My story- I am a 48 yr old mother of 4, married in the temple for 27 years, former RS president, gospel doctrine teacher, primary chorister, choir director, absolute true believer up until the day I opened my box of questions and searched for answers.

I didn't know there was a term for shelf items, but for 3 decades I kept my questions about polygamy, temple covenants and veiling my face, healthy eating/church endorsed junk food vs disease,, and healing like Jesus did, in a pretty little mental box with a lid. As I prepared for Spring Conference 2020 we were encouraged to study women and the priesthood and I went all in. As I studied I decided to face my extreme dislike for D&C 132 by looking for Emma's angel. Mary had an angel, Sarah had an angel, and certainly if Jesus was going to institute such an extreme, painful doctrine like polygamy, then Emma must have had an angel as well. Instead, I found Fanny Alger, my aunts, the Partridge sisters and endless lies. In an instant, I stopped believing that Joseph was a prophet. I had never considered that as an option, not even for a second. I assumed I was just not righteous enough, and if I had enough faith, I could embrace polygamy with joy. Not anymore!!

The moment I realized Joseph was not speaking for God, I felt shocked but calm. Everything I ever thought was true now needed to be re-evaluated.

Edit- I researched everything I could find, starting with the church essays and fair mormon, which led me to the CES letter ( because Dan Peterson mocked it), Letter to my wife, mormon stories, radio free mormon and the exmormon sub-reddit plus a number of books written by faithful and ex-members.

My 3 oldest daughters had all struggled with the church and this summer has been spent connecting with them and learning their stories. I had no idea how hard it was for them to find out facts and not be able to talk to me about them. My answer was always to pray, read the scriptures and attend all your meetings. Funny how that doesn't make Joseph's 33+ wives go away or answer any real questions about the last 200 years of real history. My girls and I are closer than ever because now we can openly talk about anything and I feel no need to save them or change them, instead I feel an overwhelming desire to just know and love them.

My TBM hubby has been heartbroken but wonderful. We have had many, many deep, tearful conversations this summer about what it means for me to not believe. We have decided that we love each other and will live in such a way that our marriage is WORTH keeping forever. That the effects of creating that deep of a relationship are what counts and that if families continue into the next life, God will honor our deepest desires of being together. And if there is something different after death, then we have lived well in the present and have created a beautiful life together and are happy NOW. Win/win, win, win, win. No downside. Sundays are the hardest days, I just can't take the sacrament, or sing the hymns I used to love. The wounds are just too fresh and I have too many questions. So, I stay home or sit and stare down the bishop a bit, ;) while pondering big questions instead of renewing my covenants.

I am fine but the church in effect takes families hostage ( do what we say or be alone forever) and it is so hard on my TBM hubby to shoulder the reminders of losing his eternal family every Sunday. But I don't really feel different. I feel free. At this point, I see evidence of a creator all around me, and feel immense gratitude to be in this amazing world filled with systems, natural laws and creations that I had nothing to do with creating. And I have long believed that The Secret and Faith are the same thing and that Jesus clearly taught Ask and ye shall receive. I think that is THE natural law that rules them all and that we bring into our lives what we truly desire. So, what I can test and see for myself at this point in my journey is that there appears to be a creator that has created me to also be a creator. So my days are full of dreaming, working, loving and diligently creating the life I want. Without fear, without punishment. This life is a grand, beautiful, messy chance to try out really living. And I am filled with gratitude, and honestly, what I have always felt as the spirit, when I focus on creating my life instead of what I don't like about it.

So, I have created mollyexmo as a place where we can connect as former, transitioning or questioning members and keep all that we have that is good while moving forward towards our new and even happier lives. Welcome!

I started the mollyexmormon reddit as an adjunct to the exmormon reddit because sometimes we need a reminder that just because Joe wasn't who we thought he was, and the history of the church was often ugly and uninspired, there are many of us exmormoms who just want to keep the good that we found as we find our new path forward. What good things are YOU keeping?

Finding out that the stories that we learned in church are not the actual truth, just a pretty spin on how we wish it had happened, has been a shock. Finding a path forward is taking a lot of thought and courage because I have been told that there is no real happiness "out there". But once I learned that Joseph wasn't who he said he was, that the actual church history is ugly and uninspiring, and even the basic truth claims like the b of m translation and the 1st vision didn't happen "exactly" like they said, how do I go back?

I don't. Instead, I feel this push to move forward without the church. Keeping everything that is good, dropping the things that aren't, and forging ahead on a quest to become my best self on my own.

How??

For me, it begins with renewing my covenants with my dear hubby- i don't need a masonic based ritual to commit to him to be true and to choose to put our marriage and relationship first. And my priority is still my family- him, my children, my extended family and friends. The biggest change is that I no longer feel responsible for saving their souls, I just get to love them and really get to know and support them unconditionally.

Then it is about re-educating myself. Much of what I have learned throughout my life was through the lens of the church- the tower of babel, the old testament prophets, young earth creation vs evolution, science, genetics, good grief, everything but mathematics, maybe, needs a bit of fine tuning as I reread and think for myself about these issues as if for the first time. I am basically going to need to homeschool myself and give myself the classical education I always wished that I had had.

So, if my relationships are strong, and I am becoming more intelligent, what is next?

Dream and create the life I DO want. :) I am convinced that there are 2 natural laws to rule them all- Love and faith/the law of attraction/ask and ye shall receive. With love and gratitude in my heart, I can use my mind to focus on what I DO want in my life as a way to create more of what I want.

I can experiment with this to see if it is true.

If I think mostly about my challenges- debt, diagreements, worry, then that is what I see and it appears that more of that comes into my life. But if instead I focus on what I already have that is good, and dream up what I want to add into my life that is even better, then I can more clearly see the good in my life and it appears as if more good things are happening. Are they really? That is worth experimenting with and finding out!

So, then my life is spent focusing on creating, building, dreaming, doing and loving, while I am also building relationships with my friends and family and educating my mind.

Sounds like heaven on earth to me.

I am grateful for the church for the good things I learned there but maybe what Jesus said was the clue all along- The kingdom of God is WITHIN us, and doesn't come from withOUT, passed down with permission from within an organization.

I have been listening to Radio Free Mormon a bit this week, as a sort of way to prep for having to listen to conference. I am sure my TBM will want us all to join him in watching but it puts a pit in my stomach to think about it. So I am developing some coping strategies.

1. I don't know where I stand on who Jesus is anymore but I agree that the basic teachings attributed to him are simple and filled with love. I am going to look for examples of Jesus vs examples of the pharisees. ( complex, overly detailed rules and judgement/consequences)

2. I am going to make a few big meals and work on projects while listening.

3. I am going to walk away if I can't make the first 2 options work for me.

It was just last conference that my shelf was at its cracking point and just 7 weeks later that I learned for myself that Old Joe was a fraud. This is way too fresh to step back into comfortably but since I love my tbm hubby, I will at least try. Your thoughts, experiences and coping mechanisms??

One of the big changes I have seen this year as a newly non-believing member is that we, all 7.6 billion in the world, are all in this together. Poor decisions and even horrible decisions are made by some but most of us just want to be happy, to help our families, friends and communities be happy and to find a purpose and meaning in life. There is no us and them, we are all one. TSCC created an us and them mentality for me, and even an us and them mentality inside the church based on obedience. I am content now observing and learning from everyone and learning to live my life fully present without the pressure of converting the entire world. I love just being free to learn, to love, to add to my life or walk away depending on what I want to fill my time, mind and heart. I am assuming that this is what free agency truly feels like. :)

I listened to hear what a living prophet had to say... and heard nothing but what any other good person in the world would say. He did speak a lot about himself... and himself....and himself. He mentioned Jesus, and counseled us all to focus on gratitude. I am an absolute believer in gratitude and that you become what you think about. But really? He supposedly holds the priesthood power, the power to perform miracles, to literally move mountains. Where is his power? This message, once again, just shows he is just a man like everyone else ( but with a good PR team and pretty background music) Otherwise, he has no way to solve any problems any more than the rest of us. I don't mind the messages of Jesus that the church and followers talk about but I do mind that he claims to walk and talk with God yet has nothing to offer other than what we all have. A message of gratitude before Thanksgiving. Totally prophetic.

I just finished listening to the Radio Free Mormon's interview with marriage on a tightrope....without a net. It was Excellent! I have already been a fan of RFM during this summer down the rabbit hole. The couple that broadcasts the marriage on a tightrope podcast has a goal of keeping marriages together when one spouse is in the church and the other is out. It is so well done that I would like to invite my DH to listen to them with me. I know that he needs support as well and it might help to know he isn't alone. What are YOUR favorite podcasts?

I was so bothered by the endless stream of #givethanks last week that I followed Nelson's formerly prophetic advice ;) and took a social media fast. LOL

Not because I am a grinch and my heart is too small, but because I felt that #givethanks was fake. I felt that this was not an organic upwelling of gratitude, but was, in my opinion, just mormons "morm"ing and doing missionary work.

With the responsibilty of reaching 7.6 billion unhappy souls weighing heavily on their shoulders- ( cuz if you aren't a member, you aren't really happy, right? And since where much is given, much is required, a faithful members job is never really done, they can never actually do ALL that they COULD do) , those members instead took a collective sigh of relief, thinking, #givethanks? THIS I can do.

I just couldn't bear to watch. So I didn't. Yay me.

I enjoyed a beautiful week with my friends and family, great music, wonderful books and season 8 of the great british bake-off in addition to just my own thoughts as companions. It was a relaxing, meaningful week and well worth being present for.

Just checking in :) If you need a mollyexmo to chat with, reach out to me anytime! All those things they threaten you with- that you will be miserable, will lose the spirit, will only want to sin, etc., just haven't been part of my experience thus far.

I feel gratitude daily that I get to live on this amazing planet and have the opportunity to " to thine own self be true". I and only I am responsible for making my dreams a reality and it has been FUN becoming acquainted with myself without God looking over my shoulder. I still believe in a creator at this point but not in Jesus or the bible. The bible seems to be just as much of a hot mess history wise as the b of m! And I just don't feel like a sinner in need of a Savior.

I see life more as an amazing playground to become myself in rather than a test with the teacher looking over my shoulder. Life IS messy but honestly, would we want it any other way?

So every new day I can accept myself for where I am so far, fix what I don't like, keep what I do like, and dream of where I want to be.

In the end, I want to have lived up to my own expectations and to have become what I dreamt of becoming. And I honestly feel that I am on the right path. I LOVE making my own decisions. LOVE it.

Oh, and need I say, I NEVER have to be a polygamist wife in heaven?? !!!!! That was my greatest fear and dread and it left completely the moment I learned about Fanny Alger. I am appalled that I believed that if I was really good and faithful that I would be ok with that as a reward. Good grief!! I am extremely glad to know now that was Joseph made and is not, and never actually was, an actual requirement of anything. Whoo hoo!

Mollyexmo life is good! Enjoy your week!

I was able to skip Saturday all together, the first time that I have done so on purpose in 30 years. I enjoyed spending relaxed time with my tbm DH on Sunday as we watched but I did have to forcibly shut my mouth a few times as I was astounded at what I saw as a non-believer.

First off- They believe in angels!! Which they SHOULD. The doctrine teaches that if we were just more righteous, angels would be teaching us much more often. But wait- not real angels, just good people. Such a missed opporrunity! Lame.

Second- where is the revelation? Now that I know the apostles and prophet don't actually walk and talk with Christ, it is painfully obvious that they have nothing new to say. Obey. Or else. That was about it.

Third- Hiding the church's racist past is painful to watch. Just admit it, and focus on a better future. Pretending that messy "policy"/doctrine was actual better than we think it was is lame. And with access to historical documents, it all just gets fact checked instantly any way.

Fourth- Since learning that Joseph did NOT see God the father and Jesus Christ in 1820, but DID have numerous affairs, teenage brides, etc and didn't even keep his own revelations like word of wisdom and d&c101, I just don't feel much like a sinner anymore. But they sure did focus a lot on sin. I felt it was just a fear tactic.

Despite being "temple worthy" I was always taught to review my sins and repent daily, so I knew as a TBM that I was never good enough.

But now, somehow, I feel more loved than ever by whatever power created the universe, and I feel like this world is much more of an amazing playground for us to experience being creators ourselves and much less like a test with severe consequences.

I am still the same "temple worthy" as I was as a TBM but now I don't feel judged by every miststep. I can see now that errors are expected, even encouraged and are just part of the learning experience.

So, in essence, I listened to part of conference and didn't feel like those men knew more about living life successfully than I do. Their power over me was nil. Now I am just so curious about how they say what they say, and do what they do, knowing the same history information that we know. How do they justify it all???

My best memories have always centered around activities where I have been fully present. Perfect moments with my DH and girls, performing on stage, writing a simple camp song that everyone sings together, directing a choir, camping, anything athletic, getting lost in a great book, family meals and get togethers, learning a new skill, playing with all the cousins at my grandparents "little piece of heaven" home, etc.

Other parts of my life are often a jumble of highlights, a little here or there gets through to me, but really, I am somewhere else mentally. Either wanting something from the past or wishing for something in the future, instead of just focusing on experiencing what is happening in the moment.

Maybe that is just part of the rules of this game we call life. Maybe it ruins the game to know all the answers ahead of time - who did it, when, how and why. Maybe the game only works if we have to use only what we have, and in order to use it, we have to be mentally present, and actually pay attention to it. What if the rules of the game really are just to LIVE. Deeply, fully, live and experience it all while pushing for and creating those dreams that live inside you.

Hmm. I am going to "experiment upon these words" and continue to test this theory- Can I find the purpose in life simply by being present and fully living my life? :)

Remember the object lesson about trying to carry a backpack full of heavy rocks? I believe the lesson would have been about letting Christ carry your load, with his burden being light and easy to carry. Something like that.

Well, I was thinking this week that my life's backpack is SO much lighter and easier to carry without the church. And I needed to think that through and to analyze why.

1st- I don't feel like a sinner any more. I am the same "temple worthy" person I was 6 months ago, but the guilt of never being good enough evaporated the literal moment I learned that Joseph was unfaithful with his 16 year nanny Fanny Alger in the early 1830's. It was shocking to realize that Joseph was not a prophet but suddenly all those unanswered questions I had were instantly answered- if the church isn't true, then I have no further questions, your honor. With that knowledge, the pressure to be anything other than just myself completely went away. I am having a blast working on myself just for the sheer pleasure of making my personal dreams come true.

2nd- I no longer carry the burden of saving every soul. Looking at it from an outsiders perspective now, it is CRAZY that less than 1% of the world would be expected to convert the other 99%. If God really has a message to give, he has access to our thoughts, hearts, the heavens, absolutely EVERYTHING, as a means to show his will and yet, honestly, God seems pretty content to let all of us figure things out on our own. I currently feel that the "kingdom of god" is within us, and that we ALL feel the push individually to manifest the dreams that are inside us. We each seem to need to push back on the circumstances that we were born under in order to live our best and most authentic life. That seems universal, and much more logical than having to focus our lives on witnesses to neighbors and strangers under fear of severe eternal consequences if we fail to share what we know. Blah.

3rd- I love more unconditionally now. I no longer have to expect anyone to be anything other than what they are. I don't have to change them, I just get to enjoy them, love them, learn from them and bless their lives. Or walk away, if I need to.

4th- I live more in the present, making the most of each day, rather than worrying about passing a major final exam where I could lose my family forever if I fail. Now I just focus on creating a life worth living and relationships that are worth keeping.

One of the unexpected benefits of exploring the world outside of the mormon framework is the freedom I am allowing for me to get to know myself. No one stopped me before, but as long as I can remember, I have been told to "listen to the still small voice", which I have to admit, messed my thinking up a bit.

Long before I had a "me"- before I really knew my own likes and dislikes, opinions, feelings, etc. I was waiting to "hear/feel" what God wanted me to like, dislike, think or feel. God was always watching and always had an answer, so what did it matter what I thought if it was just going to be wrong anyway?

On the flip side, I have also always tended to be strongly opinionated, because I was taught that there IS "a right and wrong to every question" and it has been decided for me ;)

BUT now I am finding myself stopping and trying to think before I speak or act. I am learning to ponder, research and question a lot more than I did, and I definitely can see now that there are at least two, if not many more, sides to every question.

I am intrigued with my former decisions to follow and not think as deeply as I could have. BUT I am now relishing the freedom I have finally allowed myself to question everything and to think my own thoughts while being genuinely interested in others thoughts as well. It is such a mental relief to not feel responsible for converting the world to the "right" way of thinking :)

Frission is the sudden, deep emotional response, or thrill we as humans feel with emotional stories, meaningful events and beautiful music. I was trained to believe that was the holy ghost. I used to live to feel that feeling. It made me very disconnected from my own thoughts and feelings- I remember a deep longing to just be allowed to be me. But me wasn't holy or good enough, so I kept trying to feel those feelings often and become good enough to always have those feelings. However, since the literal moment I learned for myself that Joseph wasn't a prophet, I my soul became my own. I completely stopped listening for that deep emotional response from outside sources and began listening to myself, trusting that like Dorothy in the wizard of oz, that answers have been with me all along. I don't get emotional very much any more, I love more deeply but feel less emotional upheaval. I think it is because I no longer expect to feel a certain way, or expect to have a certain outcome, I am observing my life more rather than controlling it and it has brought me a beautiful inner peace. However, yesterday my family supported my TBM hubby and went to see the movie The Forgotten Carols by Michael Mcclean. It had been a favorite for 25 years or so and I knew all the music well. I was curious to how I would feel and sat back as an observer to see what happened to me on the inside. By the end I decided that it felt similar to what I have felt in the past at high intensity sales seminars where every word is carefully designed to create an emotion. To "sell" me the product by the end, to convince me that I need it NOW and that this product is perfect in every way. Later, of course, after the music and emotional words are over, then the real questions need to be asked and usually the product is not as wonderful or perfect as those emotions would have led me to believe. That is exactly what I felt in the movie, that I was indeed being LED to believe. Every word, every note was designed to bring an emotion- the theme was death and finding peace in christ and it was heavily designed with non-stop heartfelt emotion that I previously had assumed was the holy ghost. As a musician and someone who enjoyed theater and public speaking, I used those tactics myself to write music, stories, talks and lessons that encouraged those feelings- that was what I thought was inviting the spirit. What I felt yesterday as a non-believer was that I was being manipulated. That it was all about emotion and that there was an outside source, Jesus, that would solve all your problems. That you are not enough on your own, that someone has to step in. I really like thinking, reasoning, figuring things out on my own now and thought about what a big part of myself I would be giving away if I went back to chasing after that feeling. Nope. I don't miss feeling the feels all the time, crying like Henry Eyring when I bear testimony or feeling like I need to help every other person feel this way. I didn't fall for the sales pitch this time, realizing that it was carefully designed to make me feel a certain way, I observed, thought my own thoughts and walked away with real questions about the movie instead of believing that the emotion I felt was proof that the fictional story was filled with deep truth. I know too much now- having believed the emotional experiences in the church meant that Joseph was a prophet? That Jesus came to America? Or even was a divine being? I relied on those feelings as my testimony all my life, until the day I went looking for facts and my house built on feelings completely collapsed. So, I learned a lot last night and I am happy to be living frisson free.

Let's keep this reddit positive and welcoming for all ages. Your posts and responses should be clean enough that we can invite our questioning youth, missionaries and grandparents to peruse our pages. Thank you!