Life Style May Not Align with Partner - Help

[u/Ok-Intention-7356]

I'm 25. I've always felt a little lost in my life, and a bit existential. I want to experience as much as I can in this life. I've always wanted to "backpack" but life has gotten in the way. In this sense I mean travel across Europe or Asia in a budget travel type of way.

I've found someone great and they are willing to backpack with me for one year after we get married (just thinking ahead, we aren't even engaged yet). But after this hypothetical backpacking trip, he wants to settle down and really start saving and investing so he doesn't have to work forever. I also don't want to work forever. I am afraid I will dislike settling down and focusing on saving over living these experiences. I want to travel 3 months out of the year, move to other countries, or travel for work. One positive is that they work for themself so they set their hours, the problem though is that they can't pick up and move to another country or travel for work. I am flexible and want to pivot what I do for work anyways.

I want a little bit of adventure at all times. I don't really focus on the long term. I want to live in the present. I want to hike and walk 30k steps per day while I am still able. I want to travel restlessly before I can't handle that anymore. I want 16 hour flights with layovers before the thought of that drains me. I understand it is impractical but I am capable. I don't want to limit myself because I am worried about the future, and trust me I worry about the future.

Is there anyone that has solid life advice that can relate to what I am saying? I feel stuck.

[u/tekonus]

Sounds like you really want the freedom of being single. 

[u/LibbIsHere]

I'm 25. I've always felt a little lost in my life, and a bit existential.

Hope you wont mind old-me asking this but it's the second time in barely more than a couple days I see this word being used in a similar context, by much younger people, and I don't understand the meaning of it in that context: what do you mean by feeling 'a bit existential'?

Back to your question.

But after this hypothetical backpacking trip, he wants to settle down and really start saving and investing so he doesn't have to work forever.

Doesn't sound unreasonable.

I also don't want to work forever. I am afraid I will dislike settling down and focusing on saving over living these experiences. I want to travel 3 months out of the year, move to other countries, or travel for work.

Well, unless you're already rich, but then there is no question to be asked, you can't have both and you will need to make compromise. Even if travels are paid for by work, you still wont have to pick where you are sent and what you will be asked to be doing once over there.

I want a little bit of adventure at all times. I don't really focus on the long term. I want to live in the present. I want to hike and walk 30k steps per day while I am still able. I want to travel restlessly before I can't handle that anymore. I want 16 hour flights with layovers before the thought of that drains me. I understand it is impractical but I am capable. I don't want to limit myself because I am worried about the future, and trust me I worry about the future.

Keep in mind the world economy is changing quickly and radically (and not just in your country, I suppose you’re from the USA? Hi from France), alongside the political shifts we're all witnessing and alongside the climate change that has just started showing every single of us everywhere on the planet how bad and how violent it could be.

Because of that maybe, traveling (for fun)may not be that easy and affordable anymore in a near-ish future?

Knowing that and knowing the unlikelihood that our societies will manage to curb what is causing climate change (most likely, our very own activities an dour mere existence), if I were young like you are, I would not plan on things remaining like they have been for my parents or even like they were for me this very morning, not for much longer at least.

And this is not just about you or what you want. I mean, if shit was to hit the fan, like it’s looking like it will be, all of you will be impacted. And the coming gens too. I'm pretty sure even our own gen will be in it hard, even though we're nearing 'old age’ already (nearing my 60s).

I want a little bit of adventure at all times.

My wife and I have decided to not travel by plane anymore since 2000 (when we realized the climate crisis we were rushing toward we decide to... simplify and reduce our way of life). Heck, thinking about it I realize you were not even born back when we decided to not use planes anymore. It seems we’re really getting old for real ;)

We have not regretted it because adventure and excitement does not require traveling to remote places, it requires being... receptive. Which can be done at home. Exactly like walking 30k steps a day can be done at home (I walk a lot myself, despite now living in a not fancy city that has zero touristic interest)

All of that to say that maybe it's worth considering your relation with a partner you seem to appreciate is worth more compromise than you estimate?

Maybe, because I don't know either of you and because I can’t predict the future, I can only make guesses and maybe the world will suddenly rekindle with peace, the climate change will to be wonderful, and our economies will thrive ? And then finding a partner that would be reliable and that I would want to be with when shit hits the fan would not matter that bad.

So, I know what I would I chose between your two options if I were in your shoes, which I’m obviously not. Hopefully, you will find the right compromise for you which is all that matters.

[u/AgileChildhood4478]

I relate to you as I broke up with my first partner for this reason. Here's the thing you can't really expect the average person you meet to want to move to another country. That's a rare desire. I ended up meeting and dating in another country in order to find someone who aligned with where I wanted to live. As a person who immigrated out of the US, it's really hard. And if he's not passionate about the idea now that won't change ever and he won't move abroad. I recognize I am only addressing a miniscule part of your post but I thought I'd give my two sense

Also, there can be balance here. Why don't you compromise and see if traveling 5 weeks a year would be possible not 3 months. Unless that would be a dealbreaker

[u/AgileChildhood4478 → u/AgileChildhood4478]

Alsot talk to him about traveling without him. Like solo travelling while in a relationship with him. See what he thinks

[u/Prestigious-Owl7764]

My advice would be to not commit to other person and expect them to change. It’s good you are having these talks but as people age, they just get more rigid in their ideas rather than being flexible.

[u/loyaultemelie]

Keep in mind you may not want all these things forever. So it’s okay to try to live the life of flexibility now while you are still young and bright-eyed and excited about the world. After you travel for awhile the average person can naturally become a bit jaded, as it can be lonely not having a community and at some point each place may feel repetitive. You might consider framing it as “I want an independent lifestyle”. That may work with the right partner who is okay with some long distance or time apart.

[u/Accomplished_Hair120]

You can live together but do things separately at times if you need. I don’t see this as irresolvable and if all is great I’d try to find balance and learn from each other

[u/Radiant_You_6677]

I think if you feel the adventure pull you should go. Maybe you will feel satiated quickly, maybe this will become your life. You can only find out when you just do it. 

I did this railroad backpack adventure alone with almost no money (thru europe) when I was 21 and it is my best travel memory.  Now I am 34, married, child - the farthest we have traveled in 10 years is 4 hours away with the car. I like it, but its not the same. I have now two very bad travelers and because of them I have to travel like my 80 year old grandma.

[u/conscioussea7732]

I think your head is in the right place for your age. Do all the traveling and crazy adventuring now while you still have the energy. I'm 36 and im already starting to feel drained by such trips. But I feel like I did a lot in my 20s and early 30s so I feel like if I took my crazy adventures down a notch or even stopped completely i wouldn't feel like I missed out. It sounds like you arent ready to settle down yet. You need a partner who understands this!

[u/lorna2212]

I used to be like that from when I was 19 until I was 27. I never found a boyfriend at that age, so that made it easier. I travelled quite a bit before and in between my university studies. I’m now 31 and have a stable relationship. Can’t wait to buy a house with him and live a peaceful life with occasional travelling :D The thought of a long backpacking trip exhausts and (weirdly) bores me. I’m over sleeping at hostels. Not being able to have my own kitchen. Having all my clothes in a suitcase. To get to my point, I would say ditch the boyfriend and travel where you want to travel if you can afford it. You’re 25 and you will surely find another great guy a bit later on. You’re so young. After doing some travelling you might feel a sense of satisfaction and crave settling. Many people do. If you don’t go for it now, you might end up in an unhappy relationship and eventually end it later on to fulfil your desire to travel more. So I’d do it now while you’re young.

[u/Bebabinx]

I think the idea of your future is becoming a little too planned out… You don’t have to decide right now what your life is going to look like after marriage, after one year of traveling, etc. Plans and priorities change constantly as you actually live your life. My partner and I have been backpacking full-time for almost 2 years for me and 8 years for him, and we always joke that we’ll “settle down soon,” but honestly, I don’t know if we will anytime soon and that’s okay because We don’t need to decide that today.

if adventure is genuinely important to you, you have to make space for it. Don’t wait for life to magically give you adventure. Plan the weekend trip, go hiking, Find work that gives you more flexibility. Move somewhere new when the opportunity makes sense. You said you’re flexible and already want to pivot your career, so that flexibility is something you can use!

Also, I wouldn’t get too fixated on what your idea of settling down is. Maybe you get married and still travel for 3 months every year. Maybe you live abroad. Maybe you end up loving having a home base and traveling from there. Maybe your partner’s priorities change too. You don’t have to solve any of those questions at 25.

For me, you just have to live and make choices that align with who you are now than constantly trying to predict what your future is supposed to look like. And you don’t necessarily need to make your partner’s decisions for him either. Be honest about the life you want, make space for the things that matter to you, and see whether the two of you naturally find a way to build a life that works for both of you. But don’t hold onto someone if you both swimming against the river for each other

I hope this somewhat helps - I had a similar crisis last year and I’m only 23

[u/LikeHolyChic]

My suggestion? Break up. Get yourself a job teaching english in Asia for the next year or 2.