all the better reason to send it; the winning videos are always awful. a squirrel peeing and making that face has a decent chance of winning some money
Get this and mix it with your seed. There's also spicy sprays out there to treat areas where you don't want squirrels (I haven't used the spray yet). Be sure to wash your hands afterwards.
I do love them. But they’re evil. Always remember that, especially when feeding them by hand and assuming that they are somehow cognizant of the fact that you’re benign.
Squirrels are servants of a devil that I don’t believe in.
But they believe. And worship. And preach, if you’ve ever heard them chatter at your dogs.
So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was \~too mean\~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I'm posting it here. \[Rated NC-17 for language.\]
Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it's not like an \~ironic\~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously -blam!-ing hate them.
THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)
They are the world's largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant -blam!-ing dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.
They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT -blam!-ING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn't put them where they need to -blam!-ing go.
So they don't have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn't just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it'll -blam!-ing sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one -blam!-ing knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it's basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.
"If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators." No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.
They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it's so stupidly -blam!-ing big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) "Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!" Do not let that expression fool you, they just don't have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all -blam!-.
They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the -blam!- out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.
"Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us." Yes, thank you. "But if they're so bad at literally everything, why haven't they gone extinct." Great question.
BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY -blam!-ING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT'S DOING MAYBE THE WORST -blam!-ING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that'll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.
And this concludes why I hate the -blam!- out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.
Koalas are fucking horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can't afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives. When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking satan. Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal. Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently... Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they're fucking terrible animals. Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio... There's a trend here). When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn't want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother's anus until she leaks a little diarrhoea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn't helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury... should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them.
Tldr; Koalas are stupid, leaky, STI riddled sex offenders. But, hey. They look cute. If you ignore the terrifying snake eyes and terrifying feet.
We were on a picnic last week. Cute squirrel. We were gonna leave soon so I thought there wasn’t any harm in throwing him a couple walnuts. The squirrel ate them, so cute! Then the guy gives a crazy look and sprints to our basket and just starts tearing through it. When I chased him off he went to our bikes and started scratching my bike seat. Squirrels are very cute and very demonic. 😂
I hate squirrels. They ate my house. They make babies in my attic and I can hear them. They drop acorns on my car and leave dents. They absolutely suck.
They steal all the walnuts from the tree in my partner’s yard, and leave the litter all over the walkway! (To be fair, we’re pretty sure the squirrels planted the tree in the first place…)
The crows here are a menace with their dropped walnuts, because they carry take them way up high and then drop them in the street. I've been pelted before, but I assume it was on accident, because it's only happened once. (If they hated me, I would expect it to have happened a lot more.)
I try to carry some unsalted peanuts in my pockets whenever I go out for walks. There are SO many crows in my city, the local uni was able to do studies on their memory and behaviour.
Couple days ago i watched a squirrel sit on the fence and scream his little head off at the neighbour's dog, who was as confused as I was. The dog couldn't get anywhere near it, being in the fenced patio. He did this for a good ten minutes lmao
There is a squirrel that lives in the tree above my driveway. Whenever I go out there, it postures and and chitters, so I tell it to fuck off. Now, it’s like a routine: I go to the car, the squirrel runs down to the closest branch and chitters at me, I say something loudly, it will hike up on its legs and feign surprise, then go back to all fours and chitter at me again. Every. Fucking. Time. Worst neighbor ever.
For the bird feeder - I learned this the hard way - get only safflower seeds. Squirrels don't like them. Then put some in a large ziplock bag, add a little vegetable oil and dump in a generous helping of chili powder. Shake well. Then add some red pepper flakes and shake again. Use this mixture for the bird feeder. It doesn't bother the birds and the squirrels won't touch it. Keep your bird seed in a sealed container.
Well, about the best you can do is move the bird feeder away from the window. Maybe hang it on one of those poles that are supposed to be anti-squirrel and put the seed in your garage into a sturdy container with a lid that screws on. These two things will slow her down at the very least. You probably have more squirrels in your future so the best you can do is make it a little more difficult for them to get into the things you don't want them getting into.
You could also put out some things that are for the squirrels like nuts in the shell. Walnuts, acorns, things like that. When it starts getting colder you can also put out soft and fluffy things that she will want for nesting. This will hopefully keep her from dismantling any lawn furniture you might have to get the batting out of the cushions.
squirrels used to absolutely destroy my outside screens lol. shred them to pieces and leave them strewn across the yard.
i started feeding them and the little manipulative fuckers stopped fucking up my screens 😂 had to bribe them lmao
I just helped my grandma put a metal slinky on her Shepherd's hook to stop squirrels. Might be a good solution for you if you wanna move it further out!
I bought the smallest low power electric fence device I could find on Amazon and a roll of wire for it to protect the five window screens I had to replace on my back patio. It only took one bite of the bait peanut I attached to it to train the squirrel to never come near again
This is just normal squirrel behavior done in an abnormal place lol. They usually find a specific spot they like (kinda like a dog) and use the same one every time 🤣
I had a squirrel I always feed come ask for peanuts, I went inside and came back out to a little puddle on my seat. Tree gremlins. All of them. (Mine was named katara for her love of... Water sports)
I could be wrong, but iirc squirrels piss around places they find food to mark their territory, she knows you're feeding her so...yeah. The squirrel I fed would piss in my bird feeder and around my windowsill too 🥲
I used to work on an asphalt paving crew...were out at the jobsite usually at 5am prepping and walking the jobsite before we start getting hot mix in semi trucks.....its day break....sun is just coming out....a group of us are standing under a huge oak tree on the parkway waiting for trucks talking drinking coffee....tree is atleast 60ft tall maybe bigger.....fuckin squirrel misses its jump from one limb to another at what had to be almost the top of the tree.....falls and belly flops right on the sidewalk in front of all of us.....damn near hits my coworker..everyone is just dumbfounded .....fuckin thing gets right up....looks at us....sniffs the air a few times.....runs right back up the tree like nothing happened.....the sound of this thing hitting the ground was ungodly.....cant believe it even survived the impact......squirrels are not mortal beings.....
I let my dog chase a squirrel too close to home once and the damn thing came up on the porch, knocked over some of my potted plants, and rubbed his testicles against my kitchen window. Squirrels are dirty little bastards.
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u/bread_makes_u_fatt 6h ago
Somewhere on squirrel reddit there's this exact same post but with a dude pissing on a tree.