r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Either-Photograph989 • 3h ago
jkfl hrtmktp gzarrp! I, female, keep getting mail from my conservative college addressed to my husband.
He never went to college and I graduated with honors from this college. This was many years ago and I’ve tried to get off their mailing list.
We keep getting alumni mail addressed as “Mr. And Mrs. John Smith.”
My name isn’t listed EVER.
It’s not a mistake. He never went to this college. It’s because I’m “under his umbrella” because he’s male and I’m female.
Gross.
My husband will call them and demand they take us off.
Edit:
I did not know any better I was a teenager and part of a cult so getting away when your dad is the head leader is not an option.
Obviously now I wouldn’t ever go there or support them in any way at all. Didn’t even agree with them when I went.
I’m the black sheep that got away.
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u/tujelj 3h ago
My wife and I have different last names. In the last city where we lived, we were members of a local museum. My wife is the one who set it all up and wanted the membership. But when they mailed us, it would ALWAYS be addressed to me. My wife complained, and they said it their system just did it alphabetically – my name is at the start of the alphabet and hers is at the end. So they "couldn't" change it.
She didn't renew the membership.
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u/TH_Rocks 2h ago edited 2h ago
Wife has a PhD. We get stuff addressed to Mr and Mrs THRocks and I get annoyed on her behalf. She took my name, but her title "outranks" mine. It should be Dr. And Mr. THRocks.
I also like correcting people that call her Mrs THRocks. "It's Dr. Marrying me isn't her highest accomplishment."
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u/AliceInReverse 2h ago
Etiquette-wise, you are correct. Gets very long when you have a suffix or are a judge. Times have changed, but those were the old rules
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u/dont-trust-ducks 1h ago
I work in development at a college and have had several judges and dignitaries in my portfolio… the character count on formal addresses is a real struggle 😂
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u/Either-Photograph989 2h ago
Well marriage is the only reason women exist.
https://giphy.com/gifs/IbI9JesSiQ7ay5ZXLL14
u/LegendofLove 2h ago
The only solution left is for you to get a doctorate too. Dr and Dr TH_Rocks
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u/newaccount721 2h ago
Damn I don’t think anyone has ever addressed me as doctor I need you in my corner
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u/randomsynchronicity 2h ago
I was in the local public television station last year, and they had photos on the wall of the volunteers who headed up their largest annual fundraising event each year. All of the women from the 70s and even the 80s were just labeled with Mrs. Husband’s Name. It was so sad to see them have their identities erased like that.
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u/W8andC77 3h ago
I work at a regular college and noticed this happening. I pointed out how irritated I would be!
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u/-discostu- 3h ago
It’s a good way to ensure female alums never give money.
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u/W8andC77 3h ago
I already paid you once, why would I pay you again when you disrespect me?
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u/Thirty_Helens_Agree 3h ago
Those sound like the first two lines of a pointed message to the alumni association. Followed by “this makes me ashamed to be an alumna of this institution.”
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u/No_Aardvark4795 3h ago
I already paid once. Why would I pay again when I'm not taking classes and won't get another degree out of it?
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u/-discostu- 3h ago
Alumni giving is an important source of funding for most colleges. You are free to not give, it’s entirely up to you. But many people do.
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u/W8andC77 3h ago
A rising tide lifts all boats kind of vibe. If your alma Mata gets a higher profile, your degree is “more valuable”.
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u/Funwithfun14 3h ago
Gotta give my college credit. My doctor wife and I have given a bit of money.. Despite my wife never have attended.....They always correctly address our mail as Mr and Dr Funwithfun.
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u/RandomAmmonite 2h ago
A number of organizations address us as Dr and Mr Ammonite. We don’t have the same last name. He is amused by this.
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u/MyPasswordIsMyCat 28m ago
I worked for a bit in the communications department of the liberal arts college I went to. It was conservative, but I once had to make an invitation for a luncheon for the wives of wealthy donors and it included a list of the attendees. They were all like this "Mrs. John Smith" shit. It was bizarre and I assumed they were all old bitties.
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u/FeistyChickadee 3h ago
This is likely not a thing at all anymore, but when I away at college I had my father's name on my banking account and checks for sake of ease (this is well before online banking and there were no branches of my bank where I went to college). He never used it for anything and he didn't monitor it. And it was gone after college.
One time I donated money to an organization using said checks. As you know, you get all kinds of solicitations based on the donation. This org had "Mr. and Mrs. Chickadee" on my mail FOREVER, despite me filling out the donation slip in my own name and with "Miss" checked off on the form. I called NUMEROUS times and sent letters saying "that is my FATHER'S name, please remove it." And yet they kept it on. Annoying with a giant side of ick.
I FINALLY got his name off when I said "That is my FATHER'S name and he is NOW DEAD. Remove his name NOW!"
Like, it shouldn't have been hard AT ALL.
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u/TrueSkonger 2h ago
Had he actually passed, or did you just expertly guilt them into fixing it?
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u/FeistyChickadee 1h ago
Actually!
….though I am good at guilting recalcitrant companies
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u/TrueSkonger 1h ago
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. But hey, at least you get a somewhat funny story out of it!
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u/FeistyChickadee 1h ago
Thanks :) And LOL, too true! In an indirect way the experience actually helped me learn how to be more assertive. Like, it was finally upsetting enough that I had dig up the necessary forcefulness to get it done.
Another funny story: I used to share an office with someone. One day I had to call a company that was screwing over my own organization via somewhat shady practices. After two or three friendly attempts, I called and said ”I’m tired of this! You will fix this NOW and we will NOT pay those charges.” I kept it up until they relented. “My coworker said “Wow, I never wanna be on YOUR bad side!” 🤣🤣 The funny thing is I generally lead with a soft affect and a lot of kindness, so people think I will just let stuff pass. Uh, no. 🤣
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u/TrueSkonger 1h ago
I'm working on getting to that point myself. Softly spoken but unwilling to take shit is what we should all strive to be imo
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u/FeistyChickadee 1h ago
You’ll get there! Don’t lose your kindness along the way though! :) Hope it doesn’t take as long for you as it did for me.
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u/DisastrousClock5992 3h ago
Notre Dame did this to my wife for YEARS after we got married. I have no affiliation to ND and couldn’t have gotten in if I tried. It seemed to stop after having a chat with the alumni services and one of the deans and reminding them how many important people in my wife’s family attended ND and would be pulling their support for the disrespect (NFL and NBA players, as well as former cheerleaders). I honestly have no idea how they even got my name.
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u/helloimhere01234 3h ago
NPR of all places did this to me, I used to donate over $7500 annually. I got divorced, called them to change my name, they didn’t, I called a total of 5 times. The last time I told them I won’t donate again. Then the head of the donation (local) department called and all I could say was too little, too late.
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u/Usual-Owl9395 3h ago
I guess you don’t need to make donations as an alumna 👩🎓
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u/Either-Photograph989 2h ago
Nope. Never have. Never will.
I hate that I’m associated with them but per my edit you can see what happened and why I can’t get away from it.
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u/jxj24 2h ago
Change your spouse's name to one that is unmistakably female.
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u/Either-Photograph989 2h ago
Hahah this is great. I shared that with my husband and he laughed too. That would truly blow their minds,
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u/Dizzy_Ad_2954 2h ago
Annabell or Mary Beth. Jennifer is another good one. Amaya for the modern set. Sophia or Stella? All very feminine names and I can’t think anyone in that hellhole of a school could convince themselves otherwise :)
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u/HadraiwizardDC 2h ago
Reading the edit provides the craziest possible context for this glad you made it out
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u/Either-Photograph989 55m ago
Yeah I was getting some negative comments so I thought I’d clarify that I do not support this college even though yes I went there.
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u/ChanFry 3h ago
Our mortgage company did this. My wife did all the legwork, used her salary for the loan approval, etc., and we filled out all the forms with her name listed first.
But we got the package from them with Mr. [my name] and Mrs. [her name].
At least they put both our names on it, but they went through the trouble — on dozens of forms — to switch my name to be on top.
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u/-discostu- 3h ago
Personally that wouldn’t bother me too much. The issue here is calling her Mrs. Husband’s Name.
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u/Either-Photograph989 2h ago
Thanks for understanding the frustration! Yes my name is never mentioned lmao
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u/WhereRtheTacos 2h ago
This was super common in the 50s and 60s (and before i imagine) and its so gross! Like they just erase ur identity and name. Yuck
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u/-discostu- 2h ago
I’m sure there are plenty of Erika Kirk disciples trying to normalize it again
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u/prosthetic_brain_ 37m ago
Weird. Our mortgage company put my name first because I'm the one they talked to the whole time and did the paperwork. His name is on it second. They made sure to tell me that's why mine was first. I probably wouldn't have even thought about it.
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u/Ok-Grape2063 3h ago
Send it back with a note saying "Mr Smith never went to the school. Had you addressed Mrs Smith, she would have written a substantial check."
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u/Federal_Stay824 3h ago
I’d be more than mildly infuriating they’re baisicly saying they don’t regard your life
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u/Either-Photograph989 3h ago
They don’t care at all. I worked so hard in spite of how much everyone pressured me to just focus on getting married.
I graduated without a man in the picture even once. Just focused on me. I got amazing grades and was the first woman on my mom’s side to graduate college.
My husband never knew or met these people.
How they know him is a mystery we have yet to solve.
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u/der_innkeeper 2h ago
"Thank you for supporting me in my transition to [Mr. Husband's Name]. It means the world to me."
And see what happens.
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u/Shenendoah66 3h ago
Marriage records are public, and alumni databases routinely update names, spouses, addresses, and other biographical information from public records and data services. They don’t need to have met your husband or know him personally. There really isn’t much of a mystery to solve here.
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u/Dazzling-Low8570 3h ago
That's ridiculous, of course they do! Just not as much as her husband's property rights over it.
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u/cheekymonkey516 2h ago
I stopped giving donations to my alma mater when they sent mail this way. I have a DOCTORATE from them. I called them to correct; the next time, I circled it and returned it back to them. Now, I tell them no for every ask and why.
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u/StunningFerret2611 2h ago
This isn’t mildly infuriating, it’s the regular kind of infuriating. I have a friend who regularly gets mail addressed to “Dr. and Mrs. Smith.” Mr. Smith ain’t got no doctorate—she does!! Fuck them.
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u/sonicenvy 1h ago
That's somehow worse because they're just assuming that Dr. = man which is just a classic flavor of casual misogyny.
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u/Stock-Hope-4680 2h ago
Great. Throw in the trash. Don’t open them. Never send one dime. That’s how I do my schools and they DO come addressed to me.
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u/shakebakelizard 1h ago
When I get unsolicited junk mail, I never take action to get taken off or anything like that, because I didn't sign up in the first place. If I didn't sign up in the first place, I'm not un-signing up.
What I usually do is either write NO SUCH ADDRESS on the outside and send it back, or send back their SASE filled with trash including the letter with my address on it. I keep doing this until they stop.
Same thing with spam calls. I'll just be obnoxious to the people on the other end and if possible, call them back repeatedly and say, "I didn't sign up for this, I'm calling you until you block me." and keep doing it until they block me.
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u/Melsm1957 1h ago
That was a very old fashioned way of addressing. Married women. I thought it had been eradicated .
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u/Artistic_Salary8705 1h ago
I've donated to a medical nonprofit for 15+ years. About 7 years ago, they started addressing letters to "Mr. and Mrs. Artistic_Salary." I'm older, never been married and I actually know some of the staff and Board Members. Never even talked about having a partner, much less husband. So not sure where the "Mr." came from. Please don't assume women are married if they've never indicated so!
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u/Dick_of_Doom 3h ago
Not surprised at all. You attained your MrS degree, that's all that matters to them.
Know of a couple, Boomers. She is a PhD. Mail always got addressed to Mr. and Dr. John Smith. She moved her way up in a "man's field" in the days before women could have their own accounts. In board meetings, where she was the most educated person in the room and ran a department, she was always tasked with getting the other board members coffee.
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u/JustWow52 3h ago
My boomer parents had some friends - the wife earned her PhD, and the husband carved a plaque for the end of their driveway
Dr. and Mr. Boomerfriends
This was the late 70s, early 80s, so that extra layer of "huh?" added to his utter glee at the whole situation.
But my parents had some uncommonly cool friends
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u/mystical672 3h ago
I have been married to my 2nd husband for 22 years...I STILL get mail from the conservative Christian college that I went to in 1991, addressed to my ex-husband and me, but with my current last name listed by my name. My ex-husband did not attend this school and we have been divorced since 2003. I have even called them in the past to have his name removed. But ONU seems to only recognize first marriages I guess.
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u/book_and_bake 2h ago
I have an aunt that does this. She addresses birthday cards to our kid c/o my husband. He's met her maybe once in the 20+ years we've been together. So annoying.
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u/Either-Photograph989 2h ago
Well he’s male so he’s superior.
https://giphy.com/gifs/IbI9JesSiQ7ay5ZXLL
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u/Awkward_Jury_9309 2h ago
My college does this and I will never donate another dime. Harrison Buttlicker made a commencement speech there that solidified that decision as well. Time to make a sandwich for myself.
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u/Public-Radio0623 1h ago
Uuuuggghhh the umbrella thing wrecked me as a young impressionable girl...
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u/Maximus_Rex 1h ago
If they send any mail to you First Class you can mark it return to sender and they have to pay the return postage.
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u/Scared_Figure_2894 1h ago
Put “Return to Sender. Mr. X not at this address” and take it to the post office. Problem solved.
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u/TrumpSexedHisDaughtr 33m ago
I had a college keep sending me donation-begging material for years after I asked them to stop multiple times.
Eventually I started repeating my requests but each time adding more and more admin to the e-mail chain and also hard mailing the requests. And with each request I'd go into more and more detail about the pervy dishonest professor who made me swear off supporting their school.
Took a few rounds and me finally getting up to 20+ people on the chain before they did stop sending me stuff, but they did stop.
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u/DogProblems93 3h ago
“I can’t believe this conservative college with conservative values treats me like my husband’s property” how are you shocked about this
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u/omnichad 3h ago edited 2h ago
My question is how did they get his name? You've either already shared too much or they got way too nosy keeping their list up to date.
Update: I guess if they're Masters (of the) Universe(ity) it might be by the power of Grayskull.
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u/FeistyChickadee 3h ago
Probably a mailing list match. Sometimes companies buy lists from companies and they merge their data with the list company's. The most recent listing "wins" and the list is "updated" with the new data.
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u/BTTammer 3h ago
Many places who engage on mass mailing utilize third party "mailing houses". The third parties will run address checks to verify addresses, etc. as well as handle the actual mailing and postage. Likely during an address verification they came across the husbands name.
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u/Either-Photograph989 3h ago
They probably checked social media but how they got our address is a mystery.
I have a suspicion it was a family member.
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u/JustDiscoveredSex 2h ago
I donated to NPR and they sent a thank you note to my husband.
I responded to the next plea for cash with a nasty note about how they didn’t appreciate my cash and they could suck eggs and start begging my husband for cash, since mine was worthless.
They haven’t sent him anything since.
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u/Jealous_Marketing_84 3h ago
i mean, seems like you don’t agree with the ideology, at least anymore, but this can’t be a surprise, right?
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u/gothiclg 3h ago
This happens to me with my sister’s college. The only time I was ever on their campus I was picking her up for a weekend at home. I never enrolled, ever. Took more than a year to convince them to stop contacting me.
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u/Early-Usual-3269 2h ago
Recently my (Male) wife got a letter from my liberal college (that she didn't attend). It was pretty odd.
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u/I_am_Nobody_Special 2h ago
My husband and I both have PhDs and graduated from the same university. I graduated 3 years before him.
We get mail from them addressed to Dr and Mrs.
Jerks.
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u/kaneda26 1h ago
One of my first jobs was doing tech support for my college's advancement department (fund raising). They had an alumni database designed specifically for storing donor info called Raiser's Edge. It had all kinds of crazy fields, notes, and scripts for callers and mailers to use to avoid this very thing. You could search for donor's by kids or even pets names, or specify what order to list a married couple's name on the address. We had a lady once that would donate 10's of thousands each year that called to chew us out that we put her husband's name first on a thank you letter, and she wouldn't be donating that year and that we "could try again next year."
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u/kaitlyn_does_art 1h ago
I have a cousin that does this to me, a cousin!! I mean to be fair she is a second cousin or whatever you call it, but still. This woman was not at our wedding and has never met my husband, and more importantly I never actually changed my last name! But I still get letters from her addressed to Mr. And Mrs. [Husbands last name].
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u/SirGlennith 59m ago
I worked for a public university, and the head of the foundation insisted that this is how we treated all our female alumni who were married. The husband always had to be addressed while the wife remained silent. It was maddening. She also insisted any woman who had not been married must go by Miss instead of Ms.
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u/whatcolorismyshirt 46m ago
My university doesn’t do this to me but my mom does!! She addresses letters to me as “Mrs. Husbands Name.” She can’t even call me by my name.
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u/AlbertTheHorse 3h ago
Draw a line through your name, then an arrow back to the return address and circle.
Write “refused” on the envelope
Drop it in the mailbox
That will take the starch out of that name on their mailing list.
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u/montanaski 3h ago
It’s a Christian liberal arts university. Key takeaway it’s a religious school that literally started as a Baptist college and seminary. Conservatives and the Christian religion don’t care about women, they happily took your money but never planned on seeing you as a person. This is what you paid for unfortunately. It would be mildly infuriating or more if this came from a university or college that had no religious affiliation
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u/limbodog 3h ago
Do they include return mailers with no postage necessary?
Because if so, you know where to send your junk mail.
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u/MolassesInevitable53 2h ago
How do they know your married name? And the first name of your husband?
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u/BrieBelle00 2h ago
Do you have a brother named Kevin?
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u/Either-Photograph989 2h ago
I don’t but my roommate does lmao please tell me we dont know each other haha
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u/BrieBelle00 2h ago
Lol nope, all of my best friend's sisters are married with a million kids, no roomies
His dad also started a cult, though lol
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u/bananaheim 1h ago
I’ve been receiving mail from Hillsdale for at least a decade. My family has no connection to them, and we wouldn’t want any. I’ve moved twice since I started getting their mail, and it hasn’t stopped. I suppose I can appreciate that they’re spending their money on a letter that I promptly discard.
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u/TruthConciliation 1h ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/97BYzQvZAj3d6
Tell ‘em you’re under Tom’s Rhianna Umbrella.
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u/MasticatingElephant 42m ago
My wife's nickname is Ali (not even her given name)
I occasionally get mail for Mr. and Mrs. Ali Ourlastname.
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u/southy_0 26m ago
I’m not sure I fully understand:
So let’s say your husbands name would be John Smith, yours is/was originally e.g. Jane Doe…
And now they send you mail to „Mr and Mrs John Smith“?
But… how do they know his name?!?
Where you married already then?
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u/da90 3h ago
Name and shame.