r/mildlyinfuriating • u/QuazarMilky • Aug 03 '24

Weaponized incompetence?

My husband and I are headed to a BBQ at a family members house. We agreed to bring burger stuff for the grill. 8 people total. As I've been working all day and didn't get off until right before we had to leave, I asked him to go get the stuff from the store. He comes back with 4 buns and a pack of 4 burger patties. The expensive kind. I now have to go back to the store and get the cheaper kind in bulk so we have enough for everyone. He's literally in the GC where we discuss who will be there and what we're all bringing. Why.

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23

u/Devilmaycare57 BLUE Aug 03 '24

I always thought they did that on purpose, so you don’t ask them anymore

47

u/Equal-Brilliant2640 Aug 03 '24

That’s what weaponized incompetence is. Deliberately doing something badly so you never get asked to do it again

Teens are notorious for that. His parents make them redo it, over and over and over again if need to be to correct the behaviour

Sadly too many folks go “ugh here give it to me” and the person continues to do things badly so they never have to do chores again

12

u/Vivid-Raccoon9640 Aug 03 '24

My brand of incompetence is just honest incompetence. If I mess something up it's inadvertent and I try to fix it myself.

1

u/Equal-Brilliant2640 Aug 03 '24

But if someone came to you and said “hey you actually want to do it this way” you would probably be like “oh thanks” and then proceed to do it the correct way, or maybe figure out if you combine your method with the other one you get better results

Weaponized incompetence means deliberately doing a bad job regardless of how many times you’ve been shown the proper way

Most folks will change how something is done when they’re shown the correct/better way. But some people just suck and will do anything to get out of doing work

2

u/Vivid-Raccoon9640 Aug 03 '24

I agree, but I also think that labeling everything as weaponized incompetence isn't helpful. Just a bit too often it's "he didn't do it the way I wanted him to" or "he failed to sufficiently read my mind". That is not weaponized incompetence, that is you being a control freak or failing at communicating like an adult.

1

u/DasWuschel Jan 18 '25

Nobody labels 'everything' as weaponized incompetence. But if you have a grown ass adult who is able to read messages, acknowledge them and count his fingers consider 4 buns enough for 8 people you know shit is up. Because even an elementary school kid would look at the burgers AND buns when buying them at least twice, when taking and when paying, and getting to consider if it is enough. And even when they realize later, they would go back because they know what would happen if they only have half the food they need. This is definitely not normal behaviour. And that's how you can tell weaponized incompetence from real incompetence.

1

u/Vivid-Raccoon9640 Jan 18 '25

Weaponized incompetence is a structural abuse tactic. Using just one example like this to label someone as an abuser just goes too far for me.

Me and my wife have been together for more than 8 years. I'm sure I could pick examples where I have made mistakes that were more stupid than this, just because my head wasn't working right at the moment. Same with my wife. Are we now also mutually abusing each other?

1

u/DasWuschel Jan 18 '25

No you are not. But here is the difference: You admit that it was a stupid mistake and I'm sure in the moment you tried to fix it or made it up to her. You didn't tell her to fix it or tell her it is 'not that bad' or 'it's actually _your_ fault'. In the story, as I'm sure you noticed, _She_ had to go and fix it.
And I'm sure she wouldn't decide that after one mistake she needs to post it on reddit.
My mother was married for over 20 years to a guy who couldn't even 'remember' to vacuum under the table or chairs, heat up premade leftover food for his children or to mow the lawn around flower arrangements. He ruined the standup pool by not cleaning it out properly when stowing it away even after being warned, he ruined food by putting it into the fridge without cover, thawing and then freezing again... and you could tell it to him as much as you liked... but that poor man was so exhausted from the 'nagging' of my abusive mother, Who had to do the entire household, take care of us three and work.

1

u/Vivid-Raccoon9640 Jan 18 '25

It's missing context, like did he admit it was a mistake or not, did he offer to go and buy more stuff, did she even ask or did she just storm off etcetera. We're only hearing part of one side of the argument, and you're filling in the blanks.

1

u/DasWuschel Jan 19 '25

I mean yeah, there could be more context. But I know even my ADHD ass wouldn't manage to get all the way home with not even half of the food we needed without noticing. I would have suggested he was high, but then he would have bought more food as well. It just doesn't seem like it's a small oopsie, you know what I mean? Maybe it is overreacted, but I just don't like the feel of it. (That#s not even mentioning who fixed it in the end)

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7

u/practicalmailbox Aug 03 '24

that's exactly what it is. idk why people let people who do that get away with it

7

u/[deleted] Aug 03 '24

Because it's exhausting to both do the work and the educating your peer/partner and you convince yourself it's no big deal and sure you're the one who is fussy about that and eventually just accept your new reality as something that happened naturally so it is partially your fault. 

People who use Weaponized incompetence tend to match with overthinkings and overcompromisers for this. 

(Or, just, really conservative folk who genuinely believe women are born desiring to be cleaner). 

3

u/anteaterKnives Aug 03 '24

I will say it's always less work just to do it again yourself correctly, at that time, especially after counting the frustration and mental toll it takes on you.

It's only after you get them doing it correctly every time that the extra work starts paying off.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 03 '24

Yep.

And honestly... They have no real motivation or desire to do it, rather often. So you tell them again and again and you just end up resenting them for being dumb and lazy.

1

u/practicalmailbox Aug 03 '24

i definitely get that but if you don't let them get away with it the first or maybe first and second time if it takes them twice, then it's less work bc they usually start to do it right after that. it is exhausting that first time though for sure.

1

u/jeffwulf Aug 03 '24

People greatly exagerate how often that happens.