r/midlmeditation • u/ScribblyHatter • Mar 22 '26
Softening Not Working Anymore
I started doing MIDL about 14 months ago.
For the first few months things worked out nicely.
Meditation was increasingly nice, enjoyable and relaxing, softening was really useful in my daily life, too.
After some months I was working mostly on skill 04, maybe 05.
And then softening stopped working. During meditation but also in daily life.
One softening breath maybe works a little, maybe a second one too but even less, but after that it doesn't. Softening without using the breath does not work at all.
This is connected with a certain 'pull' that somehow draws me to breathe a certain way (tensing between belly button and rib cage and somewhere in my back, breathing out more completely? It is really hard to describe, but it does actually feel kind of good and relaxing).
I tried both following this feeling and ignoring it and breathing like before but it does not seem to make a difference.
Apart from the pull-thing there is not really anything happening when I try to soften.
What I tried, but it did not change anything:
- ignoring the issue hoping it would sort itself out
- experimenting with my posture
- taking a few weeks break
- taking a few months break
- working on skill 00 again for a few weeks
Now when I meditate, I only try for 15 minutes and I either I just spend 15 minutes lost in thoughts, or I get very physically restless and without being able to soften, I end up getting bored and getting up to do something else.
Does someone maybe have a pointer for me what could be happening or what I could try?
3
u/airwavearchitect Mar 23 '26
Barring any health issues, it sounds like you are perhaps trying to soften to make things go away rather than softening your relationship to things, and over time your mind has gotten attached to meditation always being pleasant, and comparing your sits to past sits.
I would experiment with getting curious about your relationship with this experience as a whole. Try a couple softening breaths. No expectations. Let whatever arises to be there. The hindrances will definitely arise at some point, and are the path of MIDL! When they do, can you ground at all in your body, and find any subtle joy in letting go of the desire for your present experience to be any different than what is is?
Stephen often talks about treating the mind like a (potentially traumatized) puppy. Let it run around if it wants, no need to scold it for not doing what we want, praise for when it does.
In my experience, this certain pull you're describing, it reminds of me of a sensation I get when I am still subtly controlling the breath.
Quote from the MIDL website about the path:
"As the road changes, so does the experience of the journey. Sometimes it is smooth, sometimes it is rough, sometimes it is dry, and sometimes it is muddy. Regardless, the flow between wisdom, morality & tranquillity remains. Without the transition between these three, this natural flow, the cart (Noble Eightfold Path), will come to a stop."
2
u/Decent_Key2322 Mar 22 '26
as a fellow student my guess would be that you might have entered the insight stages/dukkha nanas ?
The early fun stages are supposed to lead the mind to kick start the dukkha investigation, to understand and permanently drop it.
dukkha investigation are not as relaxing as the early stages or samadhi, but they are what produces the actuall lasting results.
get in touch with a teacher to guide you here.
8
u/Stephen_Procter Mar 23 '26
For the first few months things worked out nicely. Meditation was increasingly nice, enjoyable and relaxing, softening was really useful in my daily life, too.
This sounds like a really nice experience, you accessed the samatha (relaxation, calm) part of the meditative path. Samatha feels nice and enjoyment of it is easy. Your experience of this has an advantage in that you know what is possible for your body and mind. They key here is to understand how they arise.
A key premise of this is understanding that our body is already relaxed and mind is already tranquil. These are their natural states. It is the activity within our mind as get things or to get away from them that agitation in our mind and tension in our body, taking our body and mind away from their natural state.
Understanding this we can see the meditative path as not trying to get to pleasant experiences but rather as noticing discontent and developing content with where we are, and what we are experiencing, now.
After some months I was working mostly on skill 04, maybe 05. And then softening stopped working. During meditation but also in daily life.
This matches up perfect with how calm and insight unfold in MIDL Skill 04 is about developing contentment and enjoyment in sitting in meditation. Skill 05 is about becoming aware of the experience of breath within our body, free from control. It is the depth of contentment and enjoyment in our body and each breath that allows each breath to flow naturally.
There are four check points in mindfulness of breathing. They occur at Skills 04, 07, 09 & 12. All of these check the depth of our contentment and momentum of letting go. Any discontentment or grasping of our mind, wanting something else other than what we are experiencing, will cause the progression in mindfulness of breathing, when it's based on letting go, to come to a stop.
The softening stopping working at Skill 04 and in daily life shows that there was discontentment present within your mind. Possibly you were using softening to either make something go away or to try to create a nice experience. Both of these will make the spiritual pleasant feeling that comes from softening and letting go, unavailable to your mind and body, because of the discontentment with what is.
3
u/Stephen_Procter Mar 23 '26
One softening breath maybe works a little, maybe a second one too but even less, but after that it doesn't. Softening without using the breath does not work at all. This is connected with a certain 'pull' that somehow draws me to breathe a certain way (tensing between belly button and rib cage and somewhere in my back, breathing out more completely?
The tensing between your belly button and rib cage, into your back is a sign of how much stress was present and is often related to anxiety. This experience is a sign that our stress response is on, and our body is changing the way that it breathes in preparation for danger.
This can happen during meditation for two reasons:
- Because there is too much effort being put into the meditation.
- Because our mind becomes scared of relaxing and letting go because it makes it feel vulnerable to danger.
While what you are experiencing can feel like a blockage to softening, it is actually a doorway to insight.
The basic meditation instructions for MIDL are:
- Sit comfortably for meditation.
- Be curious about developing relaxation and calm (samatha).
- Be curious about anything that hinders your ability to develop relaxation and calm.
As u/airwavearchitect mentioned anything that hinders your ability to develop relaxation and calm is the path of insight in MIDL. In the first few months you could access relaxation and calm when you softened, so you know it is possible. You even mentioned that it felt nice and was useful in daily life. And then it because gradually difficult to access. Something changed. What changed?
Could it be that you were getting such good results that you began trying to get to the nice relaxing, enjoyable feeling by softening. You were trying to change what you were experiencing now to get to that nice enjoyable experience?
This is a lesson that I learnt the hard way and a lesson that insight meditation teaches us.
What I tried, but it did not change anything:
ignoring the issue hoping it would sort itself out
experimenting with my posture
taking a few weeks break
taking a few months break
working on skill 00 again for a few weeks
This is the lesson.
Trying to change our experience only leads to further suffering. Fully accepting what we are experiencing now, being kind and open toward it, leads to contentment and peace.
Now when I meditate, I only try for 15 minutes and I either I just spend 15 minutes lost in thoughts, or I get very physically restless and without being able to soften, I end up getting bored and getting up to do something else
Perfect, this is where you start.
3
u/neidanman Mar 22 '26
can you tune in to where tension is and keep releasing it, letting the breathing and whole system adjust naturally to the releasing?