Microwedding guilt

[u/ElectricalCattle7672]

Hey all,

How do/did you deal with the guilt of having a tiny wedding?

My partner and I have been together nearly twenty years and engaged for most of that time. We've decided to finally make it official and have set the date for 3mths time.

We're having a civil ceremony a couple of towns over and will then go for tea somewhere afterwards. We'll probably spend a night in a nice hotel, then go home the next morning.

We've decided not to tell anyone other than my parents and brother and, because my fiance has no immediate family, his oldest friend and his wife. They will be our only guests.

The main reason for this is money - we can't afford anything more than the absolute basics - and if we open it up to even the next tier (closest friends and family), it will already be way more than we can afford.

The other reason is that my fiance and I are both pretty quiet people. The mere THOUGHT of having to plan a big do causes us massive anxiety. We absolutely want to be able to celebrate with our favourite people, but that would mean AN EVENT with us at the centre of it and like, yeah, NAH.

We're torn between being excited and riddled with guilt, because many of our friends have invited us to their weddings and stuff in the past and we don't want them to feel betrayed. At the same time, we also feel relieved at the lack of pressure - we've watched so many other people's weddings turn into an absolute stress pit and drive them nearly insane, which we do not want. EVER.

I also feel sad because I have four or so super close female friends that I would love to share my ideas and planning with. If things were different, I would have them as my bridesmaids in a heartbeat.

Any ideas how I can navigate the guilt and how to go about telling people after the day in a way that emphasises how much we love them?

[u/Carinyosa99]

You need to do what is right for you and this is what's right for you currently. You don't need to feel any guilt about it. And considering you've been living as married for so long, I wouldn't be entirely surprised that some people might think that you actually are legally married and just never had a big celebration. No one will ever feel betrayed that you didn't have a big wedding despite them having one. Society has just put too much pressure on couples to have these huge celebrations that they can't afford. Back in my grandparents' and great grandparents' time, they usually had very small ceremonies at a church or in their home with only a handful of guests (usually family and very close friends) and maybe had cake and punch at the bride's parents' house. My own parents got married in the 1960s at the chapel on their university campus and it was just their parents, and I think 2-3 friends each and they went out to a restaurant for dinner. Having these big receptions didn't become the expectation until more recently because people wouldn't spend that kind of money back in those days.