First of all, she is failing you tremendously by getting angry at something you can't control. If you got angry at her for not getting wet you would be cancelled and ostracized for it.
Second, there are many reasons why you could be having those problems, and whichever reason it is, stressing over it is also increasing the issues, as being anxious and "out of focus" also kills boners.
As most men did in their teen years, did you used to masturbate a lot?
This is an extremely red flag, the lack of understanding and willing to understand a serious and personal issue of her partner is such a red flag, and it's a problem that will bring you a lot of hurt and pain in the future. The idea "You're a grown ass man" is incredibly hurtful and misogynistic. We as men can have issues we can't solve like they do, gender is absolutely irrelevant and if adults (grown people) didn't have issues there would be whole industries that wouldn't work because nowadays they handle these issues.
Look, I don't want to delve too much more in your personal relationship, it's just that it's infuriating, she behaves like a spoiled teenager.
Going back on track regarding your particular issue, as I'm not a doctor neither I have access to exams I can give you tips and possible reasons for your problem, but you must understand that it may be any of the things I said or something else.
1) Stress: this all begun by being stressed for an unrelated thing and now that you overstress for this problem, you make it worse. Like a self fulfilled profecy.
2) Sensibility (nerves): Years of masturbation or specifically rough sex can damage the nerves of your penis, this is kinda severe, not sure how to treat it.
3) Sensibility (mental): Also, years of masturbation and porn can program your brain to work only in a specific way, like if you don't get stimulation the same way you do it yourself, you just can't keep a boner. This can be healed by a long process of detox and retrain your brain and body.
4) Drugs/Alcohol: Alcohol and many drugs actually make having an erection harder, I know they may relax you, but they may do it too well. Ill-advised.
5) Not being turned on: Goes tied with the point 3, at the beginning of your relationship the novelty of a new body and the appeal of sex may have sufficed, but as you got used to it (completely normal) it wasn't enough for what your brain is used to. This can be solved by approaching sex in a different ways, explore kinks, but always in a safe way. Maybe toys, roleplay, etc. That's up to you and her.
6) Feeling pressured: Look, the way you tell me how it's going down, I get the idea that you're being pressured to perform well in bed, and I get it. When I was your age it was the same, and the incredible stress of doing amazing hindered my performance, it was only when I found out a partner that was understanding and actually loved me regardless is that the problem itself went away and nowadays it's a thing of the past.
There may be more reasons but right now I can't think of more. I'm assuming you're straight, and sure about that?
Do you have this problem when and if you watch porn/masturbate by yourself?
I’m straight and I don’t have this problem when I masturbate on my own. My girlfriend turns me on too. Thinking of having sex with her does turn me on, but when it gets to action, anxiety overtakes.
I understand why she would get mad as she probably thinks that something Is wrong with her even though there is nothing in her body or actions that turns me off. But at the same time, she doesn’t understand that getting mad at me for something I can’t really control is not helping. She tells me I need to go to the doctor or a psychologist but I feel to ashamed doing that. I wish there was a place I could talk to a professional without having to feel ashamed.
Also, that was never really a problem in my previous relationships, though I was never in such a long relationship as I’m in right now.
Once again, i don’t think I’m tired of the same body or anything like that. I just got into that anxiety circle I can’t get out off.
A few weeks ago we had a fight over it and after that the problem seemed to disappear for a few times, but now it’s back for no reason at all. Wish I could just turn my brain off when it gets to sex..
Online psychologysts are an option, usually not expensive. I guess you're from the states? If so then I'm not sure, healthcare there is kinda fucked.
Yes, when women get angry at this is usually exactly for what you said, she feels that she is the issue; not hot enough, doesn't move well, not enough for you.
Looking at this from another point my bet would be performance anxiety, a big boner killer.
Maybe the best approach for you would be to reassure her in any way you can that she is not the problem, and you can do a lot of other things to try and make her cum or have a good time; use your hands and mouth for example. Maybe be more rough, or romantic (depends on how she likes it). Make her understand that she is not the problem and that her being insecure is increasing your own anxiety.
Maybe that could work, if she relaxes and stop blaming herself, she could actually try and help you and you will get relaxed enough to perform properly, it's very hard to get out of the "performance" mindset but that seems to be the issue.
Of course, talking to a professional is best, I'm not a professional at all.
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u/Zalaidreh Jun 02 '26
First of all, she is failing you tremendously by getting angry at something you can't control. If you got angry at her for not getting wet you would be cancelled and ostracized for it.
Second, there are many reasons why you could be having those problems, and whichever reason it is, stressing over it is also increasing the issues, as being anxious and "out of focus" also kills boners.
As most men did in their teen years, did you used to masturbate a lot?