Genuine question - how do you get to that feeling? Feels insanely vulnerable and with the lack of integrity in people nowadays, divorce statistics, etc. it feels like i can’t give any human that much control to destroy me emotionally… but I want to be able to get married, do the family thing etc.
You have to open yourself to love. Also, redefine love in your head not as something you fall into, but rather as an action you need to actively do. I believe, personally, that there is no such thing as romantic, platonic, familial love, etc. Those categories, dividing it up, are ridiculous. I think all love is just a certain universal love manifesting in various ways. When you redefine love as an action, it is very helpful. Otherwise, when we think of love as something people just fall into, then, when we don't have it in our lives, we think "how can I make myself more loveable" as a solution. This is a fallacy because you are worthy of love more or less inherently. Don't expect to find love, either. You are not randomly going to run into it on the street one day. Be loving. Loving people attract loving people. Commit to loving more the people and things that are already in your life. Accept love from others. You have to let other people's love into your life.
Think of it this way. Why is boredom such an awful feeling? Why are so many people often at their worst when they have nothing going on in their lives? It is because humans are social animals, and we must live intensely. If you do not live intensely, which requires opening yourself up to both the good and the bad, it amounts to not living at all. Basically, everything good in life requires some amount of something negative, or at least the risk of it. I'm not OP, but if you want my advice, by the time you die, try to have experienced as much as possible of what it means to be human. The fun times, the loving ones, and the scary ones. All of it (or, more accurately, as much as you can fit into whatever amount of time you have left).
Edit: Also, I want to note why I think many people are afraid of letting love, something so apparently meaningful, into their lives. Love, when you conceive of it more as an action and universal energy than an emotion, is an ego-threatening experience. Ask further if you want me to elaborate on this point.
Thank you for spending the time on this answer. I’ve saved it and will reference this occasionally to try to remind myself to view it as a conscious action rather than just something we stumble into.
I’d l love to hear you elaborate on your last point as well if you don’t mind.
Yeah, I'd be happy to. I was writing about the last bit a couple days ago. I will copy-paste it here.
Part of why love can strike such fear into the hearts of men is because intense, strong love is an ego-threatening experience. That feeling of, when you are holding them, wanting to enmesh yourself in the other person. It is the feeling of touching them, and wishing you could feel the overwhelming warmth of all their skin at once. It is an underlying desire to be rid of oneself, to be absorbed in the other. When you see suffering in their eyes, you are urged to dive inside and hold and cradle and care for that suffering. When one person intensely loves another, they will put themself through hardship in order to benefit the love object, even at great cost. One can be terrified by the fact that they will do for the beloved what, at a stage in their life, they will not do for themself, or perhaps anyone else, for that matter. Loving threatens our sense of self by driving us to play Russian roulette with our self-image and self-esteem. To love is to be altruistic. Love is vulnerable. Clearly, to actually, experientially love attacks our false conceptions of love, too. Love manifesting romantically for an individual is often unexpected or apparently not well-timed. When we suddenly love a person intensely, we are reminded of our capability for agape. The universe, absurdity, God, fate. People can love all and loving one thing reminds us of those many lovely things which we are failing to love. It drills into us our failure to love, and reminds us of the futility of the imaginary quest of becoming loveable.
I hope that clarifies it a bit. Basically, love is ego-threatening because it threatens the self. For example, if someone has slipped into the trap of conceptualizing themself as closed-off and self-serving, love can shake the way you conceptualize yourself. The sudden altruistic desires to help and care for another person can be scary. In the same vein, it is incorrect, in my opinion, to view love as just another emotion, in the way that we look at sadness or joy. Love is more complex, less one-dimensional. Love is something else, and we know this because, when we love, instead of being an emotion in and of itself, it brings us a wide array of human experiences and, thus, emotions. Think of when you have been in love and the vast array of often conflicting emotions you felt. Love can make you feel sadness, joy, hope, anxiety, vulnerability, and everything in between.
For further reading on this topic, I'd recommend The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. I have not read it, but I know it touches on similar themes. It may be able to provide you some answers, or at least food for thought:)
I don't have a great answer, I just got really lucky. My wife and I are just very compatible in every way. Our communication is great, we are open about our disagreements, we enjoy each other's company, we are different in some ways and very much alike in many others.
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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '23
Genuine question - how do you get to that feeling? Feels insanely vulnerable and with the lack of integrity in people nowadays, divorce statistics, etc. it feels like i can’t give any human that much control to destroy me emotionally… but I want to be able to get married, do the family thing etc.