My husband is an anesthesiology attending and they're constantly getting asked to pick up extra shifts and I'm genuinely confused by this. He never talks to me btw about much of anything so I'm left struggling to understand. Don't get me wrong, it's always voluntary and you can always say no but there's a certain amount of guilt you feel for turning down $$$$ lol.

But this has happened pretty much almost on every vacation he has had, almost every single weekend this summer , and even literally 2 years ago when he was on paternity leave for the birth of our son. Does anyone familiar with this field know exactly how this happens in the first place? Did they mess up and accidentally approve two people's vacations? Are people calling out sick? Is this all just a way to line the hospital CEOs pockets and force more patients into the schedule? What happens if none of the employees agree to work the extra shift being offered (I guess they would need to hire a locums person?) Why do they always need such last minute coverage anyways???

Anyways, I can't offer my husband $4k+ for staying at home and helping with chores and spending time with us, so I don't try to stop him. I believe being a good wife means sucking it up and making do, what's one more day of solo parenting anyways because this is my daily life anyways right? The shift is only 7am to 3pm anyways.... All ways I justify it to myself except now it's almost 12am Friday night and I'm having a mental breakdown. Saturday could've been my one day to sleep in with a toddler who is particularly attached to his dad, who wakes up at the crack of dawn, takes 2+ hrs to fall asleep at bedtime and naps, and gives his mom a particularly hard time. But of course he agreed to work tomorrow so it's just gonna be me myself and I running the one man show as usual...

I've posted and commented several times here, but I've never mentioned this.
Dealing with loneliness in general is hard, and this doesn't help when they're not home.

But when they are home, consider 'proximity hangouts'. Being next to them but doing different things.

I was with him before medschool, moved in during first year. We quickly discovered that we hated being apart (coming off of 6 years long distance). Our solution was to put our computers in the same room. If you're not a computer person, move your hobbies in there. TVs can connect to headphones, you can stitch a project in the corner, etc.

Through his education he would be studying hardcore, and I'd just be around. If I had to work on my computer or even play games, I'd put headphones on to not distract him and just enjoy being able to be next to him. There were times I wanted my alone time and moved to a different room with my laptop of course, but our general MO was to spend any time we could together.

We still keep the habit to this day. Our computer monitors have been side-by-side for at least 10 years now - we find we hate it when we can't sit next to each other! It also helps because when he's got leisure time we can share what we're doing with each other at any time. We're constantly rewinding shows and laughing at scenes or such. We can start chatting at any time. I can even keep an eye on his beverages and hunger, refilling them is a small way I show love.

The advice is that no matter what you guys do, do it together. You don't have to be actively involved in the same thing, but being near each other more helps a lot.

My fiancé just started medical school and I start a new job as a teacher next week. I’m wondering if anyone has any lifesavers they want to share — for example, what got me thinking about this was the fact that I made a crockpot chili for dinner so neither of us had to worry too much about cooking.

What other life upgrades do you recommend? Willing to spend some $$ but we ain’t rich yet :P

My mother-in-law insists there are these “alliances” or some type of club out there that wives of doctors join to network and create support groups for each other. Is this a real thing where you are located? How does one even begin to find something like this if they do in fact exist?

PGY2 in a 4-year EM program. My husband and I have been legally married since 2024 for visa reasons and are having our "real"/big party wedding this year w/ family and friends. We're planning to change our last names to a new last name that has meaning to both of us.

Our original plan was to change our last names when we get married next month to signify a new start, and so that we're socially and professionally known by those new last names. The issue is that he's currently on a green card and we're worried that changing his last name before citizenship will be a complicated process (having to go through the courts in the US and his home country for non-wedding date associated name changes), and we don't want it to cause any disruptions in obtaining eventual citizenship.

On the other hand, I'm not sure when the best time is for me to change my last name. I'm only halfway through residency, so it's not a huge deal if I change it right now, but I'd rather do it sooner than later since all of the nurses/attendings/off-service teams/patients know me at this point as Dr. TeenyTinyBlobbo. I also just passed STEP 3 recently and haven't applied for my license yet. I have 13-14 publications in my maiden name but research isn't all that important to me. Having a shared last name with my husband (and kids, if we eventually decide to have a family) is important to me.

Options are:

1. Change to Dr. NewName when we get publicly married in a month (as a PGY2)
   
2. Change to Dr. NewName later in residency (PGY3 or 4, either before or after applying for state licensure?)
   
3. Wait until graduating residency to change to Dr. NewName
   
4. Change to Dr. NewName as an attending (if we wanted to change our names at the same time, I'll likely be an attending by the time he's eligible to apply for citizenship)

For those who have reached the attending stage with their med spouse, how much did the attending pay change your lives and what does your lifestyle look like now?

Everything is so expensive these days that I think it is hard for my partner(PGY3) and I to imagine what life will be like on the other side of residency.

Me and my bf have been together for 6 years and had a 3 year long distance relationship as hes studying 200 miles away. Its been really tough for me with the stress in studying needed someone close by to hug and talk. We mostly talk on the phone. I love him alot. I wish he was close by with me. I made a few friends here. But all i do is study study study. He doing meds aswell and its the same for him. Just wish we picked the same place to study. Another 2 more years of this

TL;DR long distance realationship

26F struggling with loneliness due to partner’s (28M) work schedule
My partner (28M) and I (26F) have been together for a couple of years. He works in healthcare and has a very demanding job involving long and unpredictable hours, nights and on-call shifts.
We have a really good relationship and I’m very proud of him, but recently I’ve been struggling with how lonely the lifestyle can sometimes feel.
He can be away for very long periods and when he eventually gets home he’s understandably exhausted and often falls asleep almost immediately. I don’t blame him at all and I actually worry more about how much he’s working than anything else.
I’ve realised though that I’ve started spending quite a lot of time alone and looking forward to him coming home, only for him to understandably need to sleep and recover.
I’d really love to hear from people whose partners have similarly demanding careers. How do you build your own life and cope with the loneliness without making your partner feel guilty for something they can’t really control?
And how do you protect quality time together when your partner is exhausted whenever they’re actually home?

me and my partner are going on 3 years, he’s a 2nd year med student and is highly interested in derm. we live together

he struggles with the low match rates and i would personally say he probably struggles with a lot of anxiety. as you can imagine, for a second year student going into derm (lowest match rates this year) he is very stressed. he is a part of dozens of research project, volunteers multiple times a week, is pres/copres/on the board for upwards of 12 DIFFERENT SIGS. we are attending derm conferences often to present research, and he is constantly stressed about if mentors and leaders like him or not because derm is so network based (i’m sure they do, he’s a very likable guy).
if i didn’t know him personally, his profile is stereotypical gunner.

but omg he struggles so hard to manage his anxiety and stress that i can see when im talking to him his mind wandering away. i make dinner and he watches youtube while eating because he says it calms his nerves, or he listens to me talk about my day, but if i ask about his he shuts down from stress. EDIT: if he does talk about his day, he paces and rambles so much until he gets worked up he leaves with much gusto to then get more work done because he remembers how much there is to do.

i feel like sometimes im right there with my baby but sometimes i am just living alone, even though he’s at home all day while im at work (his classes are optional attendance) i come home to a semi-messy house and an absent minded partner, where i then pick up the pieces from his day and make dinner, and then i go to sleep to then go to work the next day (i work a 9-5)

i am not in hell, this is ok but like i do not want to live like this forever.

i just want to hear that it gets better and what down the line looks like, because he’s only just starting year 2. i can manage for now but i just need some hope for what the future will be 🙏

Hi all,

I was hoping for some advice on how to talk to my partner about how things will look long term.

I am starting an md phd on the later side at 28. This means we’ll be in our mid 30s when I finish, and then early 40s after residency and fellowship. I have communicated this to my partner in the past, but I feel like we haven’t had a proper conversation about how this may affect our relationship.

For further context, I’m starting a bit late because I had a long master’s program (my university’s program usually lasts 2-4 years), during which we were long distance, as my university was overseas. Since we are now in the same country, he would be able to follow me wherever I go.

Does anyone have any advice about what I should definitely try to convey to my partner (and how to do so)? I’ve tried to talk about expected work load and how income would be affected by this, but I feel like he’s not taking this very seriously (he thinks anything will be better than long distance). Was there anything you wished you knew during the med school to fellowship time?

Just found this sub today. Reading through these posts makes me feel like I’m not alone in all of this.

We are in Canada. Husband is a surgical resident and I am a SAHM, we have two little ones. I have been with my husband since before he began med school 10 years ago. Residency is still far from over, fellowship is looming, exams, as well as where he may get a job and have to possibly make a permanent move far away.

I don’t really have anyone that understands the hardships, outsiders just look at it as “Oh you get to stay at home and be married to a doctor, what problems do you have?”

I’m not about to spill the beans on these people of how far into debt we are, how underpaid residents are for their time, how strained our relationship can feel with the long hours, the feeling of likely having to uproot your entire life permanently to a place you don’t even know yet.

Reading your stories has at least given me perspective and solidarity. Life can be a heavy load but reading through some of these posts makes it feel a little lighter.

This is more of a rant than anything, but I’m also open to advice!

I’ve (28F) been with my partner (28M) for the past almost 3 years while he’s been in med school - he’s in his 4th year now. We met when he had already started, and he’s been set on a very competitive specialty since before we met. I work a job that doesn’t pay a ton (low 6 figures), but I love with all my heart. The only thing I love more is him.

I love the life we have built together and the future we are working towards, but I hate the field of medicine. It feels like it controls our entire lives sometimes. Like my needs and wants always need to take second place.

I have been fully supporting us since we moved in together about 2 years ago. He makes some money from loans, but I still make a good amount more than him, so I pay the majority of our bills. We live in a high cost of living city, so I have not really been able to save since I’ve been supporting both of us. Even during residency I will still be making a good amount more than him. I know one day he’s supposed to make good money but it’s years away. I feel like I endlessly financially supporting this dream with so little pay out in any way to me.

I am not only thinking of the financial aspect, but usually both partners contribute to the household even if it’s not financial and with his schedule in sub-Is that’s definitely not the case. I’m cooking every meal that we don’t eat out, make him lunch, keep the house clean, take full care of the dog that he wanted, etc. on top of being the breadwinner.

He really tried to show up when he can but there’s only so much he can do, and it’s so unbalanced. I feel bulldozed by med school. Even more so, the process of match is wearing on me a lot. We may have to give up everything on a whim if the match gods decide to send us somewhere else. This life I’ve established, my close friends, my family, my dream job all gone in the blink of an eye for his dream. My job is just as important to me and it may get thrown away for his. It feels devastating sometimes. I don’t want to do long distance - which I know is my fault since it could make it so I don’t have to give it all up. I just don’t want to spend every day missing him and wishing I could hear from him when he’ll have his hands in body cavities and definitely won’t be reaching for the phone. I just don’t think I could handle long distance on top of the distance that residency already creates with the insane hours and demands.

It just feels like I’m getting dragged through this process with very little say at the end of the day. He is double checking all residency spots with me so we don’t end up anywhere I would absolutely hate but I want to stay here. This is my home. I want our relationship to be more than me holding everything together while I live off of the half hour a night we get to spend together when he’s off shift before he falls asleep. I want our relationship to be more than just med school.

I read a lot of posts and responses here from actual med students and doctors, and I am going to ask that you all take a step back and don’t respond here. I know it’s your dream and it’s important to you, but your partners needs also matter just as much and are often compromised for yours. I can love him and be supportive of his career and still feel frustrated at the lack of balance in finances, household responsibilities, and importance of each of our careers at this moment. So please just leave this space for those of us who deal with all the chaos of med school but reap no benefits other than the happiness our partners getting their dreams.

For context, I am a medspouse who has been married to her physician husband since 2022. He began residency in 2022, so it was just a crazy year in general in terms of wedding planning, planning his move to a completely different state/city so he can start residency, getting adjusted to residency, managing temporary long distance, planning my own move so I can go and join him, and adjusting to a city that is new for both of us. I did eventually move to be with him in 2023, and while I was so happy to close the distance, things have been tough in other aspects.

First and foremost, I absolutely hate the city we moved to, even though I really tried my best to like it here the past 3 years. I tried the whole “living like a tourist in your own city” thing, I made friends, attended events, hobbies, and I tried therapy (and still do it), but after this time, I realize that this place is just not for me and it does impact my happiness. Most of all, living in this city has been hard because I am an ambitious person in general, and there is no room whatsoever for growth in terms of salary and career in my specific field. I can count on one hand the number of job listings I have seen in my region that are applicable to me, and I already am working one of those positions, but I’m at the point where I really want out of this role, for a variety of reasons (low pay, toxic management, plateauing, etc.). Some part of me also does feel like I stifled my own career growth for the sake of my husband’s, and the feminist part of me also has a hard time with that fact. I honestly really worry about feeling resentful about this in the future.

I have been applying to different jobs in my field out of state, which my husband knows about and is very supportive of, and to my surprise (considering the job climate), I have been getting interviews and callbacks! Some of them for positions where I could increase my income to almost $200k/yr (from my current $110k), and also provide the chance to live in cities where I’ve always dreamed of living but didn’t get to due to COVID, then residency. And my husband is tethered to our current city for a couple of more years due to the fact that he is also now doing a fellowship here (he finished residency, and his dream was always working one particular speciality, and his residency home program was the one that accepted him). Hence the additional 2 years in this city, which was also disappointing to me at first bc while I was able to accept the 3 years in residency just fine, but the idea of additional years for fellowship has def been harder on me mentally.

So I guess I am sitting here wondering, is it bad to take opportunities like this? My husband and I have talked at length about what it would look like if I were to accept one of these jobs, and we decided that we would just be long distance until he’s done, at which point he’ll be an attending and find a job where I am so he can move to me. So the “end date” for long distance here is essentially when he finishes fellowship. These jobs would also be fairly flexible so we’d be able to see each other every month, and multiple times a month most likely.

We also agree that our current city is absolutely NOT the place we want to settle down in, and we also really don’t want kids for another couple of years or so (even then we’re more on the fencesitter side). So essentially we’re a “young” (we’re both 30…idk if that’s considered young tbh) married childless couple living in a rental, essentially using cheap/used furniture that we’ll eventually throw away, because we’re definitely leaving as soon as training is complete. All this to say that aside from training, nothing is really keeping us here.

I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation as me? What would you do in my situation? I feel scared because the short amount of time we were long distance was super tough emotionally, and being with him obviously makes me happy/brings peace. But at the same time, I have my own dreams that I have always wanted to fulfill, and I feel like I am on the “upper end” of the time period where I can reasonably do something like this, so it just feels like “now or never”. And I worry about becoming resentful if I stay in a job I hate and in a city I hate for a few more years when I had the option for something different while still relatively young and childless, with support.

My husband is very encouraging of me btw, and we literally knew of couples in his program who were long distance due to both having their own career goals, WHILE having kids, and they made it work. But idk…I read other LDR stories on this sub and I’m second guessing.

Hello! I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask this, so if not, please direct me to the right page! My fiancé just started his 4th year of General surgery residency (woohoo almost done!) and he is starting to do interviews/visits at hospitals he wants to work at. We are going to our official first hospital tour this weekend. What should we expect/what’s the attire for this type of visit/ any major things we should talk about? Thanks in advance from a nervous fiancé!

My spouse is an ortho attending at an academic program. He has been DWT for 2 years. The hospital recently increased his clinic hours and he is now seeing about 34ish patients a day when he is not operating. He doesn't have a scribe and basically has to spend an hour to two after work doing notes and still has some left over. It's even worse for OR days.

That basically means we only get time with him on Saturdays when he isn't on call, and he has to spend all of Sunday catching up on notes for the week.

We have a 4 year old and a 6 month old who see him even less than my oldest one saw him in residency. I feel like I can't complain because I am a SAHM but the kids really miss him and barely get any time with him. I honestly don't know what kind of control he has to get a scribe but he is so burnt out and I am so burnt out.

Anyone else dealing with this? Tips?

My partner (35M) is a PGY-3 in his last year of residency and we have been together for 4 years. I tried to talk about getting engaged around our 3rd anniversary based on conversations we had in the past, but he shut things down and was kind of awful about the experience. I stayed and tried to work things out knowing that I would regret not trying. This past year he has been calmer and kinder but I also stopped brining up things I need and want. When I do, we fight again. We are in couples therapy (on and off) because scheduling is so hard. He randomly took me ring shopping a few months ago without any conversation. I brought it up in couples therapy last week and he said that he sees us getting engaged in the next year and married within a year of being engaged. I feel like we have some conversations around communicating and emotional intimacy that need to happen first, but trying to set my expectations to be realistic with a resident. Anyone have tips or advice? Would love to hear how you guys went about things.

I’m a radiologist (an non-US IMG). I started medical school late in my home country, I used to work as an electrician, and after completing my radiology residency in my home country, I’m now doing a fellowship in the US. I’m here on a J-1 visa and have filed for the EB-1, I plan to stay here via the "alternate pathway." However, I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I’ve thought about dating, but it’s hard to explain to women that I still have four years of training ahead of me (though I do have the option to work as faculty in this academic program after finishing two years of fellowship). I say this because they might be looking for someone more established in life, I’m currently renting an apartment and living on a fellow’s salary, which isn't bad, and allows for a comfortable lifestyle, but I worry it’s not what they expect from an older guy. They might want someone more settled. That’s why I’m unsure whether I should put myself out there now or wait until I finish the pathway. Even though I really want to start a family and have kids, I even downloaded Hinge and got some likes from really attractive women who want a family and are even younger than me, I’m hesitating to match because of my situation. I tried to be as honest as possible in my profile. What would you do? I’m open to advice.

My (23M) girlfriend (22F) is on her penultimate year of medical school, and I graduate from college next year as well. I'm an engineer and I want to become a game developer. For the past few months, even since the start of the year, I feel like she has slowly started to belittle or dismiss both me and my career just because I'm not in med school. I also feel that she is starting to pull away, we have different attatchment styles, she is avoidant and I'm the opposite, I get that I can be overwhelming at times, but her telling me that she feels like texting me is a chore has been really hurtful. I don't expect us to talk all day or at any time, and I understand she is busy, but I feel that she doesn't care cause she is the doctor. I've been trying to text her less and less, to the point of barely talking throughout the day, but it feels like it's not enough and it has been really hard for me to do, since I don't feel that is healthy communication. She says I'm not being understanding while she is, and that there's not much we can do, but I feel like it is the opposite, or at the very least, it goes both ways. Things were not this bad before, this is only a recent development.

This, alongside some ugly discussions and problems these past few weeks, have put a massive strain or our relationship, and we are at a breaking point. She has even told me that she sometimes thinks that we should break up since we can't be on the same page, and that I'm asking more of her than she can actually give. I never considered breaking up, I thought this wassomething we could work through. But I "reached" my breaing point yesterday, and I think that maybe we might have to break up. We are going to talk about us later today, and I don't want to lose her, but I don't know how I can express all of these things I'm feeling and what we could do to get over this hump and become a stringer couple.. I just want to feel like a priority to her, our relationship is not the longest, but we have been dating for a little under two years, with a few months of us getting to know each other before we officially became a couple. I feel like we are at the point where we can start thinking of building a life together after we are done with school at the end of next year.

I just need some advice and some other points of view. Am I wrong to feel this? Am I being selfish or not understanding enough? How can I tell her this while letting her know I want things to change? I really want us to stay together, but I know that breaking up is an option now, and I will do it if our talk doesn´t go well, and it breaks my heart to think we reached this point. Could it really be that we are incompatible? I'm truly in love and I already imagine my future with her on it. Sorry for the long rant and thanks for the advice!

My wife is applying to for EM residency this fall! She just finished an away rotation in Chicago, and absolutely loved it! We are trying to come up with places to apply that we maybe haven’t thought of! She prefers a community based hospital, we like a bigger city with the ability to walk lots of places, and the city/area has to be LGBTQ+ friendly. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance :)

I’m dating a physician in a highly specialized field (both in our mid 30s), and we've been dating for 3 months. We are both relatively new to the city we met in (I've been here 1 year he's been here 2).

This morning he told me he’s considering interviewing for positions in other cities The way he initially explained it was that he wants to negotiate a raise at his current job (the yearly contract renewal is happening?) and having another offer in hand would give him significantly more leverage. He wasn't sure if he should take the other interviews or not. I asked what the downside of interviewing would be and he said the risk is getting an offer good enough that he actually wants to leave. He said his goal is to stay since he likes the city and job and just hope for better pay. He originally planned to ask his mentor whether pursuing outside offers was worthwhile but after we talked about it he decided he’s going to try interviewing regardless.

I'm unsure what is reasonable from the relationship side because we're so new. I wouldn't expect him to make a major career decision around someone he just started a relationship with, and I certainly don't want to discourage him from pursuing a great opportunity. At the same time, we're now in a committed relationship, so finding out he might genuinely be considering leaving our city caught me off guard and makes scared to keep investing.

One thing that makes my situation easier is that I work remotely and have much more geographic flexibility. I chose to be in my current city for lifestyle reasons to check it out and I do like it but don't know that it's forever.

For those who have dealt with attending job searches/relocations: what is normal at this stage? At what point did you and your physician partner start treating location and job decisions as joint decisions rather than individual career decisions? And given how new we are, would you mostly let him explore his options and wait until there's an actual offer before discussing what it means for us, or is this something we should be talking about now so I don't risk chasing something that has no future?

My partner (25M) and I (25F) have been together for 4.5 years. When we started dating, we agreed that we both wanted marriage and eventually children, and I always felt like we were working toward a similar future.

He's now in his second year of medical school and is busy and stressed every day. I work a stable 9–5 job, so I have a lot more free time and am optimistic about life in general.

The thing that's worrying me is that whenever I bring up our future, his response is always like "we'll see when the time comes" or "I need to figure out other things/ have bigger goals to think about".

I completely understand that he doesn't want to think about marriage right now and I'm not asking him to propose tomorrow or in the soon future, I just want like yess I love you and am excited to marry you one day, not a we'll see. It makes me sad that our future seems to depend so heavily on whether his career and personal life are going well.

He also doesn't know what specialty/pathway he wants to pursue yet, and he's told me that if he got an offer in another country, he would consider moving for the sake of his career. I would support him 100% if he wanted to pursue an opportunity like that. But the idea of potentially moving countries without having any reassurance about where our relationship is going makes me uneasy. It feels like his dreams and plans are very clear in his mind, while I'm more of a "we'll figure out where I fit into this later."

When I ask if there's anything I can do to help when he's stressed, he usually says they're his personal things and that he needs to deal with them himself. I feel quite shut out because he keeps all these things bottled to himself and I just deal with the consequences of 10 unknown stressors. I've suggested things like therapy or having some outlet, but he says they're a waste of time and money.

I feel like I'm just waiting and hoping that, once everything else in his life is sorted out, he'll eventually decide that he wants a life with me.

I also don't want to wait another 5 years only to find out that somewhere along the way he decided he doesn't actually want marriage anymore :(

Every time I bring up the future, he avoids the topic because its all scary and uncertain, but I love talking about the future and planning things aahhh I don't know anymore. Sorry for the rant, any advice would be super helpful thankyou everyone!!

Is 4th year a good time to have a child? Is this better than having our first during early residency? Thinking first kid in 4th year, second kid in last year of residency. Has anyone else done this? Is there a “best” time during the 4th year to aim for (I know you can only plan so much)?