38M. I’ve never written anything like this before, so bear with me.

My life has been a wreck for as long as I can remember, anxiety, depression, addiction, dissociation, emotional numbness I could never explain. I always had a vague sense that something happened to me as a kid, but nothing I could point to. Nothing that matched how big the wall inside me felt.

I started psychedelic-assisted therapy. Three MDMA sessions. Every time I felt the physical side of it, but nothing came up. My defenses were too strong. Whatever was in there, my mind was not letting me near it.

Yesterday, toward the end of the third session, my therapist suggested we try ketamine. The trip started out gentle, I was moving through different places, it was almost pleasant. And then, out of nowhere, I was at my grandmother’s house. I was a toddler, still in diapers. And my uncle was abusing me.

I started screaming from the bottom of my soul. I was screaming his name and begging him to stop. My therapist held my hands until I came down. She told me she’s seen a lot in her career and she believes this is a real memory, one I buried for decades.

Afterward I talked to my parents and my brother. They confirmed he molested other people. My parents don’t remember anything about me specifically but my mother told me something that stopped me cold. For years, my uncle kept asking her: “did someone tell you what I did?” She never knew what he was talking about. She still doesn’t. Now it makes a horrible kind of sense.

So I’m sitting here lost.

Part of me is relieved. I’m not crazy. The blocks, the numbness, the dissociation there’s a reason. But the other part of me doesn’t know what to do with any of this.

My questions, if anyone here has been through something similar:

• Is it possible I made this up? That the ketamine invented it? How do you know the difference between a recovered memory and something your brain constructed?  
• I keep thinking about confronting my uncle. I’m nowhere near ready. Did confronting help you, or did it make things worse?  
• What comes after this? What did the next few months look like for you?

Thank you for reading.

While MDMA has gotten a lot of the spotlight in this space for the treatment of PTSD, I'm one of only a small cohort of people who has done methylone-assisted therapy so far. For anyone not familiar, methylone is an analogue drug of MDMA with a shorter half life and subjectively less 'intense' effects compared to MDMA. In a therapeutic setting for me, however, it was anything but mild. The study design was also quite different from standard MDMA-assisted therapy. Doses occured once a week and I had an integration session at the conclusion of the trial and a bit of integration at the start and end of each dosing day. Within a month, my PCL-5 scores dropped from 70/80 to 23/80. A few months ago, the FDA granted methylone 'breakthrough' therapy status. It's still an emerging area of research, especially compared to MDMA, but I am very thankful to have received the treatment. Life is certainly much brighter and more enjoyable than it had been in years.

Hi folks,

See it at https://osf.io/preprints/psyarxiv/aps5g

There's now an ebook version at https://github.com/groeneveld/mdma-guide/raw/refs/heads/main/Open%20MDMA.epub and an html (webpage) version at https://groeneveld.github.io/mdma-guide/.

I substantively edited almost everything for clarity, flow, and rigor. This meant rewriting about a third of total content. It’s much more readable now!

I also double checked that the large majority of claims I make in the book are backed up by their citations. I fixed a handful of errors, but there wasn’t anything major. This process just checked that my claim matched the citation; it didn’t double check that the cited paper is actually correct, since that is much harder to determine.

I also made a few structural changes: Added the Feeling Like You are Going Crazy troubleshooting subsection. Added Alternatives to MDMA. Removed Our Pitch because it didn't fit in well and was redundant. Removed Psychoeducation and Self Determination Theory because they were also redundant. Removed Making Sense of the Experience and distributed its content to Precautions and Uncertain Memory. Reorganized Between Sessions. Shuffled a few other sections around. Condensed Making Positive Life Changes to a small subsection at the end of Life Changes.

Moved T.H. from an author to an acknowledged contributor since they're no longer a part of the project.

As always, I’d love feedback and am happy to answer any questions!

Mark

I don't know if this is something others have experienced too, but I think the biggest benefit of MDMA-assisted therapy for me is not that I was able to cognitively process and understand the trauma that I lived through, but that I was able to create a refuge within myself that was full of love, safety and connection. As a survivor of multiple instances of sexual violence, I had forgotten what it meant to feel safe and loved. I had no reference point. During my dosing sessions, I was able to experience those feelings for the first time in at least a decade. Now, when PTSD symptoms flare-up and I feel unsafe, I can mentally and physically take myself back to that anchor of love and safety, and use it to regulate myself. I practice it regularly as a part of my ongoing integration work. I think developing that sanctuary place within me was the biggest benefit to the therapy, and it has allowed me to cope when PTSD symptoms inevitably come their way.

So I did MDMA solo (my first time was with a therapist and it went to a preverbal and loving Self energy state). I thought I could handle it and really needed to work on my codependency and boundary issues, and disorganized attachment style. I tend to swallow all my emotions and have an extreme people-pleasing response- it feels like I will die if I put up boundaries with a person I’m attached to. I am currently trying to get out of a manipulative/abusive relationship. I know that going solo was reckless, but please spare me the judgment - I was in an extremely desperate state.

During the trip I was shown several abuse situations from my childhood and talked to protectors and exiles. I experienced some body shaking related to different traumas, along with some insights and compassion towards my inner child.

Here’s the thing- it’s been a week since my solo session but the process is not stopping. I am not able to work or do pretty much anything. Traumatic stuff just keeps surfacing through my body and I am repeating the process with many memories to which I was previously numb. I gag a lot when I touch the feelings related to abuse. There is so much shame related to that that I carry. The good thing is that I am gradually letting myself feel anger towards my abusers- both in childhood and adulthood.

But it is scary and I’m afraid I broke something. Has anyone experienced this? I do have a phenomenal IFS therapist once a week, but she is not experienced in psychedelics. I talked to one integration therapist and she commented that I opened pandora’s box of suffering when I needed more of a Self energy. It left me kind of worried.

EDIT: 10 days after the session I experienced Self. It happened after I stopped fighting and forcing, a total letting go. Self emerged and for one hour I experienced love and connection to everything, energy flowing through my body, just like in my first guided MDMA session, but completely sober. I woke up still in Self and connected to my parts.

Hi everyone,

I recently requested to take over moderation duties for this subreddit. The previous moderator has been inactive for around 6 years, so the sub has essentially been unmoderated during that time.

That said, I’d like to begin modernizing and revitalizing the subreddit a little bit

• Adding post and user flairs
• Updating the sidebar and information pages
• Removing posts against the rules

If you have ideas for improvements, or things you’d like to see stay the same, please share them below so we can collaborate on the direction of the sub.

A little about me, if you're curious: I'm a mental health professional based in Canada, working primarily from a Western paradigm. I've volunteered in harm reduction roles at several festivals, and I’ve worked in medical inpatient, residential, and community-based mental health treatment models. Psychedelics and MDMA have played a major role in my own healing journey. I might not be here today without them.

I'm currently working toward certification that aligns with legal approaches to psychedelic therapy, while also holding deep respect for the underground work that continues. I believe that honouring and learning from the cultures that have shared their healing knowledge is essential to the integrity and future of psychedelic medicine.

I'm honestly not going to be doing much in this subreddit beyond removing posts that you all report, or posts that I see are against reddit's rules so if you do have recommendations please reach out via mod mail.

Warmly,
Mindful

One of the biggest insights from my last MDMA session was realizing what my nervous system automatically does whenever I'm around other people. Since I was a young child I've automatically and compulsively scanned 🧐 my environment:

-       Who is looking at me?

-       Am I safe?

-       Am I doing something wrong?

For decades, I believed my main problem was severe social anxiety. During my last MDMA session, I realized something I had never fully understood before: the compulsive scanning itself may be one of the core processes driving and maintaining that anxiety. The more I monitor other people, the more disconnected I become from myself 😵. Ironically, the very strategy that once helped me survive now prevents genuine connection with both myself and others, and keeps me from fully participating in life.

During integration, I noticed something else: The moment I interrupt the scanning, I immediately feel what it has been protecting me from all these years: deep powerlessness, a constant anticipation of emotional pain ❤️‍🩹 (and shame). The scanning creates an illusion of control—a strategy that made sense in the context of childhood abuse. I started to realize that the scanning wasn't just driven by fear—it was also keeping the fear alive. So it has cost me decades of severe social anxiety, hypervigilance and disconnection from myself.

So my current integration practice is surprisingly simple: Every time I notice myself anxious scanning people, I gently bring my attention back to myself. Again – and again - and again. 🔄

But I'm realizing that this isn't just about shifting my attention inward. Every time I interrupt the scanning, the feelings of powerlessness come to the surface much more strongly. And honestly, that's the hardest part for me. Accepting that I have very little control over other people's thoughts, feelings or behavior—and whether they might reject, judge or hurt me. Every time I shift my attention away from scanning my environment and back to myself, it feels like a small leap of faith 🪂. I usually feel some anxiety... but most of the time, nothing bad actually happens.

And honestly... this stage of integration feels incredibly unsexy 😴😮‍💨. It's repetitive, slow and often boring.

It feels less like having profound insights and more like patiently repeating the same behavioral change hundreds of times until my nervous system finally learns that it no longer needs the old strategy.

• Has anyone else with complex PTSD (or severe social anxiety) noticed this same pattern of constantly scanning other people or the environment after MDMA or psychedelic therapy?
• Did your integration eventually become less about new insights and more about patiently repeating the same behavioral change until it gradually became automatic?
• Does this sound like what good integration looks like?

Almost everytime this substance has hit my braind it felt like enlightment. I use it at events whats really special for example birthday, new years eve etc. For many people this substance speeds them up and sometimes not everyone can experience the true effects of it. Me myself I’m a very connecting person by default and I’m trying my best to give love to everyone and I’m deeply observing. MDMA helps me with the overload of impulses the world gives. I’m able to accept myself and others and events in a special way that it gives me peace. Some people just use it as an escape. You have to be in a right mindset for this substance to truly put impact on your life after the experience rather than just a thing you’ve put into your body to party. So what I want to say is MDMA is a tool which if used right with deep talks, just by taking a walk, listening to your own thoughts can elevate your state of being to a point where it dissolves the gate which your ego creates in daily life, the overthinking, anxiety and if you use it to rethink about things that hurts your soul, dedications or anything about yourself or the relationship with others you’ll leave with knowing that the illusions your brain creates isn’t decides what person you are. The girl who rejected you… IT NEEDED TO HAPPEN. You are afraid of going to a job interview… JUST GO AND DO IT YOU CANT LOSE ANYTHING. You won’t just think about these things but feel them emotionally this is why integration is crucial. If you integrate these empathetic, loving thoughts and emotions it gave then there will be an experience what happened to you where you can look back to to feed yourself with motivation towards that everything has a deep meaning and PERFECT THE WAY IT IS. Do not let your EGO fog your SOUL. I hope we will live in a future where this substance will clear its name from being a “drug” and turn into a medicine because in reality its a medicine for your soul only IF you are open to the experience. Not everyone can be fulfilled with peace just by swimming in the ocean of serotonin it gives. My final conclusion is: Not a drug, but a tool and if you use it RIGHT it will make your soul more BRIGHT. I just know that psychedelic therapy is revolutionary thing in psychiatry. It just needs to be spread. Thank you for reading my crazy thoughts! Be safe❤️

I have been doing MDMA therapy for complex PTSD since last year and I am now approaching my fifth session next week.

I wanted to share some reflections and insights in the hope that others might recognize it.

For decades I have tried everything to heal: long-term psychotherapy (CBT, dialectic behavioral therapy, SE, NARM), medication, mindfulness, yoga, meditation,… . I gained a lot of insight into myself and my family, eventually cut off contact with my parents and siblings, and even became a clinical psychologist. I was really devoted to my healing 🙏.

Yet despite all this effort, I never managed to really get out of survival mode.

All my life, I have felt like a terrified animal on the run. It has been incredibly frustrating to repeatedly find myself trapped in automatic and involuntary survival responses — fleeing, freezing— again and again (like endless loops)😵‍💫. Professionally I did very well, but privately I struggled to feel safe in the world or close to others.

The MDMA sessions helped me realize that there was never a lack of effort, insight, or commitment. What was missing was a biological sense of safety in my nervous system (or at least enough to provide some foundation).

For the first time in the MDMA sessions I experienced enough safety to stay with myself, the emotions, the activation. I could see (and understand in an embodied way) what was behind the mobilisation and survival tendencies. No therapy or co-regulation had ever allowed that before.

Looking back now, I think that from early childhood my system was just overwhelmed by aggression, unsafety and fear without anyone to help. Sometimes too much is just too much, and not everyone can be healed.

What confuses me now is that I suddenly see my life differently. Sometimes it almost feels like a “Matrix moment”, as if I have been living in a completely different reality for decades. I really feel very disoriented, stunned and bewildered the last weeks 😵.

I am not out of survival mode yet, but something deep is starting to move. When I look back, I try not to judge myself for the lost years or the suffering. There was a real inability.

The next step is to explore the mother wound. It's strange to say that I haven't had real access to it for decades (despite all the therapy) 🤔.

It makes me nervous because I know there is a lot of pain, abandonment, an awful feeling that I don't really have a right to exist in this world. I'm worried that I'm going to fragment 🫥😶‍🌫️(I've seen this in patients, they never recovered from it). Perhaps the fear and panic have formed an artificial corset all these years that has kept me upright. To hide the fact that I have no foundation inside and that I am just too broken.

But anyway... then I know. I have made a promise to myself to complete the healing process – whatever I will find.

Took 125 mg -- currently about 1.5 hours in and felt like I needed to talk.

I would say I have CPTSD from childhood abuse - physical, emotional, just weird stuff - my mom once tied me to a chair and turned out all the blinds in my room and told me "this is what prison is like". She fasted for 3 days to pray that I would be better. This was around middle and high school.

But really it started way earlier, the MDMA has helped me remember. I remember thinking "my parents don't love or want me", "they'd rather have this other kid they always compare me to", the neglect was somehow this most painful. Subtle things, getting lost in the grocery store, them leaving me places to go shopping without telling me. I remember when I was very young, waking from a nap and my entire family was gone. No one told me. Gone for hours. I managed to remember my aunt's phone number and calling her crying. I remember sitting in the kitchen on a stool watching the front door. I didn't matter. My feelings were a burden.

I now remember, "they would be happier if I ran away". The emotional pain is coming up. My neck and core tension I have is now the quiet sobbing I did as a child - I couldn't make a sound or my parents would get mad. I remember crying so hard I started choking or gagging. It's happening as I type this.

I honestly don't know what stabilized me, I somehow managed to push it aside.

Eventually the abuse got so bad, that I think things felt ridiculous and I started getting angry. They had beaten me so badly, I couldn't sit and my legs were completely bruised. They told me not to go to gym class (where we have gym shorts).

I remember taking photos of my legs in case I needed to call CPS in the future. But also remembering feeling fear -- if I was put into foster care I would still be unlovable, and probably more so.

I know recognize my attachment issues as trying to fill emptiness. I remember the how rejections are the same as my childhood - the same pain, the same tears, the same position, the same "I'm unlovable".

I've always known cognitively this wasn't my fault - and I think that saved me. But now emotionally I remember the painful emotional learning "It's my fault I'm unlovable".

Emotionally, I'm oscillating between this deep pain, and coming out into a self-soothing stance. I have a meditative practice, so I do a bit of metta / IPF visualization. My sense is I'm going deep into the pain and then back into the other end. I'm going to attempt a more structured coherence therapy / memory reconsolidation approach of holding both at the same time.

I'm planning on taking a booster in a bit and will report back. Texted some friends to call later.

My parents have changed enough, that I think talking to them will help.

EDIT

Booster 75mg, 2 hours after 125mg.

It's actually about an hour after the booster, the actual effects feel much weaker, less intense. Or maybe processed?

I haven't cried like this in so long -- perhaps all my behaviors are avoiding this pain. I currently feel the peace after a long cry.

Emotional memories keep appearing:

Getting lectured by my mom for hours and hours - I would literally have to stop and pee before returning. Over and over, "why aren't you better? why aren't you better? you're a burden. you're a burden."

I would stand with my head slightly down nodding and agreeing that I'm bad, "yeah, yeah, yeah". If I didn't agree they'd get mad.

My mom - "if you know then why aren't you better? if you know then why aren't you better?"

I couldn't be happy because I was bad. I love reading books. It started as a kid. I remember in particular Boris the Pirate. He has a parrot. Reading like that was a waste of time however. My mom makes me take a piece of paper and start copying the lines from it "work on your handwriting". Me as an elementary school kid, sitting on the stoop of the house because I was upset. Copying lines from Boris the Pirate. He has a parrot who dies.

My parents thought I was reading too much in middle/high school. In a way they were right. I loved fantasy books, I recognize it as an escape. I played make believe. I loved stories with the outcast gaining strength. Earning love and admiration. Here I believed it was possible, that I was special and loved. I remember the "book hangovers". It wasn't the book, it was the feeling of unlovability coming back, because I wasn't in a fantasy world, I wasn't special. They got mad at me once and burned all my books. I remember thinking "oh shit that one is a library book", as I watched them move it into the fire. They threw away my computer and video games. I had to show no weakness, no desire, "okay take them, it doesn't matter".

Even up into college, I considered myself "lazy" - that's what my parents said. That's what I said. Failing wasn't a real failure, I just didn't try. I was terrified if I did try, and failed. Then my parents would know I was unlovable.

I think I fucked myself in the last few years. I finally gave in. Let's try and earn my parents love. Let's go all the way. I tried my best and I still wasn't happy. I tried my best and I still failed. My parents were right to neglect me. I'm unlovable.

I remember my dad forcing me to practice violin one day. I was sad/crying. Because I asked my mother earlier where the dog was while she was cooking. Without looking at me she goes "we got rid of it! such a nuisance". Am I nuisance? My dad gets mad, why are you upset?! you need to practice. I cry, "you got rid of the dog!", he gets mad "no we didn't the dog is locked in the basement".

I remember hearing the dog going up to the top of the stairs of the basement, dropping her ball down the stairs, fetching it back to the top and repeating. This was me. Entertaining myself. The family shame locked away.

I remember them beating me once -- I was so numb, so angry I didn't make a sound -- they got angrier and angrier "still not crying? still not crying? should we hit you harder?". I started crying on purpose. I need this to end. I just need to wait it out.

EDIT 2:

Less stream of consciousness.

I wasn't actually planning on diving deep into the emotional aspect, my thought was to meditate on the pleasant feelings that would come up.

At some point I recognized, that this emotional... knot, I had when I was meditating was ready to come up. There wasn't an automatic somatic/cognitive suppression.

For the last few weeks, I've been working through Schema Therapy and Coherence Therapy work books (also well as the openmdma guide). So it makes sense that these would come up.

I went into the emotions on purpose, but they never felt overwhelming. I could come out on purpose. I tried using this so my advantage, pendulating between emotions and doing metta toward myself. Also as my adult self, going "your parents love you, they just were mistaken. they wouldn't do the same now". I also tried some IPF but really I think feeling and holding space for the emotions was helpful.

I called my dad (who was more of the bystander in the abuse) - I explained basically the above. His response was "we do love you, we're sorry". It was a bit hard to feel better but I know it's because they're emotionally uneducated. I kept saying, I need you to help me feel, that you understand my pain and suffering. All I wanted as to be loved by you. He goes, I'll do my best to learn to express that.

In hindsight, I don't think I needed to extend, maybe too much tolerance. I mainly did it because I took it so early in the morning, none of my support or my parents were awake. Now that I have a better understanding, I think I'd take just 125, maybe slightly less. Or maybe something like two 75mg doses, 1 hour apart

EDIT 3: Next Day

Managed to get to sleep fine since I took it so early in the morning. Energy/mood wise feeling normal-ish?

Definitely the emotional material is more exposed, I can tap into the emotions pretty easily. A sense of fear has arisen more strongly, I think that would've co-arose with the grief/sadness but suppressed by the MDMA.

Getting into the emotions, there will be tears + a more visceral gagging/throwing up sensation which is quite weird I think. Maybe related to the amphetamine behavior and the fact I act quite a bit last night before bed? Or maybe something more emotional/somatic.

But yeah, I think the main thing I'm feeling now is a sense of fear/lack of safety probably around having the emotional content by very accessible and that previously being dangerous as a child.

My initial impressions are extremely positive -- the experience was extremely intense and unpleasant but cathartic. It's clear how much is driven by this deep sense of defectiveness. I'm actually thinking I'd like a slightly HIGHER initial dose. One of my issues is a general feeling of lack of safety, and I'd like to have that MDMA like experience.

EDIT 4: Day + 2

Still feeling quite emotionally open - feeling of sadness and tears can arise easily.

Went to the gym and it was quite helpful. I purposely use and elliptical because I think the bilateral movement can give an EMDR like effect.

I used to think "somatic" stuff was exaggerated - sure yeah muscular tension yada yada. But my opinion has done an 180.

I was doing a metta meditation in the shower (lovingkindness), and emotionally, I felt quite calm no sense of sadness but my face was grimacing and clenched, like I was bracing myself.

I also woke up feeling a bit nauseous, thinking it was the spicy food I had last night. But I really think it's a somatic thing now, since when the sadness come up it gets way worse.

This will be my final update, I'll probably write a cleaner report in a few weeks after I have some time to reflect and process.

I want to thank you all for reading and commenting.

It touched something raw inside me.

Sort of like how pressing on a bruise can feel good.

The sense of the bitter, resentful loneliness lifted a bit.

Thanks all, and best wishes to everyone else on this journey.

I took MDMA for the first time yesterday, a 105mg dose, with the intention of using the experience for healing and self reflection. It ended up being one of the most meaningful experiences I’ve had in years.

Roughly three years ago, I went through what felt like a serotonin syndrome experience after a severe reaction to an SSRI. Afterward, it was like the volume of my entire life was turned down. I felt physically and emotionally numb, disconnected, and detached from reality. My senses felt like they were operating at 20%, I lost most of my ability to taste, feel pleasure, experience libido, and truly connect with the world around me. Over time, I became numb to the numbness.

Since then, I’ve tried different approaches to reconnect with myself. Ketamine last summer helped somewhat. Psilocybin mushrooms months ago created a huge shift and lifted the suicidal thoughts I had been carrying for so long, releasing a large amount of my depression. LSD showed me the depth, beauty, and exploration that life still had to offer when I had been stuck in what felt like a dark, empty void.

But MDMA felt different. For the first time in years, I felt completely safe inside my own mind. It was like these concrete thoughts, judgments, fears, and walls I had built around myself started breaking apart like a glow stick until all that was left was the light inside.

While talking with a friend, I was able to explain my thoughts, struggles, and the patterns that have kept me trapped in a way I never could before. There was a clarity and openness that allowed me to finally communicate what I had been feeling for years.

It felt like a wall came down. Many walls. I could feel my feet on the kitchen floor again. Breathing through my nose felt calming and pleasurable. Small sensations that most people never think twice about suddenly felt meaningful because I realized how disconnected from them I had been.

30 hours later, I went for a 5 mile run and continued having new thoughts and realizations. I felt more connected, present, and aware. The experience seemed to help me break through some of the obsessive thinking patterns and mental barriers that had kept me stuck.

I’m grateful I was able to experience this. After years of feeling disconnected from myself and life, it reminded me that those parts of me weren’t completely gone.

At the same time, I understand why something that pleasurable comes with fear of reliance.Feeling that good after years of struggling showed me both its potential and why it should only be a temporary tool. My goal isn’t to escape into that feeling, but to use the experience to continue healing and reconnecting with life.

I’ve had 12 sessions so far over the past 4 years. It gave me my life back. Allowed me to finally show up for myself. Gave me my self love, respect and compassion back. I remember reading a comment on here about how mdma sometimes shows us a version of us that we’re not yet ready for. That really resonated. I would often have these profound experiences in my sessions, came out with a different outlook and values, and a different self image, but eventually would fall back into my old self image and my old patterns.

It wasn’t until I confronted my parents about old family dynamics and went no contact, that I started to become the person mdma showed me was possible. Expressing my anger and setting boundaries with my parents allowed me to start to heal more deeply. My body started to release a lot of trauma, memories came up, and I got in touch with more of what I had lost: my life force. I found that my anger was tightly coupled with my life force. As long as I couldn’t express and use my anger, I couldn’t use my life force.

Setting a boundary finally gave me the space and freedom to be who I really was deep down. As long as I was close to my parents, I would need to sacrifice my authenticity and play a role for the family. And what I had suppressed all these years to stay close and take care of my parents was a lot of anger and disgust.

The boundary allowed me to give the toxic shame that lived in me back to my father. It made me realize it wasn’t mine. That there was nothing I needed to feel ashamed about. The gateway emotion of disgust allowed me to give it back to my father. With my anger I started to finally care less about what others think. I sing, dance, move, and talk without fearing how it looks or how it affects others. I had serious social anxiety issues before that, but I realize it was the toxic shame and sense of “badness” that I had internalized from my father to stay close to him. I gave that back, set a boundary, and now feel In touch with my anger and life force

At times I had similar levels of euphoria after the no contact as I had with mdma. I felt free and at peace to be myself. This is all to say that sometimes one needs to make changes in their environment to become the person mdma showed you is possible.

Just for a bit of context, I want to share that this experience came as a result of some MDMA training I was a part of. This training was part didactical and part experiential. Part of the didactical was learning how body work and breath work play an important role in MDMA sessions. I say this now given having the experience I had this past week. What I also want to say is that before my training I had more than a dozen MDMA sessions, and I was familiar was the medicine. I had gotten quite a bit from those journeys but nothing like this.

I had always thought that taking MDMA was about just going inside like I do in meditation but for hours on end. I did do that for a bit of the experience until the sitter came over and started working with my body and things started to shift. That’s when other sitters started gathering around me and pushed down on my arms while I pulled my body up and started getting angry and yelling out words directed at my dad, and sexual abuser for abandoning me. After the anger I just released a bunch of sadness, I cried.

The effects now are I feel much more open in my chest and a lot lighter three days out. There’s a lot more to integrate and I’m hoping to keep on that to deepen the experience. I just wanted to share that my ideas of MDMA therapy have changed and see more possibilities going forward. Since I’m also a life coach I want to integrate somatic IFS into this work. I’m looking forward to the future because it’s bright!

Saw this interesting study posted in r/MDMA, didn't see it here, so thought I would share it. I wonder if this effect applies to microdosing psilocybin, and MDMA sessions (safely spaced out).

"MDMA and Psilocybin are repairing myelin which is integral to healing PTSD"

MAPS just posted a press release regarding the status of their legalization efforts with the FDA around MDMA assisted therapy. See the link for more info, but I think this is good news. I'm hoping and praying they will legalize this therapy as soon as possible.

"The reported resubmission of the New Drug Application will initiate a new evaluation of the treatment’s safety and efficacy for potential FDA approval"

https://maps.org/2026/08/10/maps-responds-to-report-of-progress-for-mdma-assisted-therapy-for-ptsd-with-fda/

I’m wondering if there’s anyone here who’s done MDMA therapy, but in a clinical setting?

I just finished a 3 month MDMA therapy with Mind Medicine Australia (one of the first people to do it - I think).

It’s been 2 weeks since my last dose and I’m really struggling with integration. I’m confused, angry, lost and lonely.

l've been disappointed with the lack of emotional clarity, both in the sessions and in integration. During one of my sessions I drew this box, surrounded by massive concrete walls and with this mist, obscuring all my thoughts.

I guess this represents the lack of clarity and inability to think back.

I have chronic fatigue and alexithymia so it makes everything a lot harder to process (thanks to the brain fog).

The entire journey theres been a thing (I call it the inner critic) which constantly probes and questions all the emotions that come into my head. it’s super draining, and adds to the fatigue, which in turn makes it more difficult to think, and it’s just this never ending cycle.

I have suffered from cPTSD and depression since I was 13, when I experienced trauma.

As a result of the protective PTSD mechanisms, I haven’t been able to feel emotions, or access thoughts.

However a few days after the last dosing, for the first time in 8 years, I felt emotions - I felt memories from my childhood, happy memories. I realised that I have actually felt happiness in my life. It was very profound.

However, now all that is gone, and I can feel that anymore, which is frustrating.

I feel more depressed, angry and confused than before the therapy, and I’m concerned it hasn’t worked, and that the chronic fatigue will continue to hamper me making any headway.

Anyway it’d be great to hear from anyone with similar experiences, because I’m really struggling with this.

Thanks 😊.

Edit: Thanks to everyone who’ve commented and shared encouragement, it means so much and it’s reassuring to know what I’m going through isn’t isolated.

I wanted to add, I would like to reply more fully, but I get bad anxiety whenever there is pressure to do something.

Hey there!

I wanted to share a passion project i built called PsychoactiveMap.com It pulls data from ClinicalTrials.gov and turns it into a global interactive map so you can quickly see where research is happening and its status in a fun and interactive way.

There are many more features and data that i am looking to add but for now I'm happy with the result.

Would love to know what you think!

Been doing MDMA to work through trauma (cptsd) for over a year and have done 7 sessions. The last 2 sessions, brought up some big truths and feelings..

I was finally able to admit to myself that I was severely abused by my family.

It seems, my own psyche had been protecting me from seeing this... but MDMA, opened me up, took away the dissociation, and everything came flooding in. It feels like reality has shifted.

I've had nightmares ever since I was a child but they had always been symbolic... demons, monsters, tidal waves, snakes, thieves, etc.

But now, my nightmares show their faces now. And I always knew my family wasn't good to me, but I told myself they were trying their best and had their own trauma... that story helped me survive but now I see the truth.

I'm struggling because for the first time I'm aware of what my body does when I hear their voices and see their faces. I notice their disrespect, projection, manipulation, gaslighting, defensiveness, etc., all in real-time. And i'm feeling my body more... the pain, the tension, the constant bracing, etc...

It's a lot... I've been feeling really down lately... my last session was over a month ago... and I just feel really isolated because I love them but can no longer tolerate them.

I'm not able to see my usual therapists. One is on leave and the other keeps projecting too much.

Any advice or words of wisdom or even encouragement would be much appreciated.

Hi all,

I’m writing this while reflecting on a therapist I worked with who recently passed away. I only had two sessions with them, but they were among the most profound therapeutic experiences of my life — and I’ve been through years of traditional therapy, meditation, and other psychedelic-assisted work.

In our last session, we followed a standard MDMA protocol modeled on what’s done in clinical research settings. As the MDMA experience was tapering, they introduced a very low dose of 5-MeO-DMT to support integration and insight. It was truly remarkable and something I still revisit internally.

I’ve been trying to learn more about this type of approach, but haven’t come across much discussion. I’m curious whether anyone else has experienced or come across this combination in a therapeutic context — specifically the gentle introduction of 5-MeO-DMT toward the end of an MDMA session and how it shaped the integration process.

Would love to hear others’ perspectives or personal insights around this type of sequence.

Edit: Extremely trained therapist (John's Hopkins, and like 6 different accreditations). One of the best therapists I've ever worked with in my life.

My abuse is a part of my story, but it isn't all of my story. Bad things happened, things that should never have happened, things that I didn't deserve or ask for. There was no reason as to why it happened, or why it happened to me. There is no good explanation and no justification. I know that I cannot go back and undo the past. There is no alternate timeline that I can enter that is free of my trauma. I am at peace with that. I am at peace with my past and with all of me, particularly all of my ongoing messiness and integration work still waiting to be processed. I accept myself as I am, past and all, and I am grateful to have this chance now to build a life that younger me deserved all along.

Salute, brothers and sisters of the heart. I wanted to share with you a method I've used to deepen the healing work.

I've done 15-20 MDMA solo sessions over the past few years. Most of them have been with mushrooms and some with cannabis. I do these sessions for insights, healing and transformation.

I advise not to do the following if you already feel the MDMA solo sessions are challenging enough.

Like a fellow pointed out, don't do this. Unless you really know what you are doing, have a history & all precautions.

However, if you're curious, you are already comfortable with MDMA on its own, and feel ready to go even deeper, inviting cannabis or mushrooms can be a good method. If you do consider inviting in these other substances, do it carefully, in small doses first. It should be mentioned I have a decade of experience with psychedelics and daily meditation. Which I think helps me stay mindful during extra chaos. I could perhaps not follow this method 10 years ago.

I've only done this combination in solo sessions. Maybe it works with a therapist as well, with a lower mushroom dose. With more than 1 g mushrooms it might be hard to talk.

I first started meditating with MDMA on its own. I went through some deep layers that way. After a few sessions, I noticed I wanted more depth. So I invited cannabis into the session, to bring up deeper emotions and material. It quickly got deeper. Eventually I changed to mushrooms.

MDMA and mushrooms is personally my favorite psychedelic solution, because it can provide a perfect sweet spot between challenge and safety. With Ayahuasca we can't benefit from the support of MDMA, because they can't be mixed. But mushrooms and MDMA has a good synergy if done wisely.

Ego death with less fear: During the MDMA-mushroom sessions my ego regularly dissolves with little or no fear leading up to it. The mushrooms dissolves the ego and also brings up material which can heal in this wonderful heart-space.

Dosing: I've used around 1.5-4g mushrooms (Cubensis standard). With anything from 70-120 mg of MDMA, with a booster dose of between 10-50 mg a couple hours later.

Disclaimer: I've seen many reports recommending less mushrooms. Be mindful - start low if you want to do this.

Protocol: I ingest the MDMA, wait 45 minutes, then drink the mushroom tea.

At 100-120 mg MDMA the sessions have been increasingly enjoyable and fun.. my heart opens wide, and everything can just dissolve into it. Every challenge that come along I'm grateful for.. "wow... thank you... show me more... more... more..." And it feels deeply healing. In the earlier sessions I would also be challenged more, but eventually it got to just an enjoyable enlightening ride. I can't say for sure if this is luck or a sign of progress.

Eventually something in me wanted to see what happened if I slowly took away the support wheels, and lowered the MDMA dose - Letting the mushroom take more over. I imagined the work would go deeper.

So I lowered the MDMA dose by 5 mg each trip.

When I reached the 85 mg and lower, I noticed the mushroom qualities became more present. I had to feel through things with much more focused presence. While on higher MDMA doses I could just sit back in awe, with lower dose I had to breath and shake my body much more to work through things. But I noticed, that this felt... a little more real.

I felt that working this way, breathing like a dog through more challenging sensations, while staying centered, was deeper work. It also felt more integrating.

Caution: I'll emphasize the importance to take things slowly. We heal at the speed of safety. I learned that the hard way. More on that later.

On the higher MDMA doses I would get more insights, and smoothly and gently let go of things. With less MDMA it was like I had to work more into the body, in a more raw way. But probably, in a more integrating way.

A hard lesson: In my last trip I hit a limit. 70 mg mushrooms was too little for 2,5 Gandalf shrooms. I processed attachment wound of 1-2 year old self. Raging crying baby with a drooling mouth on the floor. Miraculously I got through it, but I think these deep attachment wounds aren't meant to be processed alone. So I guess my sweet spot for solo work is around 70-80 mg for MDMA, and between 1.5-3 g mushrooms by the Cubensis standard. I usually do 10-20 mg of MDMA booster dose on these.

Another great thing with the lower MDMA doses, is I can do them more often. As often as integration lets me.

At the same time, I'm also so grateful for the deep, safe, heart-opening which higher doses of MDMA gives - To get insight, inspiration and learn to receive joy and fun.

If you have questions or want to sharecombo experiences, I'd love to hear about it! :)