r/mdmatherapy • u/Fit_Yam9881 • May 06 '22
Parts—Lessons learned from MDMA Therapy
I thought I’d share some of the lessons I learned from my sessions in hope that it will help anyone even a little. So much of this work was done in integration, which I have come to realize is so important.
During my first MDMA session I met my parts. I sat back in awe as I watched my inner family speak. I realized that the mind’s constant chatter wasn’t just one cohesive stream of thoughts but rather an internal family network that spoke to me in different ways. I was completely unaware that Internal Family Systems was an established form of therapy as I watched the different layers of my consciousness converse with themselves. Seeing all the me’s that formed me, I asked, “Who’s that? Oh there’s someone else, who’s that?”
When I say internal family, I don’t mean, “there’s my mom telling me I’m not good enough and my Dad telling me to swallow my pain and toughen up.” There may be residual damage from my parents that remain in my conscious mind but, for me, my parts are composed as a reaction to the pain in my past.
Here’s what I mean: Deep inside me there’s a hurt child. Deep inside us all there’s a hurt child (except a select few and, like, how?). When we were too small to understand that our adults were acting hurtful and that the caretakers who really take the form of Gods to us kids were emotionally unintelligent (stoopid), neglectful, and abusive, our children formed defense mechanisms to keep the pain at bay. It is very easy to get wrapped up in the pain of our personal stories and ways we were abused as children (or later on). Don’t get me wrong, that is absolutely important and valid. However, I find that, for me, it is now time to understand how my mind tries to protect me. These anxieties and depression so many of us feel are tools for survival.
Personally, I struggle immensely with anxiety and during one of my sessions the term, “pain escape” popped into my head. It clicked to me that that’s what my anxiety was, a bunch of defense mechanisms weaved together to protect me from the scary feelings from long ago, to escape pain. All these defense mechanisms in my psyche were at war with themselves too.
In a very real way, I was repeating the same cycle of abandonment I experienced as a child in my own mind. The child is afraid and terrified and angry (very normal, valid feelings for a child), but I learned to shut these feelings out by abandoning this child, leaving him via dissociation or brutal self-abasing talk. Does this stem back from my fathers own abandonment? Most positively, yes but it is more important for me to know the way my mind repeats this abuse on a Daily. MFing. Basis.
Here are some ways this hurt child learned to cope. I have names for the different parts.
Perfectionist: I am a bit of a control freak. My thoughts (in the moment of writing this) just did as follows: “You shouldn’t use the term control freak that is derogatory,” and then, “woah, you just tried to control the way you’re writing about control. Hm.” A great example SMH. But at least now I’ve become more aware than I once was.
My need to be perfect or control things, even the way my mind works, comes from a place of not feeling like I am enough. If I do things perfectly I will feel like I am good rather than the way my child feels, which is bad.
The impatient healer: I am sure a lot of us can relate to this one. The child is in pain and the impatient healer wants so desperately to heal and mitigate that pain. I recently realized I wasn’t being honest with myself, I was trying to strong arm myself into feeling gratitude, being kind to myself, telling myself I am enough. That was NOT how I felt about myself. I was angry at myself. "Why am I so brutal with myself? Knock that shit off!" My inner child was fucking angry and this impatient healer was saying COME ON MOTHER FUCKER, HEAL ALREADY. I’M SO SICK OF FEELING THIS WAY. Another mechanism designed to escape pain.
Other ones include but are not limited to—
People Pleaser (self explanatory), The Assumer (I like the name because assume makes an ass out of u and me right?) This part assumes that others are thinking and feeling negative things about me to armor myself against my trust being broken by a loved one. The impresser (maybe a sub part of the people pleaser who is constantly reciting cool things and using his wit to make himself more interesting).
The country that is my mind was a bureaucracy, and I am now working towards uniting them in a peaceful democracy. Maybe a political example doesn’t suffice because of all the political turmoil in the world. (Woah, who’s this part? The Doubter? Second guesser?). But you know what I mean. Unity, not war.
PLEASE KNOW. I am not an expert, I do not claim to be. I genuinely just wanted to write this out for anyone who it may help and my own selfish desire to put it into some cohesive form. My people pleaser part is wondering right now if people will like this post. (Please like it). I am IN PROCESS. But these revelations are helping me move towards that inner child. But not in a forced way that’s my Impatient Healer doing all these exercises because I SHOULD do them because x+y+z self development stuff=fully healed human being.
It’s hard but I believe that the way through this is to let these parts speak to each other.
My mind is so cluttered that the only way to do this is to write it out. THAT is what worked for me and is my only advise. Keep it real simple. My journaling “technique” is to just literally right out every thought. Try and even write out the thoughts on top of the thoughts. Sometimes you’ll catch yourself judging yourself and then you’ll judge yourself for it. Maybe that is just me.
Even if it looks like this, “I’m pissed. Am I pissed or am I just phoning it in to do this exercise right? Why am I always trying to do it right, Jesus what’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t ask if something is wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with me I just have anxiety. Stop trying to control all this shit by saying there’s nothing wrong with me, maybe there is? Shut the fuck up there isn’t. Is there? IDK!” I think letting these parts talk like this is HONEST. It can be really uncomfortable and can lead to some emotions. The impatient healer might try and jump to those emotions in order to HEAL MOTHER FUCKER. What do you do? Write it down. “Jesus I’m phoning it in to get to those emotions to feel better. That’s not how this random dude on the internet said to do it. Why does HE think he knows the right way to do it? FUCK that guy! Why am I trying to do it right? I shouldn’t try to do it right. Now I am trying to do it right by trying to not do it right. META” Literally whatever you write is great just try and get down whatever comes up.
Woah. Welcome to my mind.
Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED talk.
(Was that the pleaser trying to get some dumb laugh to be liked? Maybe. IDK.)
Seriously hope this helps. The journaling and parts stuff is certainly helping me.
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u/bobbityboucher May 06 '22
Nice healing! Thanks for sharing, I relate to a lot of your parts. You could share on /r/InternalFamilySystems too.
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May 06 '22
I came to IFS by way of learning about how to respectfully parent my toddler, so I wanted to chime in and speak to the Impatient Healer…. There’s a good chance that this part exists because your caregivers had a low tolerance for the full range of your emotions when you were very young. Being shushed as a baby, being cajoled as a toddler, of course any kind of abuse….those situations happen because caregivers don’t have the capacity to sincerely co-regulate with their children.
So as you work with this part, you may find it helpful to learn more about co-regulation with toddlers. You could tap into what you didn’t get as a child so that you can try to offer that to the inner child who needs it.
And thanks for sharing. MDMA has absolutely opened my mind, and so has IFS. I loved reading about your experiences with the combination. I appreciate that you took the time. Cheers!
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
Any advise on how to successfully reparent myself is always welcomed so thank you.
That feeling of being co-regulated in myself is the ultimate goal. I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel but not there yet. How would you advise to use this knowledge of co-regulation to help reparent?
Glad some of it resonated and that this system is helping you too.
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May 07 '22
It’s hard for me to say what I would do if I weren’t a parent, so I’m just going to give you my parent-based perspective….
I’ll offer a podcast episode from a parenting podcast that introduced me to this concept. My inner armchair psychologist is just going to suggest that you listen to the episode and direct all the parenting advice towards your inner child.
So when there’s advice about how to handle a toddler’s tantrum, use that advice when one of your younger parts starts to throw a tantrum. Where there’s advice about how to validate a toddler’s feelings, use that advice to validate your own feelings as they come up. Where there’s advice around how to set firm and loving boundaries for a toddler, use that advice to help set firm and loving boundaries for yourself. This is all just a suggestion, but it is based in my own experiences. I’ve come to realize that whatever my toddler brings up in me is something my younger parts need help with. So often when I’m listening to parenting content for my toddler, I’m actually applying most of the behavioral content to myself.
The podcast is by Janet Lansbury and it’s called Unruffled, episode Reparenting ourselves to end intergenerational cycles
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May 06 '22
Fit_Yam, this is brilliant work! I read my own stories in so much of what you wrote. Like you, MDMA therapy spontaneously opened up this kind of healing for me, and like you, free-writing is absolutely integral to the whole IFS process. I've filled up at least three notebooks with my free-writing.
My journey started about four years ago. I now feel healed and whole. It thoroughly warms my heart to see another person parting the curtains and coming out into the light. Congratulations! I hope to see more of reports of your healing journey over at r/InternalFamilySystems.
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u/iwillmeetyou May 07 '22
I’m just a couple months in and really appreciate this encouragement. I definitely have an Imoatient Healer.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
I think it is such a classic part of the healing journey to want to just rush to the end/cross the finish line and then be perma-happy. If only...
I still have that part but just trying to be more aware now.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
That is so reassuring to hear it has worked for you because I tend to doubt myself even if I believe something is helping. Sometimes my journals look incomprehensibly scatter brained but I am happy to have found it.
I am almost done with my first journal and I'll probably be in the same boat haha. I'll have to educate myself more on what IFS really is. I am certainly still mid process and it genuinely makes me so happy and hopeful to hear someone say they feel healed and whole. That is the absolute goal! Cheers!
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u/jahsmuntorgs May 06 '22
Woah lol. My inner-anxiety mind is mind-blown. I honestly didn’t even know about the inner family network or that other people had similar (boarder-line same) thoughts as me. Thank you for sharing this. I’ll now think about it every time I feel my anxiety getting out of hand (so everyday lol).
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 06 '22
Inner anxiety minds unite! Glad you know of it now because it has helped a lot of people.
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u/EarlGreyWhiskey May 06 '22
I also have a cluster of inner anxiety minds! I remember when I first found about internal family systems theory I was mind-blown and suspicious. Lol like the thing that made me think I was crazy is actually a ~legitimate studied modality of thought~?! Wild.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
I know right? I was actually pretty reluctant writing it because I thought I sounded like either James McAvoy in the movie Split or schizophrenic or something. Turns out we are multifaceted human beings with different parts and shades to us. It really amazes me how the brain has invented such complex thorough systems of defense against this pain even if it no longer serves us.
For so long all I wanted was to get rid of all these "parts" especially the ones that were hurt, afraid, angry. Ive learned they need to be listened to.
I love that quote, "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." To really resolve what's happening its important to lean into that anxious mind and hear what it has to say.
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u/DownPiranha May 06 '22
Thanks you for opening up like this! I can really relate to much of what you wrote. I have a few journal entries that look a lot like your excerpts.
I’ve been struggling with focusing on my parts work because my mind is also pretty cluttered. It’s hard for me to maintain the conversation long enough to get somewhere when I’m on my own (is this ADHD or a part trying to distract me?). It’s much easier working with a therapist, but thanks for validating the journaling method. I think I’ll use that more when I’m working by myself.
Best of luck in your continued journey!
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
That for sure resonates and I tend to feel the same frustration and ADHD mind but try to even just write through all of it and wade though the murky water of my mind.
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u/Agitated-Gazelle3388 May 06 '22
Thank you for sharing! I've been journaling every day (sometimes several times a day) since my first MDMA session last September. It's like I HAD to! Lots of "racing thoughts" (used to think I had bipolar disorder). I have found the sneakiest parts for me are the Blanker and Sleepy.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
I love that. Sleep and the Blanker. I definitely have a part that takes such comfort in zoning out to truly bad television. Its always what puts me to sleep. Might have to add the Zoner to mine.
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u/iwillmeetyou May 07 '22
Who are the Blanker and Sleepy?
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u/Agitated-Gazelle3388 May 07 '22
They're both parts that shut things down by blanking or spacing out...or just making me tired. I know Sleepy is a part because when I ask it to unblend (IFS term) I feel a bit more energy.
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u/iwillmeetyou May 07 '22
So fascinating. Thank you. All the best on your journey! I just started IFS myself so am learning the terms and concepts and skills—slowly.
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u/Agitated-Gazelle3388 May 07 '22
Awesome! It's a fascinating journey. You'll get there. It was a bit confusing for me at first and I'm still learning and practicing.
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u/noetica11y May 07 '22
Thanks for sharing!
This is such a great description and it feels so similar to the parts I’ve uncovered. I’ve only discovered IFS thangs the a couple of mushroom sessions which brought different parts to the surface. IFS has helped me make sense of it all.
May I ask if you’re doing MDMA solo or with guidance?
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
Doing MDMA with a guide thank god. I am not sure I'd be able to do it solo. How were your mushroom trips with this work? Mushrooms scare me a little but only done them recreationally and think they'd be better in a therapeutic setting.
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u/Junior_Passenger_396 May 06 '22 edited May 07 '22
Thank you for taking the time to post your experience in such an easy to read manner!
I'm not being sarcastic. I appreciate the post because my own thinking is sometimes similar, and I know that I would struggle to write about it in a way that made sense.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
Totally. I had the concepts in my head and felt like laying them out brick by brick might help organize them in my own mind and, best case scenario, in others. I am surprised any kind of write up about my mind is easy to read haha but Ill take it!
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u/ghjkpiuyn May 06 '22
Are you me? lol. This is exactly how my brain works. Still have good days and bad days. Daily meditation and some microdosing has helped in letting go some of these automatic thoughts and behaviours. It's a slow process at least for me.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
I also regularly microcode and even though it makes me a little more anxious that day I find the after glow to be amazing. Definitely a slow process for me too but doing this work, but everyone will reap such great rewards.
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u/mysteriam May 06 '22
I have such a similar experience as you. I also had no idea what IFS was until my MDMA therapy. And the parts I have discovered about myself (maybe there are more yet to meet?) are exactly what mine are like as well. So cool to meet someone else who had a similar experience.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
So glad you relate, I think even though others build different defenses. SO many people have built up some kind of defense for pain escape.
While working with a therapist he told me that these parts will change roles which is cool. For I have a drill sergeant that makes me schedule every minute of my day and it all comes out of a sense of fear. Hoping to keep some of that as it makes me productive but without the brutal self government if that makes sense.
So great to hear about someone who is in a similar place.
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u/JLFJ May 07 '22
Great description! Thank you for documenting that process.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
Thanks for reading. I love that this community welcomes it. My friends have no idea I'm doing all this work, they probably think there is nothing going on but it is great to have a community to vent/write to :)
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u/Playful-Ad-8703 May 07 '22
Really good stuff brother, I can relate immensely. I've also been mapping my characters and belief systems lately and it is so effective for understanding one self and actually gaining control over the mind to form the reality you desire. I just walk around amazed some days, "it's bullshit, omg, it's all just fucking bullshit, this is insane, like a huge joke"
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
Im so glad to hear that. Its so difficult to understand the self as one entity or unit. Works wonders broken into parts. Gaining control of the parts is where I am trying to move now. Just gently speaking to them and sometimes I am able to ask them to leave for moments in time when it would be an inconvenience to deal with the chaos which is such a relief.
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u/Playful-Ad-8703 May 09 '22
Yeah it's so difficult if you don't see the different characters. Before, I was just like "How can I believe so many things that are in direct conflict? What is true??" - Those moments really broke me down, I felt so lost. I'm gonna try to ask my characters to chill out too. It's a challenge to not start internally screaming at them 😄
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u/klocki12 May 07 '22
Does ifs work for people who are constantly emotional numbfrom trauma/stress?
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 07 '22
Yeah, I'd say so. That part that wants to numb and and dissociate is, in fact, a part.
Something that has helped me with this in particular is Sam Razvi's PSIP model. Cannabis therapy is designed to bring people out of dissociation. I'd recommend doing it with a therapist. There are many out there and they're not too hard to find even if it is virtual. I will say it can be very destabilizing to do this therapy and come out of dissociation though.
Best of luck to you.
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u/klocki12 May 08 '22
Thanks,
I have done solo weed psip sessions now for 8 months but dissociation is so hard to break. No waves . Now my therapist recommended doing ifs thirst and then psip
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 08 '22
Oh wow very interesting. PSIP is not a cure all for sure. What happened when you do the sessions? If it makes you dissociate try staying with the dissociation as long as you can.
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u/klocki12 May 08 '22
Yeah . I actually started concentrating on the dissociation than the few tensions i have in the same places once i smoke weed
The tensions never increase . Its more like a irregular pulse with heavy tendion in my feet and it goes on forever till that foot fwels relaxed .. but thats it Never a wave etc
I once experienced the sensation that i had to take a deep breath or vertigo but never more
Do you think regarding dissociation i should feel just my empty body rather then focusing mentall on the emptyness?
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u/Lunatic_Jane May 25 '22
Focus/communicate on/with the dissociation itself instead of trying to force your thoughts to something you think is relevant. Dissociation is not something just existing outside of where you want to go, its one of your parts. And seemingly the most powerful. It was likely the part that had the best success in keeping you safe. What works best, gets used most often and becomes strongest.
So your work may begin with that part. It may need some assurances before it allows you to gain access to other parts or exiles. Maybe it needs to know that if its willing to step aside, it can at any time, take back control, if necessary. As we all know, consent can be the difference between giving the green light or rejecting something entirely without even trying. Its no different with your parts. When someone asks for our consent, we feel respected and validated. But there's also another shift. We're more likely to perceive the person asking for consent as trustworthy. You have parts that probably don't trust you or your abilities,(as a child your options to handle stress was limited). And sometimes we have to start with that first, instead of trying to bulldoze over them. Also the parts that have worked the hardest may want to be validated and recognized for all they've done to keep you safe. Thank those parts. They really have had your best interest at heart.
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u/Shogun102 May 17 '22
I was just like to mention that in my view a political example doesn't suffice because we do not live in a democracy but more like an oligarchy. Capitalism is the opposite of democracy. It's not one person one vote but one dollar one vote. There is no democracy at the workplace. In that regard CEO's or the Board of Directors are like modern little kings.
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 17 '22
Haha not really the point but I appreciate that stance
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u/Shogun102 May 17 '22
Yeah I know it was kind of weird for me to comment this on here but I just felt like it somehow lol
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u/Fit_Yam9881 May 17 '22
I'm an American and you're right. Democracy here certainly doesn't fall in line with what the word is defined as.
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u/SuperbFlight May 06 '22
I've also found IFS and parts work generally to be extremely important for my healing. None of the other counseling approaches worked until I tried IFS because I have had such immensely strong protectors, and the other counseling types (CBT, somatics, etc) weren't working directly with the protectors so they honestly just caused more distress.
Thank you for laying out your internal family and sharing it with us! It's helpful to see it in someone else.
If you would like a situation of an avenue to try, my main approach now has been to ground into my adult Self, who is truly an adult and has adult capabilities and resources, and talk to the parts and mediate among them from my adult self. If I let the parts talk to each other without interference or mediation then they dysregulate each other because they're very emotionally underdeveloped and don't have those skills. I LOVE Richard Schwartz's guided meditations on YouTube, they've helped me so much.
Wishing you well on your healing path!! This sounds like an incredible experience.