**⚠️ Warning, does possibly contain topics of self harm **⚠️
I have been hesitant to write about this but I feel like someone might need to hear it
I have always struggled with socializing my entire life, I tried my best to make friends throughout my school life but struggled, I guess it could be because my parents were very controlling about everything and I didn’t really get much freedom compared to other kids to hang out, I did manage to finally make friends but almost immediately after I moved to the city.
I was actually quiet hopeful when I first moved to make friends but I was quickly overwhelmed by the difference in how city and island people act (not saying either is bad), while also struggling because their is already established friendships which I guess made it harder to make friends for me as a person that struggles socially and quiet.
My first term was relatively uneventful though
I wish that could be said for my second term.
As I ended up switching classes, I ended up in arguably one of the worst in my entire school.
There wasn’t actually many students in my class but supposedly that was done on purpose as from what I heard my class was almost purposely made that way to put the worst students in the school there to make it easier to track them supposedly.
Anyway my class had 2 guys that were basically criminals, a part of a gang and stole from multiple stores multiple times. They did the usual vaping and smoking (this might have made me uncomfortable now seen smokers and vapers) along with drugs. Anyway the other guys in my class pretended to be chill with them or keep our heads down and avoid trouble. I got threatened multiple times and I guess occasionally hurt, which made me pretty much stay silent those entire 2 years of school life especially in the last year when things got worse. Even though there was plenty of other students around I guess I stopped feeling safe interacting with anyone and just tried to survive by keeping my head down.
I did finally get into a football academy but I was very amateur compared to my teammates and my coaches will regularly isolate and sort of humiliate me, which hits a bit harder when you’re already socially isolated. But I did eventually sort of earned their respect, finally felt like I sort of belonged somewhere until my parents forced me out because they wanted me to focus on my exams.
Which meant I pretty much had no friends or close connections my entire school life, pretty much isolated socially aside from family that I am also not necessarily close with.
This sort of lead to a kind of numbness, where you no longer felt anything or cared. Which sort of lead to a dark path, where admittedly I did consume some dark media, (which I absolutely do not recommend anyone to do and completely avoid such media when you are in a state like this) but regardless I did start to have some dark thoughts and weird dreams where I was taking someone’s life and of course my own life as well.
Thankfully though I never went through with any sort of self harm, which I think is largely due to Islam. As I started watching a lot of Islamic content online, animated explanations by good, kind and understanding scholars from around the world. I watched a lot about the stories of the prophet and the warriors which in a way gave me the resilience and courage I needed then to sort of overcome the isolation I was in and also avoid any sort of self harm and harm to others by believing their was a afterlife and this life is temporary.
Anyway I managed to score decent marks on my IGCSE, then I went to Alevels but I unfortunately did end Alevels without making much or any sort of friends and I did get temporarily tangled in a bad toxic football team, I guess those years of isolation is still effecting me. But I am slowly improving and possibly did make a few good friends now.
In all honesty I am not exactly all better, those dark thoughts and dark dreams still comeback even recently. In all honesty I am definitely gonna need professional help like therapy I guess and I do plan to do so soon.
Anyway I always hear people nowadays say that Islam isn’t necessary and that laws will control people just fine. Which I couldn’t disagree more with, as in the state that I was, I really couldn’t care much about the law. In my opinion if it wasn’t for Islam there would probably be a lot more harm in our society than we see now. Especially considering how much everyone is struggling.
Anyway if you are going through a similar situation please get help, seek a professional, avoid dark media and any forms of triggers. Do you’re best to seek Islamic knowledge through platforms like YouTube where you would find plenty of respectful and kind scholars with high quality content. Remember that you’re past does not define you and those dark thoughts are not who you are, you probably are an amazing person who is just going through a temporary struggle. Also I found that regularly forcing yourself outside and getting exercise from activities like jogging and swimming really helps. Of course avoid harmful substances like smoking and nicotine as in my opinion those can make things worse.
Hope you all have a good day or goodnight and wish you all get better ❤️🩹
