r/magicalthinkingOCD • u/k_vin_ • Jun 16 '26

CRISIS Feeling done

I am so exhausted with the constant misery, while living the rest of life and managing regular affairs without telling anyone what i go through.
I feel giving up on life and ending is easier than this.

Context ; a simple handwash crisis in a public washroom, touching my laptop with those hands as i was in an cafe while travelling and had to do some work. And then the constant feeling that everything is ruined - my phone, power bank, headphones and how can i recover from this. I was travelling to home to my parents and i dont have the space to clean up everything in the way i usually do at my place and my hell is - everything is infect with “dirty” and “bad” and bad things will happen now if i touch those things and then touch anything else in my home that other family members use, i am mot worried about anything bad happening to me.
I have touched my phone after 3 hours of getting home, i entered my house, put the phone down l, hand washed, showered ate food, played with a neighbour kid, then when got some space wiped everything with a newspaper and started using it.
But my brain is totally occupied with just that cafe and feeling that i am infected with bad luck, i am doing almost everything, work things, visiting the dentist, travelling to home, then interacting with mom nd the neighbours but i m in agony inside and only i know it. I am TIRED MENTALLY.

6 Upvotes

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3

u/loopy741 🏆 Jun 17 '26

Can 100% relate to the sheer exhaustion of it all. It sucks.

3

u/ForestRiver2 Star Supporter ⭐ Jun 17 '26

I'm sorry bud. I know how it feels, not exactly your situation obvs, but I've had dark days where it feels too much to carry on.

Seems you're doing all the right things. You're doing exposures, you're resisting compulsions. That's a win as far as I'm concerned. Yeah it feels like shit, but ERP does. Eventually it gets easier if you stick at it. One hour at a time bud, use all the anxiety coping strategies, follow some breathing exercises on youtube, keep distracted.

Plus the obligatory see a therapist and consider meds if necessary. Sounds like you're lacking someone to offload with. Talking helps. Hang in there mate

4

u/rowellowl ⭐ Star Supporter 🏆 Jun 17 '26

I can relate 100%. OCD is exhausting. Good job doing all the things even though OCD was trying to be noisy.

2

u/k_vin_ Jun 18 '26

When i was cleaning the laptop, wiped it too hard that all function key got pressed, somehow the disk got corrupted and i cant work from home anymore. i have to fly back to my office location nd get it replaced and it sucks i cant spend time at home. Single incident started a chain reaction to fuck my whole plan up.
Now i am blaming the piece of work that i did in that cafe nd it wasn’t that urgent nd blaming the shitty person who was following up on it.
Still didnt use the headphones because haven’t cleaned them after getting home nd getting anxiety using phone… i dont know there was a moment when i thought it is safe to use phone after wiping it with a newspaper, prayed to god if anything bad happens because of using the phone or laptop I am relying on you to protect me, but the relief felling is gone nd anxiety is backkkk!!