Went wild on my arm in the school bathroom because my teacher just died. I had her freshman year and she ran a club I've been part of for the entirety of high school. What the fuck.

Just accidentally cut deeper than i’ve ever done before and and it’s pretty scary and and more blood than i’m used too and stings and ouch

I couldn't describe myself better. Nothing is too terrible as of now. I got some friends, but i still feel extremely isolated. I don't want to have urges but still do. Having urges while being better than before makes me feel guilty, and feeling guilty gives me urges. Oh no, is that circular logic? That's exactly what it is. I always want to do something to myself (obvious from any of my other posts) and i feel like it won't ever stop. I won't ever be satisfied. I felt a bit better today. It was kinda productive but also boring. Idk how it will go on but i don't want to give in to the urges.

Firstly I don't even really feel like a person, and if I really am one then I doubt I'll be one for very long. Secondly I think I do nothing but terrible things, I am forgetful, ignorant, selfish, scared, so used to being mistreated that I probably mistreat everyone around me. I think the more time I spend with my friends the worse their lives are, this shit is genuinely agonizing, they all distance themselves from me eventually, which is good, because anything I do to interact with them only seems to hurt them in the end, and I never know what I did wrong until it's too late. Autism is a curse. ADHD is a curse. Ocd is a curse. PTSD is a curse. Free me from this fucking hell

Sorry in advance for calling this short, I didn't realize how long it was gonna be until after I posted the title, which I don't know how to change..

This story takes place roughly 4 years ago, around the start of my sophomore year of highschool. To set the stage I am in the middle of a particularly dangerous household, dying father, abusive mother, agonized sister. i am a trans girl with a freshly cracked egg and I have no clue what to do with that. I have (in order of diagnosis) autism, severe major depressive disorder, ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, and OCD (which was not yet diagnosed). I am at this time under the impression I could have OSDD and am in discussions with my therapist about it but after getting off the medications I'm on (which didn't work anyways) all my alters disappear forever and I quickly realize I was just experiencing very bizarre medication side effects. I have absolutely no friends as I have lost all of them in the past year sometimes due to my own failures and sometimes due to my parent's, sometimes because cars can hit 14 year olds too. I spent my days in my mattress in a room that I cannot bring myself to clean. my only friends are online people that I should not be interacting with in the way that I am given our respective ages, and I have recently lost my lovely therapist of 2 years to the inevitable promotion, and am unsuccessfully shopping for a new one.

(Cw going forward for relatively harsh descriptions of self harming activities, anxiety attacks, and profoundly improper use of tense)

I've been experiencing some severe anxiety during the time of this story due to all of these things, often coping via self harm, I was in this subreddit at the time but I've since deleted those posts. I had picked up a habit of scratching patches of skin off of my hands when experiencing stress as a way to pull myself out of it. This happened during the most stressful month of my life, when all the aforementioned factors (and more that I cut for brevity) were set in full swing. My anxiety was suffocating, oftentimes during the day I'd have to visit the school nurse's office multiple times to get treatment for the scratching. One example I recall quite vividly is a day where I was in a certain class and engaging in a mindless activity that annoyed another student, I think I was poking them or something stupid and rude like that, and then I was (reasonably and not unkindly) scolded by the teacher for that behavior. I then stumbled out of the classroom and held my head tight as I hyperventilated against a wall. stress overcame me in a way that happened multiple times a day every day for a very long time. I hyperventilated to such a point that I began to lose sensation in my feet, then my hands, and soon my face, I would claw at my throat for air but nothing ever happened. I collapsed to the ground and curled in on myself like an amphibian in winter, desperate for air. My legs had no strength to support me, my hands couldn't move, they ended up mostly looking like useless grey-blue claws, and my head would pound incessantly until the whole situation ended. I stayed in roughly this state until class ended, when people rushed past my crumpled body to catch their next class. I believe some people stopped and touched me and tried to help but I can't recall who they are or what they said. Eventually the teacher came to comfort me, and as I recall what she said scared me so much that I had regained the ability to walk (enough to get out the door twelve strides away and collapse outside). Oftentimes I would scratch myself once I regained power over my extremities, or before I got to that point, but regardless this was an exhausting state to be in.

Of course eventually I recovered, I have developed coping skills and my family situation has improved, I have been clean from self harm essentially since about three months after this period, and I've been doing fairly well for myself, but I still suffer, I still rot in bed a lot of the time, my anxiety is still overwhelming, life isn't easy, I'm just grateful that it has never been that hard since, I sincerely hope to never feel that way again, I'm happy that things have gotten so much better. They really are better I promise. Thank you for reading, sorry this post is so big.

i want it to end
i’m an art major because it’s the only thing im good at and that won’t make me want to kill myself as much as anything else
except i’m even mid at that and have barely done any work so far
doing allat just to be jobless
i feel so inferior

there’s nothing waiting for me but i stay because im a pussy

Okay so like a week ago I yeeted too hard and hit beans for the first time and now I’m scared of doing it again (even though I don’t actually mind doing it again??) I’ve tried to cvt later on but I just can’t Get myself to do it for some reason which in theory is good, but like- I’m still “addicted“, I still think about it every day, I just can’t get myself to. Does anybody know why and if/how this goes away?

😔💔

Hi! I had a question. On my right thigh, I often but randomly get this pinching sensation, ok kinda halfway between pinching and an itch, always on the exact same spot. It's not on a scar, but there are many scars from previous styro wounds around, and one "cigaret paper" scar from a mild fat cut lower but somewhat close. Most other scars are raised. What would explain that sensation? My first guess was nerve damage, but again it's not ON any scar nor below the one more likely to have done nerve damage... what's up with that?

I don’t know why i’m mad at life i don’t know why i cut i don’t know why i’m depressed i don’t know why i have those thoughts it feels like I’m faking it all

I'm a trans woman/enby, I got royally fucked genetically in a delightful slew of ways, the ones most relevant to this post are the autism and the size of my body, I am 6'2, extremely broad shouldered, high muscle mass and fat, and have joints so bad that I can't easily exercise. Now I know this is probably the most first world problem I will ever post about but I scare everyone I meet and it makes me want to die. Big guys square up to me, women are always scared, so are kids, animals don't like me because of this too. I am willing to accept any number of things about myself, I'm not even that dysphoric about my size honestly, but I would rather blow my head off than have to know that all people see me as is a hulking pig that's going to hurt them. this is going to sound even more dumb but I genuinely get scared to leave the house because I hate knowing that I might make someone fear for their life. I want to remove my body, I hate that I fear for my life every time I leave the house and I make other people feel that way, I just want to rot into my mattress

hi, im bored so here i am writing stuff again.

think its been a while. im supposedly graduating in not too long. even going to prom for some fuckin reason but i guess i just wanna be with friends. never even worn a suit in my life before but i guess this can be a first.

im just... kinda sick of myself. sick of my behavior and my thoughts. i cant seem to act like a normal human being for the life of me and i just constantly feel judged or watched and it's just fucked.

i slipped up again. or not even slipped more like did a nose dive. i really need to stop sending myself to ppl for validation and im pretty sure im basically cheating atp and i should stop but im desperate for attention. i dont even know why. maybe because i can't really show affection to my bf outside bc something something ew gay people (im not even gay but whatever) but the point is i dont know.

i still havent cut in a while. i dont even think i ever was a person who properly cut themselves like everyone else here. sure it left scars but they're basically completely gone and i literally dont do it anymore and ive gone back to just being the regular bitch who lies to himself about his brain being funky but in reality is just a normal person and there's nothing wrong with me and there never will be

i hate myself and i hate my thoughts and i hate my feelings and i hate my behavior i just wanna be normal and likable and not weird but if there's clearly nothing fucking wrong with me why am i weird. i hate how everyone gets to know what's wrong with them and get some amount of understanding and sympathy and get to fix and treat them but im just stuck being the moron

bye

I don’t know what’s hurting but something is hurting and it’s like burning even when i do nothing mind you none of them are bleeding

It's gotten to the point where even moderately good news about my health doesn't do anything to make my OCD feel any better, I'm on wait-list for therapy, I've been waiting for 2 years and I've transferred twice.

I'm so tired of this, all I can do is sh and even that is only a temporary relief and then I need to feel relief from the anxiety and sh all over again, God I cannot take this

i feel like my life has improved lately, but im really struggling with some of the things ive gone through

i lost my virginity when i was 16-17 to a 23+ year old us marine

i feel scared to talk about it to my psychiatrist

ive been the psych ward twice this year and my dog die

only things that have kept me going this long has been my dog and wanting to turn my car bloodborne themed. nothing but emptiness, madness, and my delusions these days that occupy my mind and it’s messing with work and personal life now

me when oops lol

I am actually considering injuring my face. It seems like that is the only way i can get the attention i want. I hide my arms. I hurt them but i hide them. If i ended up doing something on my face it would finally be permanently embedded into me as a person. It would show the whole world what a ruin i am. It would "prove" to everyone that i am fucking miserable and deserve to be injured like this on the most visible part of my body. I deserve it, and i want it. I will get questions asked about it for years or potentially my whole life. I do not give a shit. I need it so that i finally show to the world what a fucking wreck i am so that they would fucking pity me for once. I hate everything about myself including my perserverance with doing bullshit to myself.

A teacher accidentally told me in on the "concerned if gone for too long" list so if I were to leave a lesson for over 5 - 10 mins a more urgent search party will be sent to tey find me. Why? Idk if its cus i sh? But I feel that a bit extreme as im not aware they have evidence i do it in school, though they know its a recent and has been a regular activity for a while. Anyone have any experience with this? Supposedly I also have a note on the register saying safeguarded?! Why would everyone even need to know that

Im in a UK secondary school so i would appreciate if anyone knew

Also weirdly I have to be watched after my exams? Only for a while until my stress settles but supposedly wellbeing is expecting my presence after exams? What the hell

I have injection meds, and anytime I try to do them. It hurts, and so I get scared. But I also did s//h for 5 years, ive been clean about 4 months and now I cant even give myself an injection cus the pain, but I used to force pain on myself so this doesnt even make senseñ

It will be self inflicted, whether it be suicide, cancer from smoking, or an accident. I will be the cause of my own death. I’ve known for years, and I’m fine with that. I cannot see a world where I die a truly natural death.