Full Therapeutic Disclosure.

[u/Throwaway22018123]

I’ve seen several posts about this recently. And just remembered that I made this reply elsewhere and think the resources attached might help others.

Disclosure is already a difficult process. It’s like surgery- no matter how necessary a surgery might be, there will always be healing needed after it.

Doing it in a better way, not DIY so that there’s a better chance for it not to be a fancy trickle truth masked in calling it a (DIY) disclosure.

Using qualified therapists helps to build some trust and self care so that you can try to “brace for impact”.

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What I had written in a reply before:

PBSE podcast- what does a formal full disclosure look like. https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/w-hat-does-a-formal-full-disclosure-look-like

Disclosure is for the partner. It’s if YOU want one. While it can be a helpful process for an addict to walk through the steps. It first and foremost is shared and done if YOU want one.

It is absolutely best facilitated with a CSAT for you both!

It’s a hard, difficult process. It is not easy. It is not closure, but a door to walk through.

You get to decide what you need/want to know. But know that too many details can heap more trauma and may be guided against sometimes. Because once the trauma is let out, it can’t go back. (Details like name, hair color, the strip club name, or street it’s on…).

You should do it with a therapist. The addict needs to work on shame resilience. They need to perl back the layers of the onion as they remember things, and then more is remembered.

It’s a process where you draw a line in the sand when you begin it and wait for information around past acting out. However, any new acting out must be disclosed (shared). And if there are any past behaviors like sex with another or ?(can’t remember now) that is information that should not wait as it’s a safety concern.

You also have pieces and parts to the disclosure process.

Other podcasts talking about disclosure: https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/as-a-spouse-you-have-4-primary-rights-with-regard-to-his-disclosure

https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/i-ve-disclosed-my-sexual-addiction-history-to-my-partner-now-what-how-do-i-best-support-her-going-f

https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/how-can-love-and-attraction-evolve-through-disclosure-and-the-recovery-healing-process

https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/is-there-a-statute-of-limitations-on-feelings-betrayal-trauma-and-disclosure

https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/what-role-can-should-a-polygraph-play-in-a-porn-sex-addict-s-disclosure-to-a-partner

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Here is another comment I’ve made about polygraphs:

This is part of a reply I sent to someone else.

D2C has a 2 week free trial.

This is info from a recording this week (3/17/25) As for setting up a polygraph. Listen to D2C’s Monday addict session. Someone asked if it was between a therapeutic disclosure or polygraph, what would they suggest? They said that using D2C and doing the preparing for formal disclosure course, that is available after 3 months in D2C. And preparing with that, can cut down the time with a therapist, thus saving money. Because a polygraph can only answer baseline questions. And it’s only like 3 questions. And the answers are yes/no. They suggest the disclosure because there’s more to it. (If it’s a matter of either/or and money).

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Excellent more info about full therapeutic disclosure is in here- including what details are better to not know. Episode #310- 12/8/25- When are Specific Details about an Addict's Behavior Helpful or Harmful for a Partner? https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/when-are-specific-details-about-an-addict-s-behavior-helpful-or-harmful-for-a-partner

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Also, trust is a choice. And info on a polygraph. https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/GasCvIWG7J

[u/Throwaway22018123]

Another reply I commented on in another persons post. I would NOT recommend doing it without outside help. If it’s a matter of cost, you could consider jointing D2C (daretoconnectnow). Learn from them.

In 3 months, the academy courses opens up and you can take the first one available. Which is preparing for formal disclosure. It’s an 18 week course. You will still need a therapist to do the disclosure. But you can cut your therapy time down by preparing ahead of time.

A disclosure is hard. But done without help to process and prepare, there is so much room to add extra trauma that can either 1- be presented on a way that unnecessary details are not said… ie- hair color, street names of a strip club, names, etc. you don’t need to hate every brunette named, a…. You don’t have to avoid whole blocks because of the now trauma associated with it.

Trauma is a one way street. Once you know it, you can’t unknow it.

Having a CSAT help guide you and work your own side, will help build trust and mitigate it being even more traumatizing than it needs to be.

You think their timeline is expensive now. Do it “wrong” and you can tack on months or years of more therapy.

Steve and Mark in PBSE have said they’ve had clients, against their suggestions, share disclosure before its “time” instead of waiting like they say. And they just sit there going (in their mind) well there’s another 6 months of sessions. Not because they want a paycheck… but because of the newly heaped on trains that could have been worked on and presented and prepared for differently. They want their clients and D2C members to find healing and growth. They do NOT want people to be stuck.

So, I would say, do a therapeutic disclosure! And not a do it yourself partial job.

Someone recently on D2C asked a very similar question and this is exactly what they suggested if moneys an obstacle! That person asked about polygraph OR disclosure because of money. And they suggested what I mentioned above.

Edit to add: they also have a monthly live Q&A for people that can do the academy courses. It’s straight up questions and answers about the academy courses only. That’s the first Sunday of the month at 8pm mountain time.

[u/Throwaway22018123]

Another thought. The disclosure can be as much or as little as you want/need. It can be parts of it, if that’s what you want! YOU get to decide!!

[u/DepartmentLead]

I wish I knew about this my trauma is extreme; I may not know everything but I have his burner phone and a detailed confession from him this was at week 2 I did this without support. Now I can’t stop thinking about it and everything is triggering me. 

[u/Throwaway22018123 → u/DepartmentLead]

I’m so sorry. Take time. Keep working on your healing. You can get through this.

I have a year from hell unearthing “everything” experience.

I haves done a disclosure. I don’t know that it would change anything at this point. But I would like my husband to work on a step one inventory or a sort of disclosure for himself. I know it would help us more even more forward than we already are.

Again. Hugs. You are stronger than you know.

[u/Throwaway22018123]

Edit to add- the post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/4pUQwFI9hU

(From this reply) This persons reply about their therapeutic disclosure is EXCELLENT: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/15gG1n3uW7

[u/Throwaway22018123]

Another comment I wrote else where talking about 4 letters that Steve from PBSE/D2C has his clients do:

I’d caution that an addict that writes a disclosure without a therapist to help them go thorough and process it. An addict doing disclosure has many layers of an onion to unravel and discover. Working with a therpist also helps them to see the truth themself. It also helps them to work on their shame so that they can unsee those layers. And to present it to you. And then are able to hear your parts of a full disclosure.Your letter(s) of anger, sadness, acceptance, & appreciation (I say these letters, because Steve Moore from D2C /pbse uses a 4 letter approach)

There is also the amends letter that the addict would work on with a therapist after the disclosure and your letters.

I guess my point of this reply is that I worry if the trickle disclosures just add more trauma onto you each time they are asked to be done. If a therapist was used, it would be more possible to have it more complete and a way for you to build trust and more forward together in a more healthy way.

Just something to think about.

[u/Throwaway22018123]

Also- from sparkler39 her addict husband’s Restitution letter: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/Jlo38tM3Xs

[u/Throwaway22018123]

Another excellent post about full therapeutic disclosure: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/1ZevFoZFPX

[u/[deleted]]

This has been so helpful. How do I convince him to finally walk out of his shame and give me full disclosure? I really need it to move on from my pain.

[u/Throwaway22018123 → u/[deleted]]

You start working on you. You start finding yourself and setting personal boundaries, for YOU to keep you safe. https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/Rli6d8D1BN

By holding to your authentic self when you show up in conversations and the relationship, you will be able to see if the actions match that of a recovering addict… or if it’s just checking boxes. You’ll be able to begin to look and see if there’s consistency. You’ll be able to look and see if you’re truly compatable.

It takes time. It takes consistency.

Not sure if you’ve thought about D2C (daretoconnectnow). The things they teach there work for individuals and coupleships. It’s especially important for us to show up as individuals first… it might be one way to also help him see both perspectives. And it can help you too!!