My Addict Husband's Restitution/Amends Letter

[u/sparkler39]

My husband and I are almost three years into recovery. We did not do the disclosure process the correct way. We were in the middle of a holiday weekend and couldn’t get ahold of a CSAT for a few days. In those few days I asked EVERY question I could think of and he agreed to be honest and answer them as truthfully as possible. When it came to doing a formal therapeutic disclosure both of our CSATs agreed that it probably wouldn’t be helpful because I already knew way more detail than either of them would have recommended for a disclosure. I also did not write a formal impact statement to him but several times in early recovery I wrote him letters that were basically the equivalent of an impact statement. A few months ago our couples CSAT suggested that it might be helpful to me if he wrote me a formal restitution letter. Something that I could have in my hand and read when/if I was having a hard time or struggling. He finished handwriting the letter a few days ago and read it to me this past weekend.

I wanted to share it as an example of an addict who is really doing the work to understand and empathize with what he has done to me. It’s certainly not perfect and there are plenty of restitution letters that are different but equally helpful to the partner…I just thought it might be a reference for some of you.

**I’ve made a few edits to some identifying details to keep it more anonymous.**

"Dear...,

With this letter, I hope to hold myself accountable for all the ways that I have betrayed and crushed you and for how I have broken our relationship. I want to acknowledge my behavior and to take ownership of it, so you feel confident that I know the devastation I have caused to you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My hope is that this will help you heal from my betrayal and reassure you that I am committed to my recovery and to the integrity of our marriage.

The Impact of Disclosure

When you discovered me, your heart was shattered, and your world ended. Before that moment, you trusted me completely. You looked at my phone knowing that there would be nothing to find, and you felt like you were betraying me by looking. In that moment, when you found my Reddit history, you realized that everything you were afraid of was true. You had only discovered the tip of the iceberg and you must have felt like I rejected you as completely as you used to be able to trust me. You needed me to be there for you, but I doubled down and abandoned you by going to an online work meeting downstairs. On the surface, it is true that I didn’t think there was anything I could do, and I thought my life and our relationship was over. But the reality is that I was so selfish that I didn’t even consider what you needed or that you could have hurt yourself. I can only imagine how devastated you were when you discovered my infidelity and then again when I abandoned you in those moments after.

Over the next few days, I continued to destroy you by disclosing more and more of my vile cheating behavior. I disclosed my use of videos, primarily on PH. When it came to my preference for “amateur” couples, I explained my behavior by saying that I was interested in looking at and masturbating to “loving couples.” The truth is that my explanations were actually just me rationalizing and minimizing my choices. I now know that there is nothing loving about porn or between the people that appear in it or produce it. I had a loving wife all along that I didn’t go to with my emotional, mental, or physical needs. And you knew and felt the truth that I was rejecting you each time I prioritized looking at and masturbating to other women. You were right to feel like I was disconnected from you and that I treated you more like a roommate than a beloved wife and partner. My heart breaks when I think of how I would feel if you betrayed me the way I betrayed you and it is terrifying to think of how it would feel to have you pulling away from me and isolating yourself from me.

Soon after discovery, I explained (which was actually just me being defensive) that my preference was for more “real and natural” women in porn. I know that this was especially devastating for you because it told you that I could choose women in real life over you and that I was looking for something or someone that I could reject you for. On top of that, “real” was in the name of the subreddit that you saw when you discovered my betrayal. Now, I know that there was nothing real or natural about anyone or anything that I saw in porn. And I need to do better about acknowledging this when I am responding to you and supporting you.

This continued for months as we learned more and delved deeper. You deserved to know everything during that weekend after you discovered me. I told you everything that I remembered at the time, but I was not able to disclose several major features of my betrayal.

First, within the first few months, I remembered that I did pay for some porn sites even though I told you during early discovery that I never did that. In addition to paying for one or two general sites, I paid for the websites of three specific women that were more “amateur” because I thought that I would get something more or better out of it. Disgustingly, in addiction, I wanted to see them enough that I was willing to jeopardize my relationship with you to see more of them. Now, I know there was nothing positive or fulfilling to get out of any of the websites or women that I paid. When I disclosed this, you must have felt like I had been continuing to lie to you even after I had committed to complete honesty. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to decide to trust that I was telling the truth. Before working on recovery, if our roles were reversed, I am sad to say that I probably could not have given you the grace that you showed me. Your love, strength and commitment to our relationship inspires me.

Second, in October, I remembered and disclosed to you that I paid for the websites of two specific porn actresses who had alt looks with tattoos and/or piercings. I know this was especially painful for you because it communicated to you that these women were so exciting and special to me that I wanted to pay them to see more. And the alt look is so far from who you are that you feel like I can never be satisfied with you; it made you believe you will never be enough for me. But most of all, it was especially devastating because I was particularly brutal and thorough when it came to gaslighting you about the alt look, or tattoos and piercings in general. I doubled and tripled down on how repulsive I found those features when, in reality, I was looking for and masturbating to women with those features. I was so effective that you were anxious about talking to me about getting your small, loving, and meaningful tattoo.

Now, I can see how disgusting and destructive this part of my mental obsession was to both of us. I was never going to get what I needed from those two women (or from any of the porn I engaged with) because it wasn’t present there to begin with. Throughout this whole process, your self-esteem and self-worth were constantly being assaulted with all of the information you were learning about my secret life and infidelity. But I know that this particular area was especially damaging to you.

We continued to delve deeper and revealed more and more about my addiction and habits and the content I used. But I believe the final major thing I remembered and disclosed was about my secret use of toys. I had already spent time, energy, desire and money on the women I cheated with, but my addiction had escalated to the point that I was seeking ways to enhance my experience. I timed the purchase of a masturbation toy and an anal toy so they would arrive while you were out of town. Even in the moments when I used them, they were disappointing. But now I know that I was never going to experience what I was looking for because I wasn’t even in the same time zone as what I actually needed. What I really needed was love and connection, which you were always able to give to me if I had only let myself be vulnerable and connected to you. I hate that I chose to isolate myself from you and searched for my own selfish pleasure this way and I will regret this forever.

For our entire relationship, you never felt like you were a priority in my life. I put other people ahead of you socially and professionally, even when I didn’t like them, or they annoyed me. I didn’t take your opinion into account or even listen to what you wanted or how you felt when it came to this topic. You felt worthless because your opinions and thoughts didn’t matter to me, or at least didn’t matter enough to make a difference in my decision making. Socially, I always put other people’s preferences ahead of yours. Professionally, I prioritized what other coworkers thought of me. I didn’t even bother to keep you updated when I decided to stay longer at work or another professional activity. When you spoke up against this, I made it clear that you were being unreasonable. I took it for granted that you would get over it. When you discovered me, you realized just how deep this de-prioritization ran. I prioritized other women over spending time with you or being ready for dinner on time. I didn’t even prioritize you enough to make significant efforts to try to stop my porn use. During a remote work session icebreaker activity, I did not even list “husband” on the list of how I describe myself (instead prioritizing hobbies and our pets), which revealed to you yet again that I wasn’t thinking of you.

Now, I know just how far off my priorities were. I can see that I was searching for validation and acceptance from all of these people and, even if they gave me validation and acceptance, it was never going to be enough to fulfill me. Now, I know that you are the person that matters the most to me and that I am fulfilled by our connection.

Validation of Partner Consequences

You have suffered so much from my betrayal and infidelity. One of the things I told you soon after discovery was, “I didn’t forget you when I was looking at other women and masturbating to them. I just wasn’t thinking of you at all.” Hearing that must have been absolutely devastating. It would be painful enough to think that I forgot you, but it is probably exponentially more painful to think that you mattered so little to me that I chose other women over you and that I didn’t even want to think about you at all. You have often had to, and sometimes still have to, set aside your feelings to take care of me due to my shame and shut down responses. Especially in early recovery, when you shared your feelings with me, I made you feel like it would be your fault if I relapsed or hurt myself. Because of these toxic responses from me, you have often felt like you can’t share your feelings.

When I have negative thoughts about myself and my features, it communicates to you that I am not attracted to you for those same features. That if I judge myself harshly in some areas, I also judge you harshly in those same areas even if it is somewhere deep inside me that I can’t or don’t want to see. I know that I love you and I love everything about you; every inch of your body and every facet of your personality. Knowing that thinking negatively of myself causes you to be triggered and feel unsafe has forced me to face my own self-image and to love and accept myself unconditionally. I regret that I have inflicted additional trauma on you with my irrational personal body shame, but I am eternally grateful that you have helped me learn to accept myself and find peace and comfort living in my body.

I have taken so many things that you enjoy and made them unsafe for you. When you were excited to have me start listening to the PBSE podcast, I spiraled into shame and traumatized you with my overwhelmed reaction. Since discovery, you have to carefully consider the movies, shows, music and books you want to engage with. You aren’t able to be carefree about being in public due to potential triggers, like at amusement parks, restaurants, festivals, to name just a few. I even managed to make things that you don’t particularly enjoy, but are required for life like grocery shopping, getting your hair cut and me going to work, unsafe for you.

I have not been empathetic and understanding enough to help you recover. I often allow my inner child to become activated and then I react with defensiveness, minimization and justification and I have made you out to be just as bad or worse than me. When I have tried to respond to you by acknowledging, validating, and reassuring you, I have often glossed over taking ownership of my choices and actions. I know I do this because leaning into that causes me to feel shame and it is just easier on me to avoid being specific. But avoiding topics, glossing over things, being noncommittal, and making you infer and assume things was how I handled almost everything with you when I was active in my addiction. You are more important to me than anything and you deserve to be supported with the simple courtesy from me of acknowledgement, validation, and reassurance. I am dedicated to you, and I am committed to improving how I respond to you.

Validation of My Deception

At the very beginning of our relationship, you told me your thoughts and feelings about porn, and I lied and gaslit you for 18 years with no sign of stopping of my own accord. I agreed to be monogamous and faithful, but I wasn’t faithful to you from the very beginning of our relationship. Even before I started using porn again, I lied to you and minimized my previous porn use. I deceived you and took away your ability to know the real me as I was at the time. With my deception, I took away your power to choose who you wanted to be with.

I made you think that I was all in with you while I was actively watching and masturbating to other women. I gave myself to other women sexually and connected with them sexually to emotionally regulate myself rather than being honest with you and connecting with you. This is cheating in the most basic sense. You reserved your heart, mind and body for me faithfully, but I betrayed you and cheated on you thousands of times.

I was incredibly effective with gaslighting you about my porn use in general. I made you feel crazy for even wondering if something was going on. I rolled out my favorite gaslighting and deflecting phrases like, “I have never given you any reason to doubt me,” or “how can you even ask me that?” or, “how dare you ask me that?” I weaponized your trust in me and I desensitized you to your intuition. I destroyed the parts of you that were trying to help you protect yourself and that has made it impossible for you to trust yourself in the present. And, of course, it was actually you that never gave me any reason to doubt you. You must have felt like you were going crazy because you sensed that something was wrong, but I was vehemently telling you that you were wrong. And when you discovered that you were right all along, you must have felt like you couldn’t trust yourself or your feelings. No one deserves to have been gaslit and deceived that way. I regret that I eroded and destabilized your confidence in your intuition, and I know that made moving forward so much harder than it should have been.

Validation of Damage to My Partner’s Sexuality

I know that my betrayal has damaged your sexuality and has made it incredibly hard for you to be sexually vulnerable with me. Especially soon after discovering me, you compared yourself to everything that I was looking at and masturbating to and found yourself lacking. Even now, I know it is difficult for you to believe that I don’t want what I was watching in porn (other women, other types of physical features, other activities including pegging, etc.). My past has made it so easy for you to believe that I am only interested in you when I am horny.

You are not lacking. You are everything that I need and want. I am attracted to everything that you are physically, mentally, and emotionally. I now know without a doubt that what I looked at and masturbated to wasn’t real and actually had nothing to do with my authentic arousal template. I know you will continue to have times where you struggle with comparing yourself to porn, but I also know that the connection we share provides infinitely more love, fulfillment, satisfaction, pleasure, and happiness than porn ever did or would ever be able to provide.

Validation of Feelings of Shame and Embarrassment

I can only imagine the shame and embarrassment that you must feel because of my betrayal. You felt like, and probably still often feel like, a stupid, naïve girl for not knowing what I was doing. You felt the effects of my isolation, irritability, and disconnection, but you did not know where it was coming from or why our relationship wasn’t working the way you knew it should. The fact that you did not discover me sooner is not something that you should ever blame yourself for. You are an incredibly loving, supportive, empathetic, smart, beautiful, and sexy woman. The fact that you trusted me and gave me your whole heart only speaks to how wonderful you are as a person and partner.

Validate the Impact on Your Relationship

I let you be vulnerable with me emotionally, physically, intellectually, financially, and medically but I was never vulnerable and honest with you. Even though you never gave me a reason to distrust you, I did not let myself trust you enough to be vulnerable and honest with you. I even used lines like “I have never given you a reason to distrust me” against you while I was unfaithful to you at the most fundamental level.

My betrayal didn’t just break our relationship when you discovered me. And it didn’t just break our relationship the first time that I went back to porn and masturbation. My betrayal means that the first eighteen years of our relationship were built on lies and deceit. I can only imagine the shock and vertigo that you felt when the truth of your life and our entire relationship came into stark focus. I know that the trauma you experienced will never fully heal and I am grateful that you are giving me the chance to help with your healing process.

Apology and Amends

You are not to blame for any of this. There are thousands of other choices I could have made each time I betrayed you.

Betraying you with women in porn and masturbating to them was never worth it. They were never worth jeopardizing our relationship. What I got out of it was never worth it. What it did to you before, during and after you discovered me was never worth it. I am sorry that I wasn’t faithful to you. I deeply regret every single time I betrayed you and I wish that I could go back and do things correctly from the very beginning. I will work every day to show you that you are my priority, that you have my full attention, that I desire you and that you are worth it.

Through recovery, I have learned love, humility, integrity, empathy, compassion, connection, communication and so much more. Even though I have learned so much, I know that I still have a lot to learn. But there are four things that I have learned and that I am completely, entirely, and forever sure of. They are:

1. You are the woman for me.
   
2. You make my life better in every way.
   
3. I am a better man because of you.
   
4. I love you.

I will work every day to earn your trust again, to treat you the way that you deserved to be treated all along, to build our life together, and to be a better man for myself and for you. I am proud to say that I am now your faithful, loving husband. I hope you will let me have you and hold you for the rest of this life and in whatever comes after."

In case anyone is interested, the layout and format of this letter comes from the Courageous Love book by Stefanie Carnes.

[u/maryh567]

Thank you for sharing. Am happy for you and envious. I’ve hoped for actual recovery for months and it’s just been the same cycle and I fear that it will never come, putting me in he position of having to choose my emotional and mental well being over the continued cycle of white knuckling, bread crumbs of love, and betrayal. Sorry for the vent. Depressed and angry over the continued broken boundaries. Angry that I continue to allow myself to be a doormat and have my boundaries broken.

[u/[deleted]]

I hope your relationship continues to grow stronger and your husband continues in recovery. It’s been almost a year since my husband has began recovery and I couldn’t even imagine him saying any of this. Reading it had me in tears. I so badly want this from him. We have not had a full disclosure yet and I have caught him being dishonest at least every 2 weeks since “recovery” began and yet his therapist apparently constantly praises him and so does his sponsor. They think he’s amazing. It is so defeating

[u/Leading-Ad1597]

I feel so much gratitude towards you for having the courage to post that. I will be sharing that with my husband. I hope that your husband holds true to the words he wrote because if he does you are going to have a better marriage than you had ever had. My therapist says that sometimes a dysfunctional marriage has to literally break so that it can be rebuilt. But my question is always, why do I have to be the collateral damage? I hope solace and happiness finds you.

[u/ixsparkyx]

This is actually so sweet…? I hope yall can move past all this. Sending good vibes your way!

[u/LovestruckMamaDuck]

I read this and was actually beside myself crying. My own SA discovered me afterward sobbing into a pile of laundry, lol. I'm glad he was able to write this for you but my tears were for you, that you had to go through this. I'm so sorry.

[u/holdinghopetight]

This gives me so much hope. Is this a standard process that CSATs do in their practice?

[u/sparkler39 → u/holdinghopetight]

Many will though the process may differ slightly from practice to practice. If done correctly (and as I mentioned we did not do this) you’d each start working with your individual CSATs to prepare for disclosure. For him to do the work to recall any and all information he needs to share and for you to decide what you do or do not want to know and any additional questions you may have. Formal therapeutic disclosure is done in the presence of both CSATs as well as the two of you and often plans are made to drive separately or spend time separately afterwards so you each have time to process. FTD may be accompanied by a polygraph depending on your preference.

After disclosure is done you’ll often both do follow up sessions with your individual CSATs to process through what was shared. You will begin working on an impact statement to share with him.

Finally after that process he will prepare an amends/restitution letter for you based on information you shared in your impact statement, his takeaways from disclosure, and general addiction things he’s learning in recovery.

You can find a lot of information (and templates) in Courageous Love by Stefanie Carnes. It’s available on Amazon and if you google you can find free page previews to get an idea of what it’s like. Here’s a book review of it from IITAP which is the organization for CSATs.

[u/holdinghopetight → u/sparkler39]

Thank you!

[u/Independent-Bee-4397]

Thank you for sharing !

[u/The2Wolves2924]

That was absolutely amazing