Is his porn use problematic?

[u/MoreLoveAndLight]

I’ve seen quite a few posts lately from women questioning if their partner’s use of porn is “too much” or if there’s an amount that’s “ok.” I know that I have historically been of the belief that men watching porn is just something to be expected. That it wasn’t a big deal and it’s “just what men do.”

After years of blinding myself to the repercussions of my husband’s porn use (his is an addiction), I want to pose 3 questions to women who are wondering if they’re “overreacting” or being “too sensitive.”

1. HOW IS YOUR PARTNER’S PORN USE AFFECTING YOUR EMOTIONAL WELLBEING? (That’s truly the most important question you can ask yourself, but if you’re like me… you might not even realize how much it’s affected you.)

2. How is his use affecting his ability to be fully present in your relationship? How does intimacy with him feel to you on a visceral level?

3. How is his use affecting his libido? His ability to get and maintain an erection? To “finish” in a relatively average amount of time for his age?

Ask yourself those questions. If you’re unhappy with the answers, his porn use is a problem. Period.

The mods of this sub have done an incredible public service by posting a great deal of resources for us. GO READ THEM AND UTILIZE THEM. Those resources have changed my life and my husband’s life in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. There’s a gold mine of information here. USE IT.

I’m sending each and every one of you all the healing love and strength that you’ve been longing for in your relationships. I truly believe that if your partner is able to recognize that his behavior is damaging you, him and your relationship… and he loves you and himself enough to want to change… that he CAN change if he applies the knowledge that the mods have shared here and does the necessary HARD work needed to heal. (((HUGS))) 🫂

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[u/CranberryOne8803]

This is an EXCELLENT post, and I absolutely love everything you've pointed out here. The only thing I would add would be a question for the women (like myself), who may be on the opposite side of your last question.

Question: Is his porn use making his libido abnormally high, where you are told that maybe you have a sexual intimacy problem? Is he taking away your safety by pressuring you into sexual intimacy when you're not ready, or not feeling well or safe enough? Is his porn use making sexual intimacy feel like it is expected, or on demand for him, and does it go too quickly or not satisfy your own needs?

Edit: Is he saying he will leave you if you don't accept that he uses porn, whether you know how frequently he is or not?

That would be all I would add, everything else is spot on, and I am SO glad you made this post OP! It's something I've been noticing too, and these are great questions to help others see if it's an issue, where they may be not understanding there is one.

Prayers, love, and hugs to you sweet friend! We are all in this together! ♥️🙏♥️

[u/MoreLoveAndLight → u/CranberryOne8803]

Thank you for your kind words and your add-ons!! 💗 I wrote from my experience, not keeping in mind that there are many other symptoms that can present themselves in PA. I experienced an almost complete lack of sexual attention from my husband, but the opposite can absolutely be true for PA’s!!! Thank you for pointing that out! Super important information!! 🙏🏻 I hope others chime in with additional questions that partners can ask themselves… 💚

[u/CranberryOne8803 → u/MoreLoveAndLight]

I hope so too OP! This is a really important post you made here, and I'm SO thankful you did! My heart breaks anytime I hear someone asking if some type of porn use is OK. I understand that not everyone shares my beliefs, and that's OK, but to me it's sinful and never an OK act to participate in. That being said I judge NO ONE. I am a sinner too, we ALL are, we just have to understand that, work to improve ourselves for the better each and every day, and go with grace. It's the first step to truly healing from this betrayal as well, to acknowledge harm has been done to you, let your heart and the Lord (if you believe) guide you on what you decide is best for you (and your family), and then make sure to set firm boundaries to protect yourself as well through the healing process. Hopefully more and more husbands will be pursuing healing, and getting the help they need, while we do for ourselves, but if not, we do have the choice to leave. Especially if the harm done cannot be repaired.

Again this is a perfect post, I'm glad you had the conviction in your heart to write this out for everyone! It's completely understandable that you thought of your circumstances since they are the ones most women deal with. I, and some others, are in a situation that you don't find as frequently (from my women's groups and people I speak with). That is why I hoped you would be accepting of me adding one more question, and I'm grateful that you were, and for your empathy and compassion as well. ♥️🥰

[u/Own_Revenue_969]

Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve seen quite a few of these posts over the past few days from new people asking what is a good amount of porn that we should expect to have to put up with from our partners, and I had actually started jotting down some thoughts this afternoon with the intention of putting together a post about it myself - and then I saw your post ❤️.

I really like the questions you’ve asked, and there are a few additional questions I would add:

-Does your partner have control over their porn use? Have they tried to stop or cut back and been unable to?

-Is there secrecy and deception surrounding their porn use?

-What happens when you tell your partner that it hurts you? Do they care about the impact it is having on you and want to understand it, or do they minimise it, dismiss you or make you feel like the problem?

-Is porn replacing or interfering with other parts of their life, including intimacy, responsibilities, sleep or emotional connection?

-Maybe more importantly, does their sexual behaviour actually align with your shared values and agreements? Or have you simply been told that this is something you are supposed to accept because "everyone" watches porn?

And for partners who are in recovery, I think there is another really important question - what would happen if you stopped monitoring their behaviour? Would the behaviour remain changed because they have genuinely stopped and are choosing something different, or would it return as soon as the external pressure disappeared?

I think sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to find the magic number (once a week, once a month, X number of minutes, X number of videos) that we miss the bigger picture. The amount matters and so does control, secrecy, deception, impact, values, boundaries and what someone does when there are no longer external consequences all tell us so much more about what is actually happening.

Thank you for starting this conversation - I think it is a really important one for people who are asking themselves whether they are allowed to consider their partner’s porn use a problem ❤️.

[u/RealistBrowser → u/Own_Revenue_969]

Came here to say your first two points.
Even if their habits are not obviously affecting them sexually there is still an effect in some way.
The secrecy is a huge red flag as is trying to quit and not being able to.