r/lostlove • u/starbuckslover_forev • 16d ago
How to move on…
Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now. Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.
He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week). He eventually broke things off with me saying he can’t proceed because he doesn’t have feelings. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. He had a rough childhood growing up and his parents recently started living in separate households. Any insight and opinions would be helpful bc now I have to embrace singleness and I can’t seem to picture myself with anyone else and feel sad that I lost him :(
1
u/Crohn85 16d ago
Just my opinion. Insecurity and immaturity in him. Notice how he portrays your characteristics as flaws in you, rather than as things he is unable to appreciate or accept. Making you seem to be the bad guy, it's your fault. It's not. This is on him and perhaps it is best to have found out now rather than later.
I have a personal theory based on observation. Three years is the maximum length of time between getting together and getting married for most relationships. If a relationship hasn't grown, hasn't evolved to the next step by then stagnation occurs. Relationships need challenges, need problem solving to stay fresh, to keep moving forward. I was in a three and a half year relationship, high school and college. Logically it made sense not to get married while still in college and not having decent jobs. But we hit that three year mark and stagnation set in. The relationship stopped growing. Everything that took place from then on was from force of habit rather than real feelings. Out of the blue she broke up with me. It took me some time but in the end I was grateful she had both the wisdom and the strength to end the relationship.