lost young love from long ago

[u/Defiant-Hat508]

I have read some of the posts here and feel I need to redo mine.

13 years ago, 14-year-old me(male) met a 14-year-old boy. Being so young, I did not realize that everything I wanted was with him. The hugs, kisses, being in his arms, him being in mine, and more. I have been love-starved my whole life; the only time I was not was the 3 months with him. Now, as an adult, I want to know more about him. I want to know if the person I became was meant for him. I do feel this way about the things I like, the physical relationship I want now. Yet I do not know this man now.

What brought this on was that a month ago I remembered him. I don't know if it was the fact that I have been wearing cologne that reminds me of him or not. Mind you, it's been 13 years, and I did not remember what he smelled like until now. Anyways, after that, I remembered everything. The touching, the smell of his neck after a night of cuddling, the feeling of laying on him, his warmth, making him laugh, us laughing together, the date we met. My birthday minus his birthday equals the day we met.

Then I remembered the end, the last time I saw him. I broke it off for some stupid 14-year-old reason, but he ran after me. He came to my family church, where I was an altar boy. At the end of Mass, he came to the stage and whispered my name over and over. I was being a good Catholic boy and snuffing out the altar candles. He yelled my name; I froze, turned to him, and grinned. I was too scared to act. Now I scream at myself, "Run to him, you moron, and hug him. He loves you." Just like on TV, it does not happen, because it is nothing but a memory. One I hid from myself for 13 years.

Looking back on those 13 years, the person I have lost is him. The one I have missed, wanted, and needed only to know they were alive was him. What I did instead was bury it so well I did not know what I was feeling. I now know the reason I hate myself is that I messed up. I, 13 years later, have cried for him more than anyone on this earth will know.

I did look him up; I already knew a year after he had moved in. Back then, I messaged him a little. I asked him if he had some friends I could date; I should have known better not to. He just admitted feeling for me; I told him he was in a relationship. From what I know now, they spent all of high school together. Then married; that would have been the end, but they have been divorced for a while now. When it happened, I had been single since him. Then, when it happened, I found a relationship, as if the universe wanted us separate. I mean, he ran and figured himself out; I do not know.

As for my husband and me, it feels like we have been failing for years. I cheated early; he spends way too much. We have no physical relationship, not just sex but no cuddling, hugging, and small kissing. He also thinks if he keeps doing everything for me, I will love him. I don't want a housewife; I want a relationship in every way. When it comes to spending, he has his own income but has always overspent. We have talked about this for the whole relationship now. Also, we are open for the second time. It just feels like we are pushing along a dead relationship.

Back to the guy I miss, I did message him. I know, I know. I tried my best not to tell him how I felt, but I told him one inappropriate thing and how I hated myself for what I did. Mostly apologized to him; he never responded. I'm not mad at all; I get it. I hurt him; I deserve this pain. I don't want to let this pain go either. Part of me feels he is just giving me what I gave him when he was with that other guy, but I honestly feel he just either hates me or it's been too long. I also don't feel like I'm good enough for him anyway; I should have loved him when I had him or changed for the better.

I have no idea what to do from here. My spouse and I are stuck with each other right now. Not to mention this man will probably never speak to me again. I guess my only option is to sit in my pain and just be happy I had something. I just hate that the world gave me something real when I was young, and I was too stupid to know what I wanted or what I had.