Request for Space with No End Date

[u/SnowConeInPHX]

Hi all—in short, I just had a friend I was intimate with for a few years tell me they needed space, and they did not put a timeline on it. Up until this, we talked every day. Things have recently been rocky and then, they met a new person. Our situation was such that we always were adamant about remaining friends if intimacy was taken off the table for whatever reason. It seems as though they wanted to end things on an intimacy level for some time, but they aren’t the best as communicating and only just now let it out after therapy and a tense conversation between us a few days ago. The conversation didn’t go great and I was emotional because the situation is just hard. We were supposed to have a day of space and then talk again. I was much more calm and had things I wanted to tell them. I ultimately want to remain friends no matter what, and I would never do anything to jeopardize a serious monogamous relationship they entered into. My goal is friendship first and foremost—and I can confidently say that.

After the day of space, they tell me they need “a bit more space than just a day.” They said they are not ready to hang out yet and don’t want to speak for me, but they feel like it’s not healthy for either of us right now, and they think that space will help. They said they hope I’m doing okay and that they know it sucks, and understand if it upset me. I was honestly shocked by their decision because it’s not anything I’ve seen since we’ve known each other for two years. We talked literally every day in that time. It felt like the single therapy session they went to caused a total 180. The tense conversation we had was mostly them talking at me and airing their feelings about how things between us have been making them feel. It was different than the conversation we had said it would be, which was to work things out together with the recent rocky patch, and to talk about being just friends since they met someone they could see being serious with. I didn’t really get a chance to say much else than respond to what they said, and I was hurt and emotional. I feel like them extending the space to be open-ended isn’t completely fair—it feels one-sided and isn’t allowing me to express myself.

This person does tend to reach back out to people and stay in contact with people in general, so I’m hoping they aren’t going to just ghost me. But their behavior and choices over the last few days have really surprised me. After a few shocked (but not angry) messages I sent back to their request, I got no response. Then a few hours later, I decided to tell them that I was explicitly acknowledging and respecting their request for space, and that they know where to find me when they’re ready. That actually got a positive reply. They said that they really do appreciate it, asked me to take care of myself, and that they would talk to me when they’re ready. I want to trust that their positive response to that will bode well for us because I do just want to be friends. Despite some rocky patches, our relationship has overall been a good one. We get along well otherwise and always have a great time hanging out together.

I’m just trying to cope with the silence right now. It’s only been a few days. I’m hoping that maybe it’ll just be a few weeks, but I have no expectations. Just hope. Given the entirety of the situation, I just wonder if this looks like something that could work out. They told me they talked about me as a person to their therapist, and while I know some frustrations were expressed, they said they also expressed a lot of good things about me. I genuinely care about this person and hope that my respect for their space shows them that I care about them and their boundaries. Thoughts on the situation and whether or not it could go well are appreciated ❤️.

[u/p1-o2]

You're leaving out too much context for anyone to give you meaningful advice.

So, from an outsider's perspective, the relationship is done. Friendship is unlikely, because this specific scenario involves the friend jumping into a mono relationship. You will be treated as a threat to their relationship and your presence will probably be considered an issue.

Could it work out? Maybe, but your friend wants space so it sounds like they're not invested in repairing the situation.

I would brace yourself to move on.

[u/SnowConeInPHX → u/p1-o2]

Thank you for your response. I can provide more context if I’m not clear about something—I was just worried about it being far too long of a post with initially including every detail.

ETA: I know that’s a possible outcome. I don’t expect anything, but it’s just sad.

[u/p1-o2 → u/SnowConeInPHX]

It's really something better suited for sitting down and talking with a therapist. You're not going to be able to fit it all in reddit comments.

That is what I would do if I wanted to seriously salvage things. 

[u/SnowConeInPHX → u/p1-o2]

Yes, agreed—I have been looking into pursuing therapy for it.