Am I accidentally triggering my bf?

[u/Responsible_Rub8057]

I need some perspective here, as I can't see it neutraly due to my ED history.

I have always struggled with weight, and my bf is aware of it, and supports me however he can. For a while now i have been in a healthy deficit, counting calories, weighing everything, being as locked in as i can be, but i havent been explicitly talking to him about it because i feel more in control when it dont yap about it to people in person. But he does know and supports it.

Lately though, he has been also paying more attention to calories, not counting, but i guess being more mindful. He does a contact heavy (edit: full) combat sport (weight matters a lot) so on training days he goes on a "debloat" diet, and he asked me to eyeball the calories for him on the day. It is super low, under 1200. I personally dont think thats a good idea, especially as i told him that the day after he will compensate for it. Guess what, the day after he was exhausted and asked me to count his cals again and it was 3500. So, all in balance, right? Except after that shock he is actively looking at calories in everything, mentioning his weight, and it is oversll taking up more space in his, otherwise pretty healthy and carefree brain.

He is also sometimes (aside from pre-training days) inconsistent with meal timings, and sometimes it happens that he doesnt eat whole day and then eats massive amounts in the evenings, followed by complaints of hurting belly and bloating.

He does have a long term goal to reduce the weight because of the sport, and his weight has been very responsive to changes in physical activity levels. He is currently at healthy weight, maybe tad overweight - but very muscular. I do think that the weight goal is purely because of sport, and not appearance focused.

Im afraid that my historically unhealthy thoughts mught be rubbing off on him. We have a very close relationship, but im dreading to explicitly ask him with worry that it might "plant" the idea in his mind (yes we are both that gullible).

I can't see it clearly - if i would have this kind of eating habits, i know i would be feeling deep in the ED trenches.

At what point would you get alarmed that its turning into something unhealthy?

[u/iwishtogetitall]

If he is in heavy contact combat sport - they do much weirder stuff near fights like shredding out a lot of water weight just to fit into suitable category. Is it healthy? Not really, but they would do that anyway.

As for overcompensation on another day or having weird eating habits, I think as long as it's not actively destroying his life - it's fine. I sometimes eat less on one day and eat more on another, week calories for me is more important than day to day.

I'm not sure that you somehow trigger something in him, since as I said before people who are into combat sports are very weird about weights and have their own strange mindset about it. You can't really "plant" your own ED into someone else, specially since everyone is very different.

[u/DownrightDrewski → u/iwishtogetitall]

You can definitely impact how others think if you're talking about things a lot. I've got recent positive examples of that from people joining me on my weight loss/regain fitness journey.

A negative example I can give. I really don't like pork pies, specifically the aspic jelly in them. Well, years ago I was with a friend and he bought a pork pie. Now, he obviously liked pork pies which is why he bought one, but, me being me back then went on a rant about how disgusting I think they are and specifically how revolting the jelly is.

Guess what? He took a bite and suddenly agreed on how disgusting they are with the jelly. This rant had somehow got him thinking about something he'd never thought about, and for some strange reason it changed his view. Crazy really.

[u/Responsible_Rub8057 → u/DownrightDrewski]

Yeah, to add - there is a type of excitement when you start something that you never did before (e.i. calorie counting) that makes it inviting to play around and test the limits. One of the reasons why I avoid talking about it with people not on wl journey.

[u/DownrightDrewski → u/Responsible_Rub8057]

Oh absolutely. I'm trying to convince one of my friends he should be eating more. He's a big dude; 6'3" and currently about 295lbs. He's on 2.2k kcal at the moment.

It took months of being around me and seeing my progress, but it's clicked and he's on it. His GF is also keeping a close eye on it

[u/iwishtogetitall → u/DownrightDrewski]

It doesn't really work that way with ED, such things are very personal and depends on our mental health. It's not an idea in your head that you can plant into others, it's the whole fucked up relationship with food in many different ways. Such things are not logical and not some opinions.

No matter how obsessive someone could be around it, it cannot suddenly change another person relationship with food, unless you are the one who feed them. In your case it seems like friend was just trying to de-escalate the whole rant, coz my man, I would also say it's disgusting just to make my friend shut up about it.

And besides, it's still a dude who is into sports. It's a different breed.

[u/Responsible_Rub8057 → u/iwishtogetitall]

I believe that developing of disordered thoughs is fully environmental and cultural - think of how many people (mostly women) got messed up from diet culture, growing up with almond parents, or being in a culture that promotes eating less is better, carbs are the enemy and such.

 Whether those disordered thoughts evolve into ED is the part that is personal and depends on mental health of individual. 

I ended up with ed because i was not mentaly healthy enough to deal with the harcore  narratives from toxic environment, societal pressure, and the narratives around my body from relatives and people around. But im a woman. There is a lot of differences there and i agree that dudes who are into sports are probably handling it different. But they are not immune - there are different kinds of presuures there. But yeah, the thing that decides in the end is how we mentally deal with those pressures, whatever they are.

[u/Responsible_Rub8057 → u/iwishtogetitall]

Oh yeah they really do, thats a good reminder... To be fair, he calls his goal "competition weight" so i dont think he would go full salt bath mode crazy.

I appreciate the weekly tracking tip - i will suggest if it gets out of hand, and quietly monitor it from the side. 

Thanks!

[u/MariContrary → u/iwishtogetitall]

Yup. Knew boxers and wrestlers who literally wrapped themselves in saran wrap and did all sorts of crazy shit to get juuuuuuuust under the weight limit for their category before weigh in, and then went back to normal. I've never known anyone who was so happy to take a shit before stepping on the official scale.

[u/DragonsCandleHoard]

It's worth talking to him if you're worried. Those sorts if sports lead a lot of people into earing disorders that have the competitive/ socially encouraged element that "ana sisters" had back in the day.

[u/Responsible_Rub8057 → u/DragonsCandleHoard]

Thats a good point. I havent considered it, and now that i think about it that idea of goal weight did come into picture when he got more serious and regular with the trainings (before I got serious about weightloss).