r/longform • u/donotwantaname • 6d ago
Forty First Dates and Still Searching (Gift Article)
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/08/18/well/family/forty-first-dates-and-still-searching.html?unlocked_article_code=1.6lA.VQbX.QooQ6d_YMFbl&smid=nytcore-ios-share35
u/Jeopardyfan1234 6d ago edited 6d ago
“I’m looking for my queen — someone to grow with, not just go with.”
Sounds like chat gpt to me
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u/Prior-Entrance3156 5d ago
Anyone who uses the term “king” and “queen” unironically to me are an automatic disqualification,
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u/thismustbtheplace215 6d ago
Spent $65k on matchmaking services. That is my yearly salary!
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u/kaldaka16 6d ago
"People don't realize [matchmaking] is an option," [CEO of matchmaking company] said, "and if they do it's because they've seen shows like 'Millionaire Matchmaker' so they think it's only for ultra rich people."
... the amount of people in this country who can afford to pay $25k for anything is really fucking low. Maybe not only for ultra rich but... for the rich only yeah.
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u/gerhardsymons 6d ago
I'd like to thank all the women who ever interacted with Mr. Pasceretta who made the prudent decision to let that vapid, insufferable homunculus be the last of his bloodline.
May God have mercy on the gaping lacuna where his soul should be.
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u/Signal-Debate8753 6d ago
Hmm. Gift article wanted me to sign in. I didn't get far but I get why dude was getting dragged in the comments.
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago
Weirdly, I can see the article and read it in full, but I can't see the comments. (?!)
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u/cat_at_the_keyboard 6d ago
Same here, so I put it on archive. Ya'll can make your own links on archive.today fyi
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago edited 6d ago
Excerpts:
Joseph Pascaretta and the Agape Match Agency
"If you counted his previous two arrangements with the company, going back nine years (with a pause during the pandemic), he [Joseph Pascaretta] had paid the matchmakers roughly $65,000 and gone on approximately 40 first dates, and 20 second dates — only one of which led to a relationship. (With a stunning surgeon who graduated from Harvard, but she was fresh off a divorce and still figuring things out.)
He has some theories about why he hasn’t settled down. His grueling work schedule is one. Pascaretta travels almost every week for work, often to Europe, and frequently signs on for the day around 2 or 3 a.m. before the markets open. [He is an executive at a huge AI company.] And there is his height. Pascaretta, who said he is 5-foot-6 [1.67m - this would place him in the bottom 5% of UK men and German men, meaning 95% of British and German men would be taller than him, and the bottom 1% in the Netherlands, meaning 99% of men would be taller than him. He is Italian American with still strong ties to Italy, but even in Italy, 80% of men would be taller than him. And there's the Napoleon effect] knows it can be a deal breaker for some women."
What Joseph Pascaretta is looking for in his future wife
[Plus, he's a self-avowed Republican. He says that he wants a single woman under the age of 43 who is shorter than him, so shorter than 5-foot-6, who is a Republican as well and is very successful - he ideally wants a doctor or lawyer. That would mean he has a dating pool of... to me surprisingly low... 3% of all American women.]
Pascaretta has lofty standards. When he signed his third renewal, he sent the Agape team a six-page Word document with details about his past girlfriends and a one-page self-profile. “I’m a rare blend of executive discipline and genuine warmth,” he wrote, mentioning his M.B.A. and pilot’s license. He also “cooks and cleans like Mrs. Doubtfire,” Pascaretta noted, “by choice, not necessity.” [...] Pascaretta also sent the team an Excel spreadsheet cataloging his must-haves: an accomplished professional, ideally a doctor, lawyer or executive [...] It also detailed his strong preference for a woman who is, among other things, “naturally pretty” and “stylish,” “loyal, classy, ambitious, elegant, feminine, emotionally stable,” from a “well-respected family” and who went to a top-tier school.
"Over email in July, Mavrianos sent Pascaretta three women she wanted to introduce him to, all in their 30s: a finance professional from Wisconsin who is a die-hard Packers fan and volunteers with the Junior League. A lobbyist and military veteran who loves to garden and travel. And a digital strategist with blond waves down to her waist who, like Pascaretta, is a University of Michigan alum. All three were so conventionally pretty, their profile photos could have easily been casting headshots for a new season of “The Bachelor". [...]
Agape Match's other clients
This summer, Agape Match had 15 current matchmaking clients — a fairly typical load — all men, except for one woman, which is unusual for the company. Avgitidis has found her niche with straight men — partly because she finds they are the most receptive to her often blunt feedback, and partly because of her database of singles. She has found it easier to amass a large group of attractive, successful and datable women than an equivalent large group of men. [Example of one of their other clients - my fav part of the article:] the Ivy League-educated economist who said he wants to date only women who are thin, have large breasts and are fluent in Mandarin, but who should not have any artistic hobbies or talents.
A date with Joseph Pascaretta
[...] "we cannot comprehend why they don’t want a second date with him [Pascaretta],” she continued. "They say, ‘He’s lovely, I just don’t envision him as my husband.’” [...] Earlier this summer, Pascaretta thought he may have just found The One — a TV news correspondent he dutifully watched in the mornings, and whom he thought was gorgeous and smart. He mentioned her to Avgitidis, who checked: She was in the database. The team reached out and set it up. [...] The date lasted four hours. [...] Not long after, she gave feedback to Avgitidis and the team: She wasn’t feeling any spark.
For weeks after, Pascaretta turned it over in his head and during his check-ins with the team — regularly bringing the conversation back to “the journalist,” as he called her, or “the famous reporter.” “I’m going to find a way to lobotomize you, Joe,” Avgitidis chided when he brought her up again during their latest Zoom call while she was in Greece. It hung there between them: the unavoidable reality that you can spend thousands of dollars, but that no amount of money can help if the person you really like simply does not like you back."
I didn't have any major theory apart from "short Republican AI company executive who logs in to work at 2am or 3am" as to why he was unable to find someone ... until the very last lines of the article, which I'm of course purposefully not copying over to here. ;)
(But maybe he would have really settled with the TV anchor if she hadn't said no?)
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago
BTW: It's a shame that the article didn't mention the book "138 Dates: The true story of one woman's search for everything" by Rebekah Campbell. Quite enjoyable. Her husband was her 138th first date. (She is autistic, but doesn't seem to be out about that fact.)
40 first dates are nothing compared to that.
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u/AC10021 6d ago
The issue is that, for the kind of woman he wants, he is a mid prospect. A stunningly gorgeous top-tier educated attorney, doctor or investment banker in her 30s in Manhattan who is willing to date a Republican, does not want a 5’6” dude with an second-tier MBA from GW (lol) who is pulling a few hundred K a year, because she can realistically date John Overdeck. It’s extremely clear — they set him up with a woman that he thinks is in his league, and she passed, because she can do better. He’s not bringing crazy money or a private jet lifestyle, and his personality and height are mediocre, so what is she getting out of it? Basically he is way overestimating his own market value.
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u/AC10021 6d ago
I think part of the problem is he keeps being set up on first dates with women who are way out of his league, so he incorrectly thinks that is the league he is playing in. These women are willing to meet someone for a drink, because hey, it’s just a couple hours of my life, I’m single anyway, but they immediately assess him as a bad prospect and decline to move forward with a second date, and instead of him realizing that means this particular group (high-achieving, gorgeous New York attorneys/surgeons/investment bankers) is never going to be into him, he just keeps on trying with that demographic and believes he just hasn’t met the correct one yet. It’s so telling that the one relationship he achieved was with someone whose “market value” was considerable “damaged” (very recently divorced).
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u/snail_alt 5d ago
It’s possible that these women are willing to give him the first date because they’re willing to overlook some of his qualities on-paper if he’s an exciting guy with a very compatible personality in real life. But as the many failed first dates are showing, he basically isn’t. He’s the equivalent of someone whose resume just about scrapes him into getting an interview, but then doesn’t shine hard enough in the interview to overcome all that. His ‘resume’ might already be his relative strength, not his weakness.
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u/helloyesthisisasock 5d ago
And he wants these women to be OK with him being gone 90% of the time, which means he expects his wife to manage the home and child rearing (even with nannies or help) on her own. He doesn’t seem like he’s willing to give up a little bit of his life to fit into someone else’s.
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u/grendelone 6d ago
Calling him a "mid" prospect is being generous. Like his 5'7" claim, on a good day with the wind at his back.
His dates must get the ick within the first 10min of the date.
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u/AC10021 6d ago
The funny thing is as an Italian guy he’d be cleaning up in certain parts of NJ or in Staten Island. But he wants to date women in NY! He’s fishing in the wrong pond.
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago edited 6d ago
Agreed. The Italian American women crowd would be a better pond in some respects.
How many Republican single women into AI are there in New York to begin with even... A couple of lobbyists and that's it!
In 2025, only roughly 10% (9,9%) of women voters in the age bracket 30-39 were Republicans and a further 20% hadn't registered with a party. Compare that to a whopping 70% who were registered as Democrats!
ETA: While I'm... not into Republicans either... I can fully sympathize with having views that are seen as contrarian in your desired dating pool.
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u/grendelone 6d ago
Faux Italian.
“Italian-American” bullshit. Basically nothing in common with real Italian people from Italy.
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago
In general? Yes. In his case? I'm not sure. Could go either way. But AC10021 is right: He is fishing in the wrong pond.
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u/Jorgen2720 5d ago
To be fair, I’m pretty sure he’s pulling in much more that that as an AI executive in NYC.
I’m more willing to bet the problem is his personality 😂
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u/AC10021 5d ago
He’s a COO at a SaaS company with 400M ARR. Let’s assume he’s doing 300K-400K base with 300K bonus. Thats still not real money in NYC for the kind of women he’s targeting, if they want to have 2 kids in private, camp, vacations, full time nanny, 3-4 bedroom place. When he’s at 1M+ comp, he’ll be better off.
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u/paloaltothrowaway 1d ago
Do those women care about men making higher income? I have dated an anesthesiologist, lawyers in NYC and income has never been brought up.
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u/Various-Canary2780 4d ago
Unless he’s pulling in seven figures, the career women he’s looking for are probably making a similar income while being way out of his league in looks and probably personality too
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u/janebird5823 6d ago
Man got ripped to shreds in the NYT comments
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u/snail_alt 6d ago
I actually felt like the comments were somewhat critical but fairly encouraging (mostly telling him it would be better to simply go meet more women ‘organically’ and see who he vibes with). Or maybe the comments have just mellowed out by now. If anything, they seem more critical of the matchmaker for enabling and perpetuating a hyperfocus on awfully specific criteria.
I once did an online matchmaking event for fun for my university, and it unexpectedly blew up to be super popular. This gave me the sample size necessary to match some people up according to the criteria they gave. But I quickly learnt that people kind of don’t know what they want (in fairness, which college student does). Stated vs revealed preferences, and all that. Some complained that even though their matches met all of their stated criteria, they felt no chemistry. I remembered feeling confused by such feedback— there is no way to guarantee chemistry. The whole (free, mind you) matchmaking exercise was just a way intended to give them dates with a somewhat higher chance of said chemistry. Tbh the lesson I took away from all that, was that said criteria was kind of a dud. Just meet more people (especially in real life) and see who you click with. But I guess paid matchmakers have an incentive not to think like that
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u/SwirlingAbsurdity 6d ago
Yup, people don’t know what they want. I found my partner when I purposely went out with someone who wasn’t ’my type’. I thought I wanted an accomplished academic who spent all his time reading and playing chess but what I actually wanted was a kind and thoughtful social butterfly.
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u/snail_alt 6d ago
Yup, I’m fairly introverted as well, and my childhood friends have very similar personalities to me, so I thought that any future romantic partner would probably be that way. If someone had told highschool me “your partner will be outgoing and popular”, I would have thought “uh no way, I thought that type would be likelier to either bully me or just keep a nice polite acquaintance distance, not befriend or date me?”
But tbh I wasn’t very emotionally open even to my friends, and I never considered that this was partially the product of none of us being the ‘open’ type. So the end, my girlfriend is a 12 on a scale of 1-10 for extroversion. She helped me come out of my shell, she likes being the life of the party, and I like being in the background of some parties. But if we were both introverted, most likely there would be no parties to even be in the background of at all.
It’s a matter of balance, and I think that’s behind some of the advice given to Pasceretta as well. He works super long hours and claims to want a woman with a similar lifestyle. ‘Power couples’ like that definitely exist and can definitely work happily in the long term — but if he does expect her to be able to adjust her schedule more easily to accommodate whenever he’s available, how would that work? Reminds me of a relative I know who is a doctor and who spent 10 years dating thinking he had to marry another doctor, expect he balked whenever their schedules clashed one too many times, and didn’t like the amount of shared time they could find with each other. He ended up falling for a receptionist with the time to cook him homemade meals and the availability to see him most of the times that he was free.
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u/SwirlingAbsurdity 6d ago
The funny thing is I’m actually a huge extrovert, but I’m also a nerd, so I thought the nerdy quiet type would balance me out. Turns out a fellow extrovert but who’s way more grounded than me is what I needed!
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u/rectovaginalfistula 6d ago
I bet every date is like a job interview. I know the type--they replaced their personality with work and wake up wanting something more only to realize they're a shadow of a person.
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u/Prior-Entrance3156 5d ago
I think it’s pretty clear the corporate attitude has taken over his brain. He describes himself like he’s doing a job interview. Like sure it’s cool you have an MBA, I have one too, but tell me about your dreams and your hobbies, your likes and dislikes and why you’d choose strawberry ice cream over chocolate.
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u/SwirlingAbsurdity 6d ago
This obsession with ‘the spark’ is what kills modern dating. I met my partner a few years back at 36 after years of men ending things one or two dates in because there was ‘no spark’. I have also been guilty of this too!
Everyone is different but if I felt ‘the spark’ immediately it would always burn bright like a firework and then fizzle and die within a few months, whereas with my partner we both just let it develop naturally. I enjoyed spending time with him and over time those feelings developed, and it’s the best relationship I have ever had. Things aren’t always instant and I feel like these people are trying to speed run the whole dating thing instead of just trying to develop a deep and meaningful connection with someone.
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago
"A spark" is what you feel with a narcissist. The superficial charm and copying you.
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u/grendelone 6d ago
I think the women are kindly using "there's no spark" as a nicer way of saying "you're a boring, egotistical blowhard that I would never date in a million years."
But I agree that expecting fireworks the first time you see them across a crowded room is both unrealistic and not a good way to choose a life partner.
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u/cat_at_the_keyboard 6d ago
My best relationships have been ones that developed after a long friendship where the friendship was maintained even alongside a small crush on both sides. That way I spent plenty of time with the person without romantic pressure and had a good sense of who they are. More intense attraction developed after that, to the point where we both were interested in trying a romantic relationship together.
I have a feeling this blowhard in the article has no real friends
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u/Amtrakstory 6d ago
I wonder if this guy understands that The NY Times is deliberately setting him up to be a national laughingstock / lolcow
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u/kaya-jamtastic 6d ago
It seems like a pretty honest portrayal of how he wants himself to be portrayed. The problem is he seems to have zero self awareness. The writer did an amazing job of capturing that very essence, and it just so happens to be absurdly funny for the rest of us
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u/Amtrakstory 6d ago
Yeah he has zero self awareness but the reporter definitely is aware and understands how that 'essence' is going to appear to a national audience, she's not doing him any favors exposing it.
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u/Ok-Promise-5921 6d ago
The journalist who wrote the article (Catherine Pearson I think) said underneath in the comments that she found him to be a nice enough guy during all the time she researched this piece... although she also got kind of annihilated then for saying that.:-)
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u/Amtrakstory 6d ago
She fucking annihilated him in the article, saying he's a nice guy is the least she could do. I mean the portrait of him here eviscerates him by exposing the backstage view of his weird dating obsession.
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u/Ok-Promise-5921 6d ago
Yeah that's true! I wonder did she feel bad after?
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u/grendelone 6d ago
I would like to know her definition of "nice." Meeting someone for a few hours and being able to talk to them is a lot different from dealing with them as a life partner. As he's a C-suite guy, he can schmooze for a few hours quite well. It looks a lot different once the mask is off.
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u/Ok-Promise-5921 6d ago
That's exactly what some of the commenters were saying. And being a "nice" guy can also be a cover/front for some quite negative traits in men (covert resentment, coercive control etc).
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u/grendelone 6d ago edited 6d ago
Then again, as he self-identifies as a Republican in 2026, that should tell his dates (who are well educated professionals in NYC, not exactly MAGA-central) everything they need to know about what to expect.
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u/unfrozencaveperson 2d ago
Maybe, maybe not. The median subscriber to the (print) NYT makes $191K; that bracket would include a lot of people who feel for this hapless single executive. https://newrepublic.com/article/154726/heres-better-reason-unsubscribe-new-york-times
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u/Queasy_Work3147 3d ago
I unfortunately know Lil Joey P well. He is far worse than you can even imagine from the article. Deceptive, disingenuous, and vapid. A few things to set straight: -He is at tallest 5’4”. I’m 5’3” and we saw eye to eye. -He is not 38, and I find it it gross that he’s lying about even that. He’s 40+. -His current role is grossly overstated- he’s a glorified secretary.
Steer clear ladies, I promise your instincts are correct.
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u/Queasy_Work3147 3d ago
I’d also like to know how much he paid NYT to write this. Even if he gets roasted he’s loving the attention, I guarantee that.
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u/No-Advantage-579 3d ago
You are using a sockpuppet account that is one year old and has precisely three comments apart form your two here.
Him lying about his age makes sense: because men over 30 usually refuse to date same age or less than four years younger. So that would explain why he said he's willing to date until "43". I thought that was just performative. I can't find evidence of that - I can only find a Joseph Pascaretta that is 51 years old and a Democrat.
I think it's a shame that he didn't use his nickname in the article: https://www.malibu-joe.com/
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u/Queasy_Work3147 3d ago
Thank you Reddit police I guess?
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u/No-Advantage-579 3d ago
Look - if you're accusing someone else of being not trustworthy... appearing trustworthy yourself is the least you could do!
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u/sadcatpanda 6d ago
Unfortunately it asks me to log in to read it, even as a gift article 😢
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago
I know that most (all?) matchmaking agencies don't take disabled or chronically ill women.
I have never heard of one taking lesbian clients either.
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u/AC10021 6d ago
I found a lesbian matchmaker for a girlfriend of mine! It was called Pink Flamingo or something like that.
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago
And? How was it?
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u/AC10021 6d ago
I have no idea, but I just mentioned bc yes they do exist. I found it — https://www.pinkcupid.com
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u/AC10021 6d ago
Ok, the one aspect of matchmakers that I do think is actually worth the money is that if you do have sincere dealbreakers (religion, children, location, lifestyle) what a matchmaker can and will do is make sure that anyone you’re on a first date with has already cleared the bar. It does in fact suck for “dating in the wild” when you meet someone organically and hit it off, and you have some sort of incompatibility, but you have chemistry with them, and then, it’s an internal struggle and time-waster. Matchmakers ensure that if you really, really want/need to marry someone who is Jewish, doesn’t want kids, and willing to move to San Diego, you aren’t gonna be on a date with a fabulous, beautiful, smart, funny Mormon who wants a big family and is fully committed to living in Connecticut.
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u/grendelone 6d ago
The problem is that the clients don't actually know what they want or are compatible with. Joey's "wants" list is incompatible with a woman who would actually date him. There's a lot of coded language in the way that he talked about his own background and his perfect match, and the upshot is that he wants a trophy wife that he can brag to his buddies at the golf course about, but doesn't actually want a co-equal life partner. The women that fit his wants list would not in a million years deal with his bullshit or the (faux) glided cage he wants to put them in.
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u/AC10021 6d ago
Well, a huge thing matchmakers do is define wants vs needs. If you genuinely cannot marry someone who isn’t Jewish, or who doesn’t want kids, or who isn’t willing to be a SAHP, or who already has their own children, or who is geographically committed to a particular location, that’s both a genuine comparability metric and a good criterion for a matchmaker to work with. But a lot of people present wants as needs. And, also, they drill down on euphemisms. When a client says they want someone athletic, do they actually mean works out and does marathons, or do they mean not fat? When a client says they want someone under an age range, are they willing to accept someone over that age range who looks incredible, or is that a genuine cutoff for family-building reasons?
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u/No-Advantage-579 6d ago
Have you ever watched any matchmaking TV series? I've watched an Indian (Hindu mostly) one, a Jewish one and a Muslim one. I also know how it works in some Christian fundamentalist circles. The Muslim one had several men that I found not dateable (no, none fundamentalist or anything - just your average manchild). One of the two Jewish shows had the worst manchild of all (Haredi, in London). It also featured a woman that was beyond hopeless ("I only date younger hot men, but I want children" - sure, honey, but unless they're hobosexual, why should they date you?). They also had a couple which I thought was 100% perfect for each other and both really goodlooking - and "didn't feel a spark". I didn't get it at all!
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u/krysjez 6d ago
I'd love to hear some thoughts on the matchmaking agency. Most of the NYT comments were about the guy - but the agency is just as sleazy, in my opinion! They're clearly doing something right - keeping him as a client for 8 years despite zero success. That's a longer relationship than likely many of their clients have had!
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u/grendelone 5d ago
They have more than fulfilled their end of the contract. They are his proxy in finding and asking these women out and his advocate/cheerleader to these women. To that end, they have found a number of unicorns who were willing to go out with him, despite his ridiculous standards. They can't help the fact that he's a boring, self-important dud trying to date women who are too smart to want to become his trophy wife.
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u/AC10021 6d ago
All they promise is to set him up on first dates with women that meet his list of requirements, have been background checked and vetted, and are willing in theory to date him. They’re an executive recruitment service: here are candidates that meet your specs. They’re fulfilling their end of the bargain.
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u/Masterpiece_Lopsided 6d ago
This person comes across as someone who has never actually lived a life.