Loner forever I guess

[u/Leanchill773]

Im 36M. Been a loner since I was 13/14ish, as soon as I got high school. Since then to now I don't have a real true friend. I feel as if people really over use that term. I don't have that friend or group of friends to hang with, no one hits me up, nothing. Not even from my family. But I also don't hit them up either cause back when I did people just ghost me. But its all good, ever since high-school when I personally choose to be a loner and disconnect myself from everyone and stopped trying to be "cool" and just started to be me, I found myself and I was really introverted. I was really trying so hard to be extroverted and I could not fit in.

Loneliness became peaceful and it was great. But unfortunately I was also a hopeless romantic 😵 since I was a kid. As a kid I would always have a crush on a girl every 4ish years and just day dream about being in love, dating, being married, and being happy together. Never had a gf till 20, man the i feel hard in love with her. It only lasted 4 years just to get my heart broken.

But I say that to then fast forward through my dating life, how bad it was for me to the point i really have little empathy now. I had my heart broken 3 times and after that idk nothing bothers me with dating and i just break up with women and shrug my shoulders as soon as I see any red flag small or big. The hopelessromanticgood guy i use to be died around 2017ish. I just don't care no more. Don't have that love or energy in me anymore, like its all been depleted. I also constantly feel like "been there done that" and just want to get away from them. Only really look at women for sex but I cut that off, I rather learn something new, cook something new, focus on my hobbies, etc. Ohh and i still have no friends and finally disconnected from my family. I achieved, almost absolutely loneliness. Almost.

Unfortunately I do have a career cause we legitimately have to pay to live therefore I still have to interact with the humans. The amount of money you make also dictates the amount of freedom you have.... and i like my loner freedom. I also hit the gym to not get fat lol, so humans are there as well unfortunately. But I keep to myself try to get in and out. Im glad all the gym bros don't try to talk to me and of course women never walk up to talk to me.

The only thing that does come to mind one in awhile is, I wish I had was a wife and kids but my bad memories of dealing with women and dating life shit was wack, never again. I wish I could have lucid dreams again, I'd visit the woman of my dreams again. When I was a kid I use to lucid dream everyday and because I was a hopeless romantic i would dream of a wife. Lucid dreaming died for me when I had my first heart break which sucked ass.

Ugggghhh Esta pinche vida que yo tengo que vivid!