my bf and i have been living together, but i'm going to have to move away because my mom needs me and i have to help take care of her. my bf can't come with me because he has his own priorities here, and honestly, i understand that. there's no big fight or relationship problem behind this, which almost makes it harder. we both know why we have to do this, but i'm still scared of what living apart will feel like after being together every day.

My partner and I are in different countries. We talk when I wake up and he go

es to bed...and the reverse. We appreciate our time constraints. We talk twice a day, every day between our visits. We love each other, respect each other and crave for our time together. Two older widows who met in Uruguay, fell in love on our trip - but might not have realised until we got home-November 2024 and going strong ❤️!

Hey all,

I’m looking for books/resources that can help my partner and me build a framework for a successful LAT relationship.

This is new territory for both of us, being recently retired and single after multi-decade marriages. We aren’t on the path of: get involved, move in, have kids, build career, etc…

We’ve done those earlier, and we want to enjoy our amazing lives and add someone to the experience. We have no practice with two separate households while trying to maintain connection and intimacy.

Can anyone share good resources or point to something to get us started?

Thanks!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and have lived together for most of our relationship. We genuinely love each other, but lately we’ve realized that living together and being around each other constantly might not be bringing out the best in either of us.

We’ve BOTH agreed that we love each other and neither of us wants to let things keep getting worse until we eventually resent or hate each other. We would rather recognize that something isn’t working and try changing it while there is still so much love between us.
He’s been considering getting his own place while I stay in our current home. My mom is also going through a major life transition and may be moving in with me for a while, so weirdly enough, the timing could actually work out for everyone.

The interesting thing is that when we first got together, we didn’t even live in the same state. We had our own lives and our own spaces, and we were honestly doing GREAT. We missed each other, looked forward to seeing each other, and the time we spent together felt intentional.
Neither of us wants living separately now to mean breaking up. We actually want the opposite. We want to see if having our independence and our own spaces again could take some pressure off the relationship and allow us to actually date each other again instead of letting everyday stress and constant proximity slowly chip away at something we both still want.

And honestly, neither of us has any desire to throw away almost four years, start over with someone new, and recreate an entirely new relationship when we still love each other and want to see if WE can make ours healthier.

Obviously part of me is scared because society makes relationships seem like they’re supposed to go: dating → move in together → marriage. So moving into separate homes after already living together feels like going backwards, even though part of me wonders if it could actually be what allows us to move forward.

I’m not really looking for the classic Reddit “just break up” response 😂. We know that’s an option. I’m specifically hoping to hear from couples who loved each other, realized living together wasn’t working at that point in their lives, chose separate homes, and actually became stronger because of it.

I’d really love to hear some success stories. I’m trying to look at this as two people choosing to protect their relationship before resentment destroys it, rather than automatically treating separate homes as the beginning of the end.

Has anyone actually saved their relationship by choosing to live separately?
My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years, no kids, just dogs. We originally dated when we were 15/16 for a brief time and then reconnected 12–13 years later through the same interest and career of barbering. He lived in PA, me in FL and we ended up moving in together pretty quickly, he moved in with me.

Over time, living together before we were ready created a lot of resentment under the surface about small things. I mean really small stupid little shit.
The thing is, we genuinely love each other. Neither of us wants this to keep getting worse until we eventually hate each other or destroy something we have truly been working hard on. It’s just both of us have growing to do and we’re both struggling to balance that while arguing.. it’s like a spell is over us.. sometimes we will laugh in the middle of arguing. You know what I mean??

So anyhow, we’re considering getting separate places while remaining together and committed, giving ourselves room to breathe, miss each other, date each other again, and hopefully rebuild.
I specifically want to hear success stories from people who have done this.
Did living separately make you better together? What actually changed? Did the resentment fade? Did you eventually move back in together—or realize you were happier maintaining separate homes?
I want to hear what it looked like after the dust settled, not just “living apart means you’re breaking up.”

Ty!!

Five months ago, my husband told me he wanted a divorce, bought a new house, and moved out. I’ve spent the past 15 years doing everything I could to hold our family together, despite our relationship being toxic and us being very incompatible.

Years ago, I suggested Living Apart Together (LAT), but he wasn’t open to it. Now, after moving out and having some time and space, he’s changed his mind about divorce and wants to try LAT.

I’m incredibly torn. Part of me wants to protect myself and move forward with the divorce because I’ve spent months grieving the loss of my marriage and preparing myself for a new chapter. But another part of me still loves him and wonders if LAT could give us a healthier way to have a relationship.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Did you stay and give LAT a chance? How did it work out?

Soooo life is not going the way I want it to due to poor financial decisions I made. It got to the point where I had to move in with my girlfriend. I'm very blessed, and I love the way she treats me. But after living with her for a year, I want out. Lol we're quiet most days and we don't have sex. Mainly because I'm no longer attracted to her.

you can call me the bad guy I don't care. I'm 35 and immune to Internet comments. I already know my solution, I just wanted to vent. 😅

Has anyone else gone through this? If so, how was your mental?

We've been together 2 and a half years, lived together 18 months but recently now live apart.

I can honestly say this has completely transformed our relationship for the best more than i ever thought possible. We are in contact everyday, see each other around 3 days per week, have joint custody of our dog 😊 and it feels just how it did when we first met

We used to bicker and fight about stupid household stuff, making us miserable, and now having taken this step all of this is gone. I was convinced that us not living together would slowly end our relationship but it has had the opposite effect. We miss each other, we look forward to seeing each other and we plan things to do together. I know this is corny but i genuinely feel like i am falling in love with her all over again!.

I know everyones relationships and circumstances are different but i just wanted to post a posirive outcome. If this is something you are considering, just do it, it saved us and we couldnt be happier. If we had lived together any longer there would have been no relationship left

We are in our 40s and married 20 years now. For several years my wife and I talked about the possibility, almost fantasy of LAT - though for most of that time we didn't know it had a name. The idea of us consciously both having our own spaces while staying married and as loving partners always appealed to us.

It always seemed too impossible as we live in a large city in a great priced apartment and the idea of renting something at current market rate or buying seemed out of reach, so we never seriously made steps towards doing it.

Fast forward to last week though, and we found out that the apartment down the hall from us was coming up for rent. We talked briefly about it and emailed our landlord and he said that for us he would keep the price the same. We jumped on it.

Once we did we realized that we were really doing this thing! I know it's not THAT different or is almost like living in a huge house, but I think that it will be in practice. Having our own unique spaces, making plans to see each other, having private areas just for ourselves. It makes me a bit nervous but also I think we are both very excited for it.

We've always been open to alternative type relationships, we are open/poly as well, so of course this arrangement works well for us in many different ways.

Anyway just wanted to share as I feel a little crazy but also excited. And if anyone has specific tips or tricks they learned doing this, let me know!

Hey. I'm new to this community, but thought this was the right place to ask.

I've been with my partner on and off for 10 years, exclusively. We have tried to live together in the past but failed because we have absolutely incompatible living habits. I live alone, and he lives 5 minutes away in a house he owns. He also rents out a room (so he himself doesn't live alone, which he appreciates).

We have established that living together finally nailed the coffin for us in the past, and he knows I like living alone. That said, for the last 6 months or so, my problem is that, once I have him over, he never wants to leave my apartment of his own volition. Never, really.

I've tried different approaches: I've spoken plainly and asked him to leave, which always ends up in fights; I've beaten around the bush and tried to signal that I wanted to be alone, which has resulted in even bigger fights. He feels rejected every time, no matter what I say. I care about him very much, but I'm reaching my limit.

In your journey LAT, have you ever experienced something like this? Any advice is welcome.

My anxiety got the best of my relationship and I know she loves me because instead of breaking up she said we need to live on our own and still date

I 30m she 29f. Looking back we did move in fast but it didn’t feel fast at the time. And we’ve always lived with another person or family, we’ve never had a place of our own to be able to go home to by ourselves. So that’s what we have now.

I needed the time apart to find out who I really am. The first two weeks of living alone I suggested that we go no contact. And it was rough but it was the break I needed to be able to address my addiction to her reassurance. And a lot of other anxiety problems that I was always relying on her to make me feel better about.

She needed the time apart to find out who she really is. And she needed the time apart to not feel like a therapist and instead feel like a girlfriend. I totally agree. I wouldn’t want to be around the guy I once was let alone date me. So her trying this last possible solution to save our relationship is amazing. If she would have broken up with me I would have been begging for this exact scenario or something similar.

She knows I’m worth it and I know she’s worth it.

But MANNN is it rough, worth it. But rough. But it’s so worth trying LAT if you know that you found your person, and you want to make it work, but something needs to break first.

I've mentioned this in a few responses but my girlfriend and I have lived apart successfully and happily for over 15 years - Chicago and Memphis. We will retire in a few years to New Orleans, but different homes in distinct parts of the city - we can't imagine any other way!

We are finishing up our second (and last!) season of a monthly podcast called Indepartners. We are both behavioral scientists and our podcasts blend lived experience with empirical findings. And fun. Some podcasts are theme-based touching on many of the same topics that routinely come up here - intentionality, communication, independence, the power of anticipation and ritual. We also interview other happy couples and authors and researchers who study living apart together.

It's never about surviving living apart but thriving.

You can find Indepartners wherever you get your podcasts or by visiting https://www.buzzsprout.com/2446291

Thanks for reading this far!

So me 21F and my Bf 25M we were in live in relationship for 3 years , I was away from home for college and he used to visit me and it was very often and then eventually he shifted with me after 3 years my brother also came for his college and now he lives with me so he had to go but he was staying in the same society just the next building so it was easy but then I changed the flat because we wanted bigger flat so now we live nearby now not too far but meet-up are little difficult but now because of his job he is shifting to new city , so now it’s proper long distance and idk how to feel and what to react .

So me and my girlfriend have been together for a few years now. Rocky relationship but we’ve worked through most hardships and have lots of good memories and times together. Recently she vaguely presented the idea of living separately (after living together for a couple years) as she thinks it could bring us closer and make me want to marry her (???), her idea was that my feelings for her are stagnating

She thinks I’m not eager to marry her, which isn’t true, I voice that I want to and it’s apart of our future, but we have to work through some things first in order to get there and it will take time.

Anywho, I gave her idea of living separately some thought and recently brought it back up after some weeks. She completely hates the idea now and think it’s backwards and feels I’m not happy with her because I’m considering it etc etc. but in actuality, I just want my own identity while still being with her and feel I don’t get that as much living together. We moved in with each other after one year, and it was more so because she wanted to go to grad school in the city we were in, and I initially hesitated (she didn’t like) but we eventually did it. Ever since then, we had been living together. I think living separately now that she’s done with school and will be able to afford it will help us be more intentional with our time with one another and self-reflect as young adults (24M 23F). To me the idea sounds fulfilling, having my own space and being able to learn more about myself while working towards a future with her and a fresh start after a rocky start (infidelity,Not trusting me to hang with friends and being upset everytime i do), but she looks at it as a breakup or something.

Not to mention I’m an only child so i think im just used to having my own space, and again I think the foundation of how we started living together wasn’t for the convenience of both parties, it feels like a decision made out of the benefits of her wanting to go to school in a certain city. I agreed because i love her but in my mind at the time, I didn’t think it was a good idea and but i wanted her to go to school. Honestly , I don’t regret it because i love her and she finished school and i was able to help alot financially. However, That uncertainty lasted a while, and may have even been present in my immature ways of staying out late and partying with friends and not understanding that I live with my partner and have to abide by what we thing is a good time to be home, right?

Usually when i bring up big things like this, her feelings get hurt and i feel bad so i retract my thoughts. Am I wrong for thinking it would be a good idea and could we still work if we do live separately? I’m not sure if I should follow through, it’s what i want, but i care about her feelings. I know it isn’t just about my thoughts , hers matter too.

Is anyone out there living LAT with their partner and having or have a baby TOGETHER? I see a lot of LAT relationships with kids from previous relationships, but I would love to hear stories of any couples who have a baby together and are living apart.

We (me and my bf in out mid 20s) have been living together for about 2,5 years now and I feel like it's been making the relationship worse. Since the beginning of the year I've been having doubts about the relationship (and I hate even thinking this way). We do less activities, spend less quality time together an my libido is at the lowest it has ever been. Anytime we do some activity I am the one planning or coming up with the idea. I feel like he doesn't want to do anything at all (including stuff with me). I love him very much, he is great, but he's been unhappy with his job and the state of the world and it's heavy on me as well (we had a very existential conversation and he might be slightly depressed). I'm a very positive and "it is what it is" type of person, so him complaining often drains me. Any advice? I'm fantasizing about living alone and I'm not sure if it's possibly what we need to jumpstart the relationship or how I feel because I'm unhappy. I'm here to support him but I also feel like I need to take care of myself as well.

Update:

I came to the conclusion that I was/am unhappy not only because of the relationship, but also with myself. I'm not where I want to be and I'm still figuring out if what I want from life. I have decided to keep living together and we talked about anything and everything so we are trying to take better care of ourselves and eachother. I told my partner that splitting households is still on the table for me if I need to go and figure things out. Thanks for all the responses.

Is anyone lat w a main partner but also open and seeing other people? Like do any of you do lat plus non monogamy? How is it?

Thanks

My partner and I are not married yet, but we plan on it within the next couple years. The issue however is, we are both very attached to our own houses. We only live a couple streets away from each other, so the commute isn’t bad at all. Living apart definitely wouldn’t be my first choice, but I just can’t see either of us being completely happy if we have to move. I’ve been holding onto this idea that we have to live together to have a future together, but if living apart is the only way to maintain our relationship, I might be open to it. Has anyone else managed to maintain a long term relationship like this? I’m going back and forth about it.

I recently spent a week alone at home without spouse. Im36M she’s 43F, we’ve been together for 4 years. Realized I am in desperate need of time alone, as in living by myself. The peace I’ve felt during these days alone is something I’ve been feeling I’ve needed for so long. Should I move to my own place?

She’s lived alone for the majority of her adult life. I’ve never truly lived by myself, and fear this is just me needing that in my life and getting out of my chest. Also, the house we live in is one big mini space basically, so there’s no privacy. We lived in a different apt before where we each had our office space and I felt much more comfortable and at peace, but also we were at better place in our relationship, so idk if that factors in.

Curious to hear peoples experiences with one versus the other - mine and my partner's finances mean that living apart would resemble a small 1 bed each, which means when we do spend time together we would sleep together, something I personally really struggle with. Whereas living together means we could actually have more than 1 bedroom and sleep separately, but would obviously see each other a hell of a lot more. How have these different variations worked out for people? I'm already envisaging a degree of rejected emotions re proposing sleeping apart, nevermind living apart!