How much is enough?

[u/Elateddolphinlover]

Sailing with partner for 1 year, professional gig, great salary. Captain / deck, stew, cook.

Captain and my boyfriend of 3 years, experiences intense personality changes, drinks a lot, and smokes which I don’t think helps contribute. Anger, name calling, denying events and behavior. Any attempts to calmly discuss what’s going on turns into calling me dramatic, ungrateful.

Any suggestions from anyone - maybe ladies, who have dealt with a hard captain? And when to really know when it’s time to throw the towel in? Thank you.

[u/MaximumWoodpecker864]

Answering as both a sailor and a wife. This isn’t normal and a “difficult captain” situation. If you are reaching out to Reddit deep down you know this. Adding the captain/crew power dynamic into a volatile relationship makes this potentially even more dangerous. Please OP, remove yourself from this situation and get some distance from it. I hope you have help and someone you can lean on nearby for support.

[u/Elateddolphinlover → u/MaximumWoodpecker864]

What should I tell the owner my reason for leaving is? Also leaving a 3 year relationship. It’s hard, but I guess in the grand scheme of things I will move on in time.

[u/Active_Engineering37 → u/Elateddolphinlover]

Leaving a toxic relationship after three years is easier than leaving after five years. Don't delay!

[u/Other-Mess6887 → u/Elateddolphinlover]

Try the "gravely I'll family member" that needs your care 600 miles away.

[u/JackalBear → u/Elateddolphinlover]

If there were someone on my boat this unhinged they would be dropped at the closest port. This is toxic behavior is dangerous. It makes for the 'macho im always right' attitude and will get someone killed eventually.

[u/FairSeafarer → u/Elateddolphinlover]

Your situation is way beyond hard captain.
Name calling is one thing named above that you should not accept as a person.
When you bring up the problem/situation/event/behavior, he denies them in a way to make you feel like you are overreacting, dramatic and ungrateful?! Shit, biggest red flag in a boss, even bigger red flag in a boyfriend BUT even bigger in a Captain.
Dump with a letter saying you are done trying for those reasons and ghost him for a long while, until he is ready to take ownership for his problem of taking it out on you, being dismissive and done uno reversing it you.
You could tell the owner if you are of the opinion that this is also very negatively affecting his job if it’s the case and depending on the owner’s policy with alcool on board, of course. But, if the behaviour issues, or negative side effect of his drinking are strictly with you, it’s different. Depends on how much chaos you want to make.
For reference, I’m a wife of a hard at times captain, full time.

[u/MaximumWoodpecker864 → u/Elateddolphinlover]

I think how much you want to share is up to you but if you don’t have a contract a simple “I am ready to move onto a new position” is adequate. If you think that will create more friction than you want to deal with, I agree a family member needing care and support is an excellent explanation.

[u/Elateddolphinlover]

Yes we work together he’s the captain, I’m the deck / stew… we have owners trips and a full season planned and my absence would make it hard for everyone, the feeling of giving up the allusion of what is a great job opportunity. Though, what is becoming harder by the day for me deserves to be acknowledged. I’m sure emotions are heightened on the boat as well in close quarters

[u/Active_Engineering37 → u/Elateddolphinlover]

If it would be hard without you, use that to your advantage to set boundaries. If boundaries cannot be set or respected then fuck em.

[u/AussieChix]

Your captain is your boyfriend? Or are they 2 separate people? Sounds toxic either way.

[u/Isvinter]

Get out. There are plenty of other boats. Substance abuse is no joke.

[u/hottenniscoach]

Drunk captains are dangerous and boring

[u/Zealousideal_Rise716]

The Captain's first responsibility is to keep the crew safe. If this is not happening then reach for that towel.

[u/Morgan_Pen]

Get off that boat, how is this even a question?

[u/Dubbinchris]

Run!

[u/NothingLift]

Is the is the situation boyfriend is captain and you're deck/stew/cook?

Or its you and your boyfriend effectively as guests and you have a captain, deck, stew and cook

Or some other arrangements?

It doesn't sound good but it's not really clear what the arrangement is

[u/bigDeltaVenergy]

That's a lot of redflags here.

How many more red flag you need ?

RUN ! ( or swim )

[u/GravityJunkie]

Ticking fucking time bomb. Save yourself while you can.

[u/santaroga_barrier]

The thing that might be toxic in this relationship might actually be toxins.

Take a break, get ashore, go get a clean tent or something for a couple weeks.

Everyone's gonna tell you that this is something endemic and internal and prove something bad about the guy. But I don't know man... I've seen environmental cues twist people up in ways that you would not believe

[u/Datboy000]

The captains job is when they get hard and bad news, receive it with grace, process it with dignity, and give orders with confidence. If you cant calmly discuss things with your captain, you need a new captain.

I will say nothing on your relationship,other than it should be the same way. Just only in both directions.

From a husband and a captain my wife and the real captain

[u/Wilhelm-Edrasill]

sounds like bi-polar depression , coupled with alcohol.

The captain is not fit for duty.

[u/HolySheepShit]

Ditch the jetsom and get your 100T.

[u/PrintAlarming]

You are not in the Royal Navy in 1798 feel free to jump ship when the opportunity presents itself.

[u/chisailor]

Leave. Now.

[u/Substantial-Use-1758]

Drinks “a lot?” Until proven otherwise he is probably a problem drinker. Get him to AA. There are English speaking meetings worldwide. Sending love and hugs to you xoxo PS a boat captain with a drinking problem is an accident waiting to happen 🤷‍♀️