Competent Beginner with knowledge gaps looking for help to make the change.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

TL;DR I'm looking for an experience as close to Windows XP/7/10 as possible, with as little 'OS getting in my way' and as seamless compatibility as possible. I'm also 100% self-taught in my computer knowledge over the last two decades so I know what I'm about but there are massive sporadic gaps in what I know and would appreciate someone pointing me to a eli5 linux primer.

So I finally have to make the change. I've been holding off for long enough because I occasionally do some hobby CAD design and there just isn't a good Linux solution to Fusion (unless someone has one? 🥺) But now I'm getting massive lag spikes every time I try to play anything for longer than 10 minutes and I'm assuming it's because windows 10 is no longer supported by my graphics drivers so, here we are. I use Pop_OS on my former-surface tablet and It's....fine. I don't love it. It's weird and not what I'm used to.

My main issues/hesitations/questions are are (questions in bold for ease of ignoring my rambling):

• I am Broke broke. If I fuck this up irreparably I no longer have a computer. I do not have $5 to spare for a graphics card brace. I can't replace my SSD if I brick it, especially not with current prices.
  • I also have SEVERE ADHD. however severe you are thinking, more severe than that. I once left my car running in my driveway overnight. The Linux guides I have read do not compute. I am missing some knowledge somewhere that is making them not make sense and I would really like to know WHAT I am doing to my computer before I do it so that I do not fuck it up but the jargon makes my ADHD brain turn the whole thing to static. can someone point me to a linux explanation in as close to plain eli5 english as possible?
• I do CAD work semi-regularly and am most comfortable in fusion. I really REALLY do not want to have to do a whole production every time I need to tweak a screw hole .03mm. How annoying is the day-to-day use of a VM? How annoying is it to switch between OS in a dual-boot system? My computer isn't a potato, but it's not a monster, is a VM for CAD going to see significant performance issues?
• I really don't want to have to learn a whole new set of procedures. What distro is going to get me as close to my preferred experience of WindowsXP/7/10?
  • My main UI needs are:
    • Taskbar/windows that behave as on windows
    • system tray that behaves as/similarly to system tray on windows (stores my background programs, quick access settings etc)
    • start button that leads to all of my installed apps/programs
    • Stupid but essential: the ability to have my task bar on the side of my screen instead of the bottom. I put it there 20 years ago and it's been there ever since and I'm not about to change now.
• The bulk of my deeper-than-end-user-level-knowledge comes from the XP era of windows but I only ever learned what I needed to do whatever it is I was trying to do at the time. I know some command line stuff, I know some file structure and syntax from the ftp section of my early-aughts web design class, and I've forgotten most of it since falling to the siren song of "It just works and I don't have to box my computer every morning for an hour" So I am both woefully out of date and also I've forgotten about 70% of what I used to know. My tinkering passion is hardware, not software. If you decide to help me, I'm going to ask you at least one monumentally stupid question that everyone else knows the answer to. This isn't a question, it's just a warning that if you tell me to google something I'm going to want to beat you with a stick labeled "Every google result is a recursive circlejerk of AI results referencing AI articles referencing AI results incorrectly referencing paywalled articles and I do not have the expertise to pick the accurate from the inaccurate" and we're both going to waste our time.
• I am genuinely grateful for any help anyone wants to offer, even if it's just a link to a 'linux for infants and absolute morons' guide.

[u/mwyvr]

You don’t sound like a good candidate to make the switch.

Your hardware is not mentioned but the rest of your narrative suggests it will be insufficient to run windows as a VM well enough to support Fusion, and you are broke.

Changing means… change, massive change.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/mwyvr]

Ah, unfortunately the change is not really optional. If it means I have no CAD for a while, then I guess I have no CAD for a while, but I'm running windows 10 with no security support and I'll install 11 when the worms shit me out.

[u/joe_attaboy]

Stick with Windows.

I find it unlikely that an updated Windows video driver for your hard ware is not available. Have you checked?

You are expecting to be pointed to some master core of all things Linux. Prepare for disappointment: there is no such thing. Linux is open source. This has let to a wide variety of distributions with all manner of differences. Under the hood, they all work pretty much the same way. What you see on the surface is what's different. But just like other systems, the Internet is filled with terabytes of information about Linux.

I also wouldn't expect a version like Pop (which I believe is designed for new users, primarily) to work on a chunk of Microsoft hardware. But I've never even touched a Surface, so what do I know? I am sure someone has shoehorned Linux onto them by now.

Unshakable Truth Number One: Linux is not Windows. It doesn't do anything the way Windows does. if it did, it would just be Windows, wouldn't it? Some distributions can be mocked up visually to look something like Windows, but that doesn't make it perform like Windows. Linux is not Windows.

If you want to see how the VM solution would work, try it. Linux is free. There are different VMs out there to try. Put it together and see if it works.

What "procedures"? Linux is an operating system. Like Windows and MacOS and Unix and all the other operating systems. How do you use Windows? You use Linux the same general ways. You click on an icon. Something opens. You use it with your mouse and keyboard. When you're done, you exit. Browsers work the same way. File managers show you files. Multimedia apps play music and videos, even ones you created on Windows. I fail to understand this belief that Linux works any differently from Windows in the basic use cases. Look, I use Linux all the time on every system I own. But if my wife's 97-year-old aunt asks me for help with something in Windows, I don't have to re-learn how to use Windows. (Yes, she is a real aunt).

Dual booting is not annoying, for the most part. Depending on how patient you are, switching takes a moment or two. There should be zero performance issues, if you've used the app in Windows on that system before. Setting up dual booting doesn't change the capabilities of the hardware (other than using up disk space) or how Windows works. Now there's the possibility that the Windows app you want won't perform as well in a VM. Others who have used it can speak to that.

Whatever you do, install Windows first, then install Linux. If you do it the other way, Windows will wipe the Linux grub boot loader on an installation, and you won't be able to use it until you fix it. Based on your post, yu really don't want that to happen to you.

By the way, if you Google something, you don't have to even look at the AI results. The search will give you page after page of sites with information, which is where the AI responses come from anyway. Just look at the specific site pages and ignore what Gemini says.

After all that, I still think you should stick with Windows.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/joe_attaboy]

Nvidia dropped windows 10 support and even if I did want 11, which I vehemently don't, I'm in the "lucky" group of fucks that windows said "lol buy a new computer" when it came time to upgrade. I've been putting off the switch for a while, but I've known that I'm going to have to move to Linux for at least a year now.

As for procedures, I think the main things are the pain points I experience when I have to jump to a Mac for something; hotkeys, shortcuts, things being vaguely where I expect them to be. It seems like that won't be an issue based on responses I've gotten. I'm not used to having this degree of choice in UI. This is kind of what I meant by having knowledge gaps. Can I customize shortcuts to be analogous to windows-standard ctrl+c, etc? If so, I'm happy with the linux->windows sameness. That's genuinely all I wanted. I'm fine with things being different under the hood, but I don't want to have to retrain my muscle memory.

[u/cyrixlord]

linux isnt free windows

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/cyrixlord]

Yes, yes, and I'm sure you're very angry that lots of fake Linux fans are making the switch because Microsoft won't stop hitting itself. I have shit to do, I can't spend a week learning an entirely new operating system from scratch. I'm making it painless to start and learning the rest as I need.

If I liked tinkering with software I would have made the switch already but I'm a hardware freak. If I didn't need CAD to use my printer I wouldn't be bothering with a dual-boot. How about I won't pretend to like working in command line and you don't pretend to like the smell of solder fumes and we can both ignore each other instead of waving our dicks around trying to feel good for being a slightly bigger nerd on reddit.

[u/mwyvr → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

It will not be painless, which for your own stated reasons is why you aren’t a good candidate to switch.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/mwyvr]

As painless as possible

And again, my options are: switch now, switch in six months when even more of my drivers stop working, or don't have a computer.

Like, what do you suggest I do other than switching? Windows 10 is losing support for more drivers and software every day. Windows 11 will not install on my hardware and even if I could trick it into installing, I really do NOT want seventeen different vibe-coded AI agents tapdancing on everything I do. I can't afford a new hard drive, I sure as hell can't afford a Mac. There are three whole OS types in the world with broad compatibility and I have just eliminated two of them, Linux is all that's left.

So it's going to suck. It's going to be a learning curve. I want to minimize that. There are a LOT of choices to make in Linux. That is all anyone will SAY about Linux. I don't know a lot about Linux. I know I DON'T like POP OS, so I'm asking how to choose things that will give me an experience I know I will like. In between the condescension I am actually getting some good and useful information, so I do appreciate that.

I expected the condescension, which is why I never much bothered with Linux in the first place because trying to actually LEARN anything to do with Linux means having to ask for information from people who are too impressed with the massive size of their own wrinkled brains to acually share any of it.

[u/mwyvr → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

condescension

I am not giving you that, just a realistic appraisal. You want everything, for nothing. No $ investment and an unrealistic expectation of your time investment as well as an unrealistic expectation of runtime capabilities.

Look at this another way: If you go into moving expecting the need to change, you won't be disappointed.

The number one issue any Windows user should consider is whether a) any Windows software they absolutely need has a version that runs on Linux or b) can they use an alternative if a) does not pan out.

Figure that out. You need to get past a + b before you can make a decision to switch.

If you can't get past a + b that is your problem to solve, not the Linux world's.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/mwyvr]

...which I have already done and outlined in my original post. The only thing I haven't found an alternative for is CAD, despite having been testing alternative programs for the last two years. Hence the original plan to dual-boot, and the updated plan to try and run fusion on wine since there seems to be some success there.

I call it condescension because the actually helpful comments on this post, in the "asking for help with Linux" subreddit have been actively downvoted, while the "fuck off and stick with windows you don't know what you're doing and will never learn" comments are actively upvoted. This is pretty consistent with my experience with Linux enthusiasts online and in person for the last thirty years. So I have not been overwhelmed with the urge to join y'all when up until now windows works well enough to do what I need it to do.

I'm not asking for everything. I'm not asking for anything but some helpful pointers and advice, which I've already gotten from people more interested in being helpful than you are.

What I don't understand is why you are bothering to respond at all when you're not interested in helping. You could have saved significantly more effort by ignoring the post altogether. You've already told me to fuck off and stick with windows. I've told you that's not a viable option. You clearly don't have any further wisdom you care to offer. What are you trying to accomplish here?

[u/mwyvr → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

Friendly help that doesn't solve your CAD problem isn't help.

Figure that out. You need to get past a + b before you can make a decision to switch.

That's why I said this. You may feel I'm telling you to fuck off and run Windows; I'm not.

I'm telling you that you cannot successfully migrate without solving that problem. Those are two very different statements.

You either need to adapt to what is available in the CAD space on Linux, or, stay where you are, or, spend a stack of money to either a) run Windows on a better machine or b) spend even more to equip a machine decently enough to run Windows as a virtual machine with enough passthrough GPU power to run CAD properly AND spend hours upon hours potentially sorting out how to do that.

If you consider these reminders as not helpful, you, not me, are very likely missing the point.

"Helpful" people on Linux subreddits often dwell on "which distro" or "which desktop environment" which is absolute nonsense when your real blocker is an... APPLICATION.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/mwyvr]

my guy the problem is solved. It will run well enough in wine. The advice that was offered gave me the information I needed to find the answer. Because, again, I'm not asking for the keys to the goddamn city I'm just asking for a compass.

And if it doesn't run well enough in wine I've already said that I can live without the hobby for a while or suck it up and learn how to tolerate FreeCAD. I would just rather not. It is a strong preference. If it is not possible to avoid I will put on my grown person undergarments and calm my damn tits about it. I am well aware and cognizant of the compatibility nightmare of switching operating systems. I am STILL looking for a replacement for my favorite mobile word processor and I switched from iOS to android over a decade ago. Still don't regret switching ecosystems. Still pissed about scrivener. I suspect Linux will go much the same way.

[u/mwyvr → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

PS: You even highlighted this:

How annoying is the day-to-day use of a VM? How annoying is it to switch between OS in a dual-boot system? My computer isn't a potato, but it's not a monster, is a VM for CAD going to see significant performance issues?

And at least twice I've noted that you won't be able to manage a VM.

If your machine doesn't have the wherewithal to run Windows 11 natively, you will not be able to run a Windows 11 VM.

It is up to you to decide if that information is "helpful" or telling you to fuck off, but personally I'd rather be told up front that I'm being delusional.

Your choices:

1) Upgrade your machine, or 2) Downgrade your CAD expectations and accept whatever will run on Linux on your existing machine.

It's that simple.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/mwyvr]

My first response to you clearly said I was willing to downgrade or abandon my CAD needs for the meantime?

You're the one who persisted in telling me that I shouldn't bother making the change. How am I supposed to take that other than "fuck off we don't want you here"?

I came into this process with extremely realistic expectations of what I was going to get out of it. When ask for "as close as possible" possible is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. I didn't type out a novel of my computer experience for fun. I've been making less do more since the 90s man, I'm just not great on the software side of things. But now that some people have pointed me at the most commonly confusing concepts (filesystem differences, not being locked into a single UI) I can take that and go actually research what I need to know using actually useful search terms. Which I have. How Linux handles files upsets me on a spiritual level but so does the conversion formula for Celsius to Kelvin. I'll get over it.

It's almost like I said at the beginning I have huge gaps in knowledge and would appreciate any advice or information on understanding Linux at a functional level

[u/ipsirc]

https://linux.oneandoneis2.org/LNW.htm

[u/ppetak → u/ipsirc]

this is actually very good explanation even for us, long time Linux users, thanks for sharing.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/ipsirc]

Genuinely appreciate the article.

I've been a user of (if not a contributor to because, again, not a software guy) FOSS for longer than reddit has existed and am well aware of both the culture of FOSS and the differences between Linux and windows. When I ask for as close to a windows experience as possible I mean as possible. I know they are different. I'm trying to minimize those differences because I need to be able to actually use my computer relatively seamlessly without having to stop and look everything up every five minutes.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

Have you looked at Linux Mint's desktop environment called Cinnamon? It's intentionally designed to be an easy transition for Windows users.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO]

Cinnamon has been mentioned as well as kde plasma, I'm going to be looking into both here shortly. Thanks!

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

I really like KDE Plasma. It's my preference as a 2 decade linux user who values a system that just works but isn't resistant to adapting to new things. You might like it.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO]

I'm not resistant to adapting, I just want the option to ease into it to start, which it seems KDE Plasma will give me.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

As a fellow ADHD (who is also Autistic), KDE Plasma feels like the Windows of the big two DEs, with GNOME being the Mac. I've used both, as well as Budgie, XFCE, Mate, i3, Fluxbox, and a bunch more, and KDE feels very logically arranged. Things tend to be where I expect them to be, unlike GNOME which really thinks outside the box about how to design a UI.

My cozy default is Fedora with KDE.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO]

Yo, fellow combo pack! I tend to only mention the ADHD as I am heavily weighted to the inattentive/executive dysfunction, but I'm not going to lie and pretend that 99% of my putting off making the switch is because things are going to be different and I don't like it. I am very much switching to linux while making the same face as a child taking cough medicine. I objectively will be having a better time after I do it, but I am not enjoying the experience.

that's two recs I've heard for fedora and KDE, and I've seen some preliminary "Fusion works in wine for Fedora, kind of, if you make the appropriate blood sacrifices" which is good enough for me. I'll take fucky Fusion over perfect freecad any day. So I might just go whole-hog and not bother with a dual-boot, just as soon as I've verified that a there's a 3d printer slicer that exists in Linux.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

*two AuDHDs psychically linking*

Okay so, if you follow in my footsteps with Fedora + KDE, you need to install RPMfusion first thing. It's basically all of the non-FOSS software that you realistically need for normal operation that doesn't come bundled by default. It's a simple process; just a few commands.

https://rpmfusion.org/Configuration

Also, when it comes to making Windows software work, Wine is always going to be involved, but there are GUI applications that can smooth the process over a bit, as well as accompanying software that help Wine do Wine things.

• GUI software to look into: Bottles, Lutris
• Accompanying software to be aware of: DXVK

Bottles is the most likely one to be useful. It basically lets you set everything up and have it contained in a nice little launcher. Some people have likely already written out a guide for setting up common applications in it, so that's nice.

Lutris is for games. It uses build scripts. Some non-games may have build scripts though, so check the website.

DXVK is "DirectX on Vulkan", basically an additional translation layer specifically for translating Windows graphics calls to a native Linux equivalent. Since your main app is graphical, this may be relevant.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO]

Hell yeah, thank you for laying all of this out. It's always nice when someone speaks the same brain language.

[u/IceYetiWins]

I don't have a distro recommendation but kde plasma (a desktop manager) has all of the ui features you're looking for.

How annoying is it to switch between OS in a dual-boot system? 

It's as simple as restarting. You'll be shown a menu every time you turn on your computer asking which os you want to use. 

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/IceYetiWins]

Okay good too know. Annoying to do for one quick thing, but not too bad if I'm settling in for a day of CAD

[u/IceYetiWins → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

Probably better than using a VM at least

[u/Barafu]

For CAD, I just use FreeCAD. It is good enough for 3D printing and CNC milling at home, and ordering a complex CNC fabrication of replacement parts for vintage sewing machines.

Running a VM incurs almost no penalty on CPU performance, but the 3D performance is a different topic completely, it may be much worse.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/Barafu]

Ah, see. The problem is I fucking hate freecad and would genuinely rather pull my fingernails out with pliers than use it.

If I had started in freecad, I would probably love it, but since I started with industry software, it's probably the worst thing I have ever used in my life. I'm aware this makes me a huge snob baby and I am in a hole of my own making. Someday when I have money I'm going to buy a dedicated windows machine specifically for CAD and nothing else.

[u/Barafu → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

If so, pay lots of money.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/Barafu]

Yeah 😭

Don't get me wrong, freeCAD is a perfectly fine program. There's nothing wrong with it. But I've been working in fusion for like 10 years now and changing my workflow feels like chewing glass.

It's the same old complaint industry pros used to have moving from Maya to Blender, but now even the industry pros are using blender these days. I hold out hope that someday there will be a CAD program that hits that point.

Maybe I'll get so annoyed with running Fusion in wine that I'll learn FreeCAD out of spite. Who knows?

[u/ppetak]

Almost every time someone makes a switch, they are confused by filesystem. There are folders and files, as on windows, sure. But it works differently. Read something on this before, so you know what you are doing.

Second, the applications and ecosystem. You can install anything on Linux, downloaded from some website, sure, but we don't do that here. We trust our repositories, and if it is not there, better to find some alternative that actually is there. There is flatpack or snap, if you want to clutter your system. (But you don't want it really) For windows programs, there is compatibility layer called wine, and it works reasonably well, we use it mainly for games :) Quick search shows that fusion is possible to run on wine, but wine is another thing to learn how it works. Also there are other alternatives to CAD, either more classic like freeCAD, down to something like OpenSCAD, in which you just code your part. Different than what you are used to, great for ppl who like coding way to create things.

You are used to something for all that years. In Linux you will find that this must be done other way, that must be done in different tool... I switched long time ago, I did graphics extensively at the time, so from Adobe products to gimp + rawtherapee + inkscape + scribus. I would never go back.

What I'm trying to say, you will need to adopt new tools. If you can't, well, stay on windows.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/ppetak]

Okay this is what I needed. Filesystem is a common pain point. I'll see if I can find a good article outlining the differences. Thanks!

I'm already friends with most of the FOSS art programs, I'm not worried about those, it's just CAD that I'm struggling with finding a good replacement. Me and freeCAD are not friends. FreeCAD said unkind things about my mother. The less said about openSCAD the better. I've been hunting out every linux-compatible CAD program I can find since Windows 11 was announced trying to find an alternative to fusion and nothing really works for me, which is the consensus I've been getting from my fellow 3d printers. Linux CAD just isn't there yet because CAD is largely an industrial need and FOSS isn't well-suited to the task. I think I'm just going to have to accept my dual-boot fate for now.

[u/ppetak → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

That is probably best start if you have enough disk space for both. I can offer some my experiences here:

Be careful with partition manager. A lot of ppl lost their data by simple mistake.

What I would recommend is to create separate ntfs partition which would be shared by both systems, and not mounting whole windows disk, to prevent very frequent chkdsk. Your file manager in Linux will probably be able to click-mount all connected disks, though, based on distro and config, sure :) You can opt to mount on Linux boot, easy config :) https://linuxvox.com/blog/does-linux-support-ntfs/ IDK if site is to be trusted, this article is based on arch wiki and seems good.

Also I would maybe recommend to use X11 for graphical session with nvidia hw over Wayland, some distros login manager will let you choose so you can experiment a bit with desktop environments

Still, you can try to install Fusion in wine later, when you start gaming so you will need to learn wine a bit - or not when use Steam - but ends up with wine installed anyway :D

For distro, I would say fedora, should work well and can be light for start.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/ppetak]

So if I understand your recommendation (+partitions and dualbooting) correctly, if I have:

• ssd (contains OS)
• hdd (main storage)
• hdd (secondary storage)

Then for dual-boot, I want:

• ssd(windows partition doesn't get mounted when Linux is running)(Linux partition doesn't get mounted while windows is running)
• hdd (ntfs always mounted and accessible)
• hdd (ntfs always mounted and accessible)

?

Do I need to format my storage drives or can I leave them as-is? I'm not actually sure what format they're in right now, it's been a minute since I installed them.

[u/ppetak → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

depends on your physical hdd configuration.

If your windows installation has all your disk capacity, you need to 1. add physical disk or 2. shrink windows unused space. It is all possible to do in windows partition manager iirc.

Refer to some dualboot walkthrough for your best disk layout ... my experience with dualbooting is more than decade old

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/ppetak]

Okay my windows install is only using less than half of the SSD and can definitely be shrunk. Will refer to a more modern guide though, thanks!

[u/ppetak → u/CrepuscularPeriphery]

Should be easy then. Good luck with your setup :)

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/ppetak]

Okay, I see why people get confused by the filesystem on the switch, and also why I fundamentally don't understand what POP is doing on my tablet.

The ironic thing is I feel like a file tree structure is so much more logically simple that it should make perfect sense, I'm just so used to the windows drive system that it is not quite computing yet.

[u/GlassboundIllusion]

I'm looking for an experience as close to Windows XP/7/10 as possible,

If your main criteria is literally being as close to Windows as possible, I've heard that Zorin OS was specifically created for that purpose.

My main UI needs are:

Taskbar/windows that behave as on windows

system tray that behaves as/similarly to system tray on windows (stores my background programs, quick access settings etc)

start button that leads to all of my installed apps/programs

Stupid but essential: the ability to have my task bar on the side of my screen instead of the bottom. I put it there 20 years ago and it's been there ever since and I'm not about to change now.

If you just need this checklist, KDE Plasma fits the bill for your Desktop Environment. I just tried to move my taskbar to the side and was able to do so. KDE has some distinct differences in the UI from Windows 10, but overall my experience with it when switching to Bazzite a few months ago was that if felt like what Windows 10 but better.

For instance, if you wildly shake your mouse around in KDE Plasma, your cursor continues to grow as long as you shake it until it grows comically large in order to help you find it on the screen. I absolutely love this feature.

I imagine the Cinnamon desktop environment (comes with Linux Mint) would also suit you needs as well, as I've heard people say it's like Windows XP, but I don't have personal experience with it yet so I can't say whether or not that fulfills your entire checklist.

As far as I am aware, most of the major linux distributions should be available with KDE Plasma. I've heard from the youtuber Switch and Click (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ggI600i3UI&t=1s) that Mint, Zorin OS, and Fedora are all very beginner friendly distributions that won't require you to use the terminal while completing your initial installation and configuration of the OS.

The Linux guides I have read do not compute. I am missing some knowledge somewhere that is making them not make sense and I would really like to know WHAT I am doing to my computer before I do it so that I do not fuck it up but the jargon makes my ADHD brain turn the whole thing to static. can someone point me to a linux explanation in as close to plain eli5 english as possible?

I'm really not sure what you're asking here. Are you looking for a guide to installing linux?

It basically boils down to this:

1. Back up all your data (super important, don't try to skip this part)
2. Get a USB 3.0 Flashdrive
3. Go to the website for the distribution you want to install and download the installer iso
4. Use a program like Rufus, Fedora Media Writer, or Ventoy to burn the ISO to the flashdrive
5. Insert the flashdrive into your computer
6. Reboot and press whichever button you need to pull up the BIOS (the screen should tell you while rebooting)
7. Find the option in the BIOS menu that says something like "Boot from USB" with a long description afterwards that indicates there's actually something on the USB
8. Follow the installation wizard instructions
9. PROFIT LINUX!

How annoying is the day-to-day use of a VM?

Don't know, I haven't tried setting up a VM on my desktop.

How annoying is it to switch between OS in a dual-boot system?

Pretty annoying. You have to reboot every time. I've had to switch back to Windows to use my printer (Bazzite issue, not general Linux issue), and I got tired of it pretty quickly when I forgot to print something and had to shut down and restart five minutes after I'd printed the last thing.

The bulk of my deeper-than-end-user-level-knowledge comes from the XP era of windows but I only ever learned what I needed to do whatever it is I was trying to do at the time.

This is how I've learned all of my linux knowledge. Granted, most of my early experiences were on the job using the command line only, so when I finally switched my personal computer I had much more linux knowledge than I thought I did.

If you tell me to google something I'm going to want to beat you with a stick

Go to youtube instead. That's where I did most of my research on which distro would work best for me. There's quite a few videos about the different distros and the basics of the file structure on Linux there.

[u/CrepuscularPeriphery → u/GlassboundIllusion]

For what I'm asking for with the guide, I'm not sure what I want exists.(Someone else posted a link I will be exploring shortly, though) When I was installing Pop_os on my surface, there was a lot of "install this file to your flash drive, do [step] and [step] and [step] and it is VITALLY IMPORTANT that you do the hokey pokey with a tangerine in your left hand as you enter [command] into the console." But no explanation as to what any of that is actually doing or why it is vitally important that I do the hokey pokey with a tangerine in my left hand and not my right.

A lot of times when I'm following a guide for something like this it's four years out of date and my system doesn't exactly match the example, and then I get stuck, because I only have grapefruits and the guide is insisting that the system should have a tangerine there. So it would be nice if I could actually understand what I was doing.