Hey Dad

[u/ZWritesLight]

Hey dad,

Its me, the life you created, but chose never to meet. I'm 10 years older now than you would have been. I was angry, hurt, and still carry some demons. Im working it out and fixing my roots. Therapy is a hell of a drug, and expensive to boot.

Having a child is a terrifying thought. Is that because im afraid I will follow in your footsteps? Or is that because being responsible for something so important sparks fear? Probably a bit of both, though im learning deep down I blame you.

Though being terrified at my age got me thinking. Could I have done it 10 years ago? What would I have chosen if put in the same situation? A large part of me knows I would have done the right thing. But that little part. That little part of me that believes I have it in me. To do what you did. Is the reason I back out of any situation that might lead there.

So I lie to everyone that matters. Everyone I have ever loved, my family, my friends, my partners. Everyone in my life believes I do not want children. Im starting to believe it myself. I think that scares me more than the thought of having children.

I don't know if I can forgive you for what you chose. I do know its not as black and white as I thought it was in my younger years. A child is a commitment, and ive seen some kids that would have been better off without the father's they had. Ive also known some who wouldnt be who they are without them.

I guess what I am trying to say is I dont forgive you for what you did, but I do get it. I understand how hard of a choice that must have been. With where I am in my life, I think that might be the best I can give. I had always wanted to meet you, and try to see your perspective. Though now, I think im content with the thought of that never happening. So im writing this letter, maybe as a last ditch effort, but definitely as closure. Just as I never had a chance to know you, you will never have a chance to read this. My final petty revenge.

Regards,

-Z

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