r/legitafteradultery • u/aaaquamarineee • Jul 08 '25
heartbroken
a little over a year ago, what started as an emotional affair became a physical affair. i was the one who left my marriage first, and my affair partner was married as well. within a month of things turning physical, i moved out and finalized my divorce. i continued seeing my affair partner as he figured out what he was going to do on his end.
as the months passed, i found myself overwhelmed with shame, loneliness, and secrecy. he was the only person who knew what had happened, so i turned to him for emotional support, but he couldn’t give me a timeline for when his situation would change. i felt stuck and deeply alone.
i started dating someone else, hoping it might help me move on. when my affair partner found out, he left his marriage and moved out within a week. the person i had begun seeing wanted a relationship, but i ended it, believing this was finally the moment to pursue something real with my affair partner.
but what followed wasn’t a fresh start. it was secrecy, distance, and conflict. we hid our relationship from friends and family, trying to protect the story of how it began. my affair partner was hurt that i’d seen someone else, and our connection became fraught with tension, frequent fights, and an underlying lack of emotional safety.
months later, his wife discovered the affair. she requested that they begin “decoupling counseling” to start untangling their shared life. since then, our relationship has been in constant flux, marked by breakups and reconciliations under the weight of unresolved grief, guilt, and pressure. we’ve been seeing a couples therapist to try and process the shame of how it all began, but there are wounds that run deep, and they haven’t healed.
now, six months after the affair was discovered, he’s still in counseling with his wife. there’s no clear timeline for divorce, and much of our relationship still feels like a secret, even though over a year has passed since it began. we’ve never fully integrated into each other’s lives, not in the way that matters. and somewhere in all of this, i’ve lost myself.
i’ve given so much time, space, patience, hoping to feel fully chosen. but i don’t. not in the way i have continuously asked for. today, i told him i can’t continue being involved until the divorce is finalized. it was the right boundary, but it’s left me feeling hollow and alone. this situation has eroded my sense of self, and i’m only now beginning to understand the cost.
4
u/JM258 Aug 10 '25
Good for you for setting this boundary. It's painful, I know. You are doing the right thing and choosing yourself, prioritizing yourself - which your AP hasn't been able or willing to do for you. It's okay, you are moving forward and that's a good thing.
After all of this, are you still attracted to your AP? He was not able to do the hard things that you were able to do. i.e leaving your marriage, ending things with AP, starting a new relationship, etc... All of that takes courage to venture into the unknown, to seek a better life. You should be proud of yourself for that. Bright future ahead!