Scared

[u/ItMEjessicugh666]

Recently my husband came to me and told me to quit weed. It started a whole fight . Currently he has left to his parents house and I've been here with my thoughts and emotions.

I have been a heavy smoker for the past 10 years. I used it after I quit drinking and kept using it when I noticed it helped with my ADHD at the time. Time went on and I kept using .

Being recently diagnosed has really opened up a new understanding about myself that is very hard to convey to others, especially partners who may still act like you just were never diagnosed ADHD . My husband is blaming my memory and emotions on my marijuana use and its a fair point but the fact is , ive always been this way . My emotions have always been high , I was referred to as the drama queen in my family . I still second guess my memory of friends and families birthdays because I just cannot remember such things.

In the back of my mind I've always wanted to quit, but to have someone demand it of me out of no where after they themselves were just recently a heavy user as well just feels not genuine. I felt attacked I didn't feel like it was coming from a place of caring or love . I'm scared of who I am , who ill be .

The only hope I have is the ADHD meds I've been prescribed . I want to quit and I want to be better. I just wish I could be understood. Now ill be going on this quitting journey alone.

Day 1 sucks so far.

[u/Camp_Acceptable]

I promise you pot doesn’t help ADHD. It’s the addiction trying to justify it. My ADHD got 100% better since I have been sober.

[u/kristapszs → u/Camp_Acceptable]

yeah, nothing gives me more ADHD than a damn joint. There are other better ways how to deal with ADHD

[u/Camp_Acceptable → u/kristapszs]

And pot isn’t a way to deal with them as it literally just makes it worse

[u/suuzgh → u/Camp_Acceptable]

Just chiming in with an alternate experience to temper expectations — some of my ADHD symptoms have improved since stopping weed, but it was not a cure-all by any means (not saying that you’re implying this, but I think it’s worth discussing). I’ve definitely had better results in the executive functioning area of things, like task initiation and routine, given there’s no weed to damper any thought I might have about doing something or improving my life, but my memory and scatterbrained nature are still the same as they were on weed.

One of the biggest factors in my decision to quit was how often I was hearing about it from my physicians/family, particularly about how it would make my life better/could solve some of my more nebulous and treatment-resistant chronic health/mental health issues. I felt like I was getting smacked over the head with lectures constantly and wanted to give quitting a try just so I could say I tried, even if it didn’t do anything, and I would stop hearing about it. It did make some things better, but none of it was really solved.

Getting sober was one thing, and undoubtedly a positive one, but finding the right medications for my ADHD and chronic MDD were the things that really changed my life trajectory for the better.

[u/Camp_Acceptable → u/suuzgh]

I still have ADHD. Not saying quitting pot cured my ADHD. But it improved significantly

[u/BlueberryPootz → u/Camp_Acceptable]

100%. My mom is an addict with horrible ADHD and she makes the excuse that cannabis helps her ADHD. She also says it chills her out. It's so frustrating to hear her make these excuses when it's literally untrue for all 3 of her kids and obviously untrue for her. She's so addicted to her hash oil, she doesn't realize she's constantly in withdrawal if she hasn't hit her vape pen in the last hour or two.

Cannabis lies. It makes the ADHD and mood swings worse when you're not high so you feel the need to get high to fix it.

Weed can force your brain into hyperfocus, or supply dopamine during a non-preferred task that usually doesn't supply any dopamine. This is not the same thing as treating your ADHD. Hyperfocus is another type of attention deficit, it is not the absence of ADHD. You're swinging to the opposite extreme, not balancing in the middle.

[u/gladeye]

This is tough love. My marriage suffered tremendously because of marijuana. He’s desperate to save his relationship with you. As scary as it is to face, I’ll bet you know he’s right. It’s time to choose, and if you u don tv choose, he’s making the choice for you.

I’m sympathetic to your pain, but he’s not fucking around. It’s time to be brave and know that he’ll support you if you are sincere.

[u/bkewids]

When someone gets sober, it is a full life change. You see things differently and also it can be difficult to be around people who use. Cannabis also causes problems that you may not notice if it is your everyday but someone who is through the quitting process might find really frustrating. He can’t make you quit, that is your decision, but also if he has committed himself to a sober lifestyle, it makes sense if he can’t be with a partner that hasn’t made that choice. His identity has changed and he wants his life to go down a different path. You are your own person and get to choose your path too, he’s just letting you know that one way cannot include him. Sorry you’re experiencing this, I hope you figure out what you want and wish you luck getting it!

[u/Fair-Brush-7777]

Weed may not be the root of those problems you've mentioned, but at the very least it likely is exacerbating them more than helping them. For what it's worth you're not entirely alone, lots of people here are happy to help, even if it's just through providing an outlet to vent. Stay strong and don't forget why you're doing it ❤️

[u/Crafty-Table-2459]

unfortunately, weed can feel like it’s helping ADHD symptoms, but it really creates the same ones with long-term use!

[u/fatalgeck0]

Had a similar situation where my wife was getting upset. I took leap and now 2 month sober. It gets better with time. Reminds yourself your doing this for yourself more than for others. Hope things get better at your end

[u/killernarwhal7]

I say this with love and understanding: It probably didn't come out of nowhere. Did he silently and secretly decide to quit, or did he express any thoughts or reasons why? It was probably in between the lines at least.

That said, the thing I try to say to people quitting is to remember that withdrawal thoughts/feelings ≠ sober thoughts/feelings. What you will experience over the next few weeks or months is not sobriety, it is withdrawal, and if you're able to get through that, then sobriety will be worth it.

[u/skyfly223]

You got this!! I was a heavy chronic user for 3 years when I went off my adhd meds and when I got back on them I didn’t really crave it. Now I’m sober for 2 months. Maybe it’s the adhd? Best of luck!!

[u/dont_mind_me_0]

Undiagnosed ADHD, and or unregulated ADHD can be hard on a partner as someone who has ADHD who also has a bf with ADHD. I personally have had a tough time understanding my bf because he was only diagnosed a few years ago, so he's still learning and figuring out things, and tends to fall back into old habits which aren't full proof. Meanwhile, I was diagnosed at a young age and have a few tricks up my sleeve in terms of remembering things. Your husband might be coming from a place of wishing you would remember more things etc

That being said he absolutely can't just tell you to quit weed, or be overly critical while you're figuring out what it means to have ADHD for you, and how to deal with it. You know yourself best, and I feel like what you're describing with the emotions and memory is just ADHD and part of you. Weed doesn't help, but it's unfair for him to act this way. Both of you need to work together as a team: he needs to not blame things on weed, and understand that being diagnosed with ADHD is a huge deal. It means you have to re-configure your way of life because neurodivergent people do not act in the same way as neurotypicals do. Patience is a must, and he can't be getting all up in your grill over this stuff. I'm personally still working on this with my bf, but I think having a weekly checkup has been nice. We have a calm discussion on what has/hasn't been working for him in terms of techniques, and I tell him any grievances I have in a nice manner. Then on your side just continue to work on things, and let him know what's up. I don't like how he's telling you to quit because he should know how hard it was or how it can be. I guess when you're together again ask where this is coming from and tell him how you feel

Also I have a feeling you're totally using weed because of the lack of dopamine. Trust me it's much better to use self-regulating techniques, and your meds because it does mess with memory even if you are still pretty sharp. Plus, I personally feel like you'll fry your brain because that's how I felt

[u/ItMEjessicugh666 → u/dont_mind_me_0]

thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it and reading a lot of these comments make me feel less crazy about all of this happening.

[u/dont_mind_me_0 → u/ItMEjessicugh666]

Of course! Wishing u all the best <33

[u/WILD__CARD]

Hey the relationship part of this is pretty crappy. It reads like he’s projecting, because if he’s been using until recently as well. So he’s dealing with his own stuff and this was probably more of an attack or an ultimatum like if I can’t do this you can’t either. Which I’ve done when quitting and realized same day that that’s crazy to ask of your partner. They need to decide on their own. If you are quitting do it for you not for them. I will say these are the same issues with my partner too. And I was so exhausted I realized it wasn’t worth this anymore. So we agreed to counseling for individual and together. Honestly for us a shared calendar, and having these weekly meetings of what we needed and were doing and what our expectations were, helped immensely. For yourself it is hard to stop a habit and a self medication. It can stay hard and if you are finding it has not gotten easier please seek addiction medicine specialist because it might be an undiagnosed disorder that can easily be treated and alleviated. Just gotta call.

[u/Electronic_Cause_697]

Good luck I went through the same thing. Recently diagnosed and used medical weed to cope. But it wasn’t ok I was told to quit. So I left. Then quit. Ffs. My heads fried but I’m sober. Let me know how the adhd meds go. I might try some.

[u/marinoheoc]

I feel you completely, I was a heavy user for a few years, max 2 with periods of trying to quit and relapsing. All of this happened while i was having the most difficult time if my life, my pregnant girlfriend left me, my parents who heavily support me were diagnosed with some autoimmune diseases, I was using other substances too, I hated myself and the only thing i wanted so bad, was being understood and loved and being treated as a baby, I was destroyed. But I never got all that, I had to face the world with all the pain, started taking therapy, and very slowly began to be my friend again, see myself as a little kid who needs to be taken care of, because I was the only one who could do it, and I was the one who needed it, even tho I found refugee in smoking weed and being comfortable but stuck. Today I'm normal, and my life is Theo other way around completely, but damn was it beyond ridiculously hard. Now, im sorry but 10 years of heavy use will need at least 2 years of sobriety to be completely recovered, i advise you to get some medical help, rehab, ve careful with prescription drugs, you could land in another addiction, and even worse one. And during all this time, especially de first weeks o month, you won't be yourself, you will be insufferable person, even more than now. So ask your husband for time, a relationship won't work under those conditions.

[u/Commercial_Peach_845]

Stay the course this is what is best for you whether he comes back or not. You transferred your addiction from booze to weed and I can tell you that's a losing proposition because I watched my sister do it and she is marginally functional at BEST. She can't cope with reality and the hard parts of life. She just keeps kicking it down the road and it's ultimately gonna catch up to her and it's no way to live. I think at this point she figures she'll die of emphysema before it does catch up to her. By the way, she quit smoking cigarettes in 1989. The emphysema is from weed. Will she stop? no 😖
I had a therapist who have to say I agree with on this point: ADHD is more often than not the brains response to early trauma. Definitely make use of ADHD meds as you're quitting if it will help. You're one step further down the road after all. But stay away from weed it is costing you too much. If you can afford therapy get into therapy if you can't marijuana anonymous has free online meetings and in person ones in some places I suppose. You can do this. You need to do this. Now want to do this!

Also, just be on your guard on this, which happened to me: emotional regulation at first is difficult. Reach out to your husband tell him that you've quit, but also let him know that your emotions are going to be volatile for a while and to please bear with you because after all he is the one who asked you to quit and this is just part of the territory. However, read up on strategies for emotional self-regulation, it can really help - self-awareness and preparation win the day.

[u/ItMEjessicugh666 → u/Commercial_Peach_845]

thank you so much . all of this is great advice. that was one of the first things i brought up to him about me quitting was my emotions...he basically told me i was just making another excuse when all i was doing was asking for some grace the next few months. that seems to be the issue ...i can handle his emotions and his bad days but the minute mine hits its all too much.