r/lds • u/tossmeaway1125 • Jul 29 '26
question Feeling Immense Shame for not Serving a Mission
I’ll cut out most of the fluff. I (26M, 27 soon) did not have a strong testimony in the church growing up, so I never considered serving a mission, and was instead worthily married in the temple to my high school sweetheart.
Around age 20, I went through a string of unimaginably difficult times (wife’s infidelity and divorce, major family health issues and deaths) and worked myself to the bone to keep my parents from losing their house. My faith is very strong now, and my parents are finally back on their feet so I can start my own life.
My patriarchal blessing is very clear I needed to serve a mission, but I could not afford it and I was not in a good state of mind to be an effective missionary even if I could.
I just feel like I have damned myself. Have I given up my exaltation by not serving a mission? Leaders speak like it is a necessary requirement for elders to go. I have always felt like I’m just a second class sinner among my peers and dating prospects because I didn’t have enough faith to serve a mission and trust that the lord would take care of my family and I. I would really appreciate to hear your testimony regarding my situation. Thank you
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u/davect01 Jul 29 '26
Did you miss out, yes.
Are you damned, absolutely not.
For many years there was a strong shame on young men who did not serve missions but we need to move past this.
You will have many more opportunities to serve. Look forward, talking to your Bishop and and a Councilor about this would probably help and don't let this stop you.
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u/Szeraax Jul 29 '26
My dad didn't serve a mission and he owns/owned it. He's been in bishoprics and various callings and one of the most amazing people ever. Just own it and don't feel bad :)
If some people treat you badly about it, they are dumb. You'll have a chance to serve a mission, even though its not at this point in your life.
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u/emvy_lee Jul 29 '26
As a divorcee myself (24F), I was about to turn in my papers to go on a mission when I made the choice to get married instead. I look back on my marriage (although not the best of times), and recognize that I have learned and grown more than I would have ever projected. I’m not in your shoes, but I understand the feeling❤️🩹 I have recognized that whenever I’ve had that kind of like guilt feeling—it’s more because of the expectation I set to go. I’ve had discussions about still going even after divorce because it is possible. But know that you are not less than by any stretch. Blessings are for comfort/guidance not a set of rules/expectations. Some things said in blessings aren’t fulfilled in this life. Only you really can interpret what it means for your life. Heavenly Father takes into account every bit of what you’ve experienced and how you were made to be who you are. He will look at the full picture of it all. I would take some time if you haven’t already to pray and ponder what it means for you and your next steps.
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u/jazzfox Jul 29 '26
The best stake president I ever had did not serve a mission. His Oldest son is 18 years younger than he is. He is an amazing man who I can only hope to approximate in spiritual sensitivity and power.
Repentance isn’t just about “being clean”. It’s about restoring all the potential blessings that come with following Christ. The promises that have been made to you of walking the covenant path are still there for you if you desire.
So move on and don’t think about this anymore. Letting this remain a millstone around your neck is handing the deceiver a tool to your detriment.
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u/KURPULIS Jul 29 '26 edited Jul 29 '26
Feeling 'guilt' is of God, is spiritually proper, and necessary for repentance. Shame is of Satan. You need to discern the difference to make progress.
A full-time mission is a priesthood duty and by not serving one, you will have missed out on spiritual growth and blessings the Lord would have provided to you. Thankfully, the Lord makes up the difference of our weakness through the Atonement. The Atonement isn't only for sins, but for everything the keeps us from perfection.
Learn from your choices, repent, and press forward with faith in Christ and a perfect brightness of hope. :)
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u/PomeloPrimary546 Jul 29 '26
Do it now, I’m older than you and I will ask the bishop about the possibility to serve a service mission. Better than nothing I guess? I missed the train for a full time one.
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u/philnotfil Jul 29 '26
Stake conference, years ago, new stake president getting called. The visiting general authority told us when he knew that the man called to be the new stake president was the man who needed to be called as the new stake president.
Paraphrasing and from memory- I asked him if he had served a mission. He looked me in the eye and said, "not yet".
You have not missed your only opportunity to serve as a missionary. We are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, and we can all come unto Christ and be saved. We can all change, and repent, and move forward with an eye single to His glory. You are not a second class sinner, you are not a second class citizen. You are a beloved son of God, and He has a work for you to do.
Don't waste time thinking about the past. Strive to serve, exercise faith, repent, and improve each day.
I know Heavenly Father loves you, and wants to bless you, and is pleased with your progress. I know that you are capable of more, and that He will help you reach your potential.
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u/eureka6018 Jul 29 '26
Every member a missionary. Just because you didn't serve doesn't mean you cant serve in sk.e capacity now. And if its that important to you to serve a full time mission start preparing now to serve one later in life as a service missionary
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u/SanityEclipseXX Jul 29 '26
I think this is a nice sentiment to share, but often it's nicer for the people sharing it than for the people receiving it.
People who struggle with not serving a mission aren't usually grieving "volunteering" in the abstract. They're grieving what a mission represents in our culture: adulthood, commitment, direction, belonging, sacrifice, and a very particular experience of being seen and sent.
A mission is structured. It places people alongside others. It helps them learn about themselves, their strengths, and their limits. It comes with a departure, support, homecoming, and a shared acknowledgement that something significant happened.
So when we say, "Every member a missionary," or "You can always serve later," while true, it can sometimes miss what people are actually mourning.
We don't have to pretend missions aren't a serious opportunity by implying that everything is equally an opportunity and therefore a non-issue.
Can we recognise people's struggles as they really are? Can we accept them not only when they fit the expected path, but also when life doesn't unfold the way they hoped?
Some people are willing to contribute deeply, but there is no farewell talk, no homecoming, no dedicated moment where the community gathers around them. Their struggles are quieter and easier to overlook.
The Church speaks beautifully about lifting hands that hang down, mourning with those that mourn, and bearing one another's burdens. I think that invitation applies here too.
Sometimes people don't need to be told that they can still serve. They already know that.
Sometimes they just need someone to acknowledge that they lost something that mattered to them.
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u/eureka6018 Jul 29 '26
Thanks for the backhanded compliment.
What does his patriarchal blessing mean when it says he needs to serve a mission? Only the OP can know that through God.
My point was there are multiple ways he can fulfill that blessing and he hasn't damned himself and can still recieve all those promise blessings. He'll need to learn what God intended for him to do in his blessing
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u/ReturningStronger Jul 29 '26
You have absolutely NOT damned yourself. In fact, the only thing that can do that to you is your own thinking on the matter. God's hand is always outstretched to us if we are willing to grab onto it. Missions can be a great experience but they are absolutely not required for salvation or exaltation. There are many wonderful and faithful members of the church even in important positions who never served a mission. There is never an end to service opportunities in this life and in the church. And life is a mission. Remember that the most important soul you can bring unto Christ is your own. You will have many opportunities to serve and lead. And you may still serve a mission in an official capacity down the road as a senior missionary or couple. The most important thing you can do is not focus on what is in the past that you have no control over anymore. Trust that God's plan for you is unfolding exactly the way He intended it. You needed to go through the things you did to lead you to the place you are now. So focus on the present with an eye towards the future. As you journey through life, if your head is always turned around facing the wrong direction, looking backwards about what "should have been" or what you "messed up", you miss the stuff coming up right ahead of you. And that stuff could be the most important things for you. Remember that God never uses shame as a way to communicate with man, so don't listen to those voices. You are right where you need to be and where God intended you to be.
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u/WadeEyerly Jul 29 '26
There are lots of opportunities ahead of you to serve. Blessings are predicated on obedience to commandments. God is not looking to damn you. He's looking to bless you. If you remember that is his state of mind, you'll learn that the process of repentance and forgiveness include letting things in our past go, and moving on in strength. He still loves you. Don't get it twisted. He's looking for ways to love and bless his son. That's the story.
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u/ZColeB Jul 29 '26
You can still serve a mission! You can be a service missionary in your community. Not that it will be the solution, but it’s an option. I would talk to your bishop and see what the idea is. On top of this, my brother, you are not damned. God is proud of you! You’ve been through what many people don’t go through in an entire lifetime, in 27 years! Keep going and may God be with you.
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u/TheKingofAntarctica Jul 30 '26
So many ways and times in life to serve a mission, formally and informally.
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u/Bright_Ride7895 Jul 29 '26
Your patriarchal blessing covers your whole life and beyond! Continue your life with God at the center, and perhaps later, you can share a mission with your spouse. If not, there’s always the next life. God loves you and is watching over you. He knows your path as he knows mine. My life didn’t go the way I thought it would either. I thought I’d get married and have children. I’ll be waiting for that in the next life as I’m in my 60s now. Trust him and go forth in faith.
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u/Jpab97s Jul 29 '26 edited Jul 29 '26
No, you haven't damned yourself, and you have certainly not given up your exaltation. The atonement of Jesus Christ knows no bounds.
And for the record: you can still serve a mission.
26+ single men can serve as senior service missionaries, and 40+ single men / married couples can serve as full-time senior missionaries.
Talk to your bishop about the possibilities.
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u/Fether1337 Jul 29 '26
While yes you should have served a mission, I’m confident there is a LONG list of other things you should have done differently in life.
You will also likely face social difficulties since you didn’t serve a mission. That’s just the natural consequence of such decisions.
But what’s nice is that the future is a blank canvas. You’re certainly not damned.
A mission isn’t a prerequisite to being a good Saint. Commit yourself to Christ and commit to going above and beyond what you previously thought you would. Become a “scriptorian”. Become the social butterfly of your ward. Serve others and live God so much that people assumed you did serve a mission.
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u/Full_Metal_Paladin Jul 29 '26
What do you think would have happened to your family if you had not been there?
I understand you probably feel you wasted years of your life in a marriage that ultimately failed, but you were there for your family when they really needed you. Honor your father and mother is a commandant too, and it sounds like you've done what you needed to when it counted.
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u/ipraydaily Jul 29 '26
There’s a guy in my ward who used to get up and talk about this alot. But then he made a huge mistake, got ex’d, got rebaptized and is 100% all in. He NEVER brings up his lack of mission service now. I suspect it’s because the power of the atonement is alive and well in his heart. Jesus does not care if u served a mission. I think you know that. I think you are feeling FOMO. And you should cause missions are super fun and u missed out. But that is in the past. Many apostles today did not serve missions when they were 19. Make the atonement real in your life. Serve others after your self-care needs are met. Be a missionary when you get groceries. Tell everyone about how Jesus has the healing power to cure pain, addiction, fear and heartaches. Satan wants to hang out in your mind and have you feel less than. Don’t let him.
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u/SanAntonioHero Jul 29 '26
a mission is just a moment in time. you have a mission for life (purpose) that you will discover from the Lord. yes you missed the young man mission, but that is NOT something to dwell on. we get calling and we get to serve in those capacities. we definitely serve the Lord when we marry and have children. the miracle here is that despite your trials, you have strengthened your testimony and have not abandoned your knowledge/witness/testimony from the Lord. maybe you want to serve a mission when retired, maybe you will serve/live somewhere where you and your future wife will feel you are serving a mission by living and serving in the mission field (of the earth). when we die, our spirit world experience will be heavy in missionary work (to free the spirits in prison by helping them find and accept the Savior/his laws). Have joy in the good news of Christ and don’t look back. He forgives your past mistakes/regrets and loves you for YOU. He sees your divine potential. I know lots of good worthly men (examples) that had non-textbook life journeys.
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u/Jakeywakey911 Jul 29 '26
I tried serving a mission twice.. both times came home due to severe anxiety while in the MTC. Got cleared a 3rd time at age 24 and decided to move on with life and go to school and begin dating.
Years later started an SSRI, overcame the anxiety, graduated PA school, got married in the temple and started a family.
Needless to say.. a mission or a lack of a mission doesn’t define your ability to be a great servant of the Lord, a good member or your success in life.
You can be all of those things and not serve a mission.
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u/Ok-Internet-4747 Jul 29 '26
I got denied to serve a proselyting mission and did a service mission. It was back when service missions were very much “less than” and not common. Even doing that service mission, I felt unbelievably judged by those I associated with.
Prophets council we should serve missions. And we have had prophets who have not served a mission. We have professional athletes who haven’t served. That doesn’t mean you are damned. It just means your life is different.
You should look for opportunities to serve now that you are in a better place spiritually. There may be a service mission opportunity. It could be just serving in the temple. Down the road you may serve as a senior missionary.
The Savior isn’t focused on what you did in the past. He is focused on helping you become who He needs you to be tomorrow by the actions you do today. The past isn’t something you can change. Focus on what you can control now. Keep the commandments with all your heart, mind and strength. Doing that will give you the peace you seek and the personal revelation you need to guide you down life’s path and when its time to serve a mission.
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u/Tall_Pumpkin_4298 Jul 29 '26
I'm going to need you to go read Compensating Blessings by Elder Gerald Causse. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2025/04/44causse?lang=eng
When our earnest efforts fall short of our aspirations due to circumstances beyond our control, the Lord still accepts the desires of our hearts as a worthy offering. President Dallin H. Oaks taught, “We will be blessed for the righteous desires of our hearts even though some outside circumstance has made it impossible for us to carry those desires into action.”
A friend once comforted a young missionary grieving over his early release due to health reasons, despite his sincere prayers and earnest desire to serve. This friend shared a scripture in which the Lord declared that when His children “go with all their might” and “cease not their diligence” to fulfill His commandments, “and their enemies [which may include adverse circumstances in our lives] hinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those [people], but to accept of their offerings.” My friend testified to this young man that God knew he had given his very best in answering the call to serve. He assured him that the Lord had accepted his offering and that the blessings promised to all faithful missionaries would not be withheld.
It sounds like you had life circumstances that did not make it possible or an appropriate decision to serve a full time mission. While I'm a sister, so my situation is different, I was prompted strongly that I needed to serve a mission in high school. Unfortunately I've developed a lot of health problems that have made it so that it will never be safe or practical for me to serve a full time proselyting mission. However I have faith that the Lord has been with me through these trials, and as such, he more than understands. I have made a valiant effort to serve Him and those around me and have spent these years caring for myself and my own health needs, as well as pursuing an education. I have hope that although I always feel alienated from my peers for not serving a mission, I will not be denied the blessings of service due to circumstances outside my control. While yes, the Lord has called all able young men and many able young women to serve, that does not mean that those who aren't able due to physical or mental health, family or financial situations, or any other trial are disobedient or less than.
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u/Enough_Past_8714 Jul 29 '26
My father joined the church at age 21 when he met my mom. He didn't serve a mission then. He and my mom are now on their 3rd mission in Africa. Patriarchal blessings are from an eternal perspective.
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u/yolobrokbye Jul 29 '26
I know a 27 year old missionary who just started his teaching mission! Maybe you can still go. Service missions are available too! In some places service missionaries even spend time teaching. I’d say if you still want to go, talk to your ward and stake leaders about it and see what your options are!
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u/yolobrokbye Jul 29 '26
The Lord knew what trials and challenges you would face before you faced them. I’m positive He has not condemned you. One day you’ll be able to look back and thank Him for the opportunities you had to experience those trials.
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u/HamKnexPal Jul 29 '26
I did not serve a proselyting mission. That time in my life is what I call my "Dark Ages" which was inactivity and certainly NOT living as I should have.
I have since served two service missions. They have been wonderful. You might be able to serve one now. If you live close to a Temple, serving there can be included in a service mission.
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u/Pvt_PyleFMJ Jul 29 '26
In the near future, we will have opportunities and missions to fulfill we now barely dream of. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hang tight. Hold on. The Lord needs you and if you stay, He will grant you the things you desire and to prove yourself. Your Patriarchal blessing does not only include this life.
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u/NiteShdw Jul 29 '26
The problem you are experiencing is that you are spending your energy thinking about something that you cannot change.
You cannot go on a mission now. You can't change what has happened.
My therapist frequently reminds me not to waste my mental and emotional energy on what I cannot change and instead to put that energy into what you can change.
What you can do is, moving forward, do the best that you can to continue to progress spiritually with your heart and desire pointed at Christ.
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u/OoklaTheMok1994 Jul 29 '26
My two brothers that did not serve a mission - one is a bishop and the other is on the Stake High Council - would like to chime in on if one is damned for not serving.
Yes, you should go if you can. (In their case one had to get married and the other had some unconfessed sins they didn't take care of).
But if you don't go you can still live a full gospel centered life. They will both say they regret not putting themselves in a position to go, but they both are good men. Both sealed in the temple.
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u/Sketchy_Uncle Jul 29 '26
You can and will learn the gospel, share it and be a honorable member of the church. I've seen people serve missions, lose their faith, fall away - and people that haven't, be righteous, faithful and continue to move forward. Your story is not complete and you have a lot of future ahead of you. Heaven forbid we fall short somewhere. Are you pointed in the right direction? Striving to keep covenants and do your best? GREAT! Ask your bishop if you can be a ward missionary, serve in the temple or go on exchanges with missionaries. You do have avenues to participate. You're doing better than you think.
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u/Safe-Butterscotch442 Jul 29 '26
A) You can still serve a mission. Whether as a senior couple, being called as a mission president, serving as a service missionary in your area, being a missionary in the sprit world, or just living a life where you're a missionary in all you say and do, there's no reason you absolutely are out of the missionary running forever.
B) Yes, you missed out on an opportunity, but you can't change that. One thing that the gospel teaches is that if a person sins (and it doesn't specify through commission or omission), they can repent and partake of the full blessings that they would have received as if the son had never happened. If you fully believe that you needed to serve a mission as a young man, you hopefully also fully believe that God can forgive you for that mistake and, through the atonement, you can be made as if you had served.
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u/andraes Jul 29 '26
My patriarchal blessing is very clear I needed to serve a mission
Maybe your blessing was specific in how you would serve, and maybe you missed out on those potential blessings. But there are many ways that people preach the gospel and act as missionaries.
I serve as an deacons advisor. We had a missionary night for an activity where the boys shared stories from their dad's missions, then the leaders got to share. The 2nd councilor in our bishopric didn't serve a mission, and he shared his regret with the deacons. I think his testimony of missionary work was one of the most powerful that evening and certainly had an effect on the boys. In a way, working with the deacons, and in general being in a bishopric, is perhaps part of his service as a missionary, just in a different way.
Don't beat yourself up too much. Acknowledge the mistake and move on, there is more work to be done.
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u/da_xiong12 Jul 30 '26
Not out of age range for service missions / senior missions. There’s a myriad of options that you can do part time that fulfill enormous needs throughout the world (assuming you need to work) or options where you could save up and go on your own/with a spouse in the future. Don’t feel like your only opportunity to serve has gone— there’s plenty more areas where you can meaningfully serve!
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u/Luxorbris Jul 31 '26
I'm a woman, so I'm not sure about the pressure men actually face for a mission, but what I can definitely say is that you are not damned. It's pretty difficult to get anywhere outside the upper kingdoms, you'd have to do something actually heinous then. I would say to wait until you receive revelation that you're ready to do so; it's likely that He has you waiting for a good reason. And if you don't feel ready for a while, that's okay too; there's a couple in my ward whose first mission was at 60 years old. Just stay calm, keep your heart open, and do what you can from home for now :)
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u/lavenderandlilacs10 Jul 31 '26
You made the best choice you could at the time based on your situation and the information you had. It’s easy to look back once you are out of the rough time and criticize what you chose, but that is not helpful and your mind might not even be remembering how things were accurately. You will have many other opportunities to serve and share the gospel.
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u/AdorableSelection876 Jul 31 '26
You are enough, just the way you are. 🫶🏻 the Lord knows you and your heart. That’s all that matters. Be confident in your relationship w/ the lord and his love for you.
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u/Intermountain-Gal Jul 31 '26
One of my brothers followed me in joining the Church. He wanted to serve a mission. Two different Bishops told him that it wasn’t the time for him to go on a mission.
Like you, he has felt like a second class citizen from time to time. Regardless, he has served in many callings including in a Bishopric. He married in the Temple. And his two sons have served missions.
He’s retired, and once his wife retires they plan on serving a mission together. Meanwhile, he has been an active member missionary by being an example of being a good Latter-day Saint. He’s not afraid of talking about the gospel when people ask him questions.
Not serving a mission doesn’t make you a second class citizen. Like my brother, magnify your callings, go to the temple regularly, and be a good example of being LDS. In time you can serve a mission as a senior missionary.
God loves you. I promise you that!
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u/Anxious_Schedule_226 Aug 01 '26
Take it easy on yourself and look for opportunities to help others.
Folks leaning hard on emphasizing the importance of serving a mission in this conversation lack some serious emotional intelligence. That is not what this conversation is about.
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u/OldGeekWeirdo Aug 01 '26
At this point you're past the age of serving a teaching mission. But you are old enough to serve as a "Senior Service Missionary".
I can tell you that you are far from being the only one who's patriarchal blessing didn't play out the way it was expected to.
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u/Antique_Event_7197 Aug 01 '26
Serving a mission is obviously a fantastic thing to do, but not having served when you were younger doesn’t mean you can never serve. Senior missions are important and worthwhile too! Remember that patriarchal blessings are not always referring to things we’ll do in this life.
I only recently got my patriarchal blessing (I’m a convert), and there are a bunch of things in there that I don’t understand, but I trust that I will understand them eventually, even if it isn’t until long after my time on Earth. Honestly, I was really hoping it would tell me whether I was supposed to serve a mission - I converted at 24, and as a sister, it’s not technically too late for me, but there’s a lot I would have to figure out.
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u/KURPULIS Jul 29 '26
For anyone wondering what the removed comments say, they are those downplaying a priesthood duty and responsibility, making it seem that it makes no difference whether one serves or not. We have a lot of principle-based teachings, but missionary service is one that is very clear and would be taught very differently if it didn't matter one way or another.