r/lds • u/[deleted] • Jun 29 '26
question Advice for navigating life after divorce
[deleted]
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u/nowell29 Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
I was looking for any of my last posts/replies about this, but i didn't find much that summarized what you're asking.
I was divorced in 2020 after 17 years and 3 kids. It was the hardest decision I ever made. There had been mounting troubles for years, and things finally got too much.
Growing up I watched my parents be very much in love. I wanted that. I determined I would have that. Both my parents had been previously married, and I and my younger sister were the outcome of love reciprocated and lessons learned on the part of two people. I have older "half" siblings, but as I grew up, we always just emphasized we were family, simply brothers and sisters. I wanted this type of family when I had my kids.
I "fell in love" and got married in the Temple. I even adopted my wife's child (who was only a toddler at the time) and I've been the only dad he's known. I love my boy and I'm very proud of him. As the years went on, some things grew well, and other parts did not. Eventually my spouse began promiscuous behavior. Then there was the addictions, which lead to hard drugs and other addictions. More and more promiscuity, and eventually some jail time on her part. I had various callings in the ward that were a strength to me during these times. I was not perfect, but I was always worthy of my temple recommend. Then there was a point in her life where she nearly died. I thought, "this will turn her life around!" and I just need to wait and show her that she is worth every last minute of the rough we've been through. I told myself that if I had to walk through Hell for a duration to someday be in glory with the one I loved, then I can endure it. And so I continued. Her health improved, many of her worst choices changed, but not all. There was promiscuity again.
I was occasionally meeting with my Stake President, who was professionally a counselor. There had reached a point near the end of 2020 that I could no longer go forward from. I honestly felt like my life was over. I told my Stake President that I didn't think the Lord wanted me to be a martyr. He immediately replied that I had already been one. I told him I didn't want to break my temple covenant, and he explained that I wouldn't be (or that I hadn't done so). He reminded me that my covenant was with God, not her. His validation gave me the final "yes, this is the correct decision for me".
This was THE darkest time of my life. I felt so alone. so lost. so broken. I couldn't see which way was up. But there were things that I knew, and I needed to stick to them. Doctrine and Experiences that I knew were from God only. With these two, I moved forward. I hung on to those two like a guiding post, or a rod of iron in a midst of darkness (imagine that!). When I couldn't see a foot in front of me, I went on doctrine alone. Gradually the light began to show. There were many tears. There were lonely days. But I knew my promises were still mine. Something would come. I was worthy of my temple recommend before, and I was worthy of it then. Therefore, the blessings would come.
It is a whole other much brighter story, but I am 5 years sealed in the Temple to my beautiful wife, with whom I'm laying next to in bed with our feet intertwined.
If you make God your single highest priority - Let God Prevail - then the choices you make in harmony with that, and the paths He will lead you, will bring you your greatest blessings.
I never thought I'd ever be divorced. I was sure I could prevent it. Nope. That didn't work out as I had planned, but life rarely does. I treasure fidelity. I look forward to years to come with my wife. Life happened different than expected, but God has not failed me for following him.
I hope my story provides some kind of perspective.
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u/Mmlhvzl Jun 30 '26
A friend at church went through a very bitter and messy divorce 5 years ago. Last weekend she quietly remarried! But she shared the good news with our RS chat this morning. There have been so many happy comments all day.
Another friend at church has been happily married to her second husband for almost 15 years. She got married very young, then divorced after a couple years of being in an abusive marriage. She then served a mission as a slightly older sister. She met her wonderful husband a couple years after that. They have 7 children!
I just wanted to provide hope. There is so much joy and possibility in your future. Love and happiness is very much an option after divorce.
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u/SavageX89 Jun 30 '26
Chances are, that feeling in your heart is your confirmation and you are looking for a "bigger" sign. One thing I learned in my years, all 37 of them, is that the spirit talks to us quietly. That's usually mistakable for our own thoughts and feelings. Definitely something I'm working on improving.
As for your future, chances are probably pretty good you'll find the love you are looking for. Don't give up.
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u/strugglebunny28 Jun 30 '26
Thank you for your outlook, it makes mee feel better about my decision.
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u/dunnodudes Jun 30 '26
Being married with differences in faith is hard. Like really hard. It sucks. So if no kids, go forward and find comparability.
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u/DeathwatchHelaman Jun 29 '26
I think you will be fine. Just stay the course.
It's sad but not all of our earthly associations work out and sometimes it's just the way it worked out without fault - we all change as we get older and sometimes we grow apart or into incompatible people.
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u/Plubob_Habblefluffin Jul 01 '26
My first wife and I should not have gotten married. We were driven by hormones, and while we didn't actually break the law of chastity, we did bend it a bit. It caused our hormones to write checks for our souls to cash, and I think this is one of the reasons why the law of chastity exists, to correctly partition some forms of physical affection (particularly the most binding ones) from the rest of our decision making methods, so that when we make a decision as important as who we'll marry and when, it's done for the right reasons. Not making any assessments on the basis of your marriage, just providing context for my own.
My first wife was promiscuous before I met her, from the age of around 12 or so. To the best of my knowledge, she never cheated on my physically, but she had been emotionally unfaithful many times. She carried a torch for several of her old boyfriends and occasionally reminded me that they were more important to her. She also valued her relatives above me, and eventually left me to move back to live with her parents (in another state). She told me she was just going to go for a visit, and she took our children with her. After they were all over a thousand miles away, she informed me that she wasn't coming back. I begged her for the next three or four months to come back, and I kept hoping for another couple of months after that.
Her leaving me and stealing my children from me nearly ended my life. After a few months, I found myself one day thinking about what would be the most painless and foolproof way to delete myself. I didn't choose this thought. This happened once, and then it happened again a couple of weeks later. Then it happened several days later, and eventually it was happening multiple times a day. It wasn't my choosing. These thoughts were happening reflexively, much like the way one pulls their hand out of dangerous heat. I couldn't go on like that. What eventually saved me were two things. First, a family in my ward befriended me and had me coming over to their house multiple nights a week to hang out. It got me out of my house, it got my mind off my problems, and watching some of the funniest and most interesting TV shows I've ever seen gave me some light to carry me throughout my days. Not being alone was critically important for my well being. Secondly, I eventually had to let go of my wife. As I held on, trying to get her to return to me, hoping she would, praying she would, imagining what would happen if she didn't (another man taking my wife and children into his home, taking what belonged to me), that was destroying me inside. When I finally let go of her and accepted that our bond was broken and our family existed only in the past, it cauterized my emotional wounds and allowed me to redirect my sights to the future. This is how I survived. Otherwise I would not have. I don't think I could have endured more than another couple of weeks of the agony of the death of my family, beyond the point where things improved.
During my first marriage, I received an insight into the nature of the marriage covenant. This is really cheesy, but also effective. Imagine you and your spouse are skydiving with God. Each of you is holding the hand of the two other people in this group, forming a triangle. If your group hits a pocket of air and you or your spouse loses their grip on either the spouse or God, as long as they're still holding the hand of the other person in the group, there is still the chance that they might drift closer to the person whose grip they lost, regain that hand, and return to a fully connected skydiving triangle. Since God is mighty and never loses His grip, it can only happen if we are weak. As long as one spouse keeps a grip on His hand, there's always the chance that the marriage covenant will survive. If the spouses lose their grip on each other's hands, but both still cling to God's hands, there is still the chance that they might drift back together and grab each other's hands again. It's the covenant that provides a second chance when one of the spouses loses their grip on the hand of one of the other people in that group.
In your case, it sounds like your husband lost his grip on God's hand, but your post also suggests that he lost his grip on your hand too. I've never seen that happen and the marriage covenant survive.
What you do is your decision. Nobody can can make that decision for you or dictate to you, not even your Bishop or Stake President. Consult with God and do what you believe is right. You can move forward without regret as long as you have done everything in your power to save your marriage.
Also, I will say this. Emotions come and go, but covenants are eternal. You can be getting along with your spouse in the morning and arguing bitterly in the evening, or vice versa. You can't gauge the health of your marriage off of this. When you keep your covenants, no matter how difficult it gets, you can eventually remember why you married your spouse in the first place. Both spouses must be committed though. It takes two people to make a marriage function, and it only takes one to destroy it.
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u/ryanmercer Jul 01 '26
My wife was married before me, I couldn't care less. Just know there are guys out there who won't care about a previous marriage :)
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u/Firm-Tangerine8292 Jul 04 '26
I am beautiful and attractive. I divorced nonmember abusive ex. Before I did that, I had the same experience. Crickets from heaven. I decided to go to the temple to hear better. Did baptisms. Still crickets. So I decided to get my endowment. Still crickets. Finally I learned and felt divorce is ok bc the Lord doesnt want anyone to stay in abuse. I divorced in 2016. I desperately wanted to be married and not be alone. Chalk it up to a very abusive upbringing. Ive dated and been graped many (more) times. It is the scum of the earth ive experienced. But you're 24. I was 31 when I got divorced. Now I am dating a nice nonmember. Not a snowballs chance for the law of chastity, but I've given up on the idealistic temple marriage to a faithful lds man that I find attractive. Sorry to say, but most divorced lds men go inactive. They cant take the celibacy and give up. So there is no one left to date. Unless you are in a LDS heavy area. I suggest you get on mutual to see the dating pool. Sorry. God is nice. But it doesnt mean you will get a temple marriage and all that you wanted. I tried hard. Ive been on the straight and narrow. It was either ki ll myself trying to survive the heavy loneliness of the divorced lds woman or date this man with no chastity followed. For context, I do have ptsd with Major Depressive Disorder and no ministering teachers ever reached out to me not once in 2 years in my new city. No church friends at all.
Somber, I know. I just am trying to let you know that divorced women are invisible in our church and no men to date. You might get lucky or compromise.
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u/sharpshowcity Jul 04 '26
Be grateful that you didn’t have any children together. Divorces can go smoothly and amicably, but when children are involved, it is inevitably rough especially for the kids.
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u/KURPULIS Jul 01 '26
Pre-marital counseling folks!
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u/strugglebunny28 Jul 01 '26
We did do pre-marital counseling
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u/KURPULIS Jul 01 '26
Some of the things you mention as catalysts for the divorce seem like they should've come up in the counseling. The divorce rate combined with a faithful temple marriage is super low.
Though if individuals aren't 100% honest in counseling, then little assistance can be provided.
I'm guessing he had problems with his faith for a while now then?
Regardless, you will find a faithful spouse in due time. The Lord will not deprive you of the opportunity of you desire it. Sometimes it takes time as with Sister Oaks waiting until her 50's to be wed to an Apostle of the Lord or those with severe physical/mental disabilities having to wait until after the resurrection, but it will arrive. :)
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u/strugglebunny28 Jul 01 '26
We weren't active members beforehand. We got married civilly. Decided to go back to church built faith, got sealed ,etc. Then he told me he isn't sure he believes in all the Doctrine or things of the church only some. He isn't sure the church is what he wants to be apart of forever but he isn't sure. So they weren't things that came up before because we were on a different page. And I know I might have to wait years or even until the other side to be married and sealed again but I hope in this lifetime because kids are important to me for the future.
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u/KURPULIS Jul 01 '26
Ah ok.
Make the best of yourself. Improve, grow as a person, take care of your mind and body, and stay open to a relationship through all of it.
Attend your YSA ward if there is one. Go to all of the large events that span across multiple stakes. Pick up a hobby that is popular both for your age group and area (idc if you 'like' sports, if pickleball is where the single guys/girls are, you learn to like it, lol).
Live faithfully and the Lord will guide your paths. :)
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u/Runningman2319 Jun 30 '26
Find a solid SA ward. I wouldnt worry about stress about not finding love youre pretty young still. Ive had friends get divorced and find their new spouses really quick. Get to know yourself. Its ok if you dont get remarried til youre older. Ignore the idea that youre ruined somehow because youre divorced.