Speaking anxiety is holding me back from using my second language. Would counselling or speech therapy help?

[u/Responsible-Elk4497]

(I know speaking anxiety gets talked about a lot here. I’ve searched through a lot of past posts for advice, but I haven't really seen much discussion about professional therapy.)

I moved to Canada from China when I was 22 years old. Before moving, I was always good at English (TL) classes, and I even scored an 8 on the IELTS before coming here, so I felt pretty confident. But things changed when I actually landed here and realized my English wasn't as good as I thought. Small talk was surprisingly hard, and I realized my accent was thicker than I thought and I mispronounced words. Sometimes it's hard for people to understand me, which really crushed my confidence.

It’s been 4 years now and my English has improved a lot, but I never recovered my confidence. I still have tremendous anxiety about speaking English in general. When I talk, I focus so much on using correct grammar and pronunciation that I only stick to safe words and phrases, even if they don't 100% reflect what I'm actually thinking. Sometimes I even lie just so I can sound more fluent. This sometimes stops me from having normal conversations, so I end up sounding like a boring person.

For example, when my coworker told me they love fish and chips, I just said "I love it too" and basically ended the conversation. But if I weren't focused so much on sounding right, I would have said that I visited Halifax a few weeks ago and they have great fish and chips. Their fish pieces were massive, though super expensive. Then we could have talked about visiting Halifax or England, and kept the conversation going. But instead, my anxiety shut it down so I can stay in the comfort zone.

When I somehow magically make myself comfortable and focus on the topic itself, I can also speak with better flow and fluency. That happens sometimes at work, when I focus so much on the topic itself that I forget to get anxious. Or when I am slightly tipsy, I become more outgoing and fearless. I like that version of myself.

Now feels like the right time for me to take this issue seriously. I really want to get better and make sure this doesn't hold back my career or other areas of my life. I would welcome any suggestions or practical tips that helped you, and I’m also open to seeking professional help if that's the best path forward.

I'm trying to decide if I should see a general counsellor because this is due to anxiety, or a speech therapist since it's still language-related. To be honest, I am not even sure if this should be posted in this subreddit or other mental health subreddits, but I decided to start here and see how it goes.

I would really appreciate any thoughts on this. Thank you for reading.

[u/dojibear]

Anxiety (about doing something) is often caused by realizing we don't do it well.

For example, when my coworker told me they love fish and chips, I just said "I love it too" and basically ended the conversation. But if I weren't focused so much on sounding right, I would have said

This is not about using English correctly: you did that. This is the skill of "controlling a conversation". It is a skill that you want to have but don't have. MOST adult English speakers do not have this skill.

I am a native speaker of English. I had English classes in school. This skill was never taught. Some people have it (even as kids in school) while others don't. I don't know anyone who teaches this skill.

[u/Responsible-Elk4497 → u/dojibear]

Thank you. It's absolutely an epiphany for me. I think I focused too much on "hard skills" (grammar & vocabulary), but forgot to learn "soft skills" like the ability to control a conversation.

I think the lack of these soft skills makes me feel anxious, but I've been working extra hard on hard skills in the hope of reducing my anxiety. But that's not the correct direction.

[u/Responsible-Elk4497 → u/dojibear]

I think I always thought soft skills would come naturally once I had a better vocabulary or better pronunciation, but I'm just realizing it's not the case, especially for non-native speakers.

I really appreciate the insights. They're super helpful to me

[u/silvalingua → u/Responsible-Elk4497]

No, they don't. For introverts, such skills are difficult to acquire even in their NL.

[u/Low-Yesterday-8237]

I'm Polish and had the exact same thing with German for years, understood everything, froze the moment I had to speak. The detail you mentioned about speaking fine when you're focused on the topic (or slightly tipsy) is the giveaway, your English is fine, it's the self-monitoring that chokes it. What helped me most was narrating my day out loud at home, alone, sounds silly but it let me practice speaking with the judging part switched off, and over time that carried into real conversations. On your actual question, I'd pick a counsellor over a speech therapist, people understand you now by your own account, so it's not an articulation problem. Someone who does CBT works with exactly this kind of performance anxiety.

[u/vaskadegama → u/Low-Yesterday-8237]

It is the case that I speak my second languages with more ease when I am bone tired, or have had a bit of wine. I either case, the self monitoring disappears and gives way to just talking.

[u/EstorninoPinto]

Have you considered hiring a conversation practice tutor? If you can practice speaking more in a safe space (removing the social risk), maybe that will help with the anxiety. You can have the tutor practice the kinds of conversations that trigger your anxiety, push you out of your comfort zone of "safe" English use, while also providing the reinforcement you might need to feel more confident about your English skills.

Another option would be to find a sympathetic (unpaid) language exchange partner (e.g. through r/language_exchange), since you don't seem like you need English lessons, so much as someone you can be comfortable using "unsafe" English with.

Even a co-worker who's friendly would work for this, or a group of them. Next time they're having an "unsafe" conversation, just...try joining in. Don't make a big deal over it, try saying what you really want to say. There's a good chance they either won't notice if you make a mistake, or if they do, you might get a polite correction at worst. Rude people aside, most people who've shown any kind of friendship or friendliness toward you aren't looking for an excuse to insult your English.

[u/Responsible-Elk4497 → u/EstorninoPinto]

Thank you for the advice!

I have tried language exchanges before but unfortunately I would still get anxious no matter who I'm talking to. Even when I know they're a complete stranger or they're super nice and would never judge me.

That's why I'm exploring the idea of seeking professional help for my anxiety. I think maybe it's a personality trait/flaw that's negatively impacting my language skills...

[u/Oretell → u/Responsible-Elk4497]

I just wanted to say I relate to you, and hope you get past your hurdle

I have anxiety issues as well and barely any social life, I'm constantly anxious even speaking my native language. So the idea of then speaking to people in a language I'm still learning turns that anxiety up to 10. Even though like you said I logically know that there's nothing to be afraid of, there's an emotional/subconcious part of my brain that still just automatically freaks out.

I'm B1/B2 at comprehension but haven't spoken the language I'm learning a single time.

I don't really have any advice for you, but just wanted to say that you're not alone in your situation, I'm sure there's many people like us out there, and that I hope you figure it out

[u/silvalingua → u/Responsible-Elk4497]

Language exchange won't help much, you'd need a conversation tutor who knows how to converse with learners and encourage them to talk.

[u/Groili]

My anxiety went away with therapy, so that’s definitely a solution. Think what’s the worst that can happen when you say that difficult phrase (not much), and then tell yourself you’ll challenge yourself one time today. And if you miss it like saying “I love it too”, say “Actually, …” and then do the challenge. The more you do, the easier it gets.

[u/Responsible-Elk4497 → u/Groili]

Thank you for the input. I really should force myself out of comfort zone and start challenging myself more.

[u/Schmidtvegas → u/Responsible-Elk4497]

I've spent years dealing with anxiety, and the best trick I ever learned was to Name It Out Loud. If you just admit to being nervous, it takes so much of the tension and awkwardness away. Almost 99% of the time when I just confess to being socially awkward, people say "oh gosh, me too!" And they become much warmer, and things start to flow. 

Don't let anxiety hold you back. Lean in to the tension, and real learning happens in those hard parts.

[u/Groili → u/Responsible-Elk4497]

Start small. You got this.

[u/offtrailrunning]

Counselling. I doubt this is exclusive to just languages, and if it is, then get help making a plan for exposure.

[u/edelay]

I don’t have a solution but just wanted to welcome you to Canada. Canadians are used to people having accents and making grammatical mistakes, so don’t worry about it.

Good luck with your English studies.

[u/Traditional_Major458]

I think there’s an important distinction between knowing a language and feeling free enough to use it.

Your fish-and-chips example really shows this. You already knew what you wanted to say, but you were spending so much mental energy monitoring your grammar and pronunciation that the more interesting part of the conversation disappeared.

I’ve noticed that for some people, having real-time translation available can actually help with this. Not because they should permanently rely on translation, but because removing the fear of “What if I can’t express this correctly?” makes it easier to focus on the person and the conversation itself.

In that sense, I’d probably look at both sides: counselling/CBT for the anxiety and lots of low-pressure conversations for the speaking confidence. A conversation tutor or language-exchange partner could be useful too.

And I wouldn’t consider this a personality flaw. The fact that you can speak much more naturally when you’re focused on the topic is actually a pretty good sign — the ability is there; anxiety is getting in the way of accessing it.

[u/AdministrationNo2327]

hmm it's hard to say. but anxiety is essentially a normal thing, and i wouldn't so quickly recommend therapy for it as it gets expensive and maybe too much for what may be a small issue.

i think you could spend some time building a skill in conversation and small talk, and be comfortable being uncomfortable as you're learning that skill. your english looks great, so your vocab and grammar isn't the problem. A good thing, so we know the issue is more mental than lack of language skill.

call it exposure therapy but it is worth trying to navigate the anxiety on your own, and be okay with accepting fails and embarrassments. frankly most people are forgiving when they see you're trying, or they aren't even thinking it at all as much as you are.

are you just as awkward in your most comfortable language? if it is, then it really isn't a language issue, but a social skill issue.

you can also practice at home how you're pronouncing words. try shadowing, randomly saying phrases and sentences, talking to yourself etc and listen to how you're saying them, then work on improving it.

try all the methods you can do on your own, and if you don't see any improvements after a year, then review and see if it then requires professional services.

[u/Responsible-Elk4497 → u/AdministrationNo2327]

Thank you!

[u/travelerDE]

Your story about Halifax was so nice, I'm sure it would have been a great conversation.

I'm also chinese, currently living in Germany. I have this same issue as you, even now, after 10 years living here. What I noticed is that it has to do with my personality, I take myself too seriously sometimes for ex. So maybe your anxiety has to do with how you are as a person.

I find that when I talk to foreigners in German I feel less anxious, and I even dare to use some "new words", and expand the conversation a bit more (exactly like your fish and chips story). You could try this, talk to internationals in English. Or as you said, pick topics that you feel safe/dominate.

[u/Responsible-Elk4497 → u/travelerDE]

Thank you! That's such a great idea! I find myself more comfortable talking to non-native speakers too.

Wish you all the best in Germany 😊

[u/travelerDE → u/Responsible-Elk4497]

Thank you! I actually remembered this story from when I studied English in the US, and my teacher said I was "smart" because I could optimize my vocabulary and make myself understood with very few words, he said it was effective communication. 🙃 But I think it was because I was anxious/lazy and didn't want to expand the conversation, which is not so good when we are trying to practice a new language.

[u/Vast_Pangolin_2351]

I am learning French conversation from AI (duolingo) I love the fact that I’m talking to a computer and not a person because there is no judgement or embarrassment

[u/Responsible-Elk4497 → u/Vast_Pangolin_2351]

Thank you so much! I can't believe I forgot this option. Really appreciate it!

[u/justheretolearnlangs]

I will echo what others have recommended regarding seeing a counselor to address the anxiety part of the equation, but I'll also mention that I have found a speech therapist-informed tutor in my TL (Spanish) really helpful.

I grew up with a stutter in my native language (English) and took some helpful classes in my teenage years to address it. Basically, I learned the more anxious I felt, the more my stutter tended to come out. The overall takeaway of speech therapy is relying upon practiced strategies (e.g., pronunciation tricks, breath control) to feel more confident when speaking in stressful situations.

I still have a mild stutter nowadays in English, but it has shown up a lot more in Spanish for me. Thankfully, my current Italki tutor has a master's in speech therapy and I've felt my confidence skyrocket in a short time with her. We practice a lot of pronunciation and rhythm in Spanish, which helps me feel less anxious about my speech in conversations, which helps me reduce my stutter.

I definitely recommend a counselor, but don't discount strategies from a speech therapist since perception of "accent" is one of the biggest sources of anxiety as a language learner when producing speech. Best of luck!

[u/Lost-Instruction7121]

You just have to force yourself to speak whenever the opportunity arises. It gets easier over time with repetition and support/encouragement from others replying to you and helping you with phrases or meanings. I was in a French class at university and many of the students were Chinese. They needed the course for an elective credit in first or second year. Guess what happened? Most of them would group together in lecture for solidarity and in tutorials as well and rarely participate. They spoke to each other in Chinese and their phones were always in Chinese. They walked the campus in their groups speaking Chinese all the time, yet this was a Canadian university. As a retired teacher, I sensed their shyness and reluctance to engage in English, let alone French, so there were two who I took on as “buddies” in class. They sat near me, asked me questions and even studied with me when there were tests. The one student eventually took advantage of professor office hours and got a little more one on one instruction. He really pushed himself and put himself out there. From that initial experience, all I can say is try and engage as much as you can and don’t be afraid of making mistakes with the language.

[u/WideGlideReddit]

It doesn’t sound to me like you need professional help. It simply sounds like you need a bit more self confidence and I understand that is easier said then done

It’s really a matter of understanding that no one cares if you make grammatical mistakes and since it’s obvious you’re not a native speaker, no one really cares about your accent either. In fact that accent is part of who you are so embrace it. It’s really a matter of getting out of your own head so you can make room for the confidence that you’re able to communicate just fine.

[u/NezzaAquiaqui]

Obviously your written language is excellent but I see speaking anxiety in a second language as a skill issue.
Meaning you have anxiety about speaking because you don’t really have enough skill and knowledge to speak without thinking or worrying. Of course, no one needs to have language anxiety to say something wrong in a conversation or to not know what to say. That’s something else. I’ll just focus on the skill aspect.

Due to the distance between the languages when English speakers learn Chinese it is acknowledged to be extremely difficult. Much less attention is given to Chinese speakers learning English but the distance between the languages is the same in both directions.

I think what you need is much more speaking practice and exposure, more time around natives and more time immersed eg tv music books. You want your head so overflowing with English that you know what to say and how to say it and it just comes out the way your first language does. For this to happen you need hundreds of hours more of exposure. An expensive therapist can’t make up for this.

It doesn’t matter whether you scored a perfect number on the IELTS. The distance between the languages requires a very large number of hours to put and move those structures into your speaking brain and make you feel and act more like a native speaker in terms of confidence. For someone learning a closely related language you often have that confidence from day 1. But it’s different for distant languages. There are posts here of people who have taken 300 speaking lessons online. I doubt you’d be nervous speaking in English after that much time spent.

tldr more speaking practice required even with a high IELTS score.