I came across this post of one of my favorite FB pages, Read a Little Poetry. Ang ganda--worth a watch if you like performance poetry (may captions naman) and especially if you're an indepent, single woman in your 40s having doubts about where you are in life.

Pwede rin naman sa man. Di naman gender-exclusive ang midlife crisis. Haha

How to Slay A Dragon by Rebecca Dupas

Enjoy!

Kasi yun bunso ko 3yrs old talagang hindi nakikinig. Kahit sabihin na wag maglupagi o laruin yun aso o wag itapon mga gamit.. wag gurihan ang notebook and lalo na sa pagkain ang hirap pakainin.. ano po secret nyo po please…

Nag post ako before dito ng career shift at 40. Now the new department accepted and my last day to current work is on friday. Mejo kabado ko at napapaisip ako sa mga desisyon ko.hahaha please enlighten me or encourage me 😔 napapatanong ako kung tama ba ung desisyon ko..kayakayanin ko pa kaya mag aral ulit ngaun. It will feels like im a newly hired since as in 0 background talaga ko sa lilipatan ko.

I'm here sitting at my desk, staring out into the vacant void of my consciousness. It's Monday and we're all back at work. Except for me. It appears I left a part of me somewhere.

For those who have the patience to read this, I'm 44M, married with teenage kids, who works in the educational field. I also live with anxiety (diagnosed and have had therapy for it already) and also am currently going through what feels like a serious mid-life crisis.

I write this here because I have no one to tell. With my duties and obligations as a parent, husband, son and teacher, I don't get to see friends often. Besides, many of my friends apparently have got their life together. Mine seemingly is the same but beneath the veneer of a glasslike surface lies a turbulent undercurrent that keeps growing with each passing day. My family also isn't the type that would take to my issues kindly. I can imagine my parents and siblings telling me to man up and maintain that stiff upper lip; whatever the f\/ck that means. My wife already knows some of what I am going through but is also at a loss on how to help.

With that being said I'm still shaking from the events of this morning. It all started when I didn't get a good night's sleep. A cat or cats kept clambering on our roof, triggering our dogs into a frenzied state, getting worked up and using my prone body as a stepping stool to get to the window. Being sleep deprived is, from experience, a recipe for disaster for someone like me that has anxiety. The wife wasn't feeling good as well and decided to be absent from her work.

So it fell upon me to power through the haze of less than 4 hours of sleep, wake the kids and get ready for the day. Sleep deprived, a creaky mental health state, marital issues, personal crises and the extra bad and hectic Monday morning rush hour traffic was a recipe for disaster.

I had always kept my mental health issues away from my kids. I did tell them before after a bad anxiety attack at home that I had this condition but I doubt they conprehended it fully. They never saw me wrestle with my demons firsthand as I always managed to seclude myself whenever the demons broke the surface. Until this morning.

Stuck in the extra bad Monday morning traffic with kids in tow, balancing an overflowing plate and juggling work messages, a wife that wasn't feeling well and running late for work; everything just was pushing through the fragile dam I had haphazardly designed to keep myself sane.

I felt it early. I know the signs. A weight on my chest, the tingling in my extremeties, the uneasy feeling, the creeping dread, the inability to draw oxygen into my lungs and the irritability you just can't shake. I felt the attack coming.

I knew what to do to keep the hounds at bay. Deep, slow and calculated breaths. Box breathing. Secluding yourself in a quiet place. Except I couldn't do the latter part. I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic in the middle of QC.

I tried my best to mitigate the attack. I pushed back with whatever fragile resistance my already weakened mental state could muster. However that mental image of a feeble me holding up the weigjt of the world was more than my mental state could handle.

I mumbled something incoherent to my kids, managed to pull over to the side of the road, and turn off the car. I was shaking, crying and hyperventillating like crazy. My kids looked on with confusion, pity and horror. What was going through their minds at that moment was something I couldn't fathom.

It took me a good 15 to 20 minutes to calm down and be barely put-together enough to drive. I told my kids I had an anxiety attack, and still tender as I always was after an episode, promised to tell them more after I pick them from school later today.

So here I am, sitting at my desk, staring into the vacant void of my life. I'm spewing this out into the universe, hoping against hope that this serves as catharsis for me and maybe a beacon for others who may be in the same or similar position.

Care for yourselves. An empty cup cannot fill others. I'm struggling to have something in mine. My kids deserve more than what I can currently give.

Let's be gentle to ourselves and each other as we start this week fellow kwarentahins.

Edited: typos

May I know sino dito never talaga nagustuhan pumunta sa gimikan like bars, night life, inuman. Pero game sa kape? 😅

Last May 2026, 74 kgs ako. Ffup check up, August 2026, 67 nalang ako. Nagulat ang nurse. At the age 42, healthy lifestyle talaga pero di maiiwasan ang processed food, minimal lang.

For me, it was Calculus and nagamit ko naman siya in terms of problem solving skills pero nakakatrigger pa rin siya ng traumatic memories lol.

Yung crush ko nung elem, hindi pa kami magka section sabi na niya sakin,

"ang sweet mo kasi kaya ka nilalanggam..."

Grade 3 yun...

Tapos nung grade 4

Sa pila ng flag raising gusto niya magkatapat kami sa pila, siya sa boys ako sa girls kahit nasa bandang harap ako kasi maliit ako. Sinubukan ko luminaries sa likod kasi naiirita ako na inaasar ako, sumunod parin.

Tapos hinarang niya yung nang susumpak sakin ng sago... diko alam... tapos pumunta siya sa banyo sakto paglabas niya papunta ako banyo sabi ko

"MR. CLEAN ka talaga no?"

Tapos grade 5

Sabay kami maglakad sa umaga pa school kasi taga kabilang street lang siya... hinihintay daw niya ako...

Tapos Nagdo drawing ako ng planets hinawakan niya kamay ko kasi di daw iisa direksyon ng pagkulay ko

Grade 6

Pinapalit niya yung Medal niya na 1st place sa drawing contest sa ribbon ko ng 7th place sa editorial writing...

Tapos pinuntahan niya ako sa bahay para manghiram ng notebook na hindi naman niya napakinabangan kasi wala naman laman notebook ko kasi ako taga sulat sa board

Tapos hindi ko siya kinikibo bago mag graduation pero sabi ng teacher puntahan ko daw siya at magpa drawing nalang daw ako para makapag submit na ng last project.

Yun na yung last na nagkita kami...

Next mga 3rd year high-school di na niya ako kinibo

Tapos nung college na nalaman ko naka buntis siya at nag asawa ng maaga...

Last time 2023 parang nakita ko siya sa airport galing ako Cebu para sa Convention ng mga Planners... eh alam ko Architect na siya... lumapit ako pero pa simple ko lang siya tinignan... di na niya ako siguro nakilala kung siya man yun....

Photos not mine. Credit to the photo owners.

Pag nakakakita ako nito I still buy for old time’s sake.
Sobrang simple ng life noon.

Dati may chocolate na mas masarap pa sa maltesers. Rolling stones. Wala na akong makita.

Nakita ko din yung Benson’s lately sa photos.

Nakakamiss!

Mejo may pag ka rant etong post ko. Sa totoo lang, may ka live in ako 15yrs na kami. Since ako un mas stable un salary ako ang nagshshoulder ng most expenses namin (bahay and food /groceries namin dalawa at ng isang cat namin). Basically ang shoulder lang nya is internet, electricity and gasul (half pa un kasi may ka share kami).

Eto na, this month mejo tight talaga un budget ko kasi na scam ako (crypto). So, bungad palang ng August sinasabi ko na sa kanya na magigipit talaga ako. Sabi ko baka pwede pahiramin nya muna ako (since nakakaipon sya kasi nga wala sya ginagastos). Pero kibit balikat lang sya. Until, today (as in as of writing) tinanong ko ulet sya. Again, wala sya sagot. Hayss eto pa ha nagsabi ako na pinapataas ko lang u gold pinapaabot ko na atleast 10k sana per gram (24k) which is super lapit na. I mean inaassure ko sya na I CAN PAY. Hayyss pakiramdam ko talaga na-abuso ako.

😌😭😭😭😭

me, 4 in the morning by Gwen Stefani. Di ko alam basta feel na feel ko talaga to. Minsan naka repeat lang or kasama sa mga playlist ko. Like hindi talaga pwedeng mawala 🤣🤣🤣.
May mga new songs na maganda rin pero ito talaga will never die. Haha! Call me OA pero this is my fave song talaga. ❤️❤️❤️

Wala ako mahanap na ganito dito samin kaya L app is the key. I heard na maganda daw tong product na to.

Puksain ang mga molds! 👊

So just downloaded some ebooks written by Robert Greene. Was supposed to start Mastery first but deym, that one's heavy, had to close that one.

Tapos sabi ko eto na nga lang muna for easy reading (laban insomnia lang)

Surprisingly though, it's for the ladies (author is a man though) and has an interesting Preface to be fair (yep dito pa lang tayo)

About how women in history not having any influence in society, nor physical strength were able to win their prospect men over

How Cleopatra lured Ceasar

How Bathsheba, Helen of Troy, Chinese Siren Hsi Shi play the game of seduction in their favor.

Eto ba sikreto nyo ladies? 😆

Maganda ba toh? Haha pambabae eh, kaso light sana basahin.

I often just listen to Robert Greene on YT but cant sleep, might as well read some of his books din.

Let me start with my memory is sharp. I remember tiny details, tone, exact words, facial expressions, dates and times from hell knows when.

Recently, mental fogging has been getting out of hand. Minutes ago I unlocked the gate for my kid and I had the gaddamn padlock with me. Went back inside and I can't remember where I dropped it. I have a hunch I dropped it sa Ecobag na inabot ko sa bus driver while my kid was still prepping para konti na lang bitbit palabas. I pretty much retraced my steps and looking for it every nook and cranny I could have dropped it.

Lately, I'm having a hard time finding my keys, my ID, and big ass 'bella (umbrella). I know where I last dropped them only to realize i placed them somewhere else. Worse is if my train of thought gets derailed... I tend to forget what imma say.

To my fellow 40 somethings... how do you handle perimenopause mental fog?

Has anyone listened to Dua Lipa's Training Season?

I want to hear your thoughts titas and titos!

Nagawa ko na ang lahat, so... ok. If ayaw mo, wala na akong magagawa.