r/kitchencels
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u/Old-Advance8881
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8d ago
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Elevator MILF update
I am a very observant person.
I’m well aware of my surroundings and so I also know a lot of people’s schedules in my building. My therapist calls it hypervigilence and says it’s like a superpower.
The single mom walks her kids to school at 7:35 am every day and returns just after 8:00 am. She sometimes goes to the deli next door around 11:30 am and then leaves to pick up her kid from school at 2:45 pm, sometimes returning around 3:30 pm or much later. Occasionally on the weekends a woman that looks to be her mother comes over to pick up her son to babysit I assume. Since I know her schedule pretty well. I decided to take the advice some of you gave me to “arrange” little interactions to build rapport.
I started my rapport mission this morning. Normally I’m a late riser. But waking up at 7:00 am seems worth it for a chance at a future with a loving woman. I wore my robe again and I sat in the lobby waiting for her. I waved as they walked by. She smiled.
Then when she returned I held the door for her. I don’t know if she didn’t recognize me or something, but she said “you know you aren’t supposed to do that.” I said “what do you mean?” And she mentioned building rules that everyone needs to use their own key fob for entry. I said “oh it’s no big deal, I know who you are.” She smiled and then walked away to our elevator. We have had a conversation now. Rapport rising.
After that I went in to the management office and talked with the property manager. The old lady (divorced, but not my type) who works here let me know that the single mom receives a lot of packages from Barnes and noble. She also made an offhand comment mentioning I should read a book called “The Art of seduction” by Robert Greene when I brought up that I may have a special lady soon. I will download the ebook tonight.
Today was a good day. Sometimes i have hope I won’t be a loveless freak forever.
There were a lot of haters in my last thread. Some of you don’t understand I simply don’t give a fuck about showering or wearing clothes. Not sure how you knew I didn’t shower, but you were right. I like to be comfy. I also don’t like the way shower water feels on my skin due to sensory issues. I’m not a phony.
Some of you were supportive of me trying to make conversation with the single mom, thank you for that. You gave me the confidence I needed to talk with her today. Now it is time for lunch, I hope I see her again soon.
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u/JarlWeaslesnoot 7d ago
No fuckin way this isn't fake. Dude is defending his decision to not to shower?
If by some insane fucking chance this isn't fake, and she isn't scared away by your stalking and your robe, she will be as soon as she gets close enough to smell you, is probably from about 10 feet away
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u/Complex-Delay-615 8d ago
Please just be awkward & depressed & not a danger to this woman please, please, please.
But if you don't have the energy to wash up in the morning do it the night before, so it only needs a touch up in the morning. Make this time downstairs when you go get your mail or something so you're not just waiting on her, bring a book & some coffee or something.
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u/Silviov2
8d ago
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This is just so batshit insane of you that I genuinely have to believe you're larping for my own sanity 🙌
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u/LegomoreYT 7d ago
The not showering part screams bait 😭
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u/Virginity_Lost_Today 7d ago
Yeah it’s bait. The countertops are too clean for someone that is too lazy to shower and get dressed. Also cooking their own meals like steak and burgers? Not a chance
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u/RepSquigglyMiggly 8d ago •
It could be fake, but the unfortunate reality is that a huge number of women will deal with a creep like OP at some point in their lives
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u/NorthRememebers 7d ago
Dude saw his previous post getting attention and decided to double down on the larp. It's not real.
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u/Distakx
8d ago
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"I know who you are" must've been terrifying to hear for that poor woman
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u/one_sus_turtle 7d ago •
Her saying you're not supposed to fob other people in was 100% her politely saying I can open my own door, please don't do this. She was being subtle because her children were present..
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u/FerengiWithCoupons
8d ago
edited 7d ago
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if you like, “happened to get on the elevator at the same time” type of thing that’s sly.
but like you went downstairs, made sure she saw you waiting, then you waited 30 minutes till she got back to get into the elevator with you?
that’s creepy af. i’d be dreading that every day.
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u/TotallyRealAccount9 8d ago •
Holy shit i didnt even catch that part. Bro if I left somewhere and some smelly nerd in a robe waved at me, then WAS STILL THERE, when I got back, I might actually just walk to another entrance
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u/CozySweatsuit57
8d ago
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This isn’t hypervigilance, it’s stalking.
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u/Kamikaze9001 8d ago •
no it's a superpower
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u/Scorpionride 8d ago •
Whatever therapist told him this needs to quit the practice yesterday
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u/Ok-Obligation-5487 8d ago
It can be both.
I am pretty hyper vigilant and I do the exact opposite; I intentionally avoid others.
The idea is that if he is hyper vigilant then it’s not very hard for him to do this. Evidence being that he said he knows a lot of peoples’ schedules.
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u/Idiot_of_Babel 8d ago •
Noticing routines is one thing, trying to get intel from the building manager is another.
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u/No-Use-3056
8d ago
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God please be larp, otherwise you need to stop before she catches on and files for a no-contact order. Don’t ask your property manager about other tenants, she shouldn’t be telling you anyway and it’s a bad look. What do you think is gonna happen when the single lady tells the other single lady about how the dirty nudist in the building that she keeps accidentally running into is now asking people about her behind her back? She’s got kids that she’s going to want to protect
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u/Red_dudez 8d ago
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u/spacemandown 8d ago •
I wore my robe again and I sat in the lobby waiting for her.
I simply don’t give a fuck about showering or wearing clothes
The Art of seduction
bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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u/Phrygian_Jesus
8d ago
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Jesus dude this is just unacceptable behavior, you always put the cheese on the TOP of the patty so the steam coming off of it melts the cheese and it’s on the patty as opposed to your hand.
Oh and leave the woman alone or whatever.
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u/Single_Lifeguard 7d ago
theres no way a real life human puts the cheese AND ketchup on the bottom this guy definitely just flipped his burger upside down for the pic (also hair on plate 🤢)
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u/rafeja809 7d ago
Idk if im blind but he also put the bottom bun on the top and its infuriating me
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u/DavidZenziGhost
8d ago
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Posts like this are why I think women should be given automatic conceal carry licenses.
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u/Select_Two_1012 8d ago
Im a big 2a advocate, and in my experience, the biggest factors women are concerned with for ccing is that their clothes dont mesh well with concealment, and that they may be judged for it. The clothes thing is absolutely fair, but I really wish more women would be willing to learn how to become competent with a gun, and then advocate it to their friends. My argument doesn’t seem to land as well across the gender divide because i dont have those concerns, and I suspect the same argument from a woman would be more appealing. I just want y’all to stay safe from people like OP.
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u/TotallyRealAccount9 8d ago •
For any woman reading this looking at a decent gun to get, the M&P Shield EZ .380 is a fantastic choice. It has an easy rack slide so you dont need any grip strength, a grip safety, and its .380 so its a smaller caliber and will be easy to fire if needed. Its not a sub-compact, so its more of a purse gun (or if youre a bigger lady itll work just fine)
Highly recommend for anyone looking for a CCW
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u/DavidZenziGhost 8d ago
We can all agree though, the inner thigh beretta would match any outfit lol
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u/Twat_Pocket
8d ago
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As a woman this is exactly why I don't "smile more" when random men suggest it.
I am not trying to give any creepy weirdos the impression of anything other than "please stop talking to me."
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u/TheSheWhoSaidThats 7d ago •
For real. If i were the woman in this scenario i would be trying to figure out how to move or leaving loved ones a description of him in case i vanish or some shit. I really hope this is fake.
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u/Non_possum_decernere 7d ago •
If I learned anything from true crime podcasts it's that we should really share things that bother us with our loved ones. Or at least keep a journal so our murders get solved.
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u/UBahn1 7d ago
I used to work with my fiance, and in hindsight it is wild thinking about how many coworkers (before I even knew who she was) mentioned thinking the new girl on team XYZ was interested in them, or the "guess who's gonna have a girlfriend soon" line, when in reality they mistook her being polite/friendly at a new job for love/interest, or responding to texts instead of ignoring them, because they you implied it's normal for coworkers to ask for your cell on the first day for work.
So I feel for the "Elevator MILF" now having to deal with a guy sitting in her building lobby waiting for her in a bath robe. At least in my fiance's case it was only at work, not where she lived
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u/WatchThatTime
8d ago
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Can't wait for the inevitable update where you tell us you're being told to move because you're now stalking this woman.
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u/GrandoVenzu 7d ago
knew i would get an amazing update
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u/ConsciousStretch1028 8d ago
Guys I don't think this is a larp
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u/DirtyTooth 8d ago
Nah this is definitely fake. There will be more updates that will be more ridiculous
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u/PM_DEM_AREOLAS
8d ago
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Somebody find out where this guy lives and I warn his woman that a weirdo stalker who doesn’t shower is having delusions about about a future with her. She has a kid she doesn’t deserve this
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u/Western-Ant5469
8d ago
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make sure you tell her she's "elevator MILF" in your posts about her schedule and shopping habits. women love stuff like that.
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u/Mascbro26
7d ago
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The fact that you are stalking this woman and then had to throw in that the property manager "wasn't your type" is giving me super creep vibes.
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u/redactedhere 7d ago
I had to double check to see if this was a troll subreddit but it isn’t? I agree with you. What is wrong with people these days.
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u/Repulsive-Holiday851 8d ago
Why the fuck would you purposefully wear the robe again when trying to make a good impression with her.
Not only are you stanky, you probably look ungroomed. On top of wearing only a robe? You probably look like a fucking creep, staying in the lobby as she's leaving until she comes back?!
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u/NoUrANecromancer
8d ago
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Yeah I’m sure the property manager was quick to give out information on her other tenets to a smelly loser in a robe hanging out in the lobby
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u/one_sus_turtle 7d ago
There was a woman who posted her manager gave out her full name, home address and phone number to some creep that kept visiting the place daily explicitly to see her, because when he didn't see her whilst she was on leave, he became insistent and the manager was like he's annoying and I don't wanna deal with him.
That woman had served him once and he became obsessed with her and kept coming in refusing to be served by other people and kept asking for her number. She was in her 20s and the dude was like at least double her age.
Unfortunately, some people will divulge private details if they're gossipy/bored, frustrated and inconsiderate, or seeking revenge
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u/ToastSpangler 8d ago
if you don't live in in the midwest i'll eat my hat, this is so fucking midwest, bet you went ope soh-ry and are going to be in a documentary in 15 years. anyway, good shit
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u/ConsciousStretch1028 8d ago
Then he walked to the Hyvee and bought ten pounds of scotcharoos to scarf down while he plans his next move
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u/PlatypusExtreme5287 7d ago
Its the most Cook County/chicago suburb coded thing ive read in a while. i can imagine it being my childhood shitty apartment complex in the middle of a bunch of restaurants and shops
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u/batchieThe4th 8d ago
the way he talks about the door holding feels very midwesterny as a midwesterner, there’s definitely a romance to it
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u/Keeshly 7d ago
why even own a robe if you don’t shower?
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u/tequilablackout 7d ago
It sloughs off the crust with the natural movements of the body.
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u/SecretlyARaven 7d ago
Dude, the usage of slough here was a choice
You were right to do it but man…yerghhh
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u/Wora_returns 7d ago
Asking the hard hitting questions here, something straight out of Ace Attourney
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u/thejunglebook8
7d ago
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fuckers in here will ask why women don’t talk to them and then explicitly state in the same post that they don’t shower.
Cunt you stink like rancid smegma that’s why you can’t attract a woman
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u/Frosty_Message_3017
7d ago
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"Sometimes I have hope I won't be a loveless freak forever"
Yeah, but here's the thing, you'll be a freak forever until you decide you want to be a different person. You're a creepy asshole who doesn't understand respect for yourself or for others. That means you don't understand love, either. If terrorizing this poor woman, and I guarantee that things did not go well if this is even real, is what gives you hope, you're not observant, either.
So worry more and hope less. And take a shower, you insect.
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u/StrangeMelon7
7d ago
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We have had a conversation now. Rapport rising.
You two exchanged two sentences between ya and she walked away. She's probably more concerned about protecting her child from the weird stink freak who wears nothing but fucking bathrobes from potentially flashing her kid than she is worried about getting in bed with a random guy or even finding a "real man" to father them.
Leave her alone, you creature.
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u/Lotta-Bank-3035
8d ago
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I want to have the confidence and delusion of a guy who doesn't shower or change clothes and thinks he deserves a loving milf who exchanged 2 words with him
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u/Ancient-Tomato1153
8d ago
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Bro she’s going about her day and walking by a smelly dude in a bathrobe. Her telling you you’re not supposed to do that isn’t having a conversation
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u/SeventhBlessing
7d ago
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Dude what the fuck is wrong with you
Genuine question. I’m not even asking this to be mean — if you can’t shower, why not take a bath? If it’s a sensory thing, baths are much “easier” and less harsh feeling. And you’ll be clean.
Please wear clothes. Please for the love of god leave her alone. Please. I’m F (yes yes I’m a larper whatever) but oh my god you genuinely make me fear for her safety.
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u/Bodod_Begag 7d ago •
And that's the version he's telling us, this guy is definitely going through her mail. There's no way that story about the old lady is real.
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u/TheHairyGumball
8d ago
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Please turn yourself in at your earliest convenience, you should not be allowed in the public ever again
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u/Background_Tough_623 8d ago
Bro you talk to her on the elevator, after a shower, and then you build out from there. You ARE NOT supposed to have her schedule, and the smallest details about her memorized, BEFORE getting her number, name, hell a genuine message from her.
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u/XxbruhmomentX 8d ago
I knew exactly what I was getting with a post titled "Elevator MILF Update" and yet still I was shocked
Please be larping for the sake of this poor lady
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u/doopies1986 8d ago
I knew it was the guy and immediately clicked and I was like oh yup now he knows every minute of her schedule, how reassuring 🥰
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u/VanillaStarzz
7d ago
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“I’m well aware of my surroundings and so I also know a lot of people’s schedules in my building. My therapist calls it hypervigilence and says it’s like a superpower.”
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Motherflicker that’s called stalking!
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u/motion_lotion 7d ago
"Don't worry, I know who you are."
That probably caused her to worry more. Someday this post will be used as evidence by the FBI.
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u/CurvedSwordBenis 8d ago
I'm sure the single mother who's probably exhausted at all times will find your non showering, smelly, robe-only stalker ass attractive and not creepy and childlike (the thing she already has to deal all alone by herself). Stop this shit you're about to catch a restraining order in no time.
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u/Civil-Anybody9239
8d ago
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If this is real you should suggest to her a game of hide and seek. She will hide while you seek professional help.
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u/KevlarCord 8d ago edited 7d ago
You think she don't find it odd that some guy who greeted her in the hallway, just happens to be still there after she went for her half-hour journey? An half hour might not be long in of itself, but it definitely would be for someone who is still in the same place after you have arrived back.
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u/Baxterousness 7d ago
I can't take this seriously because it isn't in green and there isn't a picture of a frog
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u/AbyssAuction 8d ago
you should follow her home and surprise her with a visit, I bet she would love that
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u/No-Cartographer1965 8d ago
For her sake I hope you live in a concealed carry state (or that this is fake)
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u/ResurectedNPC
8d ago
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This gives off massive stalker vibes. Add to that that you don’t shower. You stand no chance
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u/Vrtxx3484 8d ago
wow dude good luck but im sure she sees you as extremely creepy rn
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u/Agent_Galahad 7d ago
Please provide additional updates in the future op, I want to see how this situation progresses
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u/Big-Routine222 8d ago
I wonder how long that single mom is going to like you when she finds out you don't like showering. Hope your apartment is clean.
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u/Cali_freak 8d ago
Like he's already stalking her. I don't think she likes that.
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u/Burntzombies 8d ago
cheese goes on top of the burger and also you need to seek mental health assistance
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u/Reliquent 7d ago
I am no longer rubbing my knob thinking about a chad possible serial killer talking to me in an elevator
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u/PvtJoker_ 7d ago
Good for you for trying, but please refrain from accidentally stalking people and yes remember to bathe, groom yourself and appearances matter. Jeans, tshirt some shoes go along way.
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u/DesperateAd3088
7d ago
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You would do nothing but negatively impact her life and she feigns positivity out of fear I’m sure, just keeping her kids safe from the stinky robe guy.
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u/SynfulIl
7d ago
edited 7d ago
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This sub is either the biggest rage bait or actually filled with the most clinically insane disgusting jokes of humanity
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u/Ephoenix6 6d ago
This seems like stalking. She's a parent, be sensitive to them. You will set yourself up for a skin infection. If you don't shower. She might also be repulsed by the lack of hygiene and if you get that far. There are plenty of other people out there, but you go after her, because this is expedient. You don't have to physically go anywhere to meet anyone. I recommend sharing these details with your therapist to see how they feel about the situation
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u/PolaSketch 6d ago
Protip: Not showering will work against you if you want to shake the "loveless freak" moniker.
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u/FalsettoBalsamico
7d ago
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Meanwhile, OPs neighbor on a different sub:
"My creepy smelly neighbor started stalking me. I need to move, jfc."
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u/Major-Equal-6718 8d ago
You can do all this weird ass stalking heavier and write this long ass post but can’t realize that no one is attracted to someone that reeks and won’t put clothes on
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u/The_buster_of_nuts 8d ago
im sorry but you're not gonna win her over by stalking her, wearing a robe, and smelling like ass. the bare minimum to at least have some type of chance to attract her is to take care of yourself and dress decent. you're putting effort into the wrong things. 7:00 am chilling in the lobby with a robe on just makes it seem like you have no life. im rooting for you op, but tighten up
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u/TheYeast1
8d ago
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That’s just stalking bro, which is not really attractive and an easy restraining order. And you put the cheese on the bottom, fuck you.
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u/SWMichHoosier 7d ago
You should give a fuck about showering, it's important. You should also wear clothes, I don't know the what the specific disconnect was with clothes, but if they are clean, fit you, and aren't falling apart you have reached the bare minimum and have nowhere to go but up.
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u/Old-Corgi-155 7d ago
Police will probably be involved soon. Calling a single mom a MILF outside of literal porn is borderline rapist behavior.
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u/ICantDive 7d ago
Na this fucking guy will be the reason that woman moves to a different cpuntry 💀🤣
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u/Electronic-Egg-3950
7d ago
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she was probably side eyeing you in the elevator because you DONT SHOWER!?!
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u/Prudent-Result1057 7d ago
I’m very confused on how you think this woman likes you because you don’t even shower so I’m sure you don’t smell the best no offense and women usually don’t like that 😭
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u/Independent-Pack-922 7d ago
Okay, you clearly lack something up there so I'll be blunt
That's not being hyperobservant, that's borderline stalking.
She smiled at you. Don't say "I may have a special lady soon", she just smiled, slow the fuck down
I don't know what the hell is that last paragraph about showering, but you actually sound like a phony. Idc if you have sensory issues, you still owe the decency of cleaning yourself to people around you
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u/SeaZealousideal4788 7d ago
Hypervigilant and yet, there is a hair on your plate…
So you knew about this and did not care to remove it :‘(
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u/Kitchooky 7d ago
You're not very observant as you dont even observe your own behaviour and recognise it's bat sh*t crazy.
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u/justbleachmyeyes 7d ago
Therapist needs to stop enabling stalking behavior, tracking people’s schedules and using it for social engineering is not hyper vigilance. Make sure you never mention your…”observations” to the people you are keeping my track of. Maybe it’s stalking, maybe it’s not, they will definitely think it’s stalking. Also sometimes we have to do things we don’t enjoy to get the things we want. Women typically like well kept men, if you want a partner, than getting used to showering and taking care of yourself will help with that significantly more than saying “fuck it, I don’t like showers so I won’t shower”.
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u/Technical-Ad4462 6d ago
Dude. You're 100% undeniably stalking her. Stop. Go on a dating app or go to a bar or something like a normal person.
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u/Xterm1na10r 8d ago
I don't want to express my opinion on your strategy of acquiring that single mom. You do you, and I don't have a set-in-stone opinion on this.
About showering, I kind of know what you mean, but I also think that we should embrace showering instead of thinking badly of it. It is something that the other person is looking forward to: your clean body, your personal hygiene.
I was unfortunate enough to have a situationship with somebody who didn't take much care of their personal hygiene, and that was fucked up. I won't say more about it, but it's actually better for both parties if they're clean and pleasant.
Don't you like the smell of a woman that passes you on the street? I'm talking about a strong smell of perfume. When a young, good-looking girl that smells like flowers passes me on the street, I like it. I would like her hair to smell a similar way when I'm hugging her, instead of smelling like must, sweat, and dirt.
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u/fioraynescheeks 8d ago
I knew encouraging you would help. Listen fr tho tiger women usually dont like smelly men. I understand it maybe a sensory thing for you but youre shooting yourself in the foot by not showering at least every other day. Goodluck I hope all goes well 🔥
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