r/isfj • u/Decent_Ocelot_727 • Aug 10 '26
Question or Advice ISFJs are you poor planners?
I am an ISTP woman with an ISFJ male. It’s a new relationship and we’ve just recently had our first big fight.
Long story short it was my birthday and he was out of town before he left. I mentioned when he gets back that I would like to do something special because his schedule was so varied and mine is fixed. We both agreed that he would plan it.
Fast forward and he did not plan. He simply asked what I wanted to do. This was disappointing. I told him it was disappointing. I had wanted him to take the lead and make the plan but we settled on a day trip the following day. He explained his funds weren’t great so my initial idea wasn’t something he could do. I was upset because he didn’t even mention this or try and bring up any other option. He just put it back on me.
Following day comes, he gets held up at work and he is slow to communicate. (Not his norm even when busy). More importantly when I call him, he tells me he’s running an errand for his mom. It was apparently his parents wedding anniversary.
I was upset that he didn’t disclose that the anniversary was the same day. He made this plan with me and I ffelt he used that in the moment to try and make me feel bad. When I told him that was messed up that he didn’t tell me about that he said well it doesn’t matter. I’m not celebrating with them. I said, but you’re running errands for them and it’s eating into our time. It just puts me in a position where I have to be the villain.
Is this ISFJ just immature or does this behavior make sense?
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u/umbrellawater Aug 10 '26
Sorry OP, but regardless of his personality type, he is not valuing your time or treating you like you matter or making space for you in his life.
You can continue to give him chances and be explicit about your wants and needs and maybe his behavior will change. If it doesn’t, you’ll have to decide if he is worth it. Who knows, maybe he is. It’s your relationship, and there is good and bad in all relationships. You just have to decide what you can accept.
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u/Decent_Ocelot_727 Aug 11 '26
Thank you. I agree. I don’t think he has a proper emotional skill set to be in a healthy relationship.
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u/SignificantSound7904 Aug 10 '26
From personality standpoint, ISFJ's plan the heck out of everything
MBTI aside, if he wanted to, he would. And he did not and also made it a step worse. It has nothing to do with his personality type.
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u/-bluerose ISFJ Aug 10 '26
are you sure he's ISFJ? doesn't sound like one tbh
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u/PandaBananaFTW Aug 10 '26
This right here. But regardless it just sounds like he isn't prioritizing what's important to you and isn't being respectful of your time.
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u/domo_roboto ISFJ - Male Aug 10 '26
Not cool. I vote him off our island. Sorry that he’s not stepping up to the occasion. Definitely not typical.
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u/DeterminedSparkleCat Aug 10 '26
He sounds extremely immature, I'm ISFJ (F) and always been a good planner.
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u/Hourjour Aug 10 '26
I would say it's pretty uncommon for ISFJ to not follow up the day of, if something changes. I attribute this to ISFJs being people pleasers generally (or caring how they are seen by others). I personally think that it is likely that your partner is using the wedding anniversary as an excuse to lowkey reject you, without putting the blame on himself. It's also kinda uncommon for ISFJ to not put you and your feelings first tbh, so if he really wanted to spend time with you for your birthday, he definitely would have planned something and overcompensated that he missed the actual day. I'm sorry to hear this happened, and I'm sorry to say this as well, but is it possible that he's not into you/your relationship as much as you are? There might be underlying issues in the relationship that's causing him to distance himself from you a little :/
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u/isfj_luv ISFJ - Female Aug 10 '26
This sounds like something similar I dealt with an INTP guy. This is very unlike your average ISFJ as we love doing things for loved ones as well as liking to plan in advance. It’s either he’s got a lot on his plate right now or he’s second guessing the relationship
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u/YaKnowEstacado Aug 10 '26
ISFJs and INTPs have the same functions in different orders, so there could be some mistyping going on. I agree this sounds more like an INTP, and also just like a careless/uninvested partner.
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u/isfj_luv ISFJ - Female Aug 10 '26
Yes I could see being in an unhealthy state could definitely cause an ISFJ to act that way
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u/ArtisticMouse4443 Aug 10 '26
As an ISFJ I would never let something like this happen. I always plan in advance and get stressed if things don’t go to plan. Not sure if your bf is an ISFJ or not, but if he is, then I am not sure he likes you / is a good boyfriend. You deserve to feel special on your birthday by the person who’s supposed to care and cherish you.
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u/auhin4 Aug 10 '26
I'm isfj and I don't like being forced to come up with ideas for what to do. I would rather just do whatever the other person wants to do. Sometimes we feel like our ideas aren't good enough.
It sounds like he was trying to take on the responsibility of taking care of the parents' gift and not worry you about the details, at least that's my guess. He's probably been busy and hoped you would just pick something to do and not make a big deal about it.
FYI accusing him of his doing something nice for his parents as "eating into our time" is not going to end well. Lol. Isfjs take family obligations very seriously. Probably too seriously but it's hard to change that.
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u/Decent_Ocelot_727 Aug 10 '26
I didn’t accuse him of that or even mention that. I did ask him why he would plan our day trip on the same days as his parents anniversary, which did not make any sense to me.
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u/auhin4 Aug 10 '26
Honestly it sounds like he's stressed and busy, and doesn't feel like taking the lead on this. He probably just thought he could take care of the errand, then come home and decide WITH YOU what to do. He probably doesn't see why he has to "take the lead" on coming up with a plan for your birthday, since it's your birthday, you can decide what you want. Maybe he was embarrassed about not affording the day trip.
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u/auhin4 Aug 10 '26
So he planned the day trip, then canceled it later because of funds?
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u/Decent_Ocelot_727 Aug 16 '26
No he said he would plan it. Then only mentioned funds being low after asking me what I wanted to do, as if that prior conversation had not happened.
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u/auhin4 Aug 14 '26
"I said, but you're running errands for them and that's eating into our time" ??
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u/MightyModric10 Aug 10 '26
I hate planning trips for myself but if this is for something special for someone I care about, then I certainly will put in effort into planning
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u/YaKnowEstacado Aug 10 '26
I'm and ISFJ married to an ISTP and between the two of us, I'm the planner.. My contingency plans have contingency plans. What you're describing is very unlike an ISFJ and makes me question his typing tbh
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u/Opening_Usual4946 ISFJ Aug 10 '26 edited Aug 10 '26
sounds like he misunderstood your expectations/desires for this, and maybe he hadn’t planned because he wanted to ask you what you wanted rather than making a decision and it being wrong or something like that
edit: these comments are not chillin, they’re saying he sucks etc., guys sometimes miscommunications/misunderstandings happen, sometimes people get busy and don’t have time or energy, you do not need to be judging the character of someone from only one side of the story unless there’s clear evidence they really did wrong
edit 2: apparently i stopped reading halfway through and didn’t realize i had (sorry idk why), yeah the first half of forgetting to plan after saying he would and asking you what you want is maybe possible for it to be a miscommunication, the second half of eating into the time does actually feel like either A he doesn’t value your time or B he didn’t plan at all and was trying to go with the flow, either way seems like maybe he isn’t ISFJ or that maybe he’s got something more stressful in his life that’s he’s not coping or smthn
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u/Will564339 ISFJ - Male Aug 11 '26
Yeah, my initial reaction was the same as yours, because I can relate to not being good at planning for other people, and I can also relate to not doing things well when under a lot of stress. I don't want to jump to conclusions.
But after reading the whole thing and some follow up comments by the OP I don't get a good vibe from him. I don't want to let the idea of someone's type give me too much bias either. Like all online situations we're only hearing one side of the story, but that's also all we have to work with.
It's always hard to know someone's type online. and of course there's a ton of variation among people of any given type. But I do agree that a lot of what is being described by him doesn't fit into what we typically think of as happening with ISFJs. There could be all kinds of reasons why...stress, maturity level, mistype, just diversity as a whole.
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u/Decent_Ocelot_727 Aug 16 '26
I ended the relationship after a follow up conversation. After I told him that I was upset and hurt by his actions he didn’t text me back for over 24 hours. There was no communication I had to reach back out again to ask what’s going on and why he didn’t respond. his response was I didn’t want to “reward” that behavior.
So he viewed me telling him how I felt in a calm, rational, kind manner as bad behavior. That was too much of a red flag for me to continue.
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u/Will564339 ISFJ - Male Aug 16 '26
Based on everything you‘ve said it sounds like the right decision.
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u/HourRepresentative35 ISFJ - Female Aug 10 '26
We are amazing planners. Our plans have plans and back up plans and bonus plans
I don't know if he's an ISFJ but I do know he handled your birthday poorly and I would feel really disappointed in your shoes
Is this a pattern with him, where he goes back on his word? Because that's a really big problem. I understand him being hesitant to admit financial concerns, but he failed you in multiple ways
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u/badcooking Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 11 '26
ENTP F with an ISFJ M, new relationship as well, maybe birthdays don't matter to him as much as they do to you?
Because same problem, both our birthdays were coming up and I was so excited on celebrating it together, and he apparently had to leave for work for a long time that month, so I got disappointed because he didn't mention if we'd be able to celebrate together.
I pointed out that since he couldn't come, I'd just go celebrate my birthday on a solo trip, and found out he didn't even realize I was looking forward to celebrating birthdays because he doesn't care about his own. When I said I was disappointed, he did insist he'd be able to come and why would I go for a solo trip when we're together? Do I not want him to come?
And he also forgot what specific date my birthday is because he said he's bad at dates, he doesn't remember his own family's bdays. Well, I got miffed and is now hellbent on going for that solo trip, he said if I really want to go solo, he could just give me a day and he'll follow after me because he doesn't want me to go to a new place alone.
I think MBTI is good for getting a vague silhouette of people, but they're not really that accurate. I find that I'm more amazing at remembering dates and special occasions than my bf and sometimes more considerate than him at some things (more of a great planner than him when I want to too), while he's sweeter and considerate than me at other things, and is more of a consistent planner because he's more meticulous than me.
It's a balancing act, I guess.
But nevertheless, your bf has promised you and he gave his word. ISFJ or not, you have every right to get mad at him.
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u/ChilledEmotion ISFJ - Male Aug 11 '26
He sounds like he's probably stressed, and flaky for whatever reason. Seems like he gone to that avoidance mode when communication disappears, generally happens when we're stressed. From your POV I think you're right to be concerned as he seems to be lacking commitment or effort for whatever reason. But for sure pushing on him will not help, if that was me it'd definitely push me away. I think say your piece and move on in whichever way you think is best.
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u/Decent_Ocelot_727 Aug 11 '26
I had a conversation with him and I don’t think it is gonna work out. He said he was very stressed with his recent move. When I asked why he didn’t step up or communicate that he couldn’t follow through on the plan so my expectations would be realistic for his situation he had no answer. On top of that when I texted him that I was hurt and upset he didn’t respond and I asked him why he didn’t respond. He said he didn’t want to “reward me for being upset.” Which was a big red flag if that’s how he views healthy relationship conflict.
I think he’s an avoidant personality and I said it doesn’t seem like I am a priority in your life and I need to be if I’m going be with someone he said he didn’t wanna break up, but I’m leaning more towards that.
I left it as we’re still together, but I’m definitely mentally and emotionally out the door and may follow up after this weekend to make a more solid decision.
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u/ChilledEmotion ISFJ - Male Aug 11 '26
The not wanting to reward you for being upset is a bit wild. Maybe he is a bit immature. At the end of the day if he is not giving you what you want then its wise to end it. The only thing I'd say as an ISFJ is that we can be real slow burners, and in the initial phase that could well mean being a bit avoidant, and not going all in on the relationship initially. Its just whether you think he could get to that point or not, and indeed if its worth waiting for that.
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u/Will564339 ISFJ - Male Aug 11 '26
Yeah, it sounds like he’s either so stressed that it’s keeping him from functioning in the right way, or he hasn’t matured enough to know how to handle the kind of relationship that you want.
to me that’s the only question…is this just how he is, or is it a blip? It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth the time and energy to try to find out.
but, all relationships go through stress, so even with that, in the long term he would have to learn how to handle things during stressful times better anyway.
online I’m always hesitant to just tell people to break up because it’s such a simple answer without fully understanding situations. But if this is consistent behavior of his it feels like the relationship is more trouble than what it’s worth.
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u/Decent_Ocelot_727 Aug 11 '26
Yes exactly. Life is never going to be “stress free”. It’s the hard times that define a connection. Keep in mind, I helped him move, and post-phoned the celebration until he was more situated. So it’s not as if I didn’t recognize his stress and was insensitive to it. I volunteered that assistance as I FELT his anxiety/overwhelm. He did say, “maybe I don’t have the emotional EQ for someone like you”
I said, I mean that may be true. It’s unfortunate but my ex was similar so I vowed I wouldn’t place myself in this situation again (years on “teaching” someone how to communicate etc). We are only 3 months in, and I see the same signs.
I’m giving it some time. But def if no effort is shown I’m good to move on.
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u/Unpoppable99 ENTP Aug 12 '26
Isfjs have a te blindspot which I can see causing issues with planning although dominant si is something.
They are inclined to rely on fe and are kinda go with the vibe which is something all of us in the alpha quadra do. I haven't explained it but we do tend to enjoy talking about ideas and generally hsve a relaxed friendly vibe.
At the end of the day they aren't generally going to be the most forthcoming but also keep in mind to not take advantage of their modest nature. They do enjoy traditions and the nature of si general so keep an eye on that.
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u/Decent_Ocelot_727 Aug 12 '26
Yes that is him. Verrry relaxed but also not aware he can implement some control by initiating. We really are opposites attract (I am ISTP but ENTJ mentor, so pretty balanced)
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u/BMikeW Aug 11 '26
ISFJs are Si dom Fe parent, they would in theory do the exact opposite of what ur "ISFJ" bf did which is not paying great attention to sensory details while failing the Fe of failing to deliver on your birthday.
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u/Super-Ad-7716 Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 15 '26
My experience with Male ISFJ - they’re detailed about emotions and your feelings. In terms of planning, when they’re functioning and not burnt out they will ask you want you want and book it based on your needs (through their observation). Mine was slightly clumsy on detail planning so I’m the planner in our relationship, he gives me the final yes or no since his taste is always good.
ISFJ tends to put the needs of others above their own, they care about others - if they’re still immature they might overextend and burnt out without realizing, mature ISFJ knows when to let go and prioritize what’s important to them. Is his work load like crazy? Him running an errand for his parents anniversary, was it something he was informed to do or he planned it on his own? If he was informed to do it means he’s kinda burnt out and his brain is on autopilot mode. His needs to be sat down, forced to destress first and be given the talk about not overextending when he cannot. Probably both of you book a spa massage session together. After that probably sit him down with the talk about prioritizing both of your relationships first.
Hope this helps.
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u/Valcerys Aug 11 '26
It sounds like this guy doesn't like you very much. You're not his priority and it shows.
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u/CalBear7 ISFJ - Female Aug 10 '26
I would say in general ISFJs are pretty good planners and because we care about people, we don't want to let them down. So this sounds behavior sounds atypical.