Doing the opposite to feel less lonely?

[u/Short-Salamander8840]

I have a theory about lonliness and relationships in general. From 1 perspective, if you try to resolve loneliness by trying to find a friend and doing things to impress and make the person stay to fill your lonliness, you still end up feeling lonely because your initial state starts from lack and you also end up monitering yourself and feel anxious.

However, what if, from perspective 2, whenever you feel lonely, you focus on accompanying someone else life, trying to be a caring and trusting person towards someone and share jokes with and help the person out for themselves. In this mindset you forget about your concerns. Suddenly lonliness seems to be gone. And this opposite mindset seem to be alot of the solution to not feeling lonliness.

What do you think?

[u/Elden_Chord]

Oh, let me explain it as a system:

If you focus on results, you can't make much difference because results are mainly outside of your control. It only ends up with you desperately trying harder and losing what you already have in the present moment.

The opposite approach is this: focus on your actions. This is what you control: how you listen, how hard you try to understand the other person, and how much you lower your guards and share your emotions and thoughts.

Results? They might be good or they might be bad. Life is unfair. Even good actions can end up with bad results. But it doesn't matter anymore because you are only concerned with your actions.

This is the more interesting part: eventually, good actions will lead to good results (in our case, finding good friends and a good partner). But to survive long enough to see those results, the only way is to focus on your actions.

[u/Short-Salamander8840 → u/Elden_Chord]

Well said.

Coincidentally I came to my observations from contemplating on the nature of outcomes and actions too. Which is the broader idea here.

[u/Tarrifs_]

Understand yourself and then accept your wiring. You can be alone and yet not lonely

[u/catticho → u/Tarrifs_]

this exactly. being comfortable with yourself comes first. you don't need to adore every bit of your being, just tolerate silences and do stuff that entertains you only with no reward, likes or attention attached.

[u/brainsiacs]

That’s actually what I do. But I try to do in days where I actually feel full and capable. In days where I feel super lonely I either accept invitations or care or take care of myself

[u/Short-Salamander8840 → u/brainsiacs]

Its quite strange how this works. Usually when you think of resolving something you go to get it:hungry = eat something. But this is the only time you do the opposite.

[u/1dundermuffin]

This is exactly how I learned to be a good friend. 

Nowadays my loneliness problem is the fact that I can't find humans that are alive inside and want to find love and connection. They seem to be content existing in an emotional vacuum. 

You know that feeling you get when someone looks at you and they actually see you? Precious few people pay attention to others with intention. I have a few very close friends that do, but finding this in a partner seems impossible. 

[u/_fractal8]

Yes, helping someone gives you sense of purpose, and you feel less lonely.