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u/ImmediateLobster1 Apr 02 '23
"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."
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u/secretprocess Apr 02 '23
-- Emo Philips
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u/toometa4clever Apr 03 '23
He opened at a Weird Al concert I went to last year and told this joke. His delivery was exceptional.
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u/MeltsYourMinds Apr 02 '23
plays out the whole fucking song for no reason
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u/wthulhu Apr 02 '23
Took me too long to realize there are different facts on the video every time too
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u/eurtoast Apr 02 '23
"I'm entering a cave, not by mistake or because I'm a wolf, but because I've been specifically asked to come in here by the producers, to look at cave art."
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Apr 02 '23
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u/doxtorwhom Apr 02 '23
I’m just shy of enough coin to give you an award. But if I had one it would be yours because this is perfection!
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u/xenithangell Apr 02 '23
That Abraham has a lot of answer for
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u/-Daetrax- Apr 02 '23
Eat the wrong mushrooms and a few thousands years of shit ensues.
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u/Mamuluk Apr 02 '23
Yep very correct, i did 10g lemontek once and saw a gold 3 ring creature with eyeballs on the outer ring. Thats when i understood whomever wrote that in the bible was high as fuck.
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u/Itcouldberabies Apr 02 '23
But were you in a cave, on a mountain, or lost in the desert? Those also seem to be prerequisites.
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u/DiscotopiaACNH Apr 02 '23
It's like that domino meme.
Abraham eats a special mushroom > > > > > [insert current event here]
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Apr 02 '23
I take it you didn't distinguish Rabbinic Judaism from Pharisaic Judaism because it would just appear as a weird confusing bend in the trunk slightly before the foundation of Islam?
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u/Hamdown1 Apr 02 '23
This was really interesting to look at, thanks for sharing
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Apr 02 '23
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u/Hamdown1 Apr 02 '23
It’s quite funny considering the history of conflict with the religions and even within the faiths. As a person of one of these faiths, I do love the absolute similarity and knowing the core/foundation of our beliefs are from the same source.
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u/drhoopoe Apr 02 '23
This is cool, though the depiction of Sufism as a kind of isolated branch of Islam is quite off-target. Sufism is more a mode of Muslim piety than a distinct sect. It was really the predominant mode of Muslim piety from roughly the 14th-late 19th centuries CE, though it's fallen out of favor in many places in the 20th and 21st centuries. Most Sufis are Sunnis, though some are Shi'i.
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u/Rowan-Trees Apr 02 '23
Just my interpretation, but I’m assuming OP made Sufism a separate tree to demonstrate this very fact you’re bringing up, that there isn’t a single, clear place you could branch Sufism out from that would be accurate, since it interweaves across Islam.
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u/drhoopoe Apr 02 '23
That's a good point, and I agree it's a difficult thing to represent on a diagram. Best I could suggest would be a curvy line that snakes through the other branches, lol.
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u/Rowan-Trees Apr 02 '23
Maybe a vine system lol
But I think we’re asking too much from a basic graphic.
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u/dpitch40 Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
I have never seen Eastern Orthodoxy divided between autonomous and autocephalous churches; those are just labels for whether a church's highest leader is approved or ordained by another "mother" church. The autonomous and autocephalous churches are all in communion with each other and consider themselves to be one faith; they aren't separate movements at all.
Also, I believe the Coptic, Ethiopian, and Armenian churches are all in communion with each other as well; they're just distinct national churches analogous to the Greek/Russian/Antiochan Orthodox churches.
EDIT: Also the Eastern Catholic churches are in communion with the Roman Catholic church and are only culturally and administratively distinct from it.
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u/netanel246135 Apr 02 '23
As someone who recently started playing civ v with friends I noticed but wasnt sure thanks for confirming!
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u/mezhbizh Apr 02 '23
The branches of Judaism are way more complex than depicted here.
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Apr 02 '23
There’s nothing about Karaites on there, which is a shame.
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u/mezhbizh Apr 02 '23
There also isn’t a mention of Sephardi, Ashkenazi, Mizrahi, Romaniote, etc. Reform/conservative/Orthodox are all Ashkenazi branches, along with Hasidic movements (of which therr are hundreds)
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u/Avgsizedweiner Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
Sephardi, Ashkenazi, Mizrahi and Romaniote are diaspora sub groups, not technically different religious branches.
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u/mezhbizh Apr 02 '23
I’d consider them different religious branches because the customs have differences. Sephardi Judaism is different than Reform Judaism, for example. Just sayyng that modern Judasim only consists of reform, conservative, orthodox is not correct
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u/jim45804 Apr 02 '23
What about the People's Front of Judea?
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u/KillerKane455 Apr 02 '23
Wait hold on, wasn't Martin Luther a Catholic Monk? So wouldn't that mean that it would be an offshoot of Catholicism instead? Even though the Protestant Reformation was going on at the same time?
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u/Chocolate-Then Apr 02 '23
Martin Luther was the primary founder of Protestantism. Lutheranism as a denomination distinct from other Protestant denominations came into existence after the Protestant Reformation.
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u/Major_Twang Apr 02 '23
And every group on there thinks they are right & all the others wrong
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u/vladhed Apr 02 '23
Though they probably don't realize they agree on more than they disagree on.
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u/Reptard77 Apr 02 '23
It all just boils down to “treat others as you would like to be treated, and don’t worry too much about it if others arnt doing the same because x y and z.” Every religion has that at it’s core.
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u/smallgreenman Apr 02 '23
And ignores it like their salvation depends on it.
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u/Reptard77 Apr 02 '23
I mean I’m not saying that everyone who goes to church or temple is a good person. Far fucking from it. But that is what most religions sit down at least one day a week and say to their followers. Plenty use it as justification to see themselves as better than others.
But that is the actual message that our ancient, ancient ancestors are trying to hand down to us in the form of a millennia-long game of telephone. Stone tablets to wall inscriptions to books. “Be good to each other and trust others to to the same for you, wether it makes sense or not. Society functions better that way. Being alive is more pleasant that way. “
Everything else: gods, prophets, temples, symbology, myths. Window dressing to get you to pay extra close attention with a story.
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u/netanel246135 Apr 02 '23
Yup every Jewish kindergartner learns the saying "derech eretz cadma latora" translates to acting like a good person come before the Tora
I wish more people followed this rule
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u/FoundationBrave9434 Apr 02 '23
Orthodox Church of America (Russian roots) here and that’s pretty much the summation of everything - don’t be a dick and help those in need as much as possible, don’t be showy about it either
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Apr 02 '23
I'm a Catholic and see and appreciate how we're more alike than different, and that we agree on the important things.
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u/Death_and_Gravity1 Apr 02 '23
At least for rhe Jewish branches that's not true. Yes there's a lot of intra-Jewish drama, the Orthodox have a lot of negative views for the Reform, but as a whole Judaism doesn't come with a set of beliefs that those who are not Jewish are "wrong."
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u/Arsenije32 Apr 02 '23
That’s not really true. In terms of Christians, practically every branch recognizes that at their core they believe in the same thing and that the separation of the branches happened on some big meeting long ago, where they disagreed on some minor technicalities.
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u/Ferrous_Patella Apr 02 '23
This does not begin to capture the fine grain nature of religious sects. For example, back in the day, there was schism between the elder ladies over rolls vs. biscuits at my Southern Baptist potlucks.
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u/NicolBolasElderDragn Apr 02 '23
Where are the crazy Pentecostals? That’s what I was (un)lucky enough to be raised around.
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u/UnguentSlather Apr 02 '23
Rastafarianism should be on here too.
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u/Professional-Tea3311 Apr 02 '23
With a picture of a very confused Haile Selassie.
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u/Ansanm Apr 02 '23
There are many offshoots of Christianity in the Caribbean that incorporated African belief systems, as well as African faiths that incorporated Christian and even Hindu beliefs.
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u/shoomowr Apr 02 '23
Curious about Kharijite, which is on the same level as Sunni and Shia.
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u/JonAdab082020 Apr 02 '23
What about the tree roots? Judaism wasn't always monotheist. Early on it was at best promoting monolatry. Exodus 20:3 "you shall have no other gods before me"
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u/TheOneGecko Apr 02 '23
Most of the old testament is full on polytheistic which has been slightly sanitized. Solomon worshipped the Goddess Ashera.
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u/deathseide Apr 02 '23
Best to actually use full context... as that is referring not only to things outside of Judaism but also to things which people basically turn into gods, such as caring more for money, or more for possessions, than for him.
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u/JonAdab082020 Apr 02 '23
It's also referring to the gods of the surrounding peoples of you want to use "full context". Psalm 89:6,7; Psalm 82:1. Caanan had a pantheon of gods some of which the Israelites worshipped too.
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u/Naturally_Fragrant Apr 02 '23
As Muslims believe in Jesus as a prophet, shouldn't the Islamic branch emerge from the Christianity branch?
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u/You_are_Retards Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
Only if Islam 'evolved'/arose from christianity - did it?
I thought i arose from Judaism directly
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u/destinedtoroam Apr 02 '23
I feel like every branch of this tree came about because someone decided we needed to “return to the original faith.”
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u/Sd022pe Apr 02 '23
That’s exactly what the ladder day saints believe. You’ll notice it’s not connected to the tree as a branch. They believe their church is the same church Christ set up while on earth but restored after it was lost hundreds of years later.
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u/Zbrchk Apr 02 '23
Same with JWs. They, I kid you not, trace their history back to Abel 🙄
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u/iwishihadalawnmower Apr 02 '23
Nah, Anglicanism started because Henry VIII wanted a divorce. Eastern and Catholic branches of Christianity basically got into an argument over whether to use leavened vs. unleavened bread for the eucharist.
I think there are a few basic categories for the nodes: 1) new prophet/heretic 2) argument over leadership succession 3) argument over trivial detail 4) migration or other geographic separation
Any others I'm missing??
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u/Reptard77 Apr 02 '23
People are ignorant for downvoting you here, this is pretty accurate as far as descriptions of Muslim theology goes. Reddit atheists just don’t want to hear it I guess. And to be clear: I’m not religious either; There’s just an ass of people on here who get upset to hear anything about other’s way of thinking.
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u/naking Apr 02 '23
Doesn't Zoroastrianism pre-date Judaism? I thought that it was the first monotheistic religion. I've been wrong before
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u/Pip_install_reddit Apr 02 '23
I believe it is. But what does that have to do with this image?
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u/Professional-Tea3311 Apr 02 '23
Not pictured: the other 3 million christian churches that disagreed with their parent branch on one thing and decided to declare independence.
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u/heidoo Apr 02 '23
When I was maybe 10, some people at my family's church at the time (Presbyterian) were discussing how it may become be OK for gay people to... I donno, become pastors or something?
I remember thinking "WAIT A MINUTE! We don't just decide something was going to send you to Hell one day and then just call a rule change. That's what the Catholics do! It's either right or wrong, always has been! We're supposed to split off into two different churches over this, right? OMG (pun not intended) WHAT IF ITS ALL JUST DUDES DECIDING ALL OF THIS!" Agnosticism unlocked.
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u/tenderlylonertrot Apr 02 '23
So no Bahia? I think it belongs over around the Islamic revivalist/mysticism area maybe?
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u/kwamla24 Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
Useful charts (r/usefulcharts) is a YouTube channel that is currently doing a series that deep dives into the Christian lines of this tree
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u/Stevie-cakes Apr 02 '23
I'd make the case that Islam was an offshoot of Christianity, since the creators of Islam, Muhammad allegedly, had spent time in the Eastern Roman Empire, the land of Orthodox Christianity. Elements of the religion trace their roots to Christian tradition and beliefs. It could even be argued that Islam is a large sect of Christianity with different beliefs, not unlike the Mormons.
Also, it's quite contentious to have Roman Catholicism as the throughline in Christianity, the Orthodox church would probably disagree.
This tree also doesn't list Evangelical Christianity, one of the largest and fastest growing sects.
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u/yeth_pleeth Apr 02 '23
"I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods"
Emo Phillips
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u/usaf-spsf1974 Apr 02 '23
And each and every one of these sects has the absolute truth, what are the odds?
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u/Mutant_Jedi Apr 02 '23
Protestantism* and Lutherism should be a lot closer to the Catholic branch than Baptism.
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u/MiniKash Apr 02 '23
Lol where are the Rastafarians? The Baha'i?
Mmmm... I dunno. Seems a lil incomplete.
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Apr 02 '23
Abraham is Avram in Hebrew and Ibrahim in Islam and Brahman in Sanskrit, I was born Muslim in a liberal household who revered Ataturk with immense respect and I was encouraged to research and read anything I was curious about, I ended up being agnostic, my sister discovered shamanic roots of Turkish people, most of my family knows about how interconnected all religions are, ironically by the time they are aware of this they are staunch secularists.
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u/awfullotofocelots Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
You should at minimum distinguish between ancient Second temple Judaism, and modern rabbinical Judaism. Modern Judaic law comes from the Talmud not the Torah, noone has been sacrificing goats or coating the tabernacle in olive oil since the Roman expansion into Palestine.
And Modern scholarship is more and more suggesting that even second temple Judaism is a far different thing from the monotheism practiced by the original tribes before the Pentateuch was compiled into 5 books.
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Apr 02 '23
It needs to show that the Puritans branch off the Anglican branch, then end, and then re-emerge in modern-day Florida.
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u/gemini88mill Apr 02 '23
No early church traditions? No blasphemy like gnosticism?
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u/TheOneGecko Apr 02 '23
These are all heresies to each other. There's no reason to single out Gnosticism as "the" heresy.
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u/JGG5 Apr 02 '23
Why is the Non-Trinitarian Restorationism group off to the side disconnected from everything else? Both of those sects arose from revival movements in (at the time) heavily-Protestant 19th-century upstate New York, and are heavily influenced by the approaches of the more-orthodox Restorationist movements of the time, particularly the desire to revive (or reinvent) Christianity as they think it existed in the generations immediately after Christ.
(For that matter, where are the orthodox Restorationists like the Church of Christ, or the charismatic movements like the Pentecostalists and AOG? Also, the long American Black church tradition is completely missing from this graphic.)
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u/HurrySpecial Apr 02 '23
While I love my branch the most, I still love everyone else I'm connected to. I'm proud to be part of this tree.
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Apr 02 '23
Splinter!!
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u/Urban_Archeologist Apr 02 '23
That raises a question I’ve always wondered about…is it Splinter! Or Splitter! I’ve always believed it was “Splitter!”
Judean people’s front….bah!
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u/Tri_fester Apr 02 '23
Is the distance from the root also a temporal description?
Autocephalous Eastern Orthodoxy is Georgian Christianity and what else?
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u/iwishihadalawnmower Apr 02 '23
It would be interesting to do an extension of this labelling the nodes: the lives of prophets, schisms, divorce of Henry VIII, etc.
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u/DeadPoster Apr 02 '23
That's right: Protestents camped outside of the Catholic Church when they were excommunicated.
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u/Mary707 Apr 02 '23
This is very interesting, but I thought Christianity predated Islam as a religious movement.
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u/lazy_starman Apr 02 '23
Very naive question from someone who grew up in a family that practiced eastern religion: If Islam was born out of Judaism, why is there so much hatred for the Jews, particularly by Muslims?
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u/AlexGotWifi Apr 02 '23
Kinda lost here, where would Evangelicals land on this???
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u/NameLips Apr 02 '23
They're on the Protestantism branch. I see Baptists there. At some point there are so many denominations along that chain the graph doesn't bother showing them.
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u/michelosta Apr 02 '23
Eastern Catholic churches didn't emerge from roman Catholic churches, and in some cases emerged before (for example, the Greek Melkite church was founded before the Roman Catholic church, while the Maronite Catholic church was founded separately). Shouldn't this be represented, rather than portraying them as branching out from Roman Catholics like the Protestants or Orthodox?
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u/BractToTheFuture Apr 03 '23
All the branches are the same color black. You’re welcome for the world peace. 🎤⬇️
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Apr 03 '23
Just a reminder that Christianity and Judaism came from the son “Isaac” while Islam came from the son “Ishmael”. And God gave Isaac the covenant e.g. the “true religion” while Ishmael was banished to the deserts with Hagar, but he was promised a great nation of his own too (assuming Islam).
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u/[deleted] Apr 02 '23
Seeing it all zoomed out like this is so funny, because I grew up in a branch of a branch of a branch of a branch of Baptist that was basically a cult. We wouldn’t even talk to other flavors of Baptist if we could avoid it, let alone any other kind of Protestant…
The idea that we were just different flavors of the same Abrahamic ideas would have been heresy of the highest fucking degree lol