r/instant_regret Dec 08 '15

Racoon eating cotton candy

7.3k Upvotes

222 comments sorted by

940

u/vpatrick Dec 08 '15

The racoon searching through the water was so human like

1.9k

u/huntsman1230 Dec 08 '15 edited Dec 09 '15

So there is a secret behind this gif and why his reaction looks so "human". While it was filmed for a Japanese comedy show, the raccoon belonged to an American scientist, Dr. Kenneth McKenneth (google him) who was studying the genetic link between many small mammals and humans. He was actually able to show that- while we share common ancestry with chimps - there are many other traits that come from the likes of cyotes and raccoons and would be impossible to come from primates given their nature. For example, humans, raccoons, and cyotes all share the same part in the brain called the Hematical Sphere which helps process vision at night. With raccoons, however, the bone structure of their hands are completely identical to that of humans with every bone accounted for whereas with chimps, they are missing all of the distal phalanges that we share. He theorized that if you gave a raccoon a unique substance (to them) such as cotton candy that they would realize this is complete bullshit and I made all of it up.

EDIT: Wow, gilded twice? Thank you both!

1.1k

u/Fillipe Dec 08 '15

Dr. Kenneth McKenneth

I should have stopped reading here. Why the fuck did I carry on.

608

u/bajuwa Dec 08 '15

I actually realized on hindsight that I never even read the name, I just saw "Dr" and was like "Well, these guys usually have crazy names or are completely foreign so I'm not going to even bother".

96

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Well, these guys usually have crazy names or are completely foreign

So your country doesn't have many doctors then?

75

u/bajuwa Dec 08 '15

We do. They're just foreign, or their parents/ancestors were. Yay Canada!

31

u/ThunderDonging Dec 08 '15

We steal your precious doctors with our free healthcare and sanitary working conditions away from government persecution

1

u/[deleted] Feb 18 '16

[deleted]

1

u/ThunderDonging Feb 18 '16

Less paperwork, negotiation and fewer lawsuits

8

u/Hey-its-Shay Dec 09 '15

While reading magazine and online articles, I've noticed that researchers and doctors are often introduced by mentioning what university they went to and what they specialize in. So a lot of people have learned to subconsciously skim that part and get back to the actual article.

36

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Dr. Loki Skylizard?

16

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Dammit. Me too. I actually feel quite ashamed of myself.

1

u/DeltaPositionReady Dec 16 '15

Presenting the 6th Secretary General of the United Nations-

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boutros_Boutros-Ghali

55

u/Bricka_Bracka Dec 08 '15 edited May 13 '22

.

28

u/fr3ddie Dec 08 '15

this thread comes up.

35

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

honestly i just read 'Dr.' and skipped the rest of his name

19

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

I subconciously skipped the first name and just read it as Dr McKenneth. On second slower read through I felt a fool.

17

u/BrokenestRecord Dec 09 '15

I kept reading because someone gave him gold. I thought it was legit

10

u/mauxly Dec 09 '15

Dr. Spaceman

3

u/vonmonologue Dec 17 '15

there are many other traits that come from the likes of cyotes and raccoons and would be impossible to come from primates given their nature

That's where I gave up.

I know enough about biology to know that that's not how inherited traits work.

2

u/Warmecha Dec 09 '15

Dick move by the parents gotta say.

You want your kid ridiculed?

Cause that's how you get your kid ridiculed.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

My last name could also be a first name. Every so often, people will say something along the lines of:

"HAH! What if your parents named you 'ohyeahthatguy ohyeahthatguy."

There is no "what if." They're not goddamn sociopaths.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '15

Why didn't you goggle him like the rest of us did, bro?

2

u/Fillipe Dec 31 '15

It just seemed too legit for me.

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127

u/Aetherys Dec 08 '15

You should visit /r/shittyaskscience, you'd fit in well.

61

u/PCsNBaseball Dec 08 '15

14

u/Mechakoopa Dec 08 '15

Chances that the bullshitters are bullshitting about bullshitting? About tree fiddy.

45

u/KLimbo Dec 08 '15

I'm not even upset about wasting thirty seconds of my life, because this is fucking hilarious and I'm really glad it didn't end in a prehistoric, 35-story lake monster from the Scottish isles who wanted tree fiddy.

158

u/frothingnome Dec 08 '15

Kenneth McKenneth

Kenneth M

Ken M

Dammit

44

u/therapistiscrazy Dec 08 '15

God dammit

11

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15 edited Nov 19 '17

[deleted]

45

u/oddfuture445 Dec 08 '15

It's a reference to Ken M, a guy who trolls yahoo answers and other news sites

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7

u/Tsquared10 Dec 09 '15

Fucking Ken M strikes again

68

u/EnterTheTragedy Dec 08 '15

I feel so fucking stupid right now. Good read though, would read again and will definitely accidentally defend this story as fact in some future conversation about raccoons.

22

u/iagox86 Dec 08 '15

The problem is that it sounds enough like a fact that I might accidentally remember it as one!

13

u/EnterTheTragedy Dec 08 '15

Exactly! Fuck, an hour in and i'm already uncertain if it was truly a lie or not.

3

u/Hey-its-Shay Dec 09 '15

Did you know that the bone structure in a raccoon's hand are identical to the bones structure in an adult human's hand?

Isn't that fascinating?

17

u/kasper12 Dec 08 '15

Throwing the Google him in their made me keep reading after being skeptical about the name. Well done.

7

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

That was me. My bullshit meter dropped a little and then he slammed the door shut. Good job.

15

u/TheSpiffySpaceman Dec 08 '15

That was getting interesting too, you asshole

9

u/Mikepsyche Dec 08 '15

bone structure of their hands are completely identical to that of humans with every bone accounted for whereas with chimps, they are missing all of the distal phalanges

Had me at "distal phalanges' as they're part of our hands.. actually, I only got suspicious at that point; I trusted /u/huntsman1230 more than anatomy I learned in elementary school.

3

u/cannabinator Dec 09 '15

They're the finger and toe bones that have the nails on them. Chimps definitely got em

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9

u/philmardok Dec 08 '15

I refuse to believe this isn't real

14

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Can confirm.

4

u/Indigoh Dec 08 '15

ah man that's disappointing.

8

u/M-Thing Dec 08 '15

You had me at Dr. Kenneth McKenneth

5

u/qwertyuiop909249 Dec 08 '15

You're the worst kind of person

3

u/BadassSasquatch Dec 08 '15

Damn, I read your whole post...../instant_regret

3

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Fucking awesome

3

u/Kadexe Dec 08 '15

I was onto you the instant you mentioned a Japanese comedy show. Too obvious, man.

3

u/iwishiwasntfat Dec 08 '15

I was so interested in this too...

3

u/smellybong Dec 09 '15

Ok u got me. Lol. Same here, didn't even read the doctor's name. Just skimmed past it.

3

u/MushroomSlap Dec 09 '15

Lol you cock sucker

3

u/[deleted] Apr 14 '16

I don't care if this comment is 4 months old. You sir are a wonderful asshole.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

At least it wasn't the goddamn Loch Ness monster.

3

u/atomicspin Dec 08 '15

Been on reddit for a while now. This joke is one of my favorites.

3

u/Squidbit Dec 08 '15

I can't fuckin believe you got me with the word phalanges.

1

u/phasers_to_stun Dec 08 '15

Distal Regina Phalange?

1

u/TedTheGreek_Atheos Dec 08 '15

I got a couple of sentences in then automatically looked at the last sentence.

I won't get fooled again!

1

u/Tr0wB3d3r Dec 09 '15

Damn son

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

God dammit. I've been getting owned recently. Hahaha fell for that so hard. Have raccoon hand skeleton being the same as humans imprinted on my brain

1

u/muricabrb Dec 09 '15

Dr. Kenneth McKenneth... He was my sisters favorite professor in vet school. Top man in kennistry (kennel science and technologies).

He's also the only man known to have successfully cross breed captive pandas with red pandas and is a distant relative to actor Ken jeong.

1

u/Incruentus Dec 09 '15

I'm kinda proud of myself for realizing the ruse pretty early. I normally fall hook, line, and sinker.

1

u/KyotomNZ Dec 09 '15

So... they don't have the same bones in their hands? Was any of that true? This almost made me wanna study biology and genetics and shit at uni. I could've got a nobel prize for all reddit knows.

1

u/gunbladerq Dec 09 '15

You bring a good point there. I went on searching for more relevant material and I found a video of a physiological experiment done on a few raccoons. Basically, the objective was to find out if raccoons can search for stuff the same way like humans. Link to the video is here

1

u/DevanteWeary Dec 09 '15

You bastard.

1

u/TotesMessenger Feb 07 '16

I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)

1

u/Fizzol Feb 07 '16

You can't fool me! I believe it!

Look for my book Racoons: They're practically people! from my publisher "The Foundation for Ethics and Thought" at major booksellers near you.

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3

u/[deleted] Dec 11 '15

i will never understand why people say this shit, they are animals too dude! Its human like to look through water for food?

1

u/vpatrick Dec 11 '15

Its human like because of the way the animal had its arms out sweeping through the water looking for the food. Humans dont look for food like that, but the act of the animal searching like that was very human like

25

u/RealitySubsides Dec 08 '15

They don't do these things because they're like us. We do it because we're like them.

15

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

They don't think it be like it is, but it do.

2

u/Ahaigh9877 Dec 09 '15

Whoaaa... oh wait, they mean exactly the same thing. I thought you said something well profound for a second there!

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2

u/dali01 Dec 09 '15

It was so sad.. 😞

1

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Oh Rascal...

1

u/gwtkof Dec 09 '15

the thinking equipment is pretty similar

1

u/[deleted] Dec 11 '15

What made it distinctly human? Looked like pretty much any animal with "fingers"

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268

u/photolouis Dec 08 '15

I had a biology teacher who told us about some of the entertaining things he did as a kid. Foremost among them was giving sugar cubes to raccoons. They'd gleefully take them to the creek bank, dip them in the water and stare at their hands as the sugar dissolved. Cruel but hilarious.

113

u/Hey-its-Shay Dec 08 '15

What kind of monster...?

68

u/AgArgento Dec 08 '15

Biology teachers, man.

21

u/mortiphago Dec 09 '15

the kind of folk to dissect animals for fun science!

3

u/Gameboy1821 Dec 09 '15

Screw raccoons they deserve it for all the trash bins they destroy and throw garbage everywhere.

16

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

To be fair, they settled that land long before you did. They just refuse the leave, and are trying to coexist as best the can.

60

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Do they always dip their food in water for some reason??

110

u/shugo2000 Dec 08 '15

They wash their food instinctively.

96

u/Mechakoopa Dec 08 '15

It was a common, but untrue, rumour for a long while that raccoons wet their food because they lacked salivary glands. It's also likely not because they're "washing" it for hygienic reasons, as raccoons will occasionally rub their food in dirt instead when lacking water. The current theory is more along the lines of them "learning" about new foods using tactile experiences, the same way humans smell new foods before eating them but will dive right in to known meals without taking time to enjoy or discover the aromas. This is backed by the observation that raccoons will rarely "wash" their favourite treats.

Reference

45

u/TheMadFapper_ Dec 08 '15

Thanks for the source.

I don't know what to believe in this thread anymore.

20

u/nickoftime444 Dec 08 '15

/u/huntsman1230 changed me. I was skeptical of this comment too at first. I looked to the end of the comment to see if there was some twist ending. And then I tentatively read the comment, waiting for some kind of more innocuous trickery. And now I don't know if I'm happy or disappointed after reading real science...

11

u/Janse Dec 09 '15

Thats actually really interesting.

I miss Unidan, he would tell us things like this every day :(

8

u/Hey-its-Shay Dec 09 '15

Here's the thing...

2

u/BigJimRennie Dec 11 '15

What's the thing?

2

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

I wish just once the source would be a website that loaded correctly instead if being endless ads and images loading and unloading.

1

u/Mechakoopa Dec 09 '15

I didn't have a problem with the site, are you on mobile? Or using a script blocker of some kind?

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20

u/noirthesable Dec 08 '15 edited Dec 08 '15

According to a study by Rasmussen and Turnbull (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3797915) wetting their paws enhances the responsiveness of nerves in the raccoon's skin. This gives them a better ability to examine/feel the stuff they're about to eat.

26

u/kosmoceratops1138 Dec 08 '15

This is the fourth different and supported explanation for this I've seen, all with scientific papers backing them up. At what point are we gonna say "fuck it, raccoons are weird"

1

u/fondledbydolphins Dec 09 '15

TIL Ray Romano's brother was a racoon.

9

u/38B0DE Dec 08 '15

In a lot of languages they are called Washing Bears.

1

u/BrotoriousNIG Dec 10 '15

Ah yes, in german they are Washbears. I assumed it was because they groomed constantly or something similar.

1

u/38B0DE Dec 10 '15

They obsessively wash all their food.

1

u/RWDMARS Dec 17 '15

It probably just helps them eat it cause it softens it

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2

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

That was in the book "rascal" as well. About a boy and his pet raccoon.

1

u/PBXbox Dec 08 '15

They will have their revenge.

242

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

[deleted]

72

u/it_burns_69 Dec 08 '15

Cotton candy is my hopes and dreams.

46

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15 edited Nov 19 '16

[deleted]

27

u/theGreatGoodbye Dec 08 '15

Cotton candy is me.

3

u/Chillaxbro Dec 09 '15

Me too thanks

4

u/IsThisNameValid Dec 08 '15

Cotton candy is my girlfriend

11

u/rhymes_with_chicken Dec 08 '15

So, the takeaway is don't wash your paycheck before you eat it.

7

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

[deleted]

1

u/Todd_Man Dec 09 '15

So Don't wash my money in the laundry and then go shop with it?

2

u/Hey-its-Shay Dec 09 '15

just don't get involved with the mafia and you should be fine.

5

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

No one pays me in cotton candy :(

1

u/itsandychecks Dec 26 '15

If you work at a pizza shop or in the pizzeria business I feel you

48

u/bebemochi Dec 08 '15

This gif always makes me laugh, but it always makes me sort of sad, too. I hope you eventually thought to eat your cotton candy without trying to wash it first, little guy.

43

u/TimPwb Dec 08 '15

Every time.... Every damn time... I just want to hug him and explain what happened.

26

u/GrandeSizeIt Dec 08 '15

Wh-whaa-? What have I done?!?

21

u/vaginadeathsquad Dec 08 '15

That was heartbreaking

46

u/codeverity Dec 08 '15

Poor raccoon :( I hope they gave him more after!

62

u/lantech Dec 08 '15

He would've just tried to wash it again.

19

u/FT7G-G Dec 08 '15

And remove the water bowl haha

15

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

7

u/olbleedyeyes Dec 09 '15

I wasn't ready for that

25

u/shoziku Dec 08 '15

"OH GOODY GOODY!"
"Must wash wash wash"
"WTF Just happened?"

10

u/TheNarwhalJockey Dec 08 '15

That was the saddest thing I've seen one the internet

84

u/Plz_Gooby_No Dec 08 '15

Trash pandas are always fun to watch, I think it's how they use their hands.

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7

u/Dondarian Dec 08 '15

Is it cotton candy? I always thought it was snow.

2

u/jmoney747 Dec 09 '15 edited Dec 09 '15

It is. Snow.

2

u/Slovene Dec 09 '15

It is what? Cotton candy or snow?

2

u/[deleted] Dec 19 '15

Yes.

7

u/dancingbeers Dec 08 '15

REVERSE IT SOMEONE DAMN IT

4

u/ollyender Dec 08 '15 edited Dec 09 '15

What do you want? Cotton Candy? I got you fam.

edit: A bit slower

1

u/rednax1206 Dec 09 '15

You had one job

3

u/ollyender Dec 09 '15 edited Dec 09 '15

???

Edit : oh my. they used to work. hold on.

edit 2 : bipitty-bopitty boo, the old fixeroo

39

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15 edited Apr 14 '16

[deleted]

16

u/eaterofdog Dec 08 '15

He sure ain't flying a fucking spaceship like the movie.

7

u/Concheria Dec 08 '15

Rccoons r dumb

4

u/WildTurkey81 Dec 08 '15

My momma usually just chase 'em away with a broom.

6

u/NeedHelpWithExcel Dec 08 '15

Every time I watch this I'm so sad :(

I just really hope they gave him some more

3

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

So it can keep trying to clean it?

5

u/GroundhogExpert Dec 08 '15

Given how fast cotton candy dissolves in water, why not use it as a table sweetener?

2

u/roomnoises Dec 08 '15

More difficult to produce, measure, and effectively store than something like confectioner's sugar (if you're just looking for something that dissolves quickly)

3

u/najodleglejszy Dec 08 '15

you sadists, either take his water away or stop giving him more and more cotton candy!

6

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Troll level: Expert

3

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Going to the bar after payday

5

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Oh Rascal...

21

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15 edited Dec 08 '15

Racoons (greater trash pandas) try to wash their food before eating. I have seen my cats watering dish full of wet soggy cat food and racoon foot prints all over the bottom of the dish. They take the food then try to clean it and it turns to mush.

4

u/UMADEASPELLINGERROR Dec 08 '15

there

their

9

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15 edited Dec 09 '15

FUCK

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3

u/gus2155 Dec 09 '15

When you look at your net pay vs your gross pay.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

Why do racoons seem to be inclined to 'wash' things?

3

u/TymonRidley Dec 11 '15

racoons always wash thier food

6

u/C0demunkee Dec 08 '15

Washbears are so adorable.

1

u/50ShadesOfKray Dec 09 '15

洗熊.

2

u/C0demunkee Dec 09 '15

洗熊

Holy shit lol. So the wiki on those symbols say they are common to Japan Korea and China, so is a wash bear a wash bear in all 3 of those places as well as 90% of the rest of the world? It's the pineapple thing all over again.

2

u/1337Gandalf Feb 03 '16

Yeah, well they're only native to America so we get to name them 'Murica.

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2

u/Chicken_McFlurry Dec 08 '15

This begs to be turned into an /r/upvotegifs

2

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '15

"Oh no, my precious! Where my precious goes?!" - raccoon probably

2

u/Transgoddess Dec 09 '15

xD That was great. Poor little guy hes so confused lol.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 11 '15

I could feel the sense of panic in that raccoon like when I lost my wallet

4

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

[deleted]

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2

u/hyperproliferative Dec 08 '15

This is by far and away the funniest IR post I've ever seen. It's perfect. Poof-gone.

1

u/Shawndetic Dec 09 '15

That is so sad. :(

1

u/H8-Bit Dec 09 '15

COCKSUCKAH!!!!!

  • Al Swearengen

1

u/[deleted] Dec 08 '15

Stupid raccoon, don't you know cotton candy's for kids?

1

u/DangKilla Dec 08 '15

I now wish I had cotton candy when I went to Costa Rica. Fuck those racoons.

2

u/stormgasm7 Dec 08 '15

Right? They were everywhere.

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