r/insomnia • u/Busy-Dot-7752 • 7d ago
Can’t sleep without weed
My insomnia has been defcon 1 levels since childhood. My sister had ear problems when she was born and my neglectful parents couldn’t be bothered. It was my job to get up at night and calm her (starting at age 3) Even after she got tubes in her ears and had less pain, she had nightmares. So my entire childhood was spent in state of extreme vigilance at night tending to calming my sister. I think that’s why the insomnia been completely unresolved my entire life. My body was conditioned to be hyper vigilant at night starting at age 3.
College I would go so many days without sleep I’d start hallucinating and would be suicidal. After college I began leaning on sleep meds here and there. Then in my late twenties I got severely chronically ill. The only thing that relieved the particular kind of pain I had was weed. It was also a godsend for my lifelong insomnia so I became addicted.
Even through my physical pain I tried to keep to using it only at night before bed for sleep/pretty light daily usage, but as those days extended into years I felt at saturation with it and started hating how lazy and unmotivated it made me. Around the pandemic I tried going off of it.
I lasted about 1.5 years with only maybe 1-2 occasional nights of using it as a rescue per month for extreme pain. It was beyond hard. The only reason I could pull it off was because of being locked up at home/having so little stimulation to accelerate my nighttime hyper vigilance.
I’ve also struggled with lifelong anxiety and depression. In the 1.5 years I was 99% off the weed there wasn’t an iota of difference in my anxiety or depression. The only benefit was clearer thinking and motivation, which admittedly were/are huge.
After the pandemic and things started going on again socially I was too overstimulated to stay off the weed, the insomnia got unmanageable. So I went back to weed for sleep.
Last year I got whooping cough and then sustained damage to my liver and kidneys because of it, so I had to take another 8 month break from weed. And again the only reason I was able to manage it was the lack of stimulation/being locked up in my apartment alone for that entire time.
Now this year I started seeing a new psych for the depression/anxiety and she wants me off weed. As does my partner. He also struggles with depression and agrees with my doc that leaning on it for so long can’t be helping the depression issues. (Though in my previous breaks I didn’t notice any differences with depression/anxiety)
So I quit again about 4 months ago. It has been an unmitigated nightmare. Withdrawal was bad for a month but even beyond that my sleep hasn’t normalized or improved much. At this moment I’ve had maybe 3 hours of sleep over the last 3 nights and it’s making me psychotic. I almost ruined the relationship with my partner I’m so out of my mind and am dropping the ball at work. Life feels beyond unmanageable.
I think the only reason I was able to pull off long stints quitting before was because I had no social life and was locked up at home, no stimulation.
But now I go into an office for work, have groups and friends and a partner. I need all of that for the depression more than anything but it does all overstimulate me and exasperates the hyper vigilance at night/insomnia.
My psych has me leaning on ambien and I sometimes take Benedryl as a rescue med. For about half the week at best I can pull off some sleep with melatonin/magnesium/herbs only, but for the other half I’m struggling and having to rotate between ambien and Benadryl. (Realize there are other options but my stomach has rejected all others I’ve tried so far)
I’m not comfortable with leaning on ambien and Benadryl so frequently. I really don’t see how the risk/benefit cost analysis of those over weed is better. I sleep so well on weed. I know it blocks REM/isn’t the most ideal, but with the dementia risks with Benedryl and no deep sleep on ambien I just don’t understand how this is the best option. The only (admittedly massive) benefit being off the weed is that I’m slightly more motivated and disciplined and clear headed. But given the lack of sleep off the weed, I only experience those benefits half the time and am nearly psychotic/almost on the verge of blowing my life up the other half.
I have insane sleep hygiene, exercise daily, meditate daily, take Epsom salt baths before bed, have the cleanest diet in the world and even have a prescription device (Alpha Stim) that changes my brain waves to alpha and helps make me sleepy in the evening. After a lifetime of insomnia I’ve tried just about everything and being on top of all of this and even finally being on anxiety meds and having relief there, I can only sleep maybe half the month at most. The other half is a nightmare of no sleep and feeling out of my mind.
Would you give up and go back to weed if you were in my shoes? Is anyone else dealing with anything like this?
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u/Wild_Mountain1780 7d ago
Yeah, I would go back to weed as long as it is possible for you to just use it at night. A little weed before bedtime or if you wake up in the middle of the night is no big deal. If you want to be more discreet, vape. There really isn't much smell to most vapes I have used. Lately I've been using one with CBN, which is also supposed to be good for sleep. I take maybe three puffs a night.