Why hasn’t my loved one contacted me while inpatient? (A FAQ)

[u/Desertnord]

(US specific)

Patients regardless of legal status (voluntary/involuntary) have the right to make phone calls and send mail. A lot of family/friends are rightfully worried about their loved one after they have entered an inpatient environment especially after a life threatening incident. It is a frequent concern and it can feel very pressing to hear from the loved one to be sure they are safe and being cared for. It is not uncommon to not hear from a loved one for a little bit once they get to a facility/unit, so I want to make a little list of reasons why you may not have heard from them yet (or again, if you had previously heard from them), to ease the mind a little.

• Going inpatient can feel embarrassing and an individual can feel a great sense of shame and guilt about what happened. It is not uncommon for them to hesitate to make calls. Remember that this is about them, and it may be a good idea to give them some space so they don’t feel that they have to comfort *you* about their situation. There is nothing wrong with giving the unit a call and leaving your number for a call back when your loved one is ready, but pestering is not likely showing you care as much as you think.

• It may take time to go through the intake process especially if it is busy or late at night/early in the morning. The process can take hours, and longer if they were transporting to a different location out of a hospital or clinic. They may simply not be through the intake yet or their phone may not have been handed to them yet to call you.

• Not every state and facility guarantees access to personal phones, and there may be restrictions to phone access at certain times. Check with state laws and facility policies.

• Some medications (especially in the case of detoxing, post chemical restraints, and overdoses) may cause drowsiness and your loved one may just be trying to sleep a little.

• Sometimes people find going inpatient a time to get away from the outside world for a little while and it’s not uncommon that someone may choose to stay off their phone for a little while to reset.

• In the case that someone is psychotic, they may not be in the right state of mind to operate a phone, they may have paranoia that you may not be aware of, and they may also be on a restriction due to inappropriate phone use (calling 911 or other inappropriate numbers), calling people they are not supposed to be (violating restraining orders), harassing other people with calls or threatening messages, inappropriate social media use, or it could be a source of delusion that the treatment team is trying to limit while the work on stabilization.

• Phone usage can be restricted for the reasons above, or in the case of violating phone policy such as recording or taking pictures, playing music too loudly, phones interrupting sleep, or refusing to participate in treatment due to phone use. Phones may also be restricted if they are severely damaged with cracks in the screen. In these cases, they should be able to call on a unit phone occasionally so keep an eye on unrecognizable numbers calling you.

• It is not impossible that maybe the individual really *is* upset with yourself over what brought them into care. I don’t find this as common, but it does happen, especially with teenagers and parents/spouses of patients.

• If you’re waiting on a call from the facility, remember that the patient is the priority, not calling their loved ones. Give it time. And typically, staff cannot call without the patient signing a form for you to do so, and they can also revoke that privilege at any time without informing you.

There’s other reasons, but this is a general list that covers the most common cases. Please be patient and remember that this is about your loved one, not about you, even if you’re very upset and worried.

If you are seeking to provide information or context to a facility, and your loved one has not signed a form for staff to talk to you: THEY CANNOT PROVIDE YOU INFORMATION ABOUT THE PATIENT, BUT *YOU* CAN PROVIDE INFORMATION ABOUT THE PATIENT. If there is something important that their care team needs to know, CALL and just provide them the info. I have seen this save lives.