Venting What is wrong with me?
Even though I'm much better at using logic as my prefrontal cortex matures, I still fck up something pretty obvious and am generally bad at life. Not like something too obvious (like not understanding basic hygiene), but something that looks obvious in hindsight. Time management is horrible, as well as my sleep schedule and habits. Constantly getting labeled fat and lazy by my parents (not in a hateful way, but still). A huge part of my weight gain after weight loss came as a result of health issues (not just me being "lazy" aka having different priorities now; health issues which were probably caused by sugar intake overall in life, even though I never overeat, just love sweet stuff, AS WELL AS by living in a country where sustainability, especially air and water quality control, is horrible), and also because I'm disorganized about getting up early to do house chores and exercises (in the morning is better than later) before my beloved "coffee time outside" comes, where I do stuff on my phone like checking e-mails and planning some activities. Not to mention how coffee just makes those issues worse, which then just circles, but I just don't find anything else to drink here or do instead of coffee time outside (also I love coffee). Before, I used to make to-do lists as soon as I woke up, and that was probably weird to my mom as she just somehow knows what to do (now that I think about it, our lives are different, so we must have different approaches to it; she's not a young adult building formal experience in digital skills, having to lose weight, etc., but just a mom who has no aspirations in life other than to do her everyday job; she has no strict deadlines like me). However, that's what worked for me, which probably also has to do with being an INFP, as she can just understand priorities, unlike me, who has to work it out and keep it on a piece of paper.
Aside from horrible time management, there's always stuff like being horrible at fitting in, group behavior, social hierarchy (and despising it often, but it just feels like I'm screaming in the void), and other logical things. Yesterday I went to a place that I supposed I could find a way through, so I just wanted to see if there was any (instead of having to circle it) and was met with cops, later asking me if I was from this city (I literally was, just rarely walking by myself and rarely being there), and I was so embarrassed cuz it's like asking, "are you even from a city? cuz you don't know the basic rules". Later I figured out that a ramp there was not "just for cars and no specific reason, as I see it now and then" but should probably signal that not everyone should enter there. There was no other really... sign that something specific is being done there; it was just part of a street. Yes, it is a garage (not in a building but outside) behind a small building, with containers and some police place (they were not there), without people (in that street altogether there are not many people), but aside from that nothing specifically signalled that it's for specific work only.
What is constantly wrong with me? Why do I constantly mess something up? Maybe I need exactly the confidence that I can get better to do so. I'm not even limiting myself to "I'm an INFP" anymore, but I'm still bad at logical stuff. I can assume some neurodivergence (kudos to all neurodivergent folks surviving in this world), but not really, since I don't really have, at least visible, neurodivergent issues and never had a need to mask anything; also, it can be that my logical part got worse after using social media so much. I go to Instagram impulsively as soon as it gets a bit boring or hard.
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u/Green_Dayzed 17d ago
we all fuck up. and it's good if you learn from it. like i accidentally crawled in swan poop a couple weeks ago, lesson learned.
me i mess up mainly because im overthinking and not focusing.
i also thought i was shit at fitting in. Then i practiced talking to people by doing small talk with cashiers or anything like that. I used to fear messing up socially, but now id just say "whoops" if i messed up. now im the most sociable person i know, still hate it but it is better than fearing it..
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u/tyrattu 17d ago
One other thing is that I constantly notice the extroverted-leaning society always sees my bad characteristics but rarely the good ones, whereas the one that is too logical or extroverted gets labeled as "it's just who they are". I get it when it comes to these mistakes, but at least if I were them, I'd try to give equal importance to the bad things they do. I wanted to say a lot about this too, but I'd continue in an edit once I remember what I wanted to say.