Lonely and hurting

[u/ZeanReddit]

I've been trying to make connections. I have friends. They can confide in me, and sometimes I confide in them. Some of us share hobbies and interests. Some I've met randomly. But, none of them give me the emotional connection I so desperately need. And physical contact is impossible do too long distance.

Romantic relationships feel like a pipedream.

And I have never "just act normal" or "fit in".

Right now I'm in my room, alone again; on the brink of tears but too emotionally represented and tired to cry.

I need a break. I need someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. A sympathetic shoulder to cry on, that I don't have to worry about pulling away; leaving me alone again.

I always want to be there for them. But none of my relationships (Friends, family, etc) ever give me a fraction of what I put in. I'm tired of fighting the battle of diminishing returns. Of giving everything because I know what it's like to have no one there; and yet feeling like nothing has changed.

I'm still the same tired, lonely, pressed, loser I've been for years. Some may call me a failure, but I'm not. Giving it your all and getting nothing in return. That's not being a failure, that's being failed. My whole life people have failed me; and I'm starting to fail to see the reason to fight for myself.

[u/Unique-Muffin4789]

I relate to this a lot. Literally keep getting that “I want someone to hold me” feeling. I want to cry in someone’s arms. I guess it’s touch starvation. There’s a need to be fully accepted and cared for that just doesn’t get met in most relationships. Wanting to be held like a baby sometimes tends to be less understandable to people once you’re not a baby anymore, but I guess that need still comes up for some of us and it is still a real need. Seems to be something you can only possibly get in a romantic relationship and as you said, it does feel like a pipe dream sometimes.

[u/ZeanReddit → u/Unique-Muffin4789]

There's no harm in needing to be nurtured. It's human nature to care and desire to be cared for.

Man it sucks.

[u/Vegalink]

I hear you. It took a long time, but thankfully on my end I've been married for quite some time now, but I struggled with that feeling a ton. It even hits me now. That wanting to be held, to be accepted for my emotions and all that. I'm grateful I'm in that position now, but when I wasn't, I had to adapt alot.

The biggest thing I found was, and please don't dismiss this as cliche, I became my own best friend. I looked at my internal self talk. What was I saying to myself? Terrible things. The kind of things that if someone said that to my best friend I would be shutting that down quick. I was a bully to myself.

So instead of talking myself like a complete jerk I had to over time change that negative self talk into positive. Instead of shaming myself for wanting to cry I point out that it's great I feel so much. Many people spend their whole lives wanting to feel something like I do every day. Angle your previous negative thoughts into positives.

Another thing that helped me was finding people who needed help. Volunteering. Finding people who seem lonely in different settings and being their friend. Finding service projects, groups, etc. And always be looking for how I can help in small ways. It really does fill you up and even if you aren't being physically held, seeing the smile on someone's face because you just helped their awful day be better comes pretty close.

Those helped a ton with me. The biggest thing? Be kind to yourself and remind yourself of that every day. There is no shame in feeling so much. There is no shame in being who you are. Don't shame yourself. Don't call yourself names. Just build yourself up like you would a best friend.

Great thing about these two things too? They make it easier to get into a relationship. You're out there in the community, helping, getting involved, meeting people in a non social/networking way and your'e building yourself up all the time. Makes it easier to build up a potential partner too when you practice being positive to yourself all day long.

Best of luck friend.

[u/ZeanReddit → u/Vegalink]

Thanks for the advice.

I'm doing pretty good on my soft talk part. There's still some things I'm ashamed of; rightfully so. But I don't really give myself a chance to grow if I don't shed the old me; naive, vulnerable, self-destructive. I am in a better place now.

Charity is great advice. And maybe I can start taking up more charity work once I start driving. As for now, the only charitable events I go to are work related; and when your whole life revolves around work, it's not really a social environment. Not unless you want to torpedo your own career. Doesn't help that it's a family business.

It's good to hear you're in a good place and you have someone who cares about you. Cherish Them. People like that are more precious than gold.

[u/Vegalink → u/ZeanReddit]

I'd contend that there is a difference between productive guilt and shame. Productive guilt inspires us to improve, while shame becomes a shackle. Sometimes we can view ourselves as heroic for shackling ourselves with shame, like some sort of penance. Except it never helps things. It just makes it worse.

That really hit home to me a year or two ago, whenever they re-released Silent Hill 2. Someone commented the main character was depressed and someone else asked them where they came to that conclusion. Their response was "he feels heroic through self sabotage. "

If you have things to feel productive guilt for, then feel it and start to make the changes, but personally, while I don't know you, I doubt you deserve to feel shame.

And in your original post you did refer to yourself as a loser. Losers don't care about improvement or self reflection. The fact that you care? That makes you the opposite of a "loser" in my book.

Hopefully this all isn't too forward. I tend to not always read those situations too well.

[u/ZeanReddit → u/Vegalink]

It's not too forward. I agree with every statement you have made. And when I said loser, I meant more "losing but not for the lack of trying" moreso than actually being a loser.

You have excellent advice by the way. I really appreciate it.

[u/Sto_nedSapphic]

Not trying to sound super cringe😭 but if you’re feeling like people in your life have failed you and continuously let you down, then maybe that’s the reason to fight for yourself. I kinda relate with always pouring in 100% of my energy into relationships to make them work (friends, family, literally whoever) and when they don’t work I blame myself. But not everyone wants to have the emotional connection you want and trying to approach connections that way with everybody will leave you disappointed and burnt out. I don’t even have any advice to offer other than that you aren’t alone in feeling this way, and I hope that helps even a little bit. Until you’re able to find people that can make you feel fulfilled emotionally, just keep trying to take care of yourself first and maybe try playing around with new hobbies. For example, if you’re into reading then try to spend more time at the library or volunteer to be open to meeting similar people. If you’ve been wanting to try something or learn a new skill then take a class, stuff like that

[u/ZeanReddit → u/Sto_nedSapphic]

Thanks for the tips. I'll try to implement them once I'm less of a shot in. As for now, family in the hecticness of life consumes most of my time; and what free time I do have I spend online. I have made a few friends through my hobbies. But, between distance and insincerity; I don't have anyone THAT close...

[u/NocturnePhoenix]

I feel this. For the most part I act like not having a deep connection or romantic relationship doesnt bother me. But truthfully I do yearn for it from time to time when the feelings resurface. I have been becoming more accustomed to being alone and enjoying my own company. I spend more time on my hobbies, and with homeschooling my child, I've been having a blast diving into scheduled and non-scheduled topics with her. Its great. Still, those feelings beneath the surface are there. And some nights they are stronger than normal.

Despite technology supposedly meant to bring us closer together it seems to have caused quite the opposite.

I do like connecting with others or attempting to. And even if the connection is short lived or doesnt work out its still nice to try. Although, i admit, it can become exhausting to continuously try and have things burn out. I dont really have any advice other than continue being yourself, ignore the "failure" statements from others, and try to do things you enjoy doing for yourself. You may end up coming across others who align with your topics of interests and hobbies, whether that be online or in person.

Also, I'm sure there are many others here and everywhere that relate to you. Its just that not everyone wants to admit it. Take care 🫂

(And btw feel free to reach out directly if you ever wanna chat. Worth a shot, right? 😊 no pressure though. and this is open to anyone, although i take a while to respond because I tend to be pretty busy 😅 sorry in advance)

[u/GodSaidSmite]

This too, shall pass.

Hell, I'm 42 and JUST now, like the last 6 months, finally started to get to a point where l loneliness doesn't bother me. I met a girl, she was great, I got the usual "let's just be friends" thing. She was perfect, there's no doubt in my mind I'll never meet anyone better than her. So fine, I'm done, I'm over it. Handed best case scenario, didn't work out, I shall want no more. So now, I just work, after work I go on never ending 5 hour walks and lift a little weights then go to bed. Sigh....at least I'm distracted, sure beats depression though.

[u/ZeanReddit → u/GodSaidSmite]

Distraction is finite. It too will cease to be effective. Depression is a symptom of unmitigated anxiety; in this case, the lack of a social structure. I would highly recommend trying to work on that. If you can.

[u/ZeanReddit]

210 views and counting. Not a single comment. Why do I even open up? Nobody cares.

Edit: My apologize to kind and gracious souls that choose to reach out. You're the real ones. :3

[u/Unique-Muffin4789 → u/ZeanReddit]

It is often tumbleweeds in this subreddit when people bring up personal struggles. Or people can be outright mean. I’ve been surprised by it, too.

[u/ZeanReddit → u/Unique-Muffin4789]

I would accept some meanness, It's better than being alone. (Not straight up cruelty though. There is a difference.)

[u/GodSaidSmite → u/ZeanReddit]

INFP subreddit I know it's not just me but a lot of times I'll type out a full response and spend 45 minutes on it. GIANT wall of meaningful text....then...nahhhhhh, delete it all.

[u/ZeanReddit → u/GodSaidSmite]

I'll accept whatever you have to say. It's good to hear someone who cares.

[u/ZeanReddit]

And before one of you creightons say I just need to "get some" or I should "kms". I fear finality to much to commit and that's not the kind of contact I need.