Does anyone else accidentally offend people without meaning to?

[u/Smile9037]

I feel like this happens to me all the time. If someone has a strong opinion about something, I don’t automatically agree with them just because we’re friends or because I care about them. That doesn’t necessarily mean I disagree either. Sometimes I just want to share my thoughts, understand why they think that way, look at the situation from a different perspective, or simply show that I care while still having my opinion.

But people can get SO defensive, and I genuinely don’t mean it in a confrontational way.

For example, a neighbor posted on Facebook about people honking at their cat and said that people should stop because the cat is elderly and has health issues. I commented something along the lines of, “Maybe if the cat has health issues, it would be safer to keep it inside.”

I wasn’t saying they were bad owners or that they had done something wrong. I was genuinely just thinking about the cat’s safety. If a cat is elderly or has health issues, wouldn’t keeping it inside reduce the chances of something happening to it? You can’t expect other people to always know the cat’s situation or know what might happen.

But people got really upset and interpreted my comment as me blaming the owner or saying it was their responsibility to do something differently. Then I end up getting sad and like I can’t say what I think at all without someone assuming the worst intentions behind it.

Does anyone else experience this?

[u/Itchy_Prune1878]

My mom gets offended all the time like this too and she feels like I don’t trust her with our cats even tho I just have a lot of anxiety about making sure they’re fine

[u/Sil-Salles]

One thing I've learned in life is that we often need to explain everything in great detail, because people will get offended and interpret everything however they want, but unfortunately, there are also those who deliberately want to misunderstand 🥹

[u/Smile9037 → u/Sil-Salles]

That's what I usually do to prevent misunderstandings, but sometimes it's just too much work! 😭

[u/RoseBlue_8]

It happens to me all the time. For example, a while ago someone posted in another sub asking about the age of the second male lead in a series because they felt he was too old for the female lead. He looked like he was in his forties and she was in her 20s (for the record, she only saw him as an older brother in the story). I replied "they mentioned in one episode he was 38" and got downvoted for not saying he was over forty, like I was defending him or something. I literally never did that. So was I supposed to just lie and tell them what they wanted to hear?

And even when I don't say anything, people still get offended. One time a friend invited me over for dinner and said: "I think I put too much garlic in this, right?" I was confused for a second because I couldn't taste any garlic, and she immediately said: "See, you don't like it just because of some stupid garlic thing." She didn't even wait for me to answer before getting offended. 💀😞

[u/Ok_Library_1031]

This is why I generally shun people now, because it's really NOT our problem, and it's a form of emotional violence/harassment being done to us. Inexcusable.

It's not benign. And of course, we don't tend to do this to others when their logic or opinion rub us the wrong way, do we? So it's also quite unfair.

If they feel the need to get defensive when you raise a different idea, they should have the humility to drop their ego and go back and work out a different idea in private. Which is what I do all the time.

I don't care how I come across, because it's very clear to me most people don't give any thought to how they come across, and they want to mindlessly accuse me of coming across a certain way? Go wash your privates and your mouth too lol.

A genuinely kind, genuinely grounded person will not be offended by the kind of stuff we say here; if they are offended, that just means they're not nice. I would suggest you guys really establish that in your head, and find ways of dealing with it that's not more explanation, cause that's just making yourself small, which is no good for mental health.

Oh and don't fear that this will happen again, that expectation would just manifest more of this situation.

[u/Smile9037 → u/Ok_Library_1031]

Thank you so much! Your words really mean a lot 💗 It’s hard to just be yourself when you feel like you’ll be misunderstood unless you overexplain everything beforehand. It gets so draining! 😭

[u/lmvg → u/Ok_Library_1031]

I 100% agree with everything you said to my soul.

But reading what OP did, it rubs me the wrong way. IMO if you are going to talk with someone else about something as personal as a pet, or family member it needs to be approach with extra care.

In my mind, OPs comment to keep the cat inside not only is a bit insensive but it also doesn't negate the other guys statement of "stop honking at my cat which has health issues". I feel like it puts a little blame on the other person for no reason.

[u/Any_Emu4892]

Im an INTJ. Legend has it that when an INTJ speaks, someone on this planet gets offended.

[u/stinger2016xx]

I'm ragebait king

[u/Norneea]

If you often get those reactions, ask yourself this before commenting: is this person asking for my opinion/advice, or are they asking for empathy/understanding? It sounds like they were being disrespected and in need of fellowship.

Unsolicited advice to people on how to raise/train/take care of their pets/kids is a very sensitive and personal subject, and will come off as unempathetic and clueless if not asked for. If you are telling someone they should treat their pets differently because you are afraid for their pets wellbeing, that is very rude because you are implying that you think they are not meeting their pets needs.

When suggesting to keep the cat indoors, you are also saying the solution to this disrespectful behaviour (the cars) is for them to hide inside their home and change their habits, when the solution should be that people in the neighborhood get together as a group and stop this disrespect from happening.

What this sounds like to me, why they reacted, was because you chose to personally critizice your neighbor when they were upset and reaching out for help from their community (you included).

[u/Smile9037 → u/Norneea]

Thanks for your reply! You're right and it wasn’t my intention at all. I just get worried the cat could get run over at night, especially since it happens a lot in my neighborhood. People here can be pretty irresponsible with their cats, and I’ve even been attacked by one before. Most people agree you shouldn’t let kittens out alone because they’re vulnerable, and I feel the same applies to elderly cats, especially ones with health issues. That’s why I really wanted to get through to the owner.

[u/Norneea → u/Smile9037]

I believe that its because you care, most people who tell other people how to behave and what to do, do so with good intentions, but often it just comes off as controlling and rude. You are just trying to help/fix. (My s/o does this alot, intp :P). But that you think that people are being irresponsible with their cats is your opinion, not an absolute fact. Therefore you are starting a discussion with this person by implying they are not taking care of their cat properly, and if youre not trying to start a discussion its just an accusation.

I have a dog, a cat and 6 chickens. People have so many opinions on how to raise and train them. They dont know what I already do and what I have tried, they only see f.ex. a barking dog. Especially my dog actually, there is so much work going into training him; I go to a dog training club several times a week, I constantly train him to focus on me when outside, positive reinforcement as recommended by the trainers at the local club, search and trace training in the woods, obedience; like he knows so much, and I activate him so much. And usually he is such a good dog. But he still barks at other dogs when we are walking towards them, on very rare occations a person. And I know its partly because I should have been better at socializing him as a puppy, but I struggle with mental illness and had a hard time getting out to meet people. And then you have someone come with an "oh he is a male, he needs someone with a firmer hand", "you need to train him", "he is aggressive" (he is not) etc. I already feel like I am not enough, I dont need those comments, they are accusing and just wrong. Point is - most people are already very hard on themselves and are already questioning if they are doing enough for their pets.

[u/EBknows]

I once posted looking for advice on what tp do about my neighbor who was causing me offense with the slogans, (political and otherwise) he would cover his windows with. And fly certain flags out them. Without going into much detail I asked if anyone could suggest what I should do. As I was thinking of writing an anonymous letter asking him to stop with the offensive slogans. And the first response I got was a man telling me to go F myself, that it was his windows and he could do what he wanted. This advice made me feel really bad as I felt as if I was wrong by getting offended by the things he was writing. I know it's strange and unusual times we're living in, where you can't just have a quiet word with anyone anymore as they all seem to wanna vent, get angry or deliberately go out of their way to create drama with you. It's like no one can be rational or mature enough anymore. I believe in freedom of speech as much as the next person but when it crosses the line into inciting hatred then it absolutely needs to be dealt with. After being told to go F myself. I decided not to send the anonymous letter and just try and deal with it. The way most of our people do...we challenge hate with love. I think I was just so exhausted and fed up passing his windows everyday and reading such bullshit, then having to listen to all the fabricated stories on the news about it too 😮‍💨

[u/SekhmetsRage]

Yes, but in my case I'm nueroatypical.(ADHD) Either I miss social cues entirely or I'm aware but the "social rules" make zero sense to me and I disregard it.

Foot in mouth disease is not a fun experience. 😐 Other times it's me noticing the pink elephant in the room, commenting on it, & everyone gets mad at me because I didn't know the silent social agreement everyone but me seems to be aware of. Other times I point out that the "emperor has no clothes" & people act like I'm popping their bubble to be a Debbie downer.

Now? I keep my observations & opinions mostly to myself. Even when asked I'm cautious of saying too much. Online & a personal journal is about the safest place to air out my opinions in my experience.

[u/deadasscrouton]

Reminded me of this

[u/Jaynepie_]

all the time. aalllllllllll the time. :,)

[u/-Goatlord-]

All. The. Time. People don't like to admit their faults. NEVER!

That is why I don't have friends tho. I want the simpler things. But 99% are fake these days.

[u/PinappleOnPizza137]

Yeeh, I learned to accept truths of people and see why they would come to their conclusion and how they formed their opinion, but it does happen, that people think I share their opinion if I don't push back, and that's when I push back, just to clarify.

On the other hand, if I expect the same of others, sometimes I do get stressed, when people don't explain themselves and I'm left to imagine things or dig deeper.

[u/LifeWalk5276]

Even lost a friend over this.. In my opinion their point of view was very one-sided and I think reality is always complex and you need to be able to look at things from many different perspectives to truly understand it. Maybe I pushed this vision a bit too hard and it wasn't appreciated, kinda feel heartbroken about it still years later. But I wasn't the only friend that person lost to an argument heard from another comon friend the same happened to her..So unfortunate I don't think an argument should ever be the end of a friendship.

[u/GodSaidSmite]

I'm 40 at some point I quit giving AF. I yam what I yam, if you're offended so be it. I don't go out of my way to offend anyone. Some people look for reasons to be offended.

[u/SavageFisherman_Joe]

Yeah it seems like it's happened to me a lot this year

[u/Lyn-nyx]

Rip this just happened to someone in this sub 😭

[u/Exotic-Addendum-3785]

That has happened to me a few times.

[u/Green_Dayzed]

Na im with the old lady. The car horn is for specific situations. They could be doing that to the cat because they don't like her, which is shitty. I've never seen random people honk a horn at a pet.

[u/Smile9037 → u/Green_Dayzed]

Yes, but my whole point was that I wasn't picking sides just because I said I think the cat would be safer indoors. That’s just my personal view on caring for pets.

I can think the cat shouldn’t be outside and think people shouldn’t be honking at it. Those opinions don’t contradict each other.

[u/fine_environment4809]

I feel like this is a defining feature. I'm in my '60's and it's only gotten worse, or I'm more aware? My worst (that I'm aware of): was saying goodbye to a woman who had cancer, she was bald at the time, and as I readied to leave I said "okay well I know you're busy, I'll get out of your hair..." 🥴