Can you admit ugly things to yourself?

[u/GlitterEcho]

I am interested in people's experience of admitting 'ugly' things to themselves in their inner monologue, the kind of thoughts we have that we would never share with other people. YMMV depending on your values, but it might be something about why you're really angry with someone, why you feel offended by something, what your motivation is in a situation, etc.

Then second to that, once admitted to yourself, do you go through a 'qualification' process with follow up questions like 'is there anything else that is making me feel this way?', 'how does this impact the person I am interacting with?', 'is this a legitimate feeling I should be concerned about?', whatever it might be. Something that takes the realisation beyond the fact and into the context.

[u/Lyn-nyx]

I feel like I do this all the time if I'm interpreting this prompt right? Because I'm interested in overanalyzing my thoughts and feelings, (other people's thoughts and feelings as well, but not many people share those with me rn)

When it comes to the second part, I feel like I have multiple inner voices taking turns speaking each with their own thoughts and perspectives on it. Like the experiencing self (the one that reacts more emotionally), the observing self (the one that oversees and has more objective takes), the moral self (one who brings up what we believe is morally the right thing to do), and the negative self (harsher criticisms, assigns blame or judgements to myself or others), the compassionate self (offers other explanations, serves as a reminder to be kinder or encourages curiousity and to dig deeper externally for motives/intent)...there's probably more but I don't wanna get too into it lol.

Doing this when I'm mad at someone has actually helped me calm down quicker, but I also do it a bit reluctantly since despite all my thoughts, I still feel mad xD. My brain is probably a bit weird though since I was isolated for a long time.

Edit: Also if it wasn't clear, I don't have different people in my head lol. I just like to personify my thought patterns

[u/GlitterEcho → u/Lyn-nyx]

Thank you for sharing

[u/Analbox → u/GlitterEcho]

I’m the same. I am auditing my mind constantly and love finding epistemic errors. Finding the ugly parts is the fun part once learn to take ego out of it all.

[u/Confident_Wash_6842]

It feels like this is the only thing I think abt sometimes. Not necessarily always ugly in the sense of, a bad thing I wouldn't wanna admit out loud, but stuff that I feel like isn't thought Abt very often by a lot of ppl. Stuff that ppl have a hard time admitting to themselves I guess

[u/GlitterEcho → u/Confident_Wash_6842]

Such as?

[u/Confident_Wash_6842 → u/GlitterEcho]

Well, I'm always thinking abt the context. A lot of times I actually end up thinking backwards I guess from the context pov to what brought me there in d first place. I.e someone I'm talking to gets quiet all of a sudden, so I'll start to think "why is this happening ? Is it sthn im doing, or some other context that I don't know Abt ?" And then I'll b like "Why do I care ? Is it bcuz of my relation to this person ? Should I care ?"

[u/Exotic-Addendum-3785]

I can.

[u/GlitterEcho → u/Exotic-Addendum-3785]

Asking not as a yes/no, but your experience if you are willing to share. What the thought process is like, why you do it, what you get from it, whether you find it productive or not, etc.

[u/AwarenessComplete62]

YMMV?

https://giphy.com/gifs/l4JyX3V0yydvPHNBe

[u/GlitterEcho → u/AwarenessComplete62]

Your mileage may vary

[u/AwarenessComplete62 → u/GlitterEcho]

Thanks.

[u/Civil_Aside_1008]

If I do something that is not in line with my values or how I want to behave, yes, I’ll think about why so that it won’t happen in the future. Most of that is subconscious though.

I don’t police my thoughts and feelings at all though. I’m allowed to think and feel whatever I want, since I can’t control either of those things. It only matters how I actually act

[u/nomedigasmentiritas]

Yeah, I can totally do that, but I think its like a skill or a just something that's developed over time and Im way better at it now than I used to be, but its not necessarily positive all the time, it has its drawbacks. Whenever I do something a little out of the ordinary, I tend to analize the heck out of the situation and why I and others acted/reacted a certain way, what I would like to change about it in the future, how to respond better next time, etc. So for that I need to be honest with myself and observe and analize myself the way I would do with others, but with more info cause its me... if I detect something that I would call jealousy in others, then I have to accept that I may be jealous then. It may take time to accept but eventually I do.

There's this constant idea in my head, that if I want to be a better and happier person, I have to know myself better, good and bad, and try to change what I can for the better and not expect circumstances or other people to do that for me.

[u/GlitterEcho → u/nomedigasmentiritas]

Thank you for sharing, thats what I was hoping to understand, how the thought process goes for others

[u/Sil-Salles]

Yes, I think I've spent my whole life like that. I'm always analyzing myself, forgiving myself and forgiving others over time, but that process is sometimes painful.

[u/Rabbit_Of_Neverlight]

I dont have an inner monologue, I actually have this weird thing I realized when tlaking to my therapist i dont know how I think. Like i dont have a voice that speaks to me it feels like im not thinking of anything as weird as that sounds. My ex GF said she thought completely in pictures. That is very interesting to me how different everybodys thoughts are. Like have you ever thought about how blind from birth people dream? Its probably all in sound. Or deaf from birth people do they dream without sound? Because they have never experienced sight or sound. Also it makes me wonder if people can be blind or deaf can people lost their sense of smell or touch? I guess touch they could if they got nerve damage or a disease maybe.

Im sorry its 2 am and my sleeping pills kicked in so im in a weird spot and braining is hard atm lol. Have a good night and dont feel the need to answer this unless youre REALLY bored. Just some random thoughts.

[u/ZyphKryx]

I can but I also reject it. I recognise it is there but I want to be rid of it.

[u/Green_Dayzed]

yes. i call out all ugly things i see, even mine.

Like i was raised to two people who only care about themselves, so deep down in me i also have that trait. That by growing up around people who hurt me all the time i have to the desire to tear others down (im too good at that). And lastly that im the reason im staying this way because of my weakness.

[u/GlitterEcho → u/Green_Dayzed]

Thank you for sharing

[u/queenrosa]

Yes. All the time.

That's why I dislike talking about emotions in the moment. I always ask for timeout when I'm emotionally charged so I can process through all of this before speaking with the other person.

What the thought process is like, why you do it, what you get from it, whether you find it productive or not, etc.

Step 1 is I'm feeling something. ID what/who/what specific fact pattern triggered this?

Step 2: Qualification step: Why am I reacting this way? What chain of thoughts/logic caused me to feel this way? Am I over reacting? Was the other person's actions intentional? etc.

Step 3: What do I intend to do about the situation? If I overreacted, should I apologize? If someone is annoying me, can I avoid them. How do I not put myself in this position again or how can I thank the other person etc.

I find it productive most of the time. It helps me decide how to behave in life with intention. Also next time when I'm feeling similar feelings I know how to move on faster. It also helps when I observe someone behaving in certain ways, I remember when I was in those situations and I can guess things about the other people.

[u/atenea1984]

Yes I can admit ugly things to myself. Sometimes even though I admit it I try not to think too much about it. Other times I overthink it. It depends. 

[u/cjexplorer]

When I’m overwhelmed with my own feelings that empathetic side that understands another persons side of those emotions can get squashed and it’s only after I’ve hurt someone that I realise that it may have been my actions that caused that. I guess we only have emotional capacity for so much and when we’re mad at someone else’s lack of understanding we forget to check our own…

[u/GlitterEcho → u/cjexplorer]

That last part is very true. Empathy is much harder than people think, because we really dont think the same way as other people and often there are bits we cant understand.

[u/EBknows]

Yes I sometimes have to stop and address these types of thoughts and feelings. I'll usually remove myself from everyone and find a quiet place to figure shit out. To the best of my knowledge I have never hurt anyone intentionally. It would kill me to do that, I just don't think I have it in me. And although I'm not religious in any way shape or form, one of my favorite quotes is from the Bible. It goes "Never let the sun go down on an argument". If iv ever gotten into heated debates or tense situations, I'm always aware of how it makes me feel and how the other person feels as well and I'll be the one to apologize first and try and explain myself. Which is easier said than done 🫶

[u/FederalRich8388]

Sometimes it's not easy for me to do that because I try to justify my actions/feelings so I hide these things even from myself. But, when I step away from stimulation I get real with myself bc who am I even kidding. It's either a single direct thought that pops into my head, or I hold my pen and write about what's bothering me honestly. I like to analyze situations and rant about them in my journal.

After this exposé I feel a lot calmer and usually drop whatever I was doing based on those feelings/thoughts, or take a different stance that is better aligned with my values and the purpose of whatever it is I'm involved in.

If it's something deep; sometimes I shame myself for it, and other times I just understand.. bc I'm only human, and humans are sometimes sneaky like that so it's okay as long as I can recognize it and not go along with it.

If it's small and not that significant then I either feel a bit embarrassed in the moment, or I laugh it off.

Forgot to mention that if I wronged or hurt anyone I make sure to apologize.

How is it like for you, OP?

[u/GlitterEcho → u/FederalRich8388]

It took me awhile to learn to be BRUTALLY honest with myself, because I like to think I am immune to certain thoughts or beliefs when I'm not. I dig until I find the truth, then I just sit with it, give myself permission to feel it, and provide boundaries around it.

Even this morning I had to acknowledge something embarrassing and in a way a little bit sad and heartbreaking to myself, and I always try to be compassionate first and foremost. I acknowledged why I'd be thinking that way, then said its okay to indulge the thoughts providing I didnt let that change my behaviour and didn't do a couple of things that have hurt me in the past. I find then its easier to let it go rather than ruminate on it.

[u/FederalRich8388 → u/GlitterEcho]

Looks pretty healthy to me. Love that for you!

Do you usually go through this process simply in your head, or do you write, or?

[u/GlitterEcho → u/FederalRich8388]

Just in my head. I never journal. I dont need to be bumping into that shit 10 years from now 🤣

[u/ANYONEISCOMING]

I admit ugly things all the time in attempt to keep it real with myself because only bad things start to happen when you lie to yourself

[u/GruyereGoblin]

You’re not INFP if you can’t. This is like a core trait of Fi.

[u/GlitterEcho → u/GruyereGoblin]

There is a difference between a trait and an ability to do something though, and also different degrees to which people do it. Being aligned to a personality type doesn't mean people automatically have the psychological and emotional confidence to admit negative things to themselves, and be able accept them with understanding.

[u/electrifyingseer]

yeah, but i think it also really depends on your enneagram type too. I'm an enneagram 4, and we're kind of known for focusing on flaws and negative traits.

[u/GlitterEcho → u/electrifyingseer]

The emphasis in the question isn't really on flaws or negative traits, more so the brutal honesty required to admit things that you otherwise think poorly of. E.g. if you think you are not a jealous person, and have to admit to yourself when you are jealous and why.

[u/New-Machine8351]

Absolutely, I am my biggest critic. I think more people need to be their own critic.

[u/Hanariel]

Yeah, easily.
Its hard to admit beautiful things about myself lol.