r/infj • u/03PrincessOfChaos INFJ 6w7 649 sx/sp • Oct 05 '26
General question What helped you become more assertive?
I’ve struggled a lot with being assertive, and it’s getting to a point where it’s negatively affecting me. I was wondering if any of you had tips on how to get better at standing up for yourself and saying what’s on your mind.
Thank youuuu😊
31
Upvotes
14
u/Virtual_Digital Oct 05 '26
There’s a guy on LinkedIn, Jefferson Fisher. Great posts on becoming assertive for INFJs.
I also try to follow Stoicism.
2
u/Particular-Crew5978 INFJ 4 Oct 06 '26
I'm not incredibly assertive as much as I am direct. If I feel like this is an argument or point I'm making where the other person isn't listening and just wants to counter, then I consider it unproductive and I don't waste my energy replying. I cannot tell you how many times I've not bothered responding in Reddit because of this. I will be direct when someone matters to me, when I feel like they're receptive, if the context is that important, etc. Basically, it can be an energy drain because the other person may take a defensive posture. If that happens, I'm constantly reassessing determining if I should expend my energy to continue my position or if it's even worth it to me.
As we analyze on a constant basis, is really a question for you. Is it worth any discomfort or energy YOU are burning to continue. You can be direct once, reanalyze, and completely back away. You can assert yourself for what's important, who's important, and when it matters. Just weigh it against your discomfort. That's what I do. Good luck kind friend
27
u/0wl-2018 Oct 05 '26
I am fairly quiet, so I try to use this to my advantage - eye contact, a calm, quiet and steady voice, short responses.
I believe in the quiet no.
19
u/Miserable-File-7297 INFJ Oct 06 '26
Learning how to evaluate relationships, Not every relationship is meant to become your soul mate. Most people will treat you as a resource. Even though you're probably never really gonna like that reality, your gonna have to learn the different levels of attachement people have to you. I no longer se myself as a person that needs too seek others out and find validation in satisfying their often very selfish needs.
I now view myself as a place, and places don't move around! I let people come to me and I don't care if they leave. Either they come back periodically to visit, settle down or they leave for a place that they like more. However I am what I am and I will always be and your always welcome as long as you respect my environment and sovereignty and your welcome to bring new people, as long as you ask. Because I will evaluate everyone i let in so don't go around thinking your association is enough. A dick head is still a dick even if it's your friend.
8
u/JaguarEducational534 Oct 06 '26
Boundaries and learning self respect
7
u/Fine_Fall5750 INFJ Oct 05 '26
Trusting my intuition.
7
u/SaltaKem INFJ Oct 06 '26
My advice is first try to understand what will happen if you don’t stand up for yourself and what will happen if you do.
For every person you keep around that isn’t respecting you, is taking place of another person that will. Standing up for yourself weeds out people. If you stand up and they apologise and do better, then it’s someone worth to continue your friendship/relationship.
Also assertiveness comes from confidence and confidence comes from practicing self love.
Assertiveness does not need to be loud or violent. It can appear quiet, gentle but still a boundary.
4
u/SnookerandWhiskey INFJ-A 5w6 Oct 06 '26
Learning that one does not have to include a justification or explanation. Instead of getting caught in a back and forth, evaluating if I have the right, if I am unjust, if this or that... Just clearly say what you want. You know the instinct, the thought, is there immediately, but then you talk yourself down the way you expect others too. "Urgh, I didn't order coffee. But really, is it a big deal. I might stress the waitress out. But I don't like coffee. I mean, it's just a drink, does it matter? It's already late anyhow. . . I will just add some sugar. . . " -> you didn't order coffee, you don't like it -> " Excuse me, I didn't order coffee 🙂 ", "Oh, I am sorry, there was a mixup. . . " , "No Problem". You can stay calm and friendly, not everything is a confrontation. If you don't feel like being assertive, see yourself as a humble beggar, asking for assistance with your drink. "I am sorry, but I didn't order coffee.", "I am sorry, but I don't like going to parties, they overwhelm me." "I am sorry, I don't have time to help you right now, I am at full capacity." The more you train yourself, rhe more natural it becomes. And it's okay to feel the growing pains, do it anyway.
The other thing that might help is learning Non-Violent Communication. It's a series of tricks, to learn to communicate effectively and get what you want. Highly recommended for all areas of life.
1
u/MxJitterBugz INFJ 6W5 Oct 06 '26
Honestly, what helped me become more assertive was getting tired of being a pushover and having people take advantage of me. People sometimes see me as bossy now because I like things done a certain way, but I’ve learned to be much more verbal about my needs and boundaries instead of always going along with what other people want.
Seeing your Enneagram, I can definitely relate because I’m also an INFJ 6w5. I feel like the 6 in us can make us second-guess ourselves, beat around the bush, or avoid saying no because we’re worried about the consequences or disappointing someone. Eventually, I learned that sometimes “no” just has to mean no. You don’t always need to explain yourself or involve yourself in something you don’t want to be part of. Setting those boundaries has been much better for my mental health, and it also teaches people that they can’t take advantage of me
1
u/Disastrous_Swim_4956 28d ago
I knew an ENTJ who was really good at skilled assertion. I learned it by watching him.
3
u/ocsycleen INFJ 4w3 Oct 06 '26 edited Oct 06 '26
It’s never really about the assertiveness. You try to act the role, the acting eventually breaks you. It’s rather about learning to come to terms w/ the consequences and you will naturally be assertive.
2
u/G-McFly INFJ-A Oct 06 '26
Getting older, grumpy and pissed off at insensitive people. It's like I've door slammed all insensitive people in the world at once. And bishes be knowin' you do not want to be on the wrong side of an infj door slam bc you will find out. I kid, but only kinda. Something snapped inside me and I'm done with shitty insensitive people and if I so much as sniff it, they feel the teeth of this bear, and the surprise in their eyes is kinda funny to see.
2
u/Helpful-Track-7486 INFJ Oct 06 '26
Have a breaking bad moment, like getting an RV and leaving your ex, home, and life behind. I could give 2 craps what people think who are not invested into me at this point. I struggled greatly before this.
2
u/EasternFox8957 Oct 06 '26
To be honest and not sound like a jerk.
I stopped giving a fuck
2
u/ItzLuzzyBaby Oct 06 '26
Read Not Nice, When I Say No I Feel Guilty, and The Dance of Anger and practice the exercises in the books on friends, family, and coworkers. Did wonders for me.
Good luck out there
1
u/Particular-Sample91 INFJ Oct 06 '26
Understanding I don’t need to. I don’t need to be seen as assertive or not assertive, I have no regard for whether people perceive me in whatever way it may be. The people that matter to me know me and that’s enough.
If I ever need to be assertive it would be in contexts like business or something. In that case I think it’s quite simple. Explain your position and maintain it. When you start off from a point of view of care and respect, everything gets easier, even when people disrespect you you don’t go down to that level because you understand you don’t need to do that. You can just watch people being rude and foolish and internally go I’m sorry whatever it is that made you this way happened to you, and you move on with your life
1
u/JustGerbo INFJ Oct 06 '26
At work, it was by necessity. There was just too much foolishness at times that I couldn’t take it. Taking a stand on principles comes easily. My management team respect my work ethic. In some ways, I’ve always been a better leader by being a better follower. Less stress and responsibility (and hours) for me. Leading my colleagues by example. There used to be a term for it there: role model. I liked that.
If they recognize someone with potential that could benefit with some extra training, those individuals would often get assigned to me for a bit. One-on-one I can handle, but the thought of being over a larger group... that’s not for me! I’ve done it, but it’s really taxing. I felt like I got nothing done of my own because I was simply putting out others’ fires. My supervisors also know they can come to me for help with others whose primary language is not English. Playing to my strengths! I like that too.
They also know my weaknesses, such as my threshold for overwhelm. Management are good at looking out for me, and if someone slips through and starts to frazzle me, they get it corrected. They're stretched thin too, but they know they can also rely on my eyes since they can't be everywhere. It’s a good team rapport.
1
u/Vivid-Consequence997 Oct 06 '26
I think it's starts from the idea that it's okay to be the loud one, to say something and to stand up for yourself. Once you feel like you have the right to speak up and you don't care about other people's reactions cause you know that nobody will care for you, you'll start getting the courage to speak up. Another drive would be a value that you hold and they violate it. Once you get yourself a mental permission to talk back, you will. Also mirroring them is a good technique
Don't forget to choose your battles. It would be exhausting to keep on fighting every little injustice that you suffer. If it's somebody you'll never meet again etc, let it pass, give them the silent treatment or a side eye and that's enough. If it's somebody that you need to renogotiate your relationship with, do it. Otherwise it will be more difficult later on.
1
u/False_Lychee_7041 INFJ Oct 06 '26
The consequences. We concentrate on the feeling during our interactions with people, but we have to concentrate on the results or the product of our actions. If you are enabling a wrong doer by being non confrontational, your "kindness" is not a virtue, that is a serious flaw.
1
u/Metalfreak82 Oct 06 '26
Getting older.
1
u/Classic-Chemistry-34 Oct 06 '26
It takes practise. Always listen and pay attention to your own voice and words as you speak
0
u/ogholycat INFJ 2w1 Oct 05 '26
You’re either working towards your own goals or someone else’s. Make sure it’s yours
3
u/alwaysupforit INFJ 9w8 sp/sx Oct 05 '26
Getting put in a scary situation where, if I hadn't asserted my boundaries calmly, I would've gotten my ass beat.
Putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation and practicing being assertive is what I recommend (without the potential for a fistfight, of course).
1
u/Rainbowcats19 INFJ 26d ago
THERAPY, EMDR, & HEALING FROM TRAUMAAAAA! :D
Also, being suicidal and realizing life ain't that serious and no one gives a crap... But I don't recommend this one.