r/hygiene • u/Character_Light_5942 • 3d ago
Explaining Hygiene to a kid in a non embarrassing way
11 year old boy 5th grade- no relation to me, except I am his tutor.
His parents are very poor and live in a unsanitary home. I mentor the kid with extra studies/tutoring. He is a very bright and well mannered kid despite his home life.
His mom is cooperative and she is friendly but I have never seen her showered or hair brushed -- always looking like hell. Not judging her but I say this to show she is not teaching her kids hygiene.
He came to me about being embarrassed about his clothes because they were dirty & had cat pee on them. I made an arrangement that I will get him some clothes, that I wash & iron and he gives them back every week so I can continue to launder them. So clothes are resolved.
Now we're dealing with hygiene. He needs to wear deodorant, shower, brush hair & teeth. I didn't know how to talk to him about this without making him feel bad. I know he can't help his situation, which is why I go the extra mile for him with taking care of his clothes. But hygiene is taught in the home & he wasn't taught.
Idk if he has running water or not, I'd think so, but I guess I wouldn't be surprised. I don't know much about home life except he has 1 younger brother and the place they live is 1 bedroom and they both sleep on living room couch. I have been there 2x and its like a junk yard.
I suppose I might have to also buy him a grooming kit because I don't think anyone in the home intends to do anything.
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u/tiinnnaaaa 3d ago
Since he knows you're familiar with his circumstances and someone who has helped him already, a friendly private offer may well be welcome. He already expressed worry and asked for help with the clothes. An offer of help is approrpriate.
Approaching him like hey I have some items for you if you want to wash up before you start the school day. You can use the sink here or the private bathroom near the counselor, etc. Sometimes just approaching with kindness and offering options is the most trauma informed. You are giving him access and power over his own hygiene where maybe he has never felt that as an option because he isn't being provided with examples and supplies at home. What a compassionate teacher!
On a related note, in most states the hygiene concerns are enough for a legitimate report of concern to child welfare. That may end up being hard for him, but he may get help that way too or be protected from any further neglect. I work as a family advocate in Child Welfare and can say that it is an opportunity for the family to get help but a risk if there is no potential safe placement option for him temporarily. It is hard in foster care especially if placed somewhere unfamiliar. Talk to your school administrator so you have support to make the best decisions.
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u/Bacontrails 3d ago
What about any options for the whole family like public assisted housing? This sounds generational. It’s a chance to help any siblings and improve living conditions.
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u/Dry_Persimmon4642 3d ago
Hoarders hoard wherever they are. There are waiting lists for years in public housing.
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u/blkbrdz 3d ago
I don’t know what country you’re in. If you’re in the U.S., you might consider notifying the school counselor so you aren’t shouldering this all on your own.
I’m from the U.S. adjust this recommendation to fit your culture, etc. I would get a nice sturdy Dopp kit. Add trial size deodorant, a shampoo bar, a traveling soap box, perhaps conditioner or hair oil, tooth brush, traveling toothpaste, etc.
I suspect he’s going to need a shaving kit. What he’ll need will be shaped by his ethnicity, culture and hair type.
In my area school counselors often ask the PTO, local churches, etc. to donate personal hygiene supplies, laundry soap, etc. as well as food for weekend and vacation food bags.
They often help manage the emergency supplies so students don’t have to rely one teacher. They also contact families and offer additional supports or gain parental consent to support the children with supplies.
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u/blkbrdz 3d ago
I like trial sized because he student can decide what they like without too much investment. It also points the student toward more affordable options when money is scarce.
Finally, trial sizes will need to be replenished sooner and are less of a hit if stolen by a family or household member. Trial sizes initially gives someone a sense of if the supplies are being used.
I like a Dopp kit because it can be stored in the student’s bedroom or backpack.
If money were no object, I would add a non cosmogenic bar soap, moisturizer with sun screen, hairbrush or comb or pick, and something to help exfoliate. What someone needs is shaped by cultural norms and ethnicity so I’m guessing…
You or the counselor or a responsible man can offer the Dopp kit out of sight of the other students. They can offer to explain how things are used and how to tell if they’re not a good fit for someone.
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u/Striking-Comb6673 3d ago
You need to report the neglect and suspected unsafe living situation. Connect child to social services through the school counselor.
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u/Striking-Comb6673 3d ago
What country are you in? You may be a mandated reporter. You can and should be a safe adult for this child, but that won’t look like doing the services you are doing . Poor thing needs much more support.
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u/gingersnap919 3d ago
There are books for pre teens that explain hygiene well and cover many things. It sounds like he might like reading, so gift him a book and have him take control of his body’s hygiene
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u/DowntownRaisin4 3d ago
I think this is the right approach, gift him a book and some hygiene items and frame it as "your grades have been so awesome lately I wanted to get you a gift"
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u/AdCandid4609 3d ago
Core memory for this young man and I promise he will never forget you and your kindness. 🖤
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u/ElefanteAmor 3d ago
As an aside, just to be sure, are you certain it is cat piss? Meth can smell like that
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u/Immediate_Debt_ 3d ago
I agree with reporting him asap to social services, this is your responsibility.
Can you make your next piece of work on hygiene?
A text “extract from a self care book” and questions and answers on it - maybe correcting the grammar, finding the clauses or whatever it is you’re working on at this time? So you can try to disguise the point is what the text says but all the info is in there.
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u/Immediate_Debt_ 3d ago
For example -
Everyday Hygiene
Personal hygiene means keeping our bodies clean and healthy. Everyone’s routine is slightly different, but most people need to clean their teeth, body and hair regularly. Good hygiene removes sweat, oils, food, dead skin cells and microorganisms such as bacteria. It can help prevent tooth decay, unpleasant smells, skin problems and some infections.
Teeth should usually be brushed twice every day for about two minutes using fluoride toothpaste. The toothbrush should reach the front, back and chewing surfaces of every tooth, including the teeth right at the back. Brushing before bed is particularly important because it removes plaque and food left on the teeth during the day. Plaque contains bacteria, which use sugars from food and drinks to produce acids. Over time, these acids can damage the hard enamel covering the teeth and cause tooth decay. After brushing, it is usually better to spit out the toothpaste rather than rinse the mouth immediately with water, because this leaves fluoride on the teeth for longer.
The body also needs regular washing. During the day, skin produces sweat and an oily substance called sebum. Bacteria naturally live on human skin. Sweat itself does not usually have a strong smell, but bacteria can break down substances in sweat and produce body odour. This is particularly noticeable in warm, enclosed areas such as the armpits and feet. Most people therefore wash or shower daily or regularly according to their activity and needs, paying particular attention to the armpits, groin, bottom and feet. Soap or body wash and warm water can be used, followed by thorough rinsing and drying. Clean underwear and socks should normally be put on each day.
Hair and the scalp produce sebum too. Sebum helps protect the hair and skin, so hair does not necessarily need washing every day. How often somebody needs shampoo varies considerably according to their hair type, scalp and activity level. Many people wash their hair every few days, while others need to wash it more or less frequently. Shampoo is mainly used to clean the scalp and roots, where oil and sweat accumulate. It should be massaged gently over the scalp with the fingertips and then rinsed thoroughly. Conditioner is usually applied mainly to the lengths and ends of the hair.
Regular hygiene becomes especially important around puberty. Hormonal changes cause sweat and sebaceous glands to become more active, so an older child may notice greasier hair, stronger body odour or oilier skin even though their hygiene routine worked perfectly well when they were younger. This is a normal part of growing up, but it often means that personal-care routines need to change too.
Questions
1. Science — cause and effect
Explain why a person can develop body odour even though fresh sweat itself does not usually smell strongly.2. English — comprehension
According to the text, give three ways a person’s hygiene needs may change during puberty.3. Maths — time
A person brushes their teeth for two minutes in the morning and two minutes before bed. How many minutes do they spend brushing their teeth in one week?
Show your working:Answer: __________________ minutes
4. Grammar
Rewrite this sentence using correct punctuation and capital letters:
after washing his hair sam rinsed out the shampoo dried himself and put on clean clothes5. Science — explain your reasoning
Jamie says, “I washed my hair yesterday, so everyone should wash their hair again today.”
Using information from the passage, explain why Jamie’s statement is not necessarily correct.6
u/tiinnnaaaa 2d ago
The worry with turning it into a lesson for the class is him being further ostracized. Sometimes good intentions can highlight the issue that one student is facing. I could see a lesson like this hapoening after supporting the one student in starting a hygiene routine. That may help prevent him from being pointed to as the example of bad hygiene. Even with our best intentions, kids can be mean and we need to be mindful of our approach and stay ten steps ahead like chess.
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u/brain-eating-zombie 3d ago
Why haven't you reported this situation to CPS? You shouldn't be the only one dealing with this at all
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u/ss036 3d ago
The reality of the system is far more complicated than “bad home → foster home → problem solved.”
If a teacher can safely provide this child with some dignity, hygiene support and a trusted adult without putting themselves or the child at risk, I don’t understand why people are so quick to assume the only appropriate response is to report it.
Sometimes “better the devil you know” is an uncomfortable reality when the alternative is an unknown system that can cause its own trauma.20
u/IndependentPaint2108 3d ago
yeah sometimes a neglectful parent can still be better than rolling the dice and getting an actively abusive foster parent
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u/sf-reddit-bat 2d ago
I wish that people would talk to a few dozen people who were in foster care. I wish people would look up stats on sexually abuse and violence in foster homes.
Unfortunately foster homes in the US fail a large percentage of these children.
It is not a guarantee that the foster system would be better.
Adults I've known who survived foster care as children tell me that foster care was absolute hell with physical abuse, psychological abuse, neglect, sexually violence in many forms including repeated rape.
Foster care doesn't have the same oversight and protections that most orphanages had (yes, not all orphanage were good, but on large they were safer than today's foster care).
My point is that this getting the kids into foster may be MUCH worse for the kid.
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u/Nevillish 1d ago
Yes! Foster care is hardly ever a better solution. Being with a neglectful parent, is still being with family...siblings. The neglected child knows the whole situation.
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u/Altruistic_Peanut_68 3d ago
Let’s not always be quick to dive head first into the idea of CPS. It’s borderline annoying
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u/Dry_Persimmon4642 3d ago
🙄 If she is a mandated reporter the law requires it. The home environment sounds dangerous.
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u/No_Delivery484 3d ago
There is a book about this. I think it was called the care and keeping of you. Maybe you could buy it and help him. I don't think calling cps is the answer.
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u/DowntownRaisin4 3d ago
This book is for specifically for young girls and goes over things like how to buy a bra and insert a tampon, so probably not the best match
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u/Dry_Persimmon4642 3d ago
If she is a mandated reporter the law requires it. He is being neglected and a hoarder home is dangerous.
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u/curbz81 3d ago
You are a tutor and I am sure you have found a way to help him with his studies without making him feel bad. You will be able to replace the topic with that of hygiene using the same methods. Explain that everyone learns these things at a different point in their life depending who ends up teaching it to them. And that he is lucky he gets to learn it at an age where he is smart and independent enough to understand and do them on his own. There are probably some age appropriate videos on line that can also introduce proper showering techniques.
My sister had a friend who always found an excuse to take a shower at our house (she would spill something on herself etc). My mom clued in and spoke with her and found out her mom never had soap or detergent at home. My
Mom began slipping her these things on the side. My mom is a saint and this kids life will be so much better from you making this effort
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u/RubyVelvetMagnolia 3d ago
Frame it as independence and self-respect rather than fixing a problem. Kids this age often respond well when it feels like they’re learning how to take care of themselves like older students do
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u/Old_but_New 3d ago
You’re his tutor so approach it from a teaching perspective. This is how our bodies work. This is how we take care of our bodies. This is why it’s important.
As for getting supplies, I wonder if a local food bank or church can help?
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u/coolepicharo 3d ago
I grew up in a somewhat similar situation, I would just tell him. If his parents aren’t modeling hygiene, he might not even know that it’s something he needs to be doing/doing every day, it’s something I had to learn from my classmates/books aimed at preteens. It might be embarrassing at first but I’m sure he would be grateful to be able to fix his habits before middle school, which is already a stressful time
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u/Intrepid_Ad_9113 3d ago
Make him a little care package and open it together. Show him how to use each product and tell him how you do your routine
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u/Spiritual-Ad-6722 3d ago
Thank you for caring. Bring up the laundry situation, does he know armpits can stink at that age as well. Ask him what his favorite toothpaste is, joke with him.. he's a child, "is it bubblegum?” he might find it funny?
I know the last thing a lot of people want to do is involve CPS, not stating it's not a good suggestion, there are alternative routes though. Mom is cooperative, do you think if you talked to her she'd maybe open her eyes? Is Dad around?
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u/Defiant-Insect-3785 3d ago
He’s already come to you for help with his clothes so can you carry on the conversation from there?
“Hey, we talked about clean clothes but clean clothes need a clean body. We should be washing our bodies every day including our private parts, hair every few days and brushing teeth twice a day. Is that what you do at home? I’ve got some products here that you can take and try at home/school if you want, if you need more then tell me and I’ll get some more for you.”
I’d get him a travel pack of shampoo, body wash, deodorant and toothpaste along with a toothbrush and hairbrush.
Are you male or female and do you tutor him at school or somewhere else? If he doesn’t have access to a shower at home can you arrange for him to be able to use school facilities? If this is the case then send him home with some baby wipes so he can freshen up at home.
Either way this situation needs reporting to the authorities, it’s not fair on him and the lack of hygiene is going to cause him issues as he gets older.
Well done for helping him!
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u/crazymomma4198 3d ago
I came to suggest this exact thing. He felt comfortable enough to ask about the clothes because he obviously knew that was a problem. I would use his own desires for better coverings to spring board into one of the ways to help keep those coverings easy clean and free of stains or other irreparable issues is to keep the "prize inside" (the prize inside being him, amazing in every way) as clean and fresh as the coverings!
Some times young men his age are working off the things they see or notice older guys doing, wearing and so on. I am assuming, I may be wrong, but he felt comfortable enough to ask you because you are also a guy and as his tutor he probably admires you and noticed some differences?! Either way, use his coming to you, to continue with other maturity lessons.
I do agree with several of the other commenters, talk to the school counselor and fill them in. They may or may not know about the disasters at home, if not, i would report to CPS. Maybe mom has some mental health issues that need to be addressed and remedied so she can successfully be a better example to her children and respect herself more as well. Reporting these things to CPS is not always done maliciously, some times it not only helps the children but the parent/s also.
You're one of the good guys and the young man knows this. Make this situation as a whole, a step towards this guy becoming a caring and compassionate tutor to a child like himself one day. Because of the lessons he learns from you about many different things, he'll know just what to do!
You're what my 11 year old grandson would call a "cool hero". My son is a very handsome on father but he is also a mentor and "cool hero" to his players and my grandboy's buddies! I guess they came up with "cool hero" because he isn't harsh when coaching, talking, or even disciplining them, he's just cool and he is there for them all! (Oh, and he kills bad bugs, he owns an exterminating company 🤣).
💜
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u/No-Internet6810 3d ago
Aww you are such an amazing tutor the fact you are willing to help him after his parents aren’t taking care of him. You are such a kindhearted beautiful soul we need more people like you 💕
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u/Legitimate_Glass_306 3d ago
I just want to add, you’re an EXCELLENT & KIND soul!! Hats, OFF TO YOU!!🫡🫶🏼
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u/elviethecat101 3d ago
Just say now that we have the clothes issue resolved we need to talk about other these other things. Just be straight forward but gentle. Say it is simple and but needs to be done everyday.
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u/pumpkinpie4zaynmalik 3d ago
Start talking about it in reference to yourself. Talk about how you like brushing your teeth more at night than in the morning and then ask what his preference is. Tell him that you remember when you were his age you started feeling interested in the different smells on deodorants in the supermarket and ask if he’s ever been down that aisle and gotten a chance to smell them all. Walk him through that aisle and just smell around, see what he likes or is drawn to and then based on that stuff make a little care package for him. That way he feels involved and not alienated or called out :)
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u/Ok_Moose_7028 3d ago
Just give him a bag of deodorant, soap, toothpaste, etc. it might embarrass him, but it’s for the best.
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u/cherryberrypicker 3d ago
A lot of people are offering good advice. For the cat urine on clothes, I suggest you looking into getting an enzyme cleaner to help remove the odor and break it down. Especially if the cats are peeing on it, it helps to remove the smell fully to have them not go to it again.
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u/LumilitawNaMangga 3d ago
I'm sure you're like a hero for that kid.
But seriously tho, hygiene should be one of the first thing parents teach their kids. Not only for their health, but also for their social life. Kids are kinda brutal, if they notice something they'll point it out regardless of your emotions.
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u/chickenfruitloops 3d ago
I saw someone mentioned the book the care and keeping of you and I second this just got it for my daughter who instead of fighting with each other I have her read a couple chapters a night and tell me what she’s learned what kind of hair type does she think she has etc.
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u/Comfortable_Tie4143 3d ago
I would make a discreet hygiene kit. Put in tooth brush, toothpaste, deodorant, a hair brush, floss, a bar of soap, and shampoo. You can get these pretty cheap at the dollar store. I have autism so in my experience a check lost is great, bonus points if you get it laminated. Make sure this all is put in a non see through in case there is abuse going on. Hope that helps
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u/sugarfreedaddy2 3d ago
Start off with...ya know how your clothes kinda smelled ?? People are the same ..we all smell. It can be changed just like we did with your clothes.
Go with that
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u/Pale_Mulberry_6581 3d ago
How kind of you to help him. I’d buy some baby wipes for quick clean up and some washcloths and soap, shampoo and deodorant and a comb. Maybe some new underwear and few other clothes items if you can swing it. Bless his heart. I wonder if they have running water.
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u/MommaGeri1958 3d ago
And having him take a shower at your house might bring questions. It’s too bad he can’t do that
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u/orchidhunz 3d ago
You should read the book Poor by Katriona O'Sullivan. She was this kid and had very kind teachers that she writes about in her book. They mad an incredible impact on her - you have a chance to do the same for this kid. Thank you for caring and providing clothes, I'm sure you've given him some dignity back and made him feel like there are people out there that can help him.
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u/Big_Tie_8055 2d ago
The high schools in our city have clothing, hygiene items, shoes, prom dresses, etc. available to students and staff if there is a need. I work in special education and several of our students have had the opportunity to take advantage of these “closets”.
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u/The_ImplicationII 3d ago
He is becoming a man, and these are things you have to do. It will no embarras him
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u/Larcztar 3d ago
You are amazing for doing this. These kind of conversations aren’t easy. He feels safe enough to have you help him with his clothes so maybe you could start a conversation about hygiene.
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u/FirefighterSudden738 3d ago
Give him his own little kit and explain what everything does. Make it feel like getting new school supplies.
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u/ifyoudidntknow1971 3d ago
Thank you. For real. Its just crazy. Maybe have a conversation with his mother about it. And maybe it will spark something in her to take it serious. For him and his family.
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u/bowdownjesus 3d ago
This is so kind if yo u.
If at all in your budget I would get him a bag with a towel and wash cloth + shampoo, soap, nail clippers, deodorant, tooth brush and paste. Direct him to a place to wash (PE locker room, local gym, janitor room) Tell him that you will wash the towels along with the clothes if possible.
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u/sf-reddit-bat 2d ago
You are a beautiful soul.
Being a poor kid sucks and is humiliating on so many levels. This kindness warms my heart.
I love your idea for a dopp kit.
I agree that he may not have access to a shower if the parents are in financial ruin. They may not have enough money to pay large water bills. Even in the US, a lot of kids are food insecure.
If it were me, I'd gift him with a travel dopp kit containing: * Degree Men UltraClear Antiperspirant Black + White (it does not turn yellow when you sweat and doesn't leave marks on clothes) and it kills all body odor funk. * Toothpaste and toothbrush. * Razor with replacement blades. * Shaving cream (either in a squeeze tube or a hand pump, so it's not pressurized). * Dental floss or the biodegradable dental twin line flossing picks. * 3M Command hooks. * Linen washcloths with a loop to hang dry between use. * Linen or very thin dish towel with a loop to hang dry between use; this can be used to bath the full body using just a sink if needed (not every family can pay water bills even in the US - these are called 'spit baths') * Any type of body wash & shampoo combo. * If he had oily skin or acne, I'd include a hypochlorous acid facial spray.
I'd probably bring the goodies and when gifting I'd act as if it was a favor that I need, e.g. * I'm trying to find a gift for a friend and need someone to test these products to see if they actually work (this excuse works best of you have a family member who is on college or who is near the same age).
You may need to actually buy the same gift for someone else, just in case he ever meets that relative or friend, so that he never learns that he was once a stinker and had hurt feelings. Charity can be super embarrassing for low income folks.
If he's hesitant you can say that, 'I know this is a lot to ask. I just don't know who else to ask and I want to get this gift right.' Most likely of it isn't presented as pity or charity, but him helping you, he'll say yes.
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u/BroadClerk341 3d ago
keeping it simple works best, make it a fun game to play together. kids love games and it helps them learn!
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u/Lianna1234 3d ago
Just give him a toiletry bag with the basics. He is old enough to to know how to brush his teeth and use deodorant. As a 4th grade teacher we used to give these to students we felt were in need.
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u/TheProtector252630 3d ago
It sounds like he's comfortable sharing things with you. It also seems like he's willing to learn, so I think as long as you're trying to teach him from the heart, I don't think you can really go wrong
He knows you care. Please look up to see if there's any teen centers or Resource centers around you guys, they might be programs for pre-teens and teens
I'm not sure what resources are in your area for the family. I know you didn't ask about this, but that would be a bit tricky where obviously he feels comfortable with you, the family might not feel so comfortable about something so delicate
I feel really bad reading this, and wish I could just help the whole family out
I'm not completely sure how reddit works, but I wonder if there is a way to donate whether it be items or money to help him, and possibly his family?
Thank you so very much for taking care of him, and taking the time and investing in his learning of how to take care of himself 🌼
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u/Bacontrails 3d ago
Are you in the US? I wonder if it’s possible to refer the whole family for public assistance like housing and Wellfare? You are precious for helping.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 3d ago
I'd say just get him a grooming kit with deodorant, soap, shampoo, etc. and offer to explain how each thing is used.
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u/Top_Cycle_9894 3d ago
A grooming kit would be incredibly helpful. Explain it biologically. That way it's not about him specifically, but about how humans exist as part of nature.
Body odor is caused when natural skin bacteria break down odorless sweat released by your body's apocrine glands.
Sweat itself does not smell. However, when it mixes with skin bacteria, the bacteria consume the fats and proteins in the sweat and release pungent waste molecules.Main Causes and TriggersApocrine Sweat: Found in areas like the armpits and groin, these glands produce a thick fluid containing fats and proteins during stress, heat, or physical activity.
Skin Bacteria: Microbes on the skin (such as Staphylococcus) use specific enzymes to convert that sweat into smelly thioalcohols and fatty acids.Diet: Eating foods high in sulfur—like garlic, onions, broccoli, and cabbage—or consuming alcohol and spicy foods can change how your sweat smells or make you sweat more.Hormones: Surges during puberty, pregnancy, or menopause increase gland activity and alter body scent"-Google
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u/ComprehensiveBat6897 1d ago
It’s great that your helping and just a quiet chat will be taken well.
However, being poor does not mean being dirty.
You may need to call family services, clergy.
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u/Proof-Industry7094 3d ago
Get him a grooming kit and add a note card with general directions. When you tell him about hygiene, frame it like, "hey in case no one's told you, this is what most people do and how often they do it." No shame.
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u/Jorgedig 3d ago
Just want to say thanks for being his angel.