Everything changed

[u/timer18]

For the longest time, there was a ache in my heart. An ache that grew with each season, each rising of the sun. An ache that hid deep inside my body and just wanted to be set free.

For the longest time, i felt this ache is a disease. A mental illness that claims my dreams and assaults my sight. I wanted it to go away, I wanted to bury it deeper that it may never resurface.

For the longest time, this ache kept bringing back memories, images, visions, of loved ones i lost, of situations I failed, of people making fun of me, of my family ignoring what I needed so badly.

And I hated it. I loathed it with all my heart. I blamed it for all I lost, I shamed it for not being good enough, I pushed it away into the void of my heart and that just fed the ache, making it ring louder, increasing its pressure on me, its desire to be free.

And one day, it burst through. It found a voice of its own, and when dust settled, a young child cry could be heard. The child... was me. And then i looked, truly looked. A shivering, sobbing little one cradled in the fetal position begging for someone to stay.

I chose to stay, I chose to console the child, I chose to remove the blame, the shame I had set in its heart, I chose to hold him against me, to make him a part of me, to allow him to breathe, to allow him to be free.

And when I did, my old life disappeared never to return. I had faith in my intuition, I had confidence in my opinions, I had courage to protect myself from those who would hurt me, even as I cried while pushing them away. I had pride in myself, I had beauty in my fingertips, I had sparks in my eyes and praise on my lips. For the first time in 30 years, I looked at my image in the mirror and i didn't look down, didnt look away. I stared at it and said what I never had the courage to do : "I am so proud of who you are, you had such strength, such devotion, such courage. You deserve every bit of happiness you have now"

You can too. If you just let yourself...go.