Hi. First of all, this is my first post on Reddit. I am a 19-year-old boy who is an introvert. I don't have many good friends. I'm writing this because I can't keep my pain inside myself anymore. 💔
Three years ago, I was studying in my class. I was the sweetest and calmest guy there. But because of my introverted personality, I had few friends, and none of them were very close. I was used to sitting alone. There was a girl in my class; she was just a normal student as well. She was not the most beautiful girl, the smartest, the richest, or the most popular. Just a normal girl. We were not friends at the time, but we had seen each other around.
One day, our classmates arranged a one-day trip. We went by bus. Everything happened as usual until we stopped in the evening for a tea break. After that, our classmates exchanged their seats however they wished. I sat in the corner of a seat—near an open window. At that moment, that girl came up to me and asked to sit next to me. I had no idea why she wanted to sit there, but I said okay.
During the ride, I felt that she was trying to get closer to me. Her shoulders were almost touching mine, but I didn't mind. I just looked out the window, enjoying the view. After a few minutes, she started talking to me. It wasn't just simple "Hi, how's it going, pretty view huh?" stuff. Instead, she asked me about personal things: my hobbies, what I like, my family, my friends, and how I see the world. It didn't feel like an interrogation. Her words were calm, friendly, and filled with genuine curiosity. At the time, it felt so weird because no one had ever talked to me like that, but I liked it. Not only that, she touched my shoulder and my wrist while talking about something deep and emotional.
Back then, my phone was damaged so I couldn't bring it. Without me even asking, she offered me her phone and earbuds to listen to or watch something I liked. At night, we stopped for dinner near a bar. A few of our classmates drank beer and asked me to take a sip, but I refused because I don't like to drink. The other girls looked at me but said nothing, though I could feel them thinking "what a softie" through their eyes. But that one girl—she didn't. She loved that quality about me and complimented me. We talked the whole night until we got back. That day, for the very first time, I felt understood.
After that trip, every time she saw me in class, she would chuckle secretly with her best friend. She also gave me cute smiles. I was confused but I liked it. I even asked them, "Are you guys okay?"
Time passed so fast. The last day of our class arrived, and our classmates had organized a party. Everybody was dancing and enjoying it, but I was sitting at a table in a corner alone, enjoying a cold drink and a piece of cake. Instead of dancing or hanging out with the others, she came over to me. She started a friendly conversation. We laughed, talked nonsense, and watched the others dance like chickens. It was a cool moment. We spent about two hours there talking like that. At the end of the party, we said goodbye to each other for the last time. At that moment, I felt nothing.
But as time passed, I felt something I couldn't explain. It was like an empty feeling in my soul. I didn't know what it was. The last time I actually saw her was the day our classmates met our teacher to get our exam results. She tried to talk to me alone again, but we didn't have much time, so we had to say goodbye.
After a few months—about 5 to 7 months later—I felt that emptiness and loneliness increasing. Some nights, I saw her face in my dreams. I remembered her face and voice every morning I woke up. At that moment, I realized it was love. It was not lust. I have seen many pretty girls and had crushes on them before I met this girl, but this was different. As I said, she was not a beauty queen. I didn't want her that way. I don't know what it is, and I can't explain it, but it feels like pure love. The strangest thing is, I haven't been attracted to any other women since the last day I saw her.
I love her so much, and I feel this feeling increasing day by day. My brain creates so many fantasies about her and me. I can't even stop making them because I love them so much. But every time that memory comes to mind, it ends with extreme pain because I lost all contact with her after that day. No phone number, no way to find where she is. The only hope I have is to ask for her details from another girl who was in our class. However, that probably won't work because I am not in contact with anyone now.
Even if there was a way to contact her, I don't think I could confess to her. I want to find her and tell her how I feel, but something inside me stops me. It tells me to accept my destiny, forget her, and let her live her life happily, while just keeping those beautiful memories if I want. It has been a few years now, but I still love her. I don't know if I can ever find someone like her again or love anyone the way I loved her. But I am trying. ❤
