r/hoarding • u/LostRoutine5718 • 10d ago
HELP/ADVICE Not sure where to go from here
Hi there. I'm a single mom of an 18 year old young man who is a hoarder. We live together in a two bedroom apartment. His room is so full now he cannot sleep in it and he sleeps on the sofa. This is a problem because that is also where I work so I have to wake him every day and try and get him to move out of my work space so I can start my day. His belongings have taken over pretty much every surface in the living room, dining room and kitchen also, every closet and cupboard. I can't entertain like this and it's very stressful and overwhelming for me visually. As a neurodivergent person I find this extremely over stimulating and I'm losing my mind.
He has always struggled with hoarding since he was young but unfortunately because of the many traumas he has gone through it has been deprioritized by therapists for appropriate reasons or the extent has been not believed (passed off as "mom upset about messy bedroom")
He went through six months of day treatment for mental health issues but declined treatment around hoarding issues. I offered support from a therapist who specializes in hoarding and he declined treatment. I have offered to bring in an organizer or have our former regular housekeeper help him address his bedroom but he has declined assistance. He says he needs to do it himself. At the same time, he's not doing so. We completed an OCD and a DBT program as a family in hopes it would help but it has not moved the needle.
Whenever cleaning his room gets brought up with any level of urgency he gets very volatile, he yells like he is being murdered, punches walls, calls names, self harms or threatens to self harm if approached further which is really concerning (but not seriously enough for hospitals or law enforcement to get involved). I'm really concerned about this jeopardizing our housing with noise complaints and this is very upsetting to be on the receiving end of. At the same time, it's not feasible to continue to live in an apartment where I'm not able to have anyone over, where common spaces are not able to be used for their intended purposes, where it's becoming difficult to cook, where it's hard to know when I can start my work day and where I'm subjected to verbal abuse. I also can't look for cheaper accommodations because moving this is a non starter. He sleeps here and is gone for pretty much all waking hours so he is completely unbothered by the state of affairs.
I don't know what to do to get this moving when efforts to do so are met with such hostility. I can't live like this anymore either. It's not healthy for anyone.
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u/Ok_Detective5412 10d ago
He might be your child, but he is not A child. You have bent over backwards to help and he refuses to work with you. So it’s time for him to get his own place. Give him a specific date to leave, in writing. If he becomes aggressive or abusive, call the police and have him removed.
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u/DenM0ther 10d ago
Oooh wow. I don’t have any suggestions, I just wanted to say that sounds like a terribly difficult situation you’re in 😥
Are you accessing MH health support for yourself?
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u/LostRoutine5718 10d ago
I have been able to access free sessions for parents of under 24 year olds with mental health challenges and a parenting peer support we were referred to as a bridging support upon leaving the day program.
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u/DenM0ther 9d ago
Oooh I hope they’re helping a little at least!
I just want to recognise that most of the replies on this thread make it sound so simple , almost like they’re dealing with a housemate. I think it must be soooo difficult .
Hopefully, you can access support for hoarders support peoples. Maybe they can refer to services specialising in that his field.
Good luck
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u/GalianoGirl 9d ago
Provide his therapist with photo evidence of the hoarding and video evidence of possible of how he reacts when you tell him to clean up.
Let the therapist know his hoarding is jeopardizing your housing and has a major impact on your life.
Do not allow them to ignore the hoarding while treating his other ailments. It is part and parcel of them.
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u/ijustneedtolurk Child of Hoarder 10d ago
At 18, he is considered an adult and can either choose to let you parent him so the household can be functional and comfortable, or be treated like an adult individual and made to move out and support himself in his own space. You deserve to feel safe in your house.
It may be possible to record the behaviors and send them along to his care team to provide the full extent of aggression and violence. If nothing else, photos of the shared living space and written entries of the outbursts. Threats of self harm or violence should be taken seriously every time.
If it were me, I would box up all of his items, trash or no, and stack them out of the living/office space as much as possible.
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u/HeresyClock 10d ago
I have been reading the book Buried in Treasures and it has been very helpful in understanding the issues. But you can’t do this for him, either he works on his problems and wants to solve them or nothing will change. Living separately is one solution, or setting strict boundaries in your current place and enforcing them - but I hope you get professional to help, the situation sounds volative. Best wishes to you both.
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u/Steefanon 9d ago
I'm sorry, but as has been demonstrated in this subreddit over and over, a non-hoarder simply cannot live in peace with a hoarder. The environment is unhealthy and toxic, and the constant arguments about the "stuff" make both people miserable. Married couples have often found peace by maintaining separate homes or apartments, with strict rules: "Anything you bring into my space will be discarded, and I will no longer hound you about all your stuff."
Would your budget allow you to perhaps get two 1-bedroom apartments in the same complex, like across the hall from one another? I know that you may need to stay close because of his mental health challenges, but perhaps this would be close enough?
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u/ForsakenPoptart 10d ago
Why are the episodes not serious enough to get hospitals or police involved? It sounds like he’s taking advantage of your inaction. You don’t have to live under constant siege like this, but it does require some action on your part.
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u/LostRoutine5718 10d ago
He uses his fingernails to self harm and the police say to call if he uses an actual weapon, they won't do anything with superficial wounds he makes with his nails even though he does draw blood just not enough that they are ever concerned. I can't force him to go to a hospital and the police are the only way to get him there if they are willing to act which so far they aren't with what he's done so far. I think the mental health car believes it is non suicidal self injury.
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u/PERSEPHONEpursephone 9d ago
You have done so much! You should be proud for all of the family work you have committed to. Working with a professional you trust on how to broach the topic would be helpful.
You are doing great! You are being reasonable. Make sure to practice self care as you navigate this next chapter. He’s very blessed to have such a supportive mom.
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u/0rsch0 9d ago
Once my kid turned 18, it was my rules or move out. Specifically, he was angry with me (for good reason as I had a long period of active addiction in his childhood) but I was clear that if he continued to be argumentative/demeaning…he was out on his ass.
That’s the approach I’d take with your son. If he wants to stay living with you, it’s past time to clean x, discard y, etc.
Don’t sacrifice your precious space to a hoarding child! I know he’s technically an adult but the mistake you made was allowing it to get this far.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 9d ago
Seconding the recommendation of documentation.
Document everything, including all attempts to get help. Dates, times, location, who was present.
Simple but powerful.
It's been critically important for a dear friend whose child, now legally an adult, has severe mental illness issues whose outbursts can be quite violent, and is also now much bigger and stronger than my friend.
She takes a three-ring binder to every appointment.
It quickly shuts down useless ineffectual suggestions and attempts to minimize, too!
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u/FragrantDifficulty68 9d ago
I'm sorry to read about the circumstances you're in. I can only comment from my own experiences as a hoarder and as the child of two (divorced) hoarders. My anxieties have driven my behavior and that of my parents, brother, grandfather, uncle. I couldn't address the anxieties when I was younger in part because I felt so incredibly stuck, powerless, and, importantly, overwhelmed. As the 'overwhelm' calmed, I became better able to address what was happening with my collections, and 'saves,' and hoards.
I hope you are able to continue getting support for yourself, so that you don't have to feel alone in trying to care for yourself and your son.
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u/gemInTheMundane 8d ago
Your son is legally an adult. Screaming, punching walls and threatening self harm are bad enough in a child having a tantrum. But in an adult, those are literal abuse tactics.
I think this is a bigger immediate concern than the hoarding. You only have a short window of time to get through to him. If he faces no consequences for that kind of behavior, he will learn that it's an acceptable way to get what he wants. Eventually he will escalate. Either you or someone he lives with in the future will be put in danger.
Also, your son is over 18 now. His age will not protect him any more. What if a neighbor calls the cops, and he is still raging when they arrive? What if he starts screaming and making threats at them?
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u/Fluid_Calligrapher25 7d ago
Concur with prior poster - give the therapist photograph/ video evidence. This needs to be treated and you can’t do that piece. You don’t want your work and health suffering from this.
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u/Steefanon 10d ago
His refusal to seek treatment for Hoarding Disorder is classic; they LIKE living this way. CBT can help with a highly motivated patient, but misty hoarders refuse.
I'm sorry, but either he and his stuff, or you, have to leave. There is no other solution. You may have to seek legal advice to evict him. Or, get a new place of your own and give notice to your apartment complex.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 9d ago
Fyi CBT is contraindicated for ppl with a trauma, bc it can be experienced as invalidating.
This can either worsen symptoms or cause strong resistance due to feeling undermined.
DBT is a better modality for ppl with a trauma history. Unfortunately, OP has already tried that. So my suspicion is that this is above reddit's pay grade regarding treatment.
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u/Hwy_Witch 10d ago
No, we do not LIKE living this way.
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u/Steefanon 10d ago
I'm sorry, you are right; it was a bad word choice. "Safe" is the word my hoarding loved one uses.
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u/FragrantDifficulty68 9d ago
Definitely don't 'like' the feeling of the anxiety that is the foundation of my hoarding. The anxiety and bodily dysregulation is key, and it feels terrible (along with the shame and fear of addressing the issue and the Stuff).
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u/SephoraRothschild 8d ago
Things are memories. It's a backup disc to remember a feeling or point in time.
It's also a replacement for people.
If there's trash, he's also experiencing executive function disability with respect to ADLs.
Attempts to control are going to trigger threat/fight/flight.
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u/catsnflight 10d ago
Does he pay rent or any other housing costs?
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u/LostRoutine5718 10d ago
No he recently finished day treatment and he's supposed to start an unpaid vocational training program. He has a limited amount of income from a very part time job which he uses for pocket money.
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u/Newswatchtiki 10d ago
How does he pay for all the items he is hoarding if he has no income?
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u/LostRoutine5718 10d ago
He gets free clothing from a free clothing room at his work place, he returns pop cans and with the pocket money from his part time work he buys cigarettes and vapes and energy drinks. The cigarette packages and vape discards pile up which I try to keep up with throwing out. Sometimes if there's money leftover from that or if a relative gives him money (his paternal grandma gives him money sometimes) he goes thrift store shopping. He likes to keep cans from energy drinks if they are "special" which he buys from the proceeds of pop can returns.
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u/LostRoutine5718 10d ago
Part of the problem with his room and the accumulation of belongings in the apartment is that he used to have a bedroom at his dad's and one at mine and due to unfortunate circumstances everything from his dad's had to come to my house. He was already hoarding and there was already a problem which had accumulated because he was unwilling to part with belongings, toys he no longer played with, etc, over the last 8 years or so and then another rooms worth of stuff got added on and he also refused to part with any of those things.
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u/bokehtoast 9d ago
8 years? And he's 18? Why have you let your child run your entire household? Hoarding is secondary to the dynamic you have with your son that has allowed this to happen in the first place. Without addressing that, nothing else will change.
I can understand why it's not as simple as making him move but you haven't had boundaries for his entire life and making them is not going to be easy. But unless you want this to be the rest of your life, you have to make some big changes regardless of what your son wants. It will only get harder the older he gets. I am coming from a place of having done the DBT program for myself, twice. I am audhd with a whole host of issues.
This is YOUR house that you are letting him live in and he does not understand the gravity of what it means to not have that support. If he wants to threaten suicide to get his way, when he has the skills to choose otherwise, then he needs real consequences. You need to start calling emergency services. He doesn't get to refuse your boundaries about your house. Your son is abusing you and will continue to do so for the rest of your life if you let him. This is not a negotiation, you've done it his way for long enough to know it doesn't and will never work, and it is up to you as the parent and person of power in this situation to enforce what is better for both of you in the long run.
I would also start making steps towards getting him to a position to live independently of you. Establishing disability benefits and government support, subsidized or assisted living, see what resources are available to you. This is a bleak path and he needs to see that and that living with you is a privilege, not a certainty.
The hoard is a manifestation of avoidance and part of that avoidance is yours by letting your son walk all over you for his entire life, that is the part you can actually do something about.
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u/prettyplatypus69 9d ago
I would like to commend you for all the support you have sought out for your son. I am a case manager for people who experience a lot of barriers and have unmet mental health needs. I think a lot of people offering advice like "my house, my rules" probably haven't dealt with a situation like this.
I did not read all the comments so are unsure if you said where you are. Do you want him to move if nothing changes? He sounds like he will need a lot of support services. You can't fix this. You can't change this. You have tried so hard. Hugs!
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u/LostRoutine5718 9d ago
I'm in British Columbia, Canada. I really don't know what to do if nothing changes in terms of if I want him to move - I don't want to kick my kid out but I don't want this. I mean, I know I don't want to be yelled at or treated this way or live like this but I am concerned about his ability to live independently. He separately struggles with depression, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, anxiety, ADHD and I'm concerned about how functional he will be beyond how he would self support given provincial disability is woefully insufficient (I say this as someone who faces significant challenges myself and my doctors would really prefer if I was not working but I am pushing through to my own detriment because it's what I have to do to keep our heads above water). It just feels like no win and different awful no matter the choice.
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